One Lost Soul

[LikeWater]

Hello,

 

I hope I'm not intruding, but I just wanted to say that you're not alone and I can relate to a lot of how you're feeling. Keep your chin up and don't give up on getting a job. It's tough these days but persistence is key! Once you have your job you'll be able to get insurance to help with your dental fees.

 

I hope you've been feeling better lately.

[AnotherBrokenDoll]

Firstly, you are never intruding with kind comments like that Thankyou very much. Sometimes thats all i need, to know it will all be okay and that i'm not alone. So thanks!!

 

Now to my jouranal entry...

 

Gosh, there is so much happening right now. What a crazy time. I guess the most pressing issue in my life right now is my mother. Just under a week ago she was taken to the biggest hospital in our city because of her mental illness. She was halucinating and completely delusional. At first i was devistated. I say alot of bad things about my mum. Its hard as hell growing up not know what to believe. Shes been sick for as long as i remember. And when someone won't help themselves.. What else could i do? I tried everything. I tried being there for her. I tried talking her down. I was 5 years old and the only person who could get my mother out of her 'hair pulling, china breaking, loud screaming, book throwing' moods. I was relied upon to do that. And when i turned 11 it just got too much. I can't communicate well with people, i was never taught these kill. I can hold small talk but making real friends is a huge challenge for me. Because a mentally unstable mother i the only human contact i had for pretty much 8 years. Well if you don't count doctors and nurses. Because i was so sick when i was little, i practically lived in hospital.

 

But thats beside the point, the point is i gave up. But even after giving up emotionally i tried. I spoke with 3 doctors, with the police and even ambulance officers, no one would help. So i guess the relief is, at least now she will get the help she needs. I just hope it works.

 

I want a mum, i've missed out so much on everything. I can't stop myself getting hopefull. Which is probably dangerous for me emotionally. I guess we will see.

[AnotherBrokenDoll]

Dear Journal,

 

I'm in so much pain, it hurts so much. But what hurts most is whilst i'm in so much pain, you've fprgotten me. I never would be able to forget you when i know you're in pain. Please care about me. Last night was amazing. You made me feel so loved and wanted for the first time in months. I wish that didn't have to stop.

[AnotherBrokenDoll]

Dear Journal,

 

Today i spent the money cleaning out my room. I went through a lot of my things and as i did i found this perfume i used to wear, it has a strong scent, that i did and still do love. Just the smell of it though came with so many memories. Memories of a slimmer more glamorous me. A girl who bought new dresses every pay day, who had perfect fake nails with little purple hearts on my thumbs. I had more piercings than i do now. I had my hair cut coloured and styled every 4 - 6 weeks, and i made sure it always looked decent. I wore nice clothes every day, cute summer dresses, pencil skirts, lots of jewellery, i had dermal piercings just under my colour bone for goodness sakes. I wish i could go back and tell myself "girl, you look after yourself and you look DECENT" instead i hated myself so much that i spiralled down in self destruction. I was on weight loss pills, i was on 2 different antidepressants, i was on anti anxieties, i was taking 4 different types of pain killers. Basically i was numb to the entire world.

 

Then i met this man... Now my life is crapper than ever before. I have NO new clothes, my job pays like a third of what my past job did, my nails are bitten away to nothing, my hair is always in a mess, i gained a hell of a lot of weight, my "sexy underwear" doesn't fit anymore, but somehow, as lost as i am, now i am happier than ever before. I miss always looking good, i miss having guys always saying something nice about me, i miss smelling beautiful and having a decent exterior, but i have to admit, having a decent interior is far better.

 

I'm a different person. Before i never cared if i lived, mostly i didn't even want too, just felt like i couldn't leave my nana on her own in her medical state. Now the thought of dying SCARES me. I want to live. I want to live a long long life. Don't get me wrong, i hope like hell life improves, but i just thought people on here should know, no matter how much i whine. I want to be alive. No matter how many mistakes i make, i've come along way, sometimes i just need a little support.

 

This time last year i was on duromine, a weight loss drug that made me so very ill, and worsened my kidney problem (not a regular side effect, just me) But i didn't care. I took it every day, made myself sick and didn't care as long as i got smaller. Today, when i weigh more than before, when i feel horrible about my body, i found those pills - but i didn't take one. For the last 2 weeks, i've been exercising daily and eating well. It will take a long time to drop the weight, but i haven't been focusing on that. Instead i'm focusing on my health. I want to be healthy and happy.

 

Today was a big test, i struggled with bulimia for a very long time. Today was a bad food day for me - but i didn't purge, i didn't panic, i didn't start planning for fasting days or restricting calories, instead i planned that tomorrow i'd do my exercise dvd (rumba, and my god does it tire me out haha) twice, and i'd just be super healthy. Its okay to have bad days every now and then, i just can't live every day with unhealthy foods.

 

I am changing. And even though today was a big realisation that my partners mum cares for me more than my own family does, when my boyfriends been in a bad mood, when i have to see a dentist tomorrow and start getting my teeth done (thanks to my amazing mother-in-law-to-be-one-day), i am in a steady healthy frame of mind. I'm a stronger person than i ever thought i could be. So come on and tear me down, it won't be long before i build myself back up. Its what i do

[AnotherBrokenDoll]

Dear Journal,

 

And after that long heart warmed speech. He crushed my heart in a bowl and served it for dessert with ice cream. Gotta say, its the little things that slowly add up sometimes. I think the part that hurts most, is that clearly he doesn't even believe that i deserve better. But i do. I do deserve better, i just always thought that he was the best.

[AnotherBrokenDoll]

Dear Journal,

 

Do you ever get the feeling that you were made for something better? Created to change lives and move people? Because i do. Today i actually came up with a good idea. In the future i'd like to give motivational speeches to high school kids.

 

Maybe be a school mental health nurse, and fortnightly broach a different topic with each grade? Or maybe monthly, because fortnightly would be kind of hard to come up with topics haha.

 

Or maybe travel and give the same speeches to different schools.

 

I don't know, it probably sounds like a terrible idea.. Me teaching.. I just enjoy public speaking and even if i could help just one person i'd feel better.

 

But then i also wonder am i wanting to help someone else because i feel that i myself am a lost cause? I guess in alot of ways thats exactly how i feel. I'm surrounded by people who say they care but who i feel couldn't care less. And i'm thinking that this is my own problem. I blamed everyone else for a long time. Because i feel like i give so much more than i ever get from my friendships, family and relationships. Maybe thats true. But really, i think i give too much. I should put myself first. No one else does. So i should. But i feel so selfish doing that.

 

This is supposed to be my life. But its not. Its everyone elses. I have to stop that. I have to live for me. Thing is i've said this before. Doing it is so much harder.

[AnotherBrokenDoll]

Dear Journal,

 

I'm officially the worlds biggest idiot. Seriously i was all 'i'm healthy now i can't get triggered'. Yeah about that. Just looked at my tumblr.. Stupid idea.. Its full of inspiration for fasting. Its full of encouragement to lose weight fast. Really fast. Its been like 3 weeks of me doing half an hour if intense cardio a day, and eating 1200 calories (or less some days) And i've lost like 500gms. Really?! I don't have time for more exercise, but i could restrict. Doing that i could lose like 3kgs a week. I'd fit all my clothes in no time. But i wanted to do this healthily. And i'm on a crap load of tablets right now. Maybe when my tooth is fixed and i feel better my body will too. Maybe i'm holding onto fluid cuz of the pills - yes i am aware that theres a 99% chance that thats not true and maybe i am just trying to make me feel better. Something has to make me feel better.

[AnotherBrokenDoll]

Dear Journal,

 

Well this morning i stood on the scale. I've lost a grand total of 1 kilo. But i guess this is how being healthy works. Its a slow process. My dietician once told me you should only aim to lose between 0.25 & 0.5 of a kilo a week to be healthy. And this would mean i'm right on track of that. I also have to realise that i'm going to weigh more than i used to because i'm actually eating and exercising. I'm building muscle tone slowly. So even if i weigh a little more muscle weighs more than fat anyway.

 

Besides, this isn't about getting skinny. This is about being healthy. Feeling good. Yes i want to lose fat, but i also do want to gain muscle. I want to end up strong. And look fit. Not super skinny. I want to be slim. To fit into pretty summer dresses. To be able to wear a singlet and shorts. Not just live in maxi dresses to hide my tummy! (i do love maxis though haha)

 

I just want to be healthy and happy. So despite how triggered i get i won't be discouraged. I will eat 1200 calories a day and i will exercise for 30 - 40 mins a day. I don't want to go overboard because i don't want this to be a fad. I'm being realistic so i can do this every day

[AnotherBrokenDoll]

Dear Journal,

 

I'm still breathing. Barely. I'm struggling these days. I need him more than ever.

[AnotherBrokenDoll]

Dear Journal,

 

So he went through my messages on Friday night. When i wasn't there. Put my phone down when i came back. When i told him i new he'd checked them we laughed. I couldn't care less. I have nothing to hide. Today, i'm laying in bed beside him. He is watching a show with headphones on so i look for something to do. I pick up his phone. He gets ****ty. Swears at me. And takes his phone off me. Seems fair. Not!

 

Now i think i have a reason to be a little upset and angry. But he has the nerve to be angry at me for getting upset! Then after his tantrum, he tries to hug me - no i'm not in the mood to be held right now, i'd like an apology or to talk about it. But i don't just want to forget it. And because i ask him not too he storms off again?! Far out. Men are like children. Everything has to go there way.

[AnotherBrokenDoll]

Dear Journal,

 

This is not the life i ever saw me living.

[LikeWater]

Dear Journal,

 

This is not the life i ever saw me living.

 

Yet it's the only you've got, so you just have to try and make the most of it, ya know? I do understand exactly what you're saying, though.

 

Just popping in to, once again, reassure you that you're not alone. I know that's an overused sentiment but it still rings true, because although I'm not certain exactly what it is you're going through, I still feel for you.

 

I was feeling very down last night, and you know what made me feel better? Comedy. I just started watching all sorts of stand-up specials on Youtube and it really put me in a much better state of mind, so I'd recommend you try it if you're feeling low. Laughter is the best medicine after all, right? I could recommend some really good stuff if you needed.

 

Take care, ABD. I sincerely hope that the next time I check in on your journal that you're feeling much more content with your life.

[AnotherBrokenDoll]

LikeWater, thank you for your kind words. This is the only one i've got and i do appreciate it. Even if on here i never say i do. In real life i'm constantly laughing and smiling because i truly believe you have to fake it until you feel it and sometimes it really does work! I have alot more than others. I know i shouldn't complain so much, but its hard sometimes. I've been on all the antidepresants in the world, but i'd rather feel this than not to feel at all. Living life numb was so hard on my family and friends. Really though, thank you. It might be over used, but knowing i'm not alone is more helpfull than you know. It means something that you'd take the time to say something to a struggling stranger. Seems like you're a great person to me. If you ever need anything PM me, maybe one day i can give you a bit of hope on a bad day

 

Surprisingly i'm having a great day today. Despite the fact i was in the area of Australia that got hit by wind and water. Luckily we're not flooded, just lots of trees down and fallen branches causes power outs. It stopped me from working today which SUCKED. Today was a public holiday, i needed the money!! Desprrately. Now after all the water my car isn't running well either. Not good at all!

 

But somehow i am happy. I spent the morning snuggling with the man i love watching my favourite TV show and eating mac & cheese. Then headed home when the weather calmed to help clear up my back yard from fallen branches. We were out there for about an hour and it still looks terrible! But at least westarted. Tomorrow won't be as good! Work in the morning (provided my car starts) visiting my psychotic mother in her locked mental ward after work. Then the dentist in the afternoon - if they can numb me properly hopefully the pain will die down after tomorrow. Then i get to cook dinner for everyone else whilst i can't eat! So mean haha. But at least i'll go to sleep next to someone who loves me i guess

[AnotherBrokenDoll]

So i slept. For a good few hours. Of course at the wrong time and now its 10 30pm and i need to be up at 4 45 am and i can't sleep. But at least i slept at all. Sleeping was difficult. The wind and the rain kept me awake all night. Oddly i usually find the rain and storms calming. Not so much when the house is rattling though. Tonight the rain is back, but the wind not so bad.

 

Driving home opened my eyes. Streets were flooded, roads were blocked, i even saw a car with water half way up the door. Tree branches were everywhere and my car was shuddering and moving with the wind. Its all pretty horrifying. Aman on a motorcycle was swept away and his life taken. Many more horrible stories are out now as well. And my area didn't even get near the worst of it.

 

I used to feel everything, every sad story, every life lost, i'd feel it. I always saw it as a negative. I wished it awsy. But since i started nursing and have watched people die and suffer and experience the worst - and the best possible out comes i became unable to feel. I was numbed. My grandmother passed away and it took me a long time to even begin to grieve. But lately i've started to feel again. Now i can't make up my mind as to if its a good or a bad part of me.. It saddens me. It brings me down. But then i believe it makes me a kinder person. A more caring nurse. I never want to be a nurse who doesn't care. I'd rather be the nurse who cared to much. Who touched the hearts of my patients. I used to be that nurse. The nurse who continued to visit patients once they'd been transferred to other departments. Who attended their funerals. Who calmed them. Who always made sure i sat with the ones who needed it. If only for a few minutes. I was the first person to start work and the last to finish.

 

I remember being on my hospital prac when i was learning. A man was discharged when i wasn't there. I was just a student, but my name was the only name he mentioned when leaving. He was upset that i wasn't there. That he couldn't say goodbye.

 

At a different hospital, i had an elderly lady on end of life care tell me i was her angel. That someone had sent me to care for her and the other sick people. That they were lucky to have me as their nurse. Another lady offered for me to live with her so i didn't have to travel. She said she didn't have much but she was willing to share it with me.

 

Why am i writing all this? I guess when i look back i realise that i've already lived my dream. I always said i just wanted to touch the heart of someone. That i wanted to have the ability to change someones life. Well i may never have changed a life, but at least i can say i have touched hearts. But what happened to me? What happened to that person? I've become hardened. I've become inpatient. I've become abrupt. I'm unaffected by sorrow. I believed i'd toughened up. That i'd become assertive. That i'd rid myself of drama and bad people. But that should mean i have more time to give to the good people.

 

I want to be a better person. I don't want to be hardened by the harsh words, but softened by the kind words. I need to remember i have the chance to help ease peoples suffering. Emotionally. I need to be that person again.

[AnotherBrokenDoll]

One last thing before i disappear off to try and get some sleep seeing as its getting closer and closer to the time i need to wake. Today when cleaning the yard my sister decided to go up the ladder and clear some of our gutter because it was so blocked. We made the joke that grandpa would be so cranky if he knew what we were up too. I held the ladder for her and up she went. The floor was slippy and it was pretty dangerous. The next second we can hear this tune. Its niether of our phones. So we ignored it. When we were finished i went to investigate what it was. My little nana had kept a music box. It had to be opened to play and there it was sitting closed and playing... I opened and closed the lid and it stopped. My grandfather was in his bed and my sister and i were both outside when it started playing... There is literally no explanation for it. My sister laughed and said it was probably nana telling her to get down from the ladder. I never really believed in that. Once someone died i thought thy might be up there looking down on us but i never believed they could communicate with us. If it was nana, just saying, i'm a little jealous. I've begged to hear something. To know i haven't disappointed you too much. To feel safe knowing that you don't blame me for your passing. I remember her once saying to me that she didn't worry about me after she passed away, she worried for my sister. She said she knew i was the stronger one. That i was strong enough to cope. But nana, you were wrong. You were so incrediably wrong. You were my best friend and i am lost in this world without you. I'm missing you every day and i need to hear your opinion on everything. I want to know what you're thinking. Nana i need you here with me. To hold my hand and give me hugs and tell me that everything will be okay. Please nana. God i miss you so much. I'm not strong nana. That was you.

[AnotherBrokenDoll]

Dear Journal,

 

Works over. I'm exhausted. But more than that i'm terrified. Dentist soon. Someone save me!!

[AnotherBrokenDoll]

Dear Journal,

 

What is wrong with me? Seriously. Am i just not pretty enough to mean anything to anyone. Not smart enough. Not kind enough. Simply not good enough? Someone tell me what it is about me that makes people think so little of me. That seems to ensure that no one truly cares for me. That no one ever will. My friends are great and i love them. But i don't have a best friend. I don't have someone who puts me above their other friends. I don't have a friend to trust and confide in. I have lots of "friends" but now, now i seem to have no "good friends" left.

 

I love my boyfriend so completely, and yet to him i always come last. I always mean nothing. Today was a big day for us both. He recently finally got his license and he had done up his dads old car and today was going to get it registered. It was supposed to be an exciting day for him. Today i had my dental appointment that i'd been dreading since my last appointment where they couldn't numb me up. Feeling the pain of a drill drilling into your tooth close to the root is not pleasant, let me tell you that!

 

So i planned my appointment (as i always do) around my partners work, so i'd be there to pick him up from work on time. My dental appointment was a let down. Once again i could feel everything. Its agony. And yet my whole mouth is so completely numb. I currently look like i've had a stroke and its been 2 & 1/2 hours since my last anaesthetic needle! They doped me up with 6 x the usual amount. So many needles in my mouth. But still i felt everything Now i have to see a pain management specialist to stop the pain so they can preform the root canal. Not only do they cost a hell of a lot of money (which i simply do not have) but its more time off work, more pain, more procedures. It was terrible news. But i got myself together and headed to the shops to pick everything up because despite getting such terrible news and despite probably not even being able to eat tonight myself, i cook for my partners family on Tuesday nights and didn't want to cancel. So i got all the groceries and feeling sorry for myself went and headed to his work to get him.

 

I was early - about 15 minutes early, there was no point going home for 15 minutes so i just went straight there and sat waiting. First those 15 minutes went by. Then another 15 minutes. So i txted him letting him know i was waiting when he finished. Then another 20 minutes passed. I'd been now waiting for 50 minutes. Was pretty cranky because he hadn't even bothered to message me to let me know he was running late. Then then guys he worked with came out. One stopped to chat to me and asked if i was waiting for my boyfriend. When i said yes and asked him if he was coming he said "oh don't you know, no he isn't back here yet." Then proceeded to say "But you know he broke down right?" Well no of course i didn't know, because my great boyfriend had time to call his work but not time to send me a quick message to prevent me from waiting for 50 minutes outside his work in 35 degree heat, still in my work uniform of long black pants and a button up top. With a numb and sore face. Of course not.

 

So i called him. Of course he didn't answer. He rang back and honestly didn't even know why i was angry. Really? I am so sick and tired of being last on the list of everyones priorities. My car is completely screwed and not driving properly my mouth was aching and i was upset and not for a second did i even think about not going to picking him up from work. Not to mention the fact that he new i was terrified and not once did he message me today to say good luck with my procedure or to ask how it went. Even though he knew i was concerned. Why do i care so much? When every single other person in my life cares so little.

 

Its not about the waiting. Its that something like that happened and he didn't even think of me. A year and a half later and i still mean nothing. Not the nicest feeling.

[AnotherBrokenDoll]

Dear Journal,

 

Writing used to be my coping mechanism. I wasn't a great writer. But it was my one little escape from the world. It was my truth that i set down in a million lies i told each day. About me. About my life. How i was coping and what i was doing. I just tried to write, and nothing came. I don't know if perhaps i should be happy about that, looking over my poetry from years ago it was all from a very dark place and time in my life. A time where the best part of my day was cutting my skin, or purging my food or overdosing on pills. I know i get angry and upset and relapse every now and then, but at least now i can safely say i get through 90% of my days without a razor or any harmful coping mechanism. Even in times when i'm so angry and just need a release, i just wait for it to pass. Even when i feel like i will explode like a bomb and take out the nearest city. I keep calm. Or i cry it out. I do that a lot these days actually. I cry. Its kind of pathetic. My boyfriend doesn't even bother to try and comfort me anymore. Or when i say i'm having a bad day he replies with "well you always have bad days, what do you want me to do about it". It sounds harsh - but honestly, its true. Every day is a bad day and i cry and whine about it and he physically doesn't know what to do so he feels frustrated. He doesn't know how to help so he shuts me out. I love him, but comforting isn't exactly his strong point. It used to be... By now he just gets frustrated and confused. He doesn't understand and he probably never will, and you know what? I never want him too. I never want him to have felt this bad in the first place that he understands what its like to hurt every single day.

 

Things with him are hard. He doesn't communicate. He literally doesn't have the skills and he simply doesn't want to learn them. Talking to me about his emotions or mine, just isn't something he enjoys. Its a shame because i would nothing more than to have him stay up late and talk to me. About everything. About the ins and outs of life. About what makes us who we are and what makes us love each other. But that isn't him. And i love him for the person he is. Because all the little things that make me angry. All the things that make me want to kill him, they make up the man who saved my life. And i will never stop loving that man, no matter what.

 

We were looking at some old posts of mine. A private journal that i had once upon a time on here (i can't believe it has been almost 7 years since i came accross this site, i'd have been so lost without it) and all he could say was "wow". I was so completely and utterly depressed and scared and i was just a mess. He said that i should go through and delete all my old posts - my journals, my poems, my threads.. I know i couldn't do that even if i wanted to mods don't worry. But i don't want too. Thats a big reminder to me of how far i have come. Of how close i came to not being here at all. Of how much i just wanted my life to be over and now, now i want to live. I get frustrated that buy life isn't my own - but its life, and i will always chose to live now. Seven years ago i wouldn't have believed i would be sitting here at all. Let alone be in a stable long term relationship with a man i love, working as an assistant nurse and trying to find enrolled nurse positions, and hopefully starting my bachelor of nursing soon too. I never would have believed i'd have a decent car, a nice laptop, and even though i'm struggling financially - i am supporting myself. And if in seven years i've gone from having nothing and thinking i was going no where to having everything i have now, then i cannot wait for the next seven years of my life. In which time i'm highly hoping i'll have all my loans paid off, be driving a nicer car, be in a steady job, be looking at houses to buy, be married or planning on getting married and thinking seriously about kids.

 

I might not have saved the world, but with the help of my great guy, i certainly did save myself.

 

I guess i just really hope i can get my writing back. I need it. Because i might not be cutting and purging and overdosing - but i'm wanting too. I'm fighting the fight of my life right now, and i need to make someone understand what it feels like. I am struggling. I might always struggle. So please, someone reach out their hand.

[AnotherBrokenDoll]

Dear Journal,

 

There is one hell of an entry coming up either later tonight or tomorrow, but for now i need to cook dinner for everyone. Leaving you with the lyrics to the song that is getting me through tonight.

 

 

 

 

Savage Garden - Crash and Burn

When you feel all alone

And the world has turned its back on you

Give me a moment please to tame your wild wild heart

I know you feel like the walls are closing in on you

It's hard to find relief and people can be so cold

When darkness is upon your door and you feel like you can't take anymore

 

Let me be the one you call

If you jump I'll break your fall

Lift you up and fly away with you into the night

If you need to fall apart

I can mend a broken heart

If you need to crash then crash and burn

You're not alone

 

When you feel all alone

And a loyal friend is hard to find

You're caught in a one way street

With the monsters in your head

When hopes and dreams are far away and

You feel like you can't face the day

 

Let me be the one you call

If you jump I'll break your fall

Lift you up and fly away with you into the night

If you need to fall apart

I can mend a broken heart

If you need to crash then crash and burn

You're not alone

 

'Cause there has always been heartache and pain

And when it's over you'll breathe again

You'll breath again

 

When you feel all alone

And the world has turned its back on you

Give me a moment please

To tame your wild wild heart

 

Let me be the one you call

If you jump I'll break your fall

Lift you up and fly away with you into the night

If you need to fall apart

I can mend a broken heart

If you need to crash then crash and burn

You're not alone

[AnotherBrokenDoll]

Dear Journal,

 

So... Where do i even start, today was such a long day. I got like 3 hours sleep last night. Went to bed late and i kept waking up every hour. Its become a regular occurrence now. Anyway i was up at 4 45am today for work - why the heck did i decide nursing was a good idea?! Worked a crazy shift and ran back and forth all morning. Finished work. Went to the shops, picked up all the things mum wanted. Went and saw mum. Locked my damn keys in the car. Had to take her to her unit - then she decided she wanted to go to the bank so i took her there, it took me like an hour to sort everything out with them and gain access to her account whilst she's in hospital. Then had to sort out her rent situation with her landlord. Then her electricity. Basically had to be put as an extra onto all her bills so i get told when everything is due and how to pay it - great responsibility. Then 3 hours later - a begillion parking costs later - we made the trek back to hospital to have an appointment with mums doctor. She was lovely, but of course her mental health rotation is now over so come tomorrow there will be a whole lot of new doctors.

 

It was very confronting talking about mums delusions in front of her. She cannot believe that she is experiencing them, because to her - the delusions are real. Its just so damn hard.

 

But the hardest part of today was seeing the 3 young girls who were in for eating disorders. It was the most triggering experience. I was so ashamed of how i looked i was trying to hide myself after seeing them. Instead of it being the shock and feeling sympathetic towards them - i was completely jealous. I wanted to rip my skin off to try and be like them. I wanted to cut the fat away. So i did what i do best. I b/ped. Then spent the rest of the day bingeing because really - that SO going to help the situation. I'm so stupid.

 

You know. I've gotten to the point where i know i need help and i wish i could just book myself into hospital.. Because i'm not coping and i feel like i'm about to break at any minute. The anxiety and fear is back. The way i never want to be seen in public or go out is back. The way today i thought of just stepping onto the road in front of peek hour speeding traffic is back. But going crazy is a luxury i cannot afford. So i guess i'll make it through. Or i won't. Whichever - i'll be doing it alone.

[AnotherBrokenDoll]

Dear Journal,

 

Dental specialist today. He actually got me numb! Yay! But it does hurt quite a bit now. Lots of pain killers coming my way tonight. It only cost me $800 this appointment -_- Next visit is $700. Plus another $220 to get the tooth filled. But then it should last a year before i need the final cap put on which will be about $1800. God my teeth are so expensive. Once the canal has been finished in like 8 weeks i'll need to slowly fox up the rest of my teeth. Which luckily my health fund will cover. I'll have spent about $5500 just on my teeth when everything is finally finished. I guess it will be pretty amazing once its all done. To be in no pain and know my mouth is stable and healthy again. Its just annoying because i look after my teeth - they're straight and not everly discoloured. They look like perfectly healthy teeth. Its just the insides that are all messed up

 

My boyfriends van needs quite a bit of work done to it we think Not good at all. It would have been aweaome if it could just have worked out. But i guess it will make him appreciate it more the more he has to work for it. Especially seeing how terrible his money skills are! He is so bad. Hopefully in 5 - 10 years when we start to settle down and look at buying a house he will have been through that stage enough that he wants to be financially stable.. That being said it is something i really worry about. I pay for more bills and have more expenses than he does - and i survive, barely, but i make it work. He is struggling worse than me and he gets paid twice as much! I don't understand at all.

 

I got his old tv - carried it all by myself to my car, fit it in my car, got it out of my car and into my bedroom and set it all up only to realise it won't work for me. Not a happy chappy haha. I'll try using some different rabbits ears tomorrow. Hopefully that will work.

 

Can't believe valentines day is coming up and i am broke again. I wanted this year to be a little more special seeing as last year wasn't at all. Ah well a nice card and some chocolates for him and maybe some alcohol will do. I don't know. I can't wait for two years time when i'm hopefully finished my bachelor and will be a registered nurse and will be getting a decent pay and can actually start to save! I won't know myself with money in the bank!

 

I think i'll be happier anyway when all thats sorted. I just need some part of my life to be stable!

[AnotherBrokenDoll]

Dear Journal,

 

I'm so sleepy but also so not sleepy. I'm afraid to sleep these days. The last few nights my nightmares have been horribly graphic. They chase me down dark alleys and slice into my skin. They rip off my fingernails and do the most horrific things. They makeme fight back. Then hurt me more. They're laughing so hard at every imperfection on my body. Telling me what a disgusting mess i am. About how no man would ever find me attractive. They spit on me.

 

And then something comes over me. I fight back. I kill someone. I watch the light of their life go out and feel it all. I feel the damage i've done and i fall apart right there. On the cold hard concrete floor. The body of a man, dead, his head tilted on my leg. One of my arms still chained.

 

Sounds like a horror movie right? Anyone would think i'm lucky. Free movies in my head. But its horrible. I wake up cold. Sweaty. Afraid. Alone. I hope they go away soon.

[AnotherBrokenDoll]

Dear Journal,

 

Today has been a hard food day. I'm down and when i'm upset i want to eat. I'm trying to make myself realise that food isn't relative to emotion. Its a very hard process when it is something you've done your entire life. I don't think theres been a time in my life that i've ever been "healthy". I've eaten too much, or not enough. I've binged and purged. I've over exercised. I've hurt my body trying to prevent feeling my emotions. So what may be the easiest thing for the rest of the world is VERY difficult for me. Until you've been in this position you never really understand. Its like - i've never been "thin". I've been in the middle of the healthy weight range, i've been overweight and for a while there (as ashamed i am to admit it) i let myself fall into the obese category. It was about 4 years ago, and i will NEVER let myself go back there. I'm about 6 kilos off "healthy". This time when i get there, i don't want it to be from restricting.

 

But at the same time, i look in the mirror and i'm horrified. I hate everything about myself. I hate the way i look so completely i just want to fix it fast. I have duromine. Its sitting in my drawer about 2 meters away. It would make me incapable of sleeping. It would destroy my kidney. It would make me nauseous and vomit. But i know i could go three days without eating at all and lose between 2 - 4 kilos. Once i even lost 7 kilos off a 4 day fast. Do you know how much different you look 7 entire kilos lighter? A lot! I'm sick and just don't feel up to exercise with a fever in the middle of the Australian summer and with a pounding head ache. So i know that this would be a quick fix.. But quick fixes aren't healthy.

 

Its this massive conflict of know what i should do and that unhealthy side of my brain that i have let win so often...

 

It didn't help that i came accross all my corsets and outfits.. I wouldn't fit into any of them any more. Corsets really don't take kindly to ANY weight gain. Nothing will make you feel more unattractive, than no longer fitting into the exact clothes you would wear to be seen as attractive. Gah. What a terrible day.

 

Today i was hoping to at least end my day with snuggling my boyfriend ad watching a movie, but he decided to go fishing. Not his fault at all, we didn't have any plans or anything. I just feel sick and sad and wanted to at least feel some love too. Sunday is our normal day together -thanks to my having to be home looking after grandfather- but tomorrow i'm working all day, so i won't even have much time with him. I really am lucky to have him, as flawed as we both are and as much as we fight, i truly couldn't imagine waking up without him. I guess, its not the fights that matter, its the way that somehow, we always make it through.

[LikeWater]

I really am lucky to have him, as flawed as we both are and as much as we fight, i truly couldn't imagine waking up without him. I guess, its not the fights that matter, its the way that somehow, we always make it through.

 

Hey,

 

Just wanted to say that this is a wonderful distinction to make. Couples who are still individuals are going to have fights. They're not going to see eye-to-eye on every issue, and what fun would the world be if everyone did see eye-to-eye? So yeah, couples are going to have conflicts. But as you so beautifully put, the important thing is that as long as neither party gets too angry or emotional, they resolve those issues. Then go on to maybe have some make up sex, reaffirm to each other how much the other means to them, and gradually, they become a stronger couple.

[AnotherBrokenDoll]

Yeah, i think thats the problem with a lot of couples these days, everyone expects it to just be "easy" nothing worth having was ever easy, you have to work hard to make these things work.

 

Thanks for stopping by LikeWater, your comments are always welcome