One Lost Soul

[AnotherBrokenDoll]

Dear Journal,

 

What can i say, its been so long since i have found myself typing away on this site. In desperate need of an outlet. For the most part, i guess this year has had both the best and worst moments of my life enclosed. I lost the person who meant the most to me. I also continued to one the person who entered my life and changed it.

 

My health has been better, but i have had worse injuries than before. I completed my qualification, then was told to chose a different career path as my body won't handle the one i have chosen.

 

I've seen doctors, specialists, physiotherapists. They each predict a different outlook on my life. For now, i'm just continuing on. One moment at a time. So many days are spent in quite bad pain, that i guess you could say the positive is the days i have no pain. I've come to recognise that these are the best days i will have.

 

A day where my body ceases fire on itself.

 

My nan i now looking down on me. I guess its usual for someone who is grieving to wonder what they'd be thinking. I wish i could see her, hear what she has to say. I just want to know i'm not letting her down.

 

I'm still caged, living my grandfathers life as he refuses to let go. He wants to be independent, and for the most part he is, however it means i have to be there, when in fact i wish i could be anywhere else. I'm 21. I want to work in a hospital. I want to get away from aged care, but i just can't when i'm already splitting myself in two. Living half of my own life and half of his. Doing night shifts and afternoons would just cause too much chaos in a life that really couldn't bare much more drama.

 

I'm in love, he is a great guy for the most part. I want to believe he is my one and only. We've only been together for a little over a year. But it was pretty instantaneous. We met, we fell it love, we want to be together forever. Normally our relationship feels like my one piece of joy, like the fairytale ending through the nightmare. But i'd be lying if i didn't say it was difficult at the moment.

 

I guess i've been second best my whole life, i just always had the dream of finding someone who would love me so much he would put me first without a second thought. But i guess in real life that doesn't happen. Honestly, right now, i feel our relationship slipping away inch by inch, a little more each day. But i've never had a serious relationship before. I guess the romance fades in every relationship. I still see him every day. I am with him most nights now i have found. And he still tells me he loves me more than anything. He says he still wants us forever. And that is the only thing that matters.

 

He hurts me. But i know i hurt him too. I guess its the pushing through the bad times that makes a relationship successful right? Its struggling through the storm, to find the rainbow. And sometimes i feel that rainbow coming closer. Hopefully this is just a rough patch. We are both strong minded people. We need to find a compromise more often.

 

But in the moment, i get so angry i lose site of everything else. See, i know i am flawed too. We will learn how to get through this, i'm sure of it.

 

Right now i feel lost in myself. I am happier, but i am still lost. Maybe people like me, who see the world differently will always be lost. I don't know. I just feel like i need a point to my life. Like the ins and outs of a 9 - 5 job isn't enough for me. I want to touch the hearts of those around me. I want to reach for the stars. I want to really live this life.

 

I just need there to be a point, to all the hurt and sadness. To the pain. To the scars that cover my body, and to the scars that cover my soul. I need there to be a reason for my existence. I don't want to live and die and be forgotten. I want more. I NEED more.

[AnotherBrokenDoll]

Dear Journal,

 

*sigh* What am i even doing with my life? You only get one, i wanted to make mine count for something, to make it MEAN something. This week i haven't been offered one shift, and i know i haven't called and chased shifts either - but seriously, not one? I'm exhausted and in pain and i don't even want to move. Ever since my work injury in August, my neck and back have been so painful. Work cover took the pieces of information from each person they wanted and co joined them o they wouldn't have to pay my expenses anymore. Pretty sure if i had money to cover a law suit i could have sued. Even my physiotherapist said that they were putting me back into the work field simply to get injured again, and next time it will be worse. FANTASTIC. I tried for some reception/retail positions, thinking even if i just did that for a year it would let my neck recover, but i don't have any relevant experience anymore.

 

This is all that i have and all that i can do. Hopefully my registration comes through soon and i can start looking for lighter positions. Today i'm going to get a massage - which will literally put me into so much financial strain its crazy - but if i don't get it i won't even be able to work the weekend, which right now - i need to do! Remind me why i had to be a nurse?!

 

My boyfriend, although he was in a foul mood yesterday - finally said a few of the things i needed to hear. And before he went to work we just cuddled for a few minutes. It was nice to feel so close to him again. So at least i feel a little at ease with that side of things. So many of my friends have said they want to catch up with me whenever i can. Is it bad that i literally just cannot be bothered seeing them? Its not that i don't appreciate them or care for them, i do. I just feel like i don't really have the energy to be around people who expect me to talk and be happy.

 

I guess that sounds bad. I'm actually not depressed at the moment. I'm actually fairly happy. As happy as i ever have been. I guess i'm just looking for something more, looking for inspiration.

 

I need a little hope and a lot of good luck. Fingers crossed, it hits me soon!

[AnotherBrokenDoll]

Dear Journal,

 

Today seems a little better so far. Working this afternoon, morning in bed with the boyfriend. Hopefully today will bring me a little bit of happiness and hope for brighter days to come.

 

I actually saw my friends last night, not for long. But it was nice to catch up, even briefly. Sometimes we all just need a little perspective to be bring us back to life

 

I hope you all have a lovely weekend. I hope i do too! Hehe.

[AnotherBrokenDoll]

Dear Journal,

 

It started out so good! What happened to my day? First my boyfriend and i got into a massive fight - not realising his brother was actually still home and in the next room. I cried more than i have in a long time. And i know to most people it would seem stupid, but i can't help it. He broke yet another promise. Its beginning to get so hard to trust him at all. I don't believe what comes out of his mouth anymore. Which is really sad.

 

Then we just had a nap then watched a movie before i went to work. Work was okay, but we were all a bit lost because they had everyone who normally does morning shifts on together in the afternoon - so it was a bit of the blind leading the blind. But i was so looking forward to coming home and cuddling up to my boyfriend, and having a good nights sleep. - Well i was just about to say something, but he just got home from being out with his brother and he has been lovely. He is currently making me food. I wish he would be happy to cuddle up and watch another movie or something, but i think he wants to play pool with his brother and his brothers friends. Which i understand, he hasn't seen his brother in a while. I just feel like i need some us time. That is just happy us time. It sucks that i have work in the morning. I really wish i didn't. But alas, when you haven't worked all week you do not turn down the short shifts, especially not on the weekend.

 

I miss the simple times. I mean, for me that was like when i was 7 or 8. Before i really knew there was something wrong with mum. Before i understood she was sick. Before i realised how mentally unwell she was she was my best friend. Its so hard to see her become the person she is today. I tried everything to help her. I swear i really did. I tried doing a family intervention, i tried talking to her on my own, i tried the tears, the anger, the concern... I tried talking to her doctors, and even to the police. But at the end of the day until the day she is willing to help herself, i cannot do anything for her.

 

My sister spoke to her dad tonight. I'm so happy for her in so many ways. She deserves to find him and know him. It is all she ever wanted. But theres a tiny part of me which is just so scared, she's the only family member i'll have left in a few years. She's basically all i've got and i'm all she's got. What if i lose her to him? What if she drifts away from me to be a part of his life? And i guess if i'm honest i'm a little envious too. He is a nice guy, with a decent job and good family. He lives half way accross the world and she has a better chance of a successful relationship with him than i do with my own father and he lives down the street (not even joking, literally 10 minutes and 3 streets away and he never, not once bothered to contact me). My dad works in retail and has 5 other kids to date. They have a tiny little house that i'm pretty sure they rent. Heres the thing. I could kind of understand if he left me to better his own life. To make something great of himself. Or if he did something good. But instead he just fathered a bunch of other kids, but couldn't even be bothered to write me... I do not understand.

 

I met him once briefly, and he has messaged me on my birthday for the last two years, even though i've never written him. I come from a place that has no money. I don't judge people who have no money, for goodness sake i'm one of them. I do judge people who don't change their lives. You make your own life, and what after me he decided that it was a good idea to continue having unprotected sex and keep breeding even though he couldn't support himself? I can't forgive that. You have to learn from your mistakes.

 

Although i will give him one thing. His children seem happy. And if he somehow managed to raise happy and healthy children i will never say a word against him again. Because that is a damn good accomplishment.

 

I just don't understand. I don't care how hard it is, you fight like hell for your child. You love them. You do not let them go. But he let me go... He let me go.

 

I think everyone does in the end. Some last years, some only months. But in the end everyone lets me go. They walk away. Maybe it's me, maybe somehow even since childhood i've repelled people? That would not surprise me.

 

Food for thought huh. Well i guess i am off. To finish eating my dinner and drink my sorrows away for the night. Tomorrow is a new day, thats the one comfort i'll take with me to sleep tonight.

[AnotherBrokenDoll]

Note to self: Do not kill boyfriend. Jail would not be good for someone who has pink nails, and sweeping fringe and is basically a bit of a priss (aka me).

[AnotherBrokenDoll]

Dear Journal,

 

Right now all i can do is feel. And not the good emotions. The terrible ones, that hurt so much. For the first time in a long time, tonight, i honestly wish i was no longer here.

 

I'm not suicidal. I won't take my own life. I care too much for those in my life. What i mean is, if there were an accident and something happened to me, it wouldn't be a bad thing. At least i wouldn't have to feel like this anymore.

 

At least i could feel nothing, instead of everything. My heart physically hurts. I just want to be loved. I just need to be loved. To have someone be kind to me. Its been so long since someone has just been kind. Since someone has cared.. I just wish someone would care.

 

But i am not exactly pretty. Not exactly smart. And not exactly anything to be cared for. I just want the hurting to stop. At least for tonight. So right now i'm going to get a drink. And fall asleep. And wake up tomorrow and continue this life that is everything i never wanted it to be.

 

I'm 21. But i feel like i'm just ready to leave this world behind. I've lived all the life i will ever have. The rest is just waiting for life to take its course.

 

I'm over. I just wish my heart and lungs would agree.

 

I hope anyone reading this is feeling better than i am! Goodnight, i appreciate every view. Even just the views somehow make me feel a little less alone.

[avman]

Hey there. I still care!

[AnotherBrokenDoll]

Dear Journal,

 

In the same week theres been endless tears, drunken nights at home, cutting, scratching myself until i bleed and some b/ping. I would say that we're in for a very bumpy holiday season. Funniest part is - this is as good as my life gets. This has been the best year of my life. And its been pretty damn tragic. That doesn't say much for my future.

[AnotherBrokenDoll]

Dear Journal,

 

Thanks Avman I'm feeling much better today - except for the heat!! Yesterday at 5 in the afternoon it was still over 30 degrees! Would have hated to know how hot it was at midday!

 

Today really isn't any better. Its so humid i can barely even breathe. The air is sticky. Everyone is sweaty. I just want to run the cold water and stay under it forever!

[AnotherBrokenDoll]

Its 11 51pm right now. I have to be awake at 4 30am. This will not be fun. I can't decide if i should hit the coffee hard now and wake myself up and just not sleep, or whether i should fight the battle i'm sure i'm going to lose and try to sleep.

 

The heat is ridiculous. You can't breathe properly, its too hot to sleep. Clothes stick to your skin like glad wrap. Needless to say i am a winter girl by far.

 

Hopefully i'll get some work tomorrow. My neck is so very sore and i'm in desperate need of a massage - but if i don't get work tomorrow and Thursday i know i'll have to cancel my appointment. I just can't afford it. Honestly, right now even petrol is going to be a struggle. Someone remind me why i decided this was a good idea? I could be comfortably living off my old wage. But no, I have to come up with 'good ideas' that actually result in me having no work at all.

 

I could have worked this morning, but it was in the hostel - and after the shift i had there on the weekend, i do not want to go there again unless i'm so broke i'm afraid i won't eat! God, we were short staffed, i had very rarely actually worked over there, i was with a newbie, we had falls and vomits and residents deciding to poo on the ground. But that part i could deal eith. It was the other carers who hwere busy yes, but so were we and they were just not understanding. They were rude and even whinged at the nurse in charge about us. Lucky our nurse stood up for us and told them to pull their own weight and she was lovely enough to say she'd have us working with her all the time. Which was nice - because we just felt like we were getting attacked all day.

 

I'm good at what i do, its the only thing i will compliment myself on. I am a hard worker and i am a good carer. I love my work. But i can't stand being treated like that!

 

Well now its 12 07am and i have successfully rambled for almost 20 minutes. Maybe if i ramble on here enough i won't do it in person so much. If i could change one thing about myself it would be how much i talk! Half the time i hear myself talking and just want to tell myself to shut up. No wonder why i have limited friends! Seriously.

 

God i'm going to be exhausted if i get work tomorrow. I'm also supposed to see a friend after work, shes a lovely girl so i really should. I'm proud. If i do see her tomorrow, i'll have seen all my closest friends within the space of a week. So much social interaction my head might explode. I have 6 good friends whom i'm lucky to have. And my epically amazing boyfriend who told me he loved me many times today See we might argue and fight, but at the end of the day i know he is worth every argument. Because the good days are everything i ever dreamed of, and more.

 

Well i better actually shut up and go. I live a boring life - This journal will prove that. But thats okay. I'm not looking for your approval on my life. I'm looking to escape it every now and then for a few moments. You won't get anything out of reading my useless rambles. But i get something out of just knowing that people are hearing my words. So thank you.

[AnotherBrokenDoll]

Dear Journal,

 

Pretty sure this entry is just supposed to be all the different curse words in one place. What a life!

[AnotherBrokenDoll]

Dear Journal,

 

I love him. Why am i so pathetic. Every 15 minutes i check my phone, hoping he will message me. Just hoping he'll care. Just hoping he will know i need him. Because i do need him.

 

I'm trying so hard to give him space. To let him go a little, give him space, like they say 'if you love someone let them go, if they're yours they'll come back' or whatever. I guess the problem is what if he never was mine? What if this hasn't meant as much to him as it does to me.

 

He is my whole life. I couldn't have gotten through this year without him. He was amazing. He changed my life. He is all i want. He says he loves me, but something has changed. He isn't happy. He says it isn't me. But i used to make him happy. I want that back. I want him to feel like i changed his life. Like he did mine. I don't want to be just another girl.

[AnotherBrokenDoll]

Its so very hard to stop myself from gushing at you. Confessing my undying love for the millionth time. But, it did help me hear you say that you love me, always and forever. I needed to hear this. Bad bad day today

[AnotherBrokenDoll]

Dear Journal,

 

Please. Take me out of here. I am so sick of everything I do being wrong. I'm tired of pissing you off. I'm tired of you being angry. I'm just tired. I want to be happy. I wanted today to be a good day. If I knew this was what I was in for I would have just worked today. I wish I made you happy. But clearly I just don't. I swear, I mean we'll. I'm trying. I'm sorry I'm just not enough.

 

This was already going to be the worst Christmas. Today just made me wish. Could sleep through the entire day. It will just be another day for us to fight and me to cry. Sounds great right?

[AnotherBrokenDoll]

Dear Journal,

 

I'm officially a real enrolled nurse. I'm a nurse. Qualified through and through. I'm scared and excited and so damn happy.

 

But so damn sad too. I just want to tell my nana. I want to tell her and have her be happy and give me a big hug. I just miss her.

 

So nan, this one is for you! I hope you are happy and proud. I will always love you. I will always miss you.

[AnotherBrokenDoll]

Dear Journal,

 

I applied for a job in a hospital yesterday. An RN from work told me she used to work there and gave me her number and told me to call her if i get an interview and she'll go over all the relevant information for me. Basically she said she'd coach me for the interview.

 

I applied late though so chances of getting an interview are slim. God i hope i do though. I became a nurse to work in mental health and this is a private mental health hospital and its 15 minutes away from home. Plus they have permanate shifts. Its like my dream job.

 

I wrote on the email that even though i was late applying i really hoped he would consider my application anyway. Its a long shot - but i have to hope. If not, i'll start applying for casual pools at all the hospitals.

 

I just need a job!

 

Anyways, i'm at work on my break right now. Then i'm going to go get me some new glasses, and then Phill and i are going on a movie date

 

He has his license, i'm a nurse, soon he'll be finished his qualification and i'll start my RNs.

 

Life might get better afterall. Lets keep our fingers crossed!

[AnotherBrokenDoll]

I hate my body. I hate my face. I hate my hair, my legs, my arms, my nose, my everything. Not only do i disgust myself but i obviously disgust my boyfriend too. Note to self; starve yourself, its the only time you've ever looked decent enough to f***.

[AnotherBrokenDoll]

Dear Journal,

 

Nothing tears apart the heart quite like loving and caring for someone, more than they ever will for you.

[AnotherBrokenDoll]

Dear Journal,

 

There were three things i asked him to promise me, all three things he has now broken. He broke the last one last night. I found out today. 3 hours ago. I was good enough to forgive him. Yet again. Now he is in a feral mood. Seriously, he is a great guy, but i don't deserve to be treated this way.

[AnotherBrokenDoll]

Dear Journal,

 

For the first time in a long time i was happy. I had a few drinks and was just simply and childishly happy. His reaction? Not to join in, or giggle, or look after me.. Just to say "can you just stop". Apparently i have to "just stop" being happy. No problems there. Its a ****ing rare occasion happiness happens to me, and you just killed it. Careful what you wish for.

 

P.s dinners gone.

[AnotherBrokenDoll]

Dear Journal,

 

This year will be like every other. A let down. Another year for me to mean nothing to the people who mean everything to me.

 

Well i am devistated. Alone. Completely alone.

[AnotherBrokenDoll]

Dear Journal,

 

For a few hours i was hopeful i was wrong. I had myself believing that my phone wasn't working. Its not even that anything is wrong. Its simply that i feel more than most. I wish there were a way to just stop caring. To somehow stop myself from feeling. But i never will.

[AnotherBrokenDoll]

Dear Journal,

 

I feel so damn used! I know that this must seem like a place where i come and just feel sorry for myself, and maybe it is. I have a lot of great things in my life, but i've always felt like i'm not good enough. No one has ever really told me that i am, i guess thats something you have to tell yourself though, right?

 

This will sound pretty pathetic, but watching a show about high school, then what happens after high school has just made me realise how all my dreams are so completely on hold. I hate it! You know, i just got my Enrolled Nurse registration, and i couldn't be happier, but by now i thought i would be a Registered Nurse. I thought i'd be working in the field i always dreamed i would, i thought i'd be almost out of debt - have a better car that i do now, i thought i'd have savings in my bank account, i thought i'd be single and the only thing that i thought might have been in my way of me travelling accross the world and starting mental health clinics, or helping the children in third world countries would have been my grandfather.

 

Reality sucks! Grandpa is here and holding me back, but so is my boyfriend - not because he wants too, but because i love him so much i want to spend all my time with him instead of making my dreams come true. He means the world to me, but if i'm going to give up all that ambition that i have, i need to see something for it. I need to see us moving forward as a couple. I need to know that soon enough we'll be engaged and settling down in our own home. I need to be able to trust that he will get better with money, because if my first dreams are going to slip through my fingers than i want my second of being a mother to come true. And i have to say - young as i am, i'm starting to catch the bug.

 

I want to be young when i have kids, my body is likely to fall apart at any given time and if it does i want to have had the chance to run around with my little boy or girl first. I don't want to give that up too. He says he wants all these things, but i can see it now, the more comfortable he gets with me, the less he can be bothered about a marriage and a house. I've given up so much of myself, i don't want to give this side up too. More than that, i don't want to end up resenting him for he life i could have had like i do my grandfather.

 

I've spoken to him about this a million times, his story never changes, he wants what i want... I just don't know if i can believe that.

[AnotherBrokenDoll]

Dear Journal,

 

Money is the most horrible part of society. Especially when it comes to health care. I'm in absolute agony. My tooth is causing me so much pain, i need a root canal done. It costs about $1500 for a root canal to be done, which i do not have. I'm struggling just to pay my bills. Plus after that its about another $1500 to get a cap put on. I need heaps more fillings done. But i simply cannot afford them. I need about $5000 just to fix my teeth. I simply do not have that money.

 

I can't even get my tooth pulled out because its one of the front teeth and not only that but it can cause all the other teeth to fall in around it. So i'd look even worse. I don't know what to do. All i know is it ****ing hurts. And my car is about to die. And i have no money so the bank won't even refinance my loan. Basically i am completely stuffed.

 

What am i supposed to do?

[AnotherBrokenDoll]

"You can't break a broken heart, so don't waste your time."