Is this what "settling" means?

[MattW]

I've been doing a lot of thinking and evaluating over the last few months about my future "romantic" prospects. When I was younger, I always envisioned myself falling in love, getting married, and so on, and that was a happy thought. But, for the last few years, I had convinced myself that I was "doomed" to be alone because I could never find a girl I really felt strongly about, and wanted to be more than friends with. It was a sad, depressing realization, but I basically made peace with it. Then, a few months ago, I fell pretty hard for a girl I know, and we seemed so good for each other that I almost couldn't believe it. I let myself throw out all those "forever alone" thoughts, and asked her out, and she turned me down.

 

I'm still dealing with lots of lingering feelings and thoughts for that girl, mostly because I still know her and see her fairly regularly. But I'm starting to sink back into my "doomed to single life" mindset. Or rather, I'm starting to see another possible "future" that I'm not really sure how I feel about. See, I don't believe there's very many girls out there that I could actually "feel strongly" about, and even if I manage to find them, as with this last girl, there's no guarantee they'll want to be with me.

 

However, I do feel like there are girls out there that may date me, but I wouldn't feel very strongly about them, or very "connected". In fact, thinking back, I believe in high school, there was a girl that probably would've dated me. Had we dated, it probably would've been a nice, easy little "relationship", but I never felt "strongly" about her, because we weren't really that compatible, and I feel like I would've been kind of... bored, with her. I still would've tried to be the best "boyfriend" as I possibly could, for her sake, but I think I, myself, probably would've been more "content" than "happy" with her. Does that make sense?

 

Anyway, that got me to thinking... Is that what "settling" is? A lot of people end up "settling", correct? Perhaps it's not completely realistic for me to believe I'll find and get together with a girl I feel "strongly" about? Maybe it's more realistic and natural to find someone to just be "content" with?

 

I mean, I guess that would be better than having no one at all, but I dunno... That paints sort of a dreary image of a long term relationship, to me. On the other hand, I feel like finding someone I feel "strongly" for is more akin to playing the lottery; plenty of people play, but most never "win big". Maybe that's how dating/ relationships work, though? I don't really know.

[omdhafeio]

It's true. Life doesn't really care if you are single or not. You might just end up that way. It's better than "settling" and not being with someone you truly want to be with.

[darkja25]

I really want to know the answer to this. Im also 23 and i fell in love with my best friends gf. Never felt so strong for not alone anyone but anything as long as i have lived. Were in the NC period now and its hell. The real problem is i dont see myself ever feeling like this before since it took me so long in the first place.

[lilylilylily]

Love or 'strong feelings' doesn't have to be instant.

 

Feeling strong feelings straight away for a girl is very rare. Sometimes love takes time to grow, to explore, to find out what its like to share your heart/being with another person. These sorts of things don't just happen overnight... it takes time and energy.

 

No you shouldn't just 'settle' and find someone you're 'content' with. Life and love is a development/growth... finding someone who is a good life friend, who will keep growing with you / growing with love, is just as precious and valuable.

 

And you also shouldn't assume that this girl you had 'strong feelings' for was 'the right one' at all.

[indea08]

or maybe you just haven't gotten to know any of these girls well enough to feel "strongly" for them...Of every person I've ever dated, NONE of them were someone I met and instantly felt that connection. All of them were platonic friends first. Actually, my boyfriend now was a friend with benefits. I made it clear to him that I wanted NOTHING to do with a relationship, just wanted a steady person to have fun with. After a few months, I got to know him and eventually something clicked, and now he's my world. give girls a chance. it may not be instant, but i'll bet one of them has little quirks that you'll eventually adore.

[MattW]

Love or 'strong feelings' doesn't have to be instant.

 

Feeling strong feelings straight away for a girl is very rare. Sometimes love takes time to grow, to explore, to find out what its like to share your heart/being with another person. These sorts of things don't just happen overnight... it takes time and energy.

 

I'm not saying that; heck, with this last girl, I knew her for over a year before I actually "fell for her". Honestly, I prefer to get to know a girl a bit before I'd date her, anyway. Asking out/ going out with someone who's mostly a complete stranger doesn't appeal to me at all, and I'd rather be able to skip all that "icebreaker" stuff that comes along with dating strangers. So, that's not really the issue. The issue I have is that, in all the girls I've gotten to know over the last few years, I've never developed any kind of "romantic interest" in. There's plenty of girls I am and have been "friends" with, but none have ever caught my interest, not in the way this last girl did, anyway. It just doesn't seem to happen for me, for whatever reason.

 

And you also shouldn't assume that this girl you had 'strong feelings' for was 'the right one' at all.

 

I'm not saying that, either, really. I don't necessarily think this girl was the "one and only" girl for me. Like I said, I just think the amount of girls I could have that with is extremely small, probably smaller than that of the average person, and when you factor in that there's a fairly good chance none of those handful of girls would want to be with me, it seems my prospects aren't so good, when it comes to finding someone to be "happy" with, as opposed to just being "content" with.

[camus154]

Settling has more to do with maturing expectations and perspectives than it does with feelings.

[lilylilylily]

Ahh.. I see

 

I just think the amount of girls I could have that with is extremely small, probably smaller than that of the average person,

 

The numbers game can tend to be depressing, ie: "Only x amount of people would suit me and the chances of me meeting them is unlikely". You can't rationalise your options/chances like that, especially when relationships are irrational in nature.

 

Stay positive,

[HeatherB]

First off, you sound kinda depressed (not a diagnosis) and down because you got turned down by that girl you liked, so that affects all of your thinking. Keep that in mind, and don't take yourself or your thoughts too seriously.

 

Remember, the past does not equal the future. You can make up all the plans and fantasies you want, but the only guarantee you can count on is that the future will be nothing like you thought.

 

Second off. You got turned down months ago. That's too long to wait between asking chicks out. If you want a great girl, you need to speed up the process. You have two choices, as I see it: a. You can ask out loads of chicks you find attractive and keep asking until one gives you a chance, or b. You can work on making yourself more attractive so that you don't have to ask out as many women before you find one who is interested.

 

No you don't have to settle. But you do have to give up your desire for a guarantee that the girls who excite you will want you. There is no way of knowing in advance. All you can do to affect the outcome is try your best in the moment.

 

Whatever you do, get out of your head and get moving. The best way to end up alone or in a dismal relationship is to sit around thinking and waiting for something to happen to you.

[BrianH46]

...You know the dynamics between friendship and dating are vastly different right? You realize that the same girl you are friends with could be very different after months of dating right? To know someone in a romantic context you must be in a romantic context with said person plain and simple. Let me let you in on a sobering adult fact: you do not date because you are in love with someone, you date to discover and nurture mutual love. Let go of your notions of "romance" and actually attempt to date someone or else your forever alone future is very viable.

[Day_Walker]

First of all, you are 23, there is not reason to think that you're doomed and that you have to settle. The definition of settling is simple, when you choose being in a relationship with a person when you dont want to go after what you want.

[MicheleDC]

How did you feel when you had strong feelings for one of the girls?

[MattW]

...You know the dynamics between friendship and dating are vastly different right? You realize that the same girl you are friends with could be very different after months of dating right? To know someone in a romantic context you must be in a romantic context with said person plain and simple. Let me let you in on a sobering adult fact: you do not date because you are in love with someone, you date to discover and nurture mutual love. Let go of your notions of "romance" and actually attempt to date someone or else your forever alone future is very viable.

 

Sure, but there has to be some "basis" as to what "attracts" two people to each other in that way, in the first place. I never find that "basis" with anyone, and that's the issue (or part of it, at least).

 

Second off. You got turned down months ago. That's too long to wait between asking chicks out. If you want a great girl, you need to speed up the process. You have two choices, as I see it: a. You can ask out loads of chicks you find attractive and keep asking until one gives you a chance, or b. You can work on making yourself more attractive so that you don't have to ask out as many women before you find one who is interested.

 

Maybe it seems like "too long", but in fairness, I don't really have enough of a "social life" built up yet to meet a large number of girls in a small amount of time. For the most part, I've allowed myself to live a fairly sheltered, antisocial life, and only in the last couple of months have I really been trying to break away from that, get out there, make friends, and have a life. That hasn't happened as quickly for me as I would've hoped it would, but I'm kinda starting to make progress on that front.

 

Anyway, like I said, even if I were meeting more girls fairly regularly, I still need time to get to know them before I decide if I find them "attractive" as "romantic interests". I've never been the type to see a pretty girl and want to ask her out, or whatever. I need time to find that "basis of attraction" that I mentioned. That can take weeks, or even months (or longer, as it turns out).

[MicheleDC]

Also, I wonder if guys who are just now starting to understand that most women aren't Playboy center folds, does that make them depressed? Like when they think that they are settling for a woman who wouldn't get paid as a model, does that make them feel worse about themselves? Do they grieve the loss of the type of girl they thought they would be with?

[HeatherB]

Anyway, like I said, even if I were meeting more girls fairly regularly, I still need time to get to know them before I decide if I find them "attractive" as "romantic interests". I've never been the type to see a pretty girl and want to ask her out, or whatever. I need time to find that "basis of attraction" that I mentioned. That can take weeks, or even months (or longer, as it turns out).

 

Start with physical attraction. Does imagining her naked make you smile? You can't know another person's soul right away. Whether or not she makes you twitch, you can know within five seconds. That's where to start. The way you're doing it now is going to take you til you're 60.

[MattW]

How did you feel when you had strong feelings for one of the girls?

 

I... don't really know how to describe it. With this girl I asked out, you mean? Well, I feel like we connected on a lot of different levels, and that we just sort of "got" each other. Something about her really made me interested in who she was, how she felt and thought about things, what she had to say, etc. More than that, she... kind of "challenged" me. Around her, I saw the person I wanted to be and the life I wanted to have, and it actually seemed like it was attainable, like it was within my reach, and not so far out there that I couldn't have it.

[MattW]

Also, I wonder if guys who are just now starting to understand that most women aren't Playboy center folds, does that make them depressed? Like when they think that they are settling for a woman who wouldn't get paid as a model, does that make them feel worse about themselves? Do they grieve the loss of the type of girl they thought they would be with?

 

I could imagine that applies to some guys, but it's not really the case for me. I've never been looking to date girls that "look like super models". Heck, the girl I asked out isn't exactly some beauty queen. That's not to say I don't find her physically attractive, because I do, but it's not like she's some drop dead gorgeous model and I'm some disgusting troll.

 

Start with physical attraction. Does imagining her naked make you smile? You can't know another person's soul right away. Whether or not she makes you twitch, you can know within five seconds. That's where to start. The way you're doing it now is going to take you til you're 60.

 

This will probably sound like complete and utter BS, but I assure you it's not... Honestly? I don't notice "physical attraction" until I become attracted to a girl for who she is. It's weird, and it probably doesn't make sense to a lot of other people, but for some reason, I just... don't see girls in that way until I know "who" they are.

[camus154]

This will probably sound like complete and utter BS, but I assure you it's not... Honestly? I don't notice "physical attraction" until I become attracted to a girl for who she is. It's weird, and it probably doesn't make sense to a lot of other people, but for some reason, I just... don't see girls in that way until I know "who" they are.

 

I think this is part of your problem. I know, that seems counter-intuitive to suggest this is a negative instead of a positive, but it probably reflects a bigger mentality that has you thinking you'll die alone at the ripe old age of 23.

 

Maybe you're quite simply trying too hard. Or trying too earnestly. Have some fun, dude.

[and so it goes]

 

Remember, the past does not equal the future.

 

THE most brilliant sentence I've read today, and maybe this week. I should write this on my bathroom mirror.

 

Sorry OP off topic but, really - this phrase says it all.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Settling has more to do with maturing expectations and perspectives than it does with feelings.

 

I completely disagree with this. Lots of people settle for someone they are not overly crazy about but they just want to be married, start a family, have financial perks etc that comes with being a couple.

[Ms Darcy]

...You know the dynamics between friendship and dating are vastly different right? You realize that the same girl you are friends with could be very different after months of dating right? To know someone in a romantic context you must be in a romantic context with said person plain and simple. Let me let you in on a sobering adult fact: you do not date because you are in love with someone, you date to discover and nurture mutual love. Let go of your notions of "romance" and actually attempt to date someone or else your forever alone future is very viable.

 

This. OP might not like this, but for others who don't mind here is my own understanding of it.

 

We live in a very materialistic, selfish age ... especially in Western cultures. We look at what others have and covet it. Why does that jerk get to have the hot babe I wanted? Why does she get to be married with kids and not me?

 

I think our views on love can be equally fickle. We only want who we deem "attractive" to us and that many manifest itself in somewhat shallow demands for looks. We are 'chemistry' and 'spark' oriented so if 'the spark dies' we run out of a relationship like a bat out of hell. So we run from relationship to relationship or from prospect to prospect looking for a white horse.

 

The greatest gift that the universe gives us is pain. Having the experience of seeking love, feeling love, perhaps getting love, and then losing love ... we have all had that. The pain is unbearable. I remember after my first boyfriend ended the relationship that I would walk around with pain in my chest. My heart was literally aching.

 

But with pain comes reflection and with reflection comes growth.

 

You reflect on what was right and what was wrong, you see your own mistakes, you refine what you want in a partner. And you mature. Maturity to me is probably what is called "settling" to you. To me, it is about growing up, understanding who you really are, and looking for someone who can walk forward with you on a parallel path.

 

After my first breakup, I read lots of relationship books. Most talked about how to attract a man. Be in shape, of course, and dress well. Moreso, they would say things like be independent, spend time with your girlfriends, have a full life, volunteer and give back to the community, build up your career, love yourself, be a loving person to people around you. Whaaa? What does that have to do with finding Mr. Tall, Dark and Handsome? Everything.

 

Learning how to give love to a partner stems from learning how to give love to yourself and to be a loving person in this world. I suspect that is part of the reason shy people or people with social anxiety might struggle to find relationships. Rich and wonderful inner life that is shut off from the world. Love teaches us how to open up.

 

People often view falling in love as the mechanism for opening up and being happy. Niet. You have to learn to be a complete, whole, happy, compassionate person first (in my own experience) to find HEALTHY LOVE AND KEEP IT.

 

My favorite example is a super sweet guy I know - married with three kids. Great guy. Well 10 years ago, he was 'kinda' on recreational drugs, not in school, and a shallow, user of women. Among other lessons, heartbreak taught him that he needed to clean up his life. He got involved in the church and started volunteering to help recovering drug addicts. It was in church he met his future wife. This woman is cute but certainly is not the looker he used to require. Did he settle with her? Absolutely not! He found someone who compliments and completes his life mission to serve God through service. And you see him with his kids ... such a loving dad. Having kids has matured him even more.

 

I think it's the struggle to find love that teaches us how to be worthy of it and to appreciate it.

[MattW]

I think this is part of your problem. I know, that seems counter-intuitive to suggest this is a negative instead of a positive, but it probably reflects a bigger mentality that has you thinking you'll die alone at the ripe old age of 23.

 

Maybe you're quite simply trying too hard. Or trying too earnestly. Have some fun, dude.

 

Well, what do you suggest, then? It's not... easy to just completely change how you look at women (and people, in general). I don't look at things that way, I never have, and honestly, it doesn't make much sense to me.

 

Besides, isn't "fun" subjective? "Fun", to me, as it relates to dating, is finding a special someone you can go anywhere and do anything with, and being happy together, as well as growing together.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Maturity to me is probably what is called "settling" to you.

 

Since you don't know the OP you can't really make that statement. The OP has clearly stated he doesn't go in for looks so much as wanting to feel a real connection. He actually does sound quite mature in his outlook, not wanting to date someone for the sake of dating. I believe his notion of settling has to do with being with someone who he doesn't connect as well with but being with someone just to have someone. That is how many people settle...they are tired of being alone so they find someone who is not ideal but will do. Settling has nothing to do with maturity...maturity is a completely different matter. Settling has to do with not finding the right connection so just taking someone for the sake of getting married and having a family or whatever other reason the person has to be coupled up.

[lilylilylily]

So do you find dating exciting at all?

 

Or is it a chore to do it and 'dig' through girls trying to find someone compatible (even though you think it's unlikely you'll find anyone)?

 

Perhaps you've resigned yourself to believing no one is a good match for you, so you're basically subconsciously resisting girls when really there are opportunities to discover them everywhere...

[MattW]

So do you find dating exciting at all?

 

Or is it a chore to do it and 'dig' through girls trying to find someone compatible (even though you think it's unlikely you'll find anyone)?

 

Well, again, my "technique" is a bit obtuse. It seems to be that a "normal" person sees "dating" as a thing you do with several different people in order to get to know them and determine if you want to take things further. For me, I like to "scout out" people beforehand. I want to know what they're like, and a decent amount about them and how we get along, before I decide if I want to spend time with them alone. To me, "dating" is that one-on-one time you spend with someone that you like a lot. In that regard, if I had found someone I liked a lot and got along with well, then yes, "dating" them would be fun and exciting.

 

The "normal" perception of "dating" is what seems like a chore, to me. I don't want to ask out girls I barely know and use "dating" to get to know them and see how we get along, because again, that sounds like a chore.

 

Basically, I want to find "someone special" and spend time with them; I don't want to spend one-on-one time with girls I barely know and hope I connect with one of them.