Is this what "settling" means?

[honeyness]

You sound like a classic commitment-phobe. Wanting what you cannot have and not being attracted to people who are emotionally available to have an emotional bond with you. This may be due to some other issues that are affecting your emotional availability for woman who are interested in you

[Crazyaboutdogs]

You sound like a classic commitment-phobe. Wanting what you cannot have and not being attracted to people who are emotionally available to have an emotional bond with you. This may be due to some other issues that are affecting your emotional availability for woman who are interested in you

 

I am not sure how you can draw this conclusion based on one example from when he was in high school. Everyone's life is littered with one-sided interest be it the other person interested in them or their interest in someone. I have seen many posts on ENA from people who were not interested in dating someone who liked them; people who liked someone who wasn't interested in them; and rebounders who took advantage and dated someone who carried a torch for them, in order to be distracted from the pain of a break up.

[Ms Darcy]

So, I think if my mind can change so drastically about a person over time, I don't see why it's so "unlikely" for other people to have the same kind of realizations. It seems like a pretty sad, depressing thought to think that we're all pretty much "set in stone" as something or other to someone shortly after meeting them... If that's the case, then no one will ever be attracted to me because I don't make great first impressions and I stay reserved around people until I've gotten to know them better.

 

And everything comes back to the girl. You are just not over this girl. So much so that you do not even see her rejection for what it is. But YOUR own words here are that you cannot see why her opinion of you cannot change because YOU want her right now. You would not think of changing your mindset or opening to a new person because you have one_itis. It is a little disingenuous Matt. You are doing the typical lamenting of someone who wants someone who does not want him back.

[MattW]

And everything comes back to the girl. You are just not over this girl. So much so that you do not even see her rejection for what it is. But YOUR own words here are that you cannot see why her opinion of you cannot change because YOU want her right now. You would not think of changing your mindset or opening to a new person because you have one_itis. It is a little disingenuous Matt. You are doing the typical lamenting of someone who wants someone who does not want him back.

 

I don't deny that I still have lingering feelings for her, but I understand that it's never going to "happen". It's just hard, because she's still present in my life in some capacity, and when I'm around her, I can't help but feel it. It's hard not to, really. I know I read too much into things, but I dunno, sometimes it still feels like she's sending me some kind of signals, just with the things she says or does. Again, I know it's probably all my imagination, I just wish I could "read" her and/ or understand her better. In a way, I just... I wish I knew what her honest-to-god opinion of me, in general was. Bad or good, I just wish I could know what she really thinks of me. I know that's probably silly...

 

I dunno. I mean, I can't imagine it'll go away completely until she's not present in my life at all, and I don't know how long that could be. Could be weeks, could be months.

[MattW]

And before anyone goes into it, I know the whole "No means no" thing, and I'm not trying to say you're wrong and I'm right, but all you have about this situation are my words. You don't know me, you don't know her, you don't see how we interact, you don't hear our tones or see our body language towards each other. So how can you say with certainty that there's no potential for things to change in the future? Again, I don't expect things to change between us, and it's highly, highly unlikely I'll ever "make a move" with her again. Honestly, I wish I had someone closer to the situation that I could talk to about it. It's too hard to paint a picture of how things are with someone over the Internet, and it's too hard to properly asses how said situation is over the Internet, as well.

 

Is she constantly in the back of my mind? Yes. Thus far, I haven't figured out how to get her out of there. She's in there pretty good. And every time I see her, and spend time with her, she gets more and more "stuck" in there. But I have to spend some time with her, because we work together, and besides, I want to spend time with her.

 

I... don't really know what to say. It's a sad, disappointing position to be in. I know it's kinda pathetic to allow yourself to be hung up on someone, but that's another pitfall of my "dating method", I suppose. When I decide I'm attracted to someone, I let myself fall for them pretty hard. I just wish so badly that things could be different with this girl, that they could change in the future. Again, I know how that makes me come off on here. But, like I said, I think once she has no presence in my life anymore, it'll probably start to get easier. I'm sure it'll still take me some time after that, but eventually I'll properly "move on".

 

Granted, I'll probably also fall back into the "I'm doomed to be alone forever" mindset for a while, until I meet the next girl I fall for, get rejected by her, too, and repeat the cycle all over again.

[Ms Darcy]

You have no business thinking about whether you will be alone for life. That's just your longing for one girl talking. Focus on moving on from this girl.

[MattW]

Well, like I said, I feel like my other option will end up being settling with someone I don't actually feel connected to. It sucks, because with this girl now, we're still connecting over new things all the time. We even have similar opinions on major topics; for instance, neither of us want kids. It just seems unlikely to me that I'll find someone I connect with on all those same levels, big and small.

[DanDee]

^ You can't make that assumption when you don't get to know many girls. Seriously, you don't think you'll ever make a connection with someone on your next 50+ years on earth?

[paradisa]

At some point in time you didn't know this girl - right? And somehow you found her and began to like her! If it happened then, it definitely can happen again! But your attitude about the situation needs to change - if you believe you will never connect with another girl again, you won't. Not because it couldn't happen but because you won't let it happen.

 

You need to move on from this girl - you want a relationship, she only wants a friendship. Whatever connections you're feeling, she is not feeling the same thing. The best thing you can do is move on.

[lilylilylily]

Well, like I said, I feel like my other option will end up being settling with someone I don't actually feel connected to. It sucks, because with this girl now, we're still connecting over new things all the time. We even have similar opinions on major topics; for instance, neither of us want kids. It just seems unlikely to me that I'll find someone I connect with on all those same levels, big and small.

 

Think about this for a minute.

 

The only person you seem to be 'connecting to' at all, is a girl you can never have. You're happy to keep on making these so-called significant 'connections' because at the end of it all, you can blame her for rejecting you and make yourself feel even more doomed/alone.

 

Do you see what I'm getting at?

 

You just don't like the idea of being able to connect to a new person, for whatever reason... you're stubbornly holding onto this one girl and you've made up your mind about it already. I'd say throw in the towel on trying to find love and keep on making these 'connections' with this girl who will never be more than friends with you. Thats all you seem to want to do.

[MattW]

^ You can't make that assumption when you don't get to know many girls. Seriously, you don't think you'll ever make a connection with someone on your next 50+ years on earth?

 

At some point in time you didn't know this girl - right? And somehow you found her and began to like her! If it happened then, it definitely can happen again! But your attitude about the situation needs to change - if you believe you will never connect with another girl again, you won't. Not because it couldn't happen but because you won't let it happen.

 

Whether or not there's another girl out there for me is irrelevant. There may very well be another girl out there for me somewhere that would be perfect for me, but there's no guarantee I'll ever find her (even if I looked as hard as I possibly could), and there's no guarantee she'll want to be with me. Heck, you could hide some precious item somewhere out in the world, and I could spend years hunting it down, and I'd still probably never find it.

 

The fact is, I'm not... normal. In a lot of aspects. My methods are a bit obtuse, the way I become attracted to a girl is abnormal, nothing about the way my mind works seems to make sense. How the heck can I ever hope to find a nice, happy relationship with someone that's great for me when I have such an odd mind and such an odd perspective on things?

 

Think about this for a minute.

 

The only person you seem to be 'connecting to' at all, is a girl you can never have. You're happy to keep on making these so-called significant 'connections' because at the end of it all, you can blame her for rejecting you and make yourself feel even more doomed/alone.

 

Do you see what I'm getting at?

 

You just don't like the idea of being able to connect to a new person, for whatever reason... you're stubbornly holding onto this one girl and you've made up your mind about it already. I'd say throw in the towel on trying to find love and keep on making these 'connections' with this girl who will never be more than friends with you. Thats all you seem to want to do.

 

Connecting to new people takes time, though. I'm only just starting to develop some kind of social life (and I'm not even "off the ground" with that, yet), and I haven't even gotten to a point where I'm meeting new people regularly.

 

The thing I'm having trouble with, with this girl, is that she has so many of the qualities I've always wanted in a "dream girl". Heck, if you'd have asked me two years ago to describe the qualities, traits, etc. of my most ideal girlfriend, it would've ended up coming out pretty much exactly like how this girl is. So it's almost heartbreaking to have this girl right in front of me that is such a great match for me, and to know that I can never have that with her for one reason or another.

 

I just can't seem to get rid of these "feelings" I have for her. I mean, on most days where I don't see her (which is more often than not), it's not too bad, and I can relax and not think about it much. But when I see her again, that all goes out the window when we start talking, goofing around, and having a good time together, and suddenly my mind is thinking "God, why couldn't this have worked out? We're so awesome together!". And I can't just not see her... We work at the same place, and I typically see her about once a week, sometimes a little more, sometimes a little less, and now she's starting to become a part of my social life outside of work.

 

I have a major inner conflict going on, because there's no one I get along better with, and heck, there's no one I trust more, than her, in my life. So, I don't want her to be gone and out of my life completely. But every time I see her, those "feelings" become overwhelming again, and it brings me down a lot to know that I can never be with her.

[lilylilylily]

You're hung up over this girl, and looking for more and more reasons to say she is perfect for you.

 

How can she be the perfect girl, if she doesn't want YOU?

How can you even have a 'dream girl' when you haven't even experienced enough relationships to have decided whats right for you?

 

Of course you're never going to find another 'ideal great match' because you've pretty much decided it's only going to be this One and Only girl. And you'll forever be measuring up future women against her, and of course they're NEVER going to live up to your idealisations. You've created this ideal vision in your head that doesn't exist, but you like it because it's a fantasy you can shape to your own desires.

[DanDee]

I just get the impression that you're afraid of dating and scared of getting out there and having to meet women. Therefore when you met this girl you deem perfect, it meant you don't have to get out there because she is your sanctuary. You just blame the way your mind works, using reasons for not having to explore anymore. I could be way off base but as I say, it's the impression I get.

[MattW]

How can you even have a 'dream girl' when you haven't even experienced enough relationships to have decided whats right for you?

 

Of course you're never going to find another 'ideal great match' because you've pretty much decided it's only going to be this One and Only girl. And you'll forever be measuring up future women against her, and of course they're NEVER going to live up to your idealisations. You've created this ideal vision in your head that doesn't exist, but you like it because it's a fantasy you can shape to your own desires.

 

Eh. I don't buy into the idea that I need to "experience relationships" in order to know what I want. I feel like I know what I "want". Again, I'm not trying to say that this girl is the only girl I could ever possibly be with. What I'm saying is, what are the odds that such a great match for me would just fall into my life? This felt like a "once in a lifetime" kind of thing, and now that I'm in the aftermath of it not working out, it's just so sad to see that such a great girl randomly got thrown into my life, but I don't get to be with her. It's like winning the big lottery jackpot, only to lose the ticket and not get your winnings; you could keep playing the lottery again and again, and you might luck out and win again, but what are the odds of that happening?

 

Like I said, I'm weird and abnormal in a lot of different ways. Because of my quirks, my beliefs and values, and whatnot, I don't have the same opportunities as "normal" people do. I'm an oddity. True, this girl may not be the "only" girl out there for me, but all things considered, I'm not feeling particularly confident about my "odds" for finding a great partner that I'll truly be happy with. Why should I? What is there to make me believe that I have any hope of finding that at all?

[llw11]

I think you guys are too hard on him, lol.

 

Matt, at this point, you really need to let her go. I know you work with her, but try to limit contact and conversation as much as possible. Use email instead of talking if you have to. She might think it's weird or immature or whatever but who cares. This is what you need to do to get past her. Continuing to be friends is just torture to yourself. For two people to have a relationship of any kind, you have to want the same things...otherwise it won't end well for you. Letting go of her and getting her out of your life is the absolute first thing you need to do before worrying about whether anybody else likes you, or you like anybody else or if you're going to be alone forever.

[BrianH46]

This girl is not right for your because she is not interested in you. You had a winning lottery ticket and lost it? No, you just barely got your first losing lottery ticket. Coming from a guy who has suffered massive heart break from multiple one way love interests, trust me when I say it gets better if you allow it to be so. Your way of thinking is not unique it is just naive and most people grow out of it, you want a wife kids and a family? What are you willing to do in order to obtain these goals of happiness?

[Johnny Utah]

Matt, your way of thinking is not unique nor is it not "normal". You are a version of me turned up a few notches.

 

You clearly are stuck ga ga over her. I've been there. You see her every day and have her on your mind. I am and was in that situation during the last 7 months. The only difference is that I am older and I haven't built up this girl to be my perfect one like you have.

 

They come and go. Everybody who says "go date" essentially we all mean that your beliefs and opinions will change with experience and life.

 

Mine did. I can't believe how close you are to me when I read your posts. I never dated much. I look at girls and instantly know whether or not I liked them. I looked for a connection. The girls could be obviously attracted to me or secretly attracted to me, no matter. I picked up the signs but if I wasn't connected, I didn't try. Nonchalant like you. You just like to "know" them better. Me, I made the judgement right away based on attraction (physical and emotional).

 

 

But like I said before. It is amazing how we change. Girls that date the stupid beefy idiots in their 20's end up marring the emotionally and secure guys in their later 20's and early 30's. People do grow up.

 

Try not to be so negative and realize that your viewpoint is correct, only it may be clouded by your over rationalization and feeling of hopelessness caused by this girl.

[The_Seeker]

Some girls. just wanted to correct that. Not every single girl date stupid beefy idiots in their 20's because I certainly haven't.

[MattW]

This girl is not right for your because she is not interested in you.

 

Well, of course mutual interest is required in order for a relationship to occur. But putting that aside, I just feel like it doesn't add up. I'm not saying she should be interested in me, but I just don't understand why she isn't, and for whatever reason, I really really wish I knew what that reason is. Mutual interest aside, we seem like such a good fit. I just wish I knew what it is that stopped it from actually happening. That's all.

 

What are you willing to do in order to obtain these goals of happiness?

 

Eh. I don't know anymore. There doesn't seem to be a "right" answer. It seems like it's lose-lose. If you wait around and don't find "it", it's because you didn't look for it hard enough. If you go out and look for it and still don't find "it", it's because you have to be "patient" for it to "find you". And so on, and so forth. There's plenty of other circular "arguments" like this. At the end of the day, it's all just smoke to blow in peoples' faces, because none of us can ever really know what, if anything, is out there for us.

 

Look, I'm not trying to be cynical and pessimistic "just because". In my almost 24 years of life, I've never seen any kind of sliver of "hope" for myself. Not just for this dating stuff, but for finding happiness in general. I've never come accross anything that should lead me to believe that there's happiness out there for me somewhere, and specifically as it pertains to this topic, that there's a special lady out there I can share my life with and be truly happy with. Without that "sliver of hope", how can I possibly be optimistic? How can I convince myself that happiness is out there for me, that there is somebody special out there for me?

[BrianH46]

Because life is difficult and everything worth anything is difficult to obtain. I don't know it it's the universe or God or pure coincidence but I have noticed when life throws sh*t at people, the ones who maintain a positive outlook and keep moving are the happy ones. I am very fortunate to say that I have had sh*t thrown at me again and again but somehow against all odds I end up better then before.

 

The girl that brought me to this site was the love of my life and yet now I am with someone who compliments me so much better and makes me indescribably happy and yet I know more sh*t is coming my way when I leave our state for med school... I'm scared as hell when that day comes and every time it's mentioned she starts crying but still you keep your head high and always hold on to the positives about every situation you are given.

[goodfoot]

The same way you can be upset that someone you thought was a good match wasn't, you may be pleasantly surprise to have a good time when you didn't expect it.

[MattW]

Because life is difficult and everything worth anything is difficult to obtain. I don't know it it's the universe or God or pure coincidence but I have noticed when life throws sh*t at people, the ones who maintain a positive outlook and keep moving are the happy ones. I am very fortunate to say that I have had sh*t thrown at me again and again but somehow against all odds I end up better then before.

 

I'm not asking why I should "be positive" and "push ahead"; what I'm asking (and this is much more difficult to give a tangible answer to, I imagine) is how to do that. I don't mean this in a dramatic "woe is me" kind of way, but pretty much my whole life has been nothing but the powers that be "throwing ****" at me. I never seem to catch a break, and nothing I do ever really seems to pay off. So how am I supposed to convince myself that there's still some "light at the end of the tunnel" for me? The universe has never given me a good, valid reason to be optimistic about anything, and at this point, I don't even know how to be optimistic and "think positive" even if I wanted to.

[Johnny Utah]

I would like to dispel the notion that "happiness" is a goal or something sought after.

 

It isn't. No matter what people say or what the unwritten rules are. Babies and children are born happy. We actually learn NOT to be happy. Happiness isn't a goal. It is within ourselves if we accept our unconditioned self. Our self with out judgment. Just be. That is happiness. It is more of a choice than we realize.

 

This whole "the universe owes me" is hogwash. I believe in karma but I won't wait for it to happen. I have a choice and decision in my destiny. When it happens, it will be the right fit.

 

I feel like some of this advice is just flying over your head. You may need to get more perspective from your 24 years.

[BrianH46]

I'm not asking why I should "be positive" and "push ahead"; what I'm asking (and this is much more difficult to give a tangible answer to, I imagine) is how to do that. I don't mean this in a dramatic "woe is me" kind of way, but pretty much my whole life has been nothing but the powers that be "throwing ****" at me. I never seem to catch a break, and nothing I do ever really seems to pay off. So how am I supposed to convince myself that there's still some "light at the end of the tunnel" for me? The universe has never given me a good, valid reason to be optimistic about anything, and at this point, I don't even know how to be optimistic and "think positive" even if I wanted to.

 

Like I said in my post, always hold your head high and try you best to see the good in whatever comes your way no matter how bad it gets.

[MattW]

I would like to dispel the notion that "happiness" is a goal or something sought after.

 

Well, you're just sort of taking the term at face value. I'm not saying that's what happiness is, I'm just using that term for lack of better word. It's easier to just use that word than to come up with a way to say "getting the things I want out of life".

 

This whole "the universe owes me" is hogwash. I believe in karma but I won't wait for it to happen. I have a choice and decision in my destiny. When it happens, it will be the right fit.

 

Don't mistake what I said for "the universe owes me". I'm not saying I'm "owed" anything. All I'm saying is that the universe never seems to give me a reason to believe that things can get better for me. I know life, in general, isn't "easy", but it seems like for me, it's always "lows" and few (if any) "highs". Like I said before, nothing I do ever really seems to pay off for me in the end. So, it's just hard to be "optimistic" and "positive" when the universe hasn't given me any sliver of hope at all for myself.

 

I feel like some of this advice is just flying over your head. You may need to get more perspective from your 24 years.

 

I don't follow. How do I "get more perspective"?