Is this what "settling" means?

[MattW]

There would be no dealbreakers? What if she has a drug problem, doesn't shower, doesn't seem that smart or has different morals? Also, if there would be no one currently taking interest in you when you hit 40, would you start asking out girls randomly until you found someone who liked you? Would there be some criteria or would you ask teenagers, middle age women and seniors indiscriminately? If you would have criteria, what would it be?

 

I don't know. There's so many different factors involved there, that it's difficult to say one way or another. Like I said, if I can't find someone I'd REALLY want to be with by the time I'm 40, chances are, I'd settle for the first girl that gives me the time of day, regardless of any of that stuff.

 

I think that is the answer to your question. Dating doesn't have to mean asking out women randomly just because attraction takes time for you. You still know what you want in a woman and with that basis you can ask women out. I don't know what traits your dream girl would have to have but let's it's friendliness and intelligence. I think you will get an idea of a girl's level of friendliness and intelligence after a few interactions, so if she seems friendly and intelligent you can ask her out and see if things can develop.

 

Okay. But I feel like some of the important things to me are a bit "rare". For instance, sense of humor is a HUGE thing for me (not the only thing, obviously, but a big one), because I need to be with someone where we can make each other smile and laugh. I find, however, that a lot of girls either don't get my sense of humor at all, or they understand it but don't find it as funny as I do. See what I'm saying?

[Wayfara]

I don't know. There's so many different factors involved there, that it's difficult to say one way or another. Like I said, if I can't find someone I'd REALLY want to be with by the time I'm 40, chances are, I'd settle for the first girl that gives me the time of day, regardless of any of that stuff.

 

Aha, I would have thought you would have some criteria that you could use in dating too. Anyway, if you would willing to settle for anyone when you hit 40 dating shouldn't feel that terrible in comparison in my eyes as you are considering the more awful option. As I understand you have never been on a date yet, you could try to go on one just to see how it is like, that shouldn't be that much of a chore, no? Maybe not now, but when you are over your current crush.

 

Okay. But I feel like some of the important things to me are a bit "rare". For instance, sense of humor is a HUGE thing for me (not the only thing, obviously, but a big one), because I need to be with someone where we can make each other smile and laugh. I find, however, that a lot of girls either don't get my sense of humor at all, or they understand it but don't find it as funny as I do. See what I'm saying?

 

I hear you, humor can be tricky. I think the best advice I can give you is trying to have an open mind. Putting myself as an example I notice my humor gets colored by the person I am with and their humor get affected by mine too, so while you might not find someone who gets your jokes as she does you might find someone who gets your jokes in a different way, in a way that this girl doesn't, and your humor will evolve with the new girl and create new inside jokes just for the two of you. Obviously with some girls you will never mesh with on the humor plane but those are not your target.

 

Might I ask what kind of humor you have? Did you and your crush get each others jokes right away? And is she the only girl that has ever got your jokes?

[MattW]

Might I ask what kind of humor you have? Did you and your crush get each others jokes right away? And is she the only girl that has ever got your jokes?

 

Tough to put into words. If I had to describe it, it's very much focused on sarcasm, witty observations, etc. That's the closest way I can describe it. I would say we hit it off, humor-wise, pretty quickly once we started joking around with each other. We're both very sarcastic people (though neither of us are mean-spirited with it, and while we may tease each other and other people, it's always in good fun). I... can't particularly recall another girl that's "gotten" my humor, that I can think of. I have to "modify" it and even "dumb it down" for a lot of other people, at which point, it often loses the original humor I saw in it in the first place.

[Wayfara]

Tough to put into words. If I had to describe it, it's very much focused on sarcasm, witty observations, etc. That's the closest way I can describe it. I would say we hit it off, humor-wise, pretty quickly once we started joking around with each other. We're both very sarcastic people (though neither of us are mean-spirited with it, and while we may tease each other and other people, it's always in good fun). I... can't particularly recall another girl that's "gotten" my humor, that I can think of. I have to "modify" it and even "dumb it down" for a lot of other people, at which point, it often loses the original humor I saw in it in the first place.

 

I like teasing people too (in a nice way), people say I have a silly dark humor. Not everyone get it and think I'm serious when I'm not which can have comical consequences. I'm happy most of my friends understand it though which probably is why they are my friends. I think it is like that for most people, that the majority don't get them, people are individuals with so varying interests and experiences. The thing is that the percentage of people getting you doesn't have to be that big for you to get friends and the number of friends might add up even with a small percentage if you seek out a larger pool of people. I am certain there are sarcastic girls out there but you might not have met them yet as you say you don't have that much of a social circle. So expand your circles but also try to have an open mind, humor isn't the only way to have fun, one of the funniest person I know never jokes, he just manages to be funny anyway, without intending it.

 

Did the the girl you had a crush on before this one have a sarcastic humor too?

[MattW]

Did the the girl you had a crush on before this one have a sarcastic humor too?

 

Not from what I could tell, but again, I liked her for the wrong reasons. She was an old classmate I went to grade school with for many years, and during that entire time, as a kid, I was head over heels for her. When we got back in touch a few years ago, those old feelings are all I was seeing. I wasn't looking at her for who she was or had become, I was only remembering how enamored with her I was as a kid.

[Wayfara]

Not from what I could tell, but again, I liked her for the wrong reasons. She was an old classmate I went to grade school with for many years, and during that entire time, as a kid, I was head over heels for her. When we got back in touch a few years ago, those old feelings are all I was seeing. I wasn't looking at her for who she was or had become, I was only remembering how enamored with her I was as a kid.

 

And what about the third girl, did she have sarcastic humor?

 

It is good to have an idea of what you want, otherwise you would run the risk of getting together with women indiscriminately, but right now I think you see the woman of your dreams with too much detail, she is probably an exact copy of your current crush. As long as you are enamored with your current crush every trait she has will probably seem invaluable to you in what you want in a woman. It is unlikely you will find someone with her exact set of traits but I also think your next crush will have some quality traits that your current crush lack.

 

Sarcastic humor might be a must for you, and I don't think that's impossible to find as long as you are not too picky with the other traits, but if you would find yourself enjoying the company of a woman despite her lack of sarcastic humor it might be worth to give her a shot and have an open mind.

[zep]

wait wait wait are you saying you are no longer "young" at 23? And that because nothing has compared to the intensity of you teenager first love you are "settling" and done with love?

 

ugh no. just give it time. my god, you are only 23!!

[MattW]

wait wait wait are you saying you are no longer "young" at 23? And that because nothing has compared to the intensity of you teenager first love you are "settling" and done with love?

 

ugh no. just give it time. my god, you are only 23!!

 

No, what I'm saying is, at 23 (almost 24), I've never dated at all, and in fact, there's only ever been a handful of girls I've been "attracted" to enough to want to date, and it was apparently never mutual with any of those girls.

 

So, it seems to me that the things I want in a girl are so very hard to find, that the chances of me finding a girl I'm actually attracted to, that's also attracted to me, seems quite slim.

 

This topic is basically about looking ahead to the future, at my "romantic prospects". At this point, I find it difficult to believe there's a girl out there that I'll have that mutual "attraction" with. And while 23/ 24 may not be "old", I'm not exactly getting any younger, and the years are passing me by rather quickly. So, I feel like, by the time I turn 40, I'll have two options: 1) remain single for the rest of my life, or 2) find a girl that's interested in me (even if I'm not attracted to her) and stick with her so I at least have someone.

[galaxy71]

Your third option is to listen to our advice and change your strategy so that you can date a woman that you like. Your strategy isn't working because you are not approaching enough women, and your looks and personality are not at a point where you can consistently attract women who meet your standards so that you don't have to play the numbers game. I know very little about your strategies to become your best self. I remember a post where you said that you did not think that working on your appearance was that important because there were guys who were similar to you who had girlfriends. You're pudgy. You're shy. You come up with excuses and don't listen when we offer advice. What makes you think that you are in the same league as the girls that you are attracted to? Since you keep on mentioning your high standards, I can only imaginge that you are attracted to gorgeous women who are smart, charming, and have a heart of gold. She must have a four-year degree and has dreams of starting an orphanage in Uganda. Are you in the same league as her? Girls who are that attractive have high standards themselves because they can. I don't understand why you keep on talking about relationships. Focus on attracting women first. Once you got that handled, then focus on finding a good relationship partner.

[MattW]

Your third option is to listen to our advice and change your strategy so that you can date a woman that you like.

 

See, it's not that I'm "fighting" anyone's advice just to be difficult. For me, it takes a lot of time to develop an attraction for a girl (most times, it never happens at all), and unless I'm attracted to a girl, I feel no motivation to ask her out. See what I'm saying? For the average guy, it's enough to see a pretty girl in passing and want to date her. That doesn't work for me. I don't even pay attention to that.

 

What makes you think that you are in the same league as the girls that you are attracted to? Since you keep on mentioning your high standards, I can only imaginge that you are attracted to gorgeous women who are smart, charming, and have a heart of gold. She must have a four-year degree and has dreams of starting an orphanage in Uganda. Are you in the same league as her? Girls who are that attractive have high standards themselves because they can.

 

That's not really accurate, though. It's not like I'm some losery troll of a person chasing after super models, or whatever. What's most important to me is how our personalities "connect". For the most part, for roughly 99% of girls I've encountered in my time, our personalities don't "connect" in a more than friends kind of way. I wouldn't so much say my "standards" are "high", it's just that there are certain qualities I'm attracted to that I just can't seem to find in most girls.

[blueidealist24]

Have you considered the fact that you might be asexual or close to it? Since earlier, or in another thread, can't remember where, you said you never felt an initial attraction from just SEEING a beautiful girl. My attraction to men seems along the same lines as your attraction to women, and I have a very low sex drive/am pretty indifferent to sexual things.

[MattW]

Have you considered the fact that you might be asexual or close to it? Since earlier, or in another thread, can't remember where, you said you never felt an initial attraction from just SEEING a beautiful girl. My attraction to men seems along the same lines as your attraction to women, and I have a very low sex drive/am pretty indifferent to sexual things.

 

I dunno, I mean, I'd say my "sex drive" is about normal, as odd as that may sound. I... do think about sex, and whatnot, but I don't really "sexualize" the girls I come into contact with and/ or interact with. When I "fantasize", the girls in question are either ones I've completely made up (and not "perfect fantasy" girls, either, in fact, the ones I make up are quite average), and women I'm not attracted to as anything more than a sexual fantasy. On the rare occasion I develop feelings for a girl, I do "fantasize" about her, too, but that comes after I fall for her. In other words, it sort of works backwards for me; I become attracted for non-physical things, but once I develop that attraction, I start looking at the physical/ "sexual" side of things, too.

 

It's... a bit confusing, I know, and trust me, it's not any easier actually being me. @_@

[Wayfara]

I think a part of the problem is that you view things black and white. There is a middle ground between waiting to meet your current crush's twin in personality and settling for the first girl who says yes when you are 40.

 

There is nothing wrong with being extremely selective as long as one is happy with consequences of it but to you being picky makes you feel dooomed, that is why I think you should try to widen your horizons. Maybe you see settling when you are 40 as widening your horizons but that is going to the other extreme in my opinion.

 

It is said one should do what makes one happy and you want to find someone but think your wants in a girl are too rare. As you cannot clone your crush the only thing you can do is to try to have an open mind about your wants. Having an open mind doesn't mean asking out girls randomly without basis, it means taking a step back asking yourself why that want is important to you. For example you said you want a sarcastic girl because you want someone where you would be able to make each other laugh. Maybe it is the later part that is the important part, that you can make each other laugh, how you make each other laugh might be less so.