It's sometimes hard to date someone who knows EVERYTHING about you.

[Fudgie]

I've never been in a relationship before where someone knew everything about me. And I mean EVERYTHING. I mean, I was with my last ex for a long time but even he didn't know everything. There were some things I just didn't talk about, and I know there were many things that he didn't talk about. You know, things in the past that weren't really that important now or even deep-seated issues. I got a sense of them from him but we didn't explicitly discuss it.

 

I love my boyfriend. We live together now. We were friends first for years and he was a confidante to me. So I've spilled basically everything to him over years, everything in my life And he to me. Everything....EVERYTHING. At first I was like "THIS IS AWESOME HE KNOWS EVERYTHING ABOUT ME." I still think it's good but maybe not so much.

 

Lately it's been getting a little on my nerves. We don't really fight but when we argue it's usually about something that relates to a deep-seated issue I have and he'll just bring up all these points right away about how "You do x, y, z because of blah-blah-blah and you know it because all of your therapists said it...This is a life pattern for you. You need to work on this." and it just hits me in the gut and I need to go outside to clear my head. The thing is, I know he's RIGHT, I'm just sick of him always being right, always knowing what to say before I say it, always knowing what I'm going to say or do next.

 

He'll bring up things from my past that are painful to me...he doesn't do it to be mean or to hurt me, but he's relating it to something that we're talking about (usually regarding me) and sometimes I think "goddarn it I really wish I didn't tell you this". I'll tell him not to bring it up and he says "Well this is relevant to what we are talking about" and I can't really argue because it is...

 

He anticipates all of my reactions to every single thing and it's kind of eerie. I came home and he told me something and what he told me made me angry (not at him, something else) and I guess I scrunched my face and was about to say something in anger and he was like "I know what you're going to say. You're going to say 'this and this' and how I should do blah-blah..." so I just shut my mouth because that was, in fact, what I was going to say.

 

God, am I really that predictable?

 

What do you think of this situation? Do you think it's romantic or awful to be with someone who can practically read your mind?

 

I know him well too and his deep-seated issues, but they haven't been apparent lately so I haven't brought them up at all. He used to be insecure and clingy and just up my bum. He's not now. We both work, I go to school part time, and we both actually have a social life so things are very different but definitely better.

 

I guess I should not be complaining because I should have known what I was getting when I "signed up" for this, but still. I just sometimes wish I didn't tell him everything. I realize now that there is literally nothing he doesn't know about me and I don't really know how to handle that. I don't have any real "secrets" from him. I mean, we don't share passwords unless it's to Netflix or Hulu so he doesn't have that info and he doesn't know that I come onto ENA. That's it.

 

Okay I'll stop complaining now.

[Batya33]

I don't think the issue is that he knows you too well, but rather how he brings it up to you and when. You didn't sign up for that -I'm not saying he brings it up in the wrong way but if it is wrong for you or doesn't work for you then you need to talk to him about it. For example, I know stuff about my husband's childhood but it would annoy the heck out of him if during an argument I explained to him that his reactions were because of his upbringing (even though I thought so). On the other hand if we were calmly hanging out and it was on my mind later, I might approach it in a tactful way and ask him if it was ok if I shared with him an insight I had about his reactions during our argument.

 

I understand you believe he is not ill-intentioned but it might just need some tweaking as far as his timing or how he raises it -just a filtering issue. If he really wants to be helpful to you (as opposed to "right") then he'll be willing to work on that.

[DN]

Better that he gets it right than that he gets it wrong.

 

And don't expect him to mind-read as to when his comments are welcome and when they are not.

[Fudgie]

So how do I rectify this? I don't expect him to mind-read ever, because humans don't do that. I have told him not to bring up certain things but he does anyway because he sees them as "relevant" and beneficial for me to hear in certain conversations.

 

Batya, I think you hit the nail on the end. You bringing up your husband's childhood is a good example. N KNOWS it bothers me but he sees it as "necessary" to bring up. When I tell him no, he says that it's something I need to hear so I can understand the issue. And inside my mind I'm yelling "I KNOW WHAT THE ISSUE IS ALREADY WE BOTH KNOW WHAT THE ISSUE IS YOU DON'T HAVE TO SAY THIS PLEASE STOP". So telling him not to bring up certain things isn't very effective.

 

You're right, he's not malicious. I sometimes think he takes this weird "therapist" role with me. Esp since I am the one who gets more emotional over certain things and he just remains calm and then just breaks everything down into a talk and that's when he mentions things.

[becomingkate]

He'll bring up things from my past that are painful to me...he doesn't do it to be mean or to hurt me, but he's relating it to something that we're talking about (usually regarding me) and sometimes I think "goddarn it I really wish I didn't tell you this". I'll tell him not to bring it up and he says "Well this is relevant to what we are talking about" and I can't really argue because it is...

 

In a way, I'd be offended by this because it's almost like he's saying "I know you and I know you never change or adapt, so I can call you on it and feel better about myself."

 

I used to do this with my teenager - I would cut her off because I would anticipate what she was going to say, and counter with another point, and she'd get SO mad! She said it was like I didn't value her thoughts and feelings, so I am trying not to do it anymore.

 

I think you have a right to be upset.

 

You're right, he's not malicious. I sometimes think he takes this weird "therapist" role with me. Esp since I am the one who gets more emotional over certain things and he just remains calm and then just breaks everything down into a talk and that's when he mentions things.

 

If you tell him how upsetting it is and he continues to do it, it becomes malicious after awhile.

[Fudgie]

Yeah it is kinda bugging me...although he's not saying stuff like "Listen to me, you're a slob, you're this and that and you can't change"

 

It's more like...childhood stuff, rather than him pointing out my traits. He says "well, your dad this x/y/z, and your mom has done this, and then you associated this with that and now it's manifesting RIGHT NOW." or something like that.

 

I struggle with a lot of issues that came about from when I was 5-15. No joke, a LOT. That's where a lot of my personal problems lie. I'm trying to work on it. He knows this too. I just really wish he wouldn't reiterate it. I know he is trying to be helpful or whatnot but it makes me a bit angry.

 

I think he keeps bringing them up because YES, there are some things that I keep doing and I need to change, I admit that. But throwing the past in my face isn't going to cure me.

[DN]

If you bring this up you will have to basically tell him that you don't want to discuss personal things with him any more and ask him not to comment about anything. He can't 'un-know' all these things about you or pretend that he doesn't know them. To ask him to censor what he says simply won't work - that would inhibit his expressing what he says to the point of making it nugatory.

 

There is no way you can make a list of things he is not supposed to reference that will not have that effect.

[Fudgie]

DN,

 

I really don't want to send that message. It feels like this is an "all or nothing". Do you suggest I not bring this up and just learn to deal with it?

 

I suppose I could deal. I wish I could rectify this but if it results in that, then I guess I'm just going to have to deal.

[JA0371]

You say what he says isn't meant to hurt you...but doesn't it hurt you? In a way? It's almost like having your past thrown in your face, and that isn't fair either. Regardless of whether he's right about what he says, doesn't make it any better to do it. So maybe just be honest and tell him what you told us. It sounds like you have a solid enough relationship to do that.

[Fudgie]

Well, the thing is, I have told him. Albeit, I'm not ALWAYS consistent but I have told him a few times, when I start to remember certain painful things, then I start to cry and I tell him "I hate it when you bring up x,y,z. It makes me feel upset and hurt!"

 

He apologizes for hurting me and says he doesn't want to make me cry....BUT (big word here) there are issues at hand that tie into that past event and in order to correct them, I need to face past issues and deal with them accordingly.

 

I don't want to say too much here but let's say I used to have a very weird dynamic with my father for a long, long time. Certain painful events have happened in the past regarding that. He'll bring them as they relate to problems I have dealing with my family now. And they DO relate. I just don't want to hear them.

 

I go back and forth...maybe he's right and I do need "relive" in my own mind. But it's so painful in the moment that I don't give a crap about "progress", I just want him to stop talking about it.

[DN]

You say what he says isn't meant to hurt you...but doesn't it hurt you? In a way? It's almost like having your past thrown in your face, and that isn't fair either. Regardless of whether he's right about what he says, doesn't make it any better to do it. So maybe just be honest and tell him what you told us. It sounds like you have a solid enough relationship to do that.

I just don't see how he can realistically censor himself and still say something meaningful. In theory he could be asked but in practical terms it won't work.

 

After so many years of marriage, my wife and I know so much about each other, even from before we were married, that it would be impossible to talk about what concerns us and hide that knowledge or consciously censor it. It would be a false situation.

[Fudgie]

Yeah I don't even see how he could change to do it "tactfully" now that I think about it.

 

He's never rude or mean about it. He just is very calm and brings it up in a polite way. But it's because of the hurt and whatnot...that's what bothers me. Not his delivery.

 

The thing is, I could bring up all I want to to him and he doesn't care at all about his past. He's been abused a lot but he has completely separated out the emotion from it (from what I can tell) and is like "So what? My mom is a sociopath and a BAD PERSON and I won't talk to her" and he is able to talk a lot about his beatings, how his mother tried to kill him, dealing with CPS, beatings from other people...it doesn't really seem to outwardly effect him. SO he has no issue with ME bringing up stuff from his past. So maybe he figures I should do the same?

 

I'm the only one who can't deal with my own past.

[becomingkate]

DN,

 

I really don't want to send that message. It feels like this is an "all or nothing". Do you suggest I not bring this up and just learn to deal with it?

 

I suppose I could deal. I wish I could rectify this but if it results in that, then I guess I'm just going to have to deal.

 

 

I don't agree that you can't ask him to respect your feelings.

 

I went through something like this. My late husband drank himself to death, and my parents are alcoholics. I am hyper-vigilant about too much drinking, and I was (and still am) that way with my husband when I remarried. If I noticed that he was going through a bottle of vodka pretty fast, I might say something about it. In the beginning, he might say "I'm not Dale." or "I know you're paranoid about it because of blah blah blah and blah blah blah..." and that's when I'd lose it. I would say "If you know me so well then I'd expect you'd empathise with me, not turn it around on me."

 

Your boyfriend, taking on the role of therapist, puts himself into a position where the relationship can become unbalanced.

 

On the therapist-client relationship:

 

Regardless of a therapist's intentions, the success of her work will primarily depend on her maturity and responsibility. This means that the therapist has to heal himself and his life: resolve disturbing emotions, build fulfilling relationships and create life which fulfils his emotional needs. If a therapist's needs are not fulfilled or if they are still immature ("false" needs compensating for the healthy ones, e.g. the need for power can be felt instead of healthy need for love, which the person feels can't be fulfilled) there is a big risk that he may attempt to satisfy them through his relationship with clients.

 

The risk is made bigger by the fact that often a therapist can fulfill such needs more easily in the relationship therapist-client than in other relationships. The basis of this relationship is that a therapist is in a position of authority, and a client trusts him sufficiently to accept him as authority. In such a relationship it is much easier to influence and manipulate the other person than in everyday relationships between people who perceive each other as equal in knowledge and abilities.

 

I'm not saying your BF thinks he's your therapist, just that there seems to be perception that you're not equal in knowledge and abilities.

[Firiel]

I think it's troubling that he is playing therapist with you. Even with the best of intentions, it can be dangerous for a significant other to plat that role in his partner's life. Therapy is set up the way it is for a reason. You don't go to your mom or your husband or your long-time family friend for therapy, even if she is a therapist. A therapist is supposed to be removed from the situation at hand because s/he will bring up painful memories and because it will be difficult and because such conversations shouldn't be happening in the heat of the moment. Obviously, support and help solving problems is one of the roles a SO plays. But this therapeutic side of that, that is he trying to help you get through issues by reconciling them to the past, can easily become damaging to the relationship.

 

I do think you can set up some guidelines that could help this problem. Here are some ideas...

 

-No bringing up your childhood in arguments

-If something is relevant, he can bring it up later, when things have cooled down

-If you say "Please drop this right now," he will drop it

-He can ask you to continue discussing the topic with your therapist (you mentioned you were in therapy, right? I think?)

 

Things like that. Certainly, those important issues and connections he is making should be explored to help you get over your past. He should not be the one guiding those conversations and explorations. He is too close to the situation. That is the role your therapist should be playing.

[Fudgie]

I think during some parts of our friendship before, when I was really down about things, he was more of that "therapist" role for me. It just happened naturally because that's a part of who he is as a person. But then it went away cause I felt better...didn't need it anymore I guess so then he went back to just being my friend. I know because he used to do it with other people. I've seen him do it actually. He used to play therapist, then get upset when the girls he talked to started to like him, he told me that they were mental and he didn't want to be with them after hearing about all their problems.

Yet he's with me. Confusing.

 

And yes, Firiel, I am in therapy. I have been seeing a weekly individual therapist for years. I talk to her about a lot of different things. He may be coming in for a future session when we talk about certain things, but that's far off.

 

I really don't want things to turn into a therapist role here. I'm afraid of that.

[DN]

I think you it really is a black or white situation.

 

for example: therapist or friend - try explaining the difference to him in a meaningful way that won't inhibit him from engaging with you. Any time you ask advice or talk about issue with someone they essentially become your therapist. As soon as you say - don't be my therapist (even, maybe especially, if you try to limit conversations to specific situations, scenarios, or one time but not another)

 

It's all very well to say he should do this or that, or you want him to say this but not that, depending on the situation, what happened, your mood mood, your feelings at the tie, etc. He will shut down altogether.

 

So, IMO, you have to decide - do you want to lose the one person you have to talk to who cares about you as a person rather than as a client.

[Fudgie]

So, IMO, you have to decide - do you want to lose the one person you have to talk to who cares about you as a person rather than as a client.

 

No, I don't want to lose him. I would do most anything to prevent that.

[DN]

I didn't mean lose him and the relationship. I meant lose him as a confidant.

[Fudgie]

Oh.

 

Well same answer then.

[DN]

It's a little like when people say "Sometimes, I don't want advice, I just want to vent. Why can't my partner understand that?"

 

Because they aren't mind-readers.

[Fudgie]

When I told my boyfriend all my stuff about my past years ago, I did want advice.

 

Now I am older and I don't really want it because I already know it. And I've told him that, to stop telling me certain things because it's painful. He doesn't.

 

I'm not expecting him to mind-read. I've always been upfront with people about what peeves me.

[DN]

When I told my boyfriend all my stuff about my past years ago, I did want advice.

 

Now I am older and I don't really want it because I already know it. And I've told him that, to stop telling me certain things because it's painful. He doesn't.

 

I'm not expecting him to mind-read. I've always been upfront with people about what peeves me.

Then don't talk to him about things that may reference that time in the past.

[Fudgie]

Then don't talk to him about things that may reference that time in the past.

 

I don't anymore. He brings it up because I'll DO a certain thing (make a comment about my dad/mom, be annoyed over something else) and then he is the one who relates it to the past. I don't bring up any of this stuff because it bothers me and I want it to sit in the past. There is nothing more to vent about the past. Yes, I have my own issues but I'm working on them with my therapist and don't really bring them up to him anymore, but he knows what they are.

[DN]

It is a difficult situation. If you can't live with him doing this you are just going to have to shut him down by ending the conversation and telling him why. But I think that will have consequences as I already outlined.

[Fudgie]

Yeah I don't want to have to deal with those consequences.

 

It looks like there is nothing I can do but deal. I can live with him doing this but it's bothering me and I had hoped that there was something I could do so I wouldn't have to. But I'll find a way to deal with it that doesn't involve shutting him down.