Do we have a right to forbid our significant other to meet other people?

[PrettyGood]

Do we have a right to forbid our significant other to meet other people of the opposite sex? I don't mean co-workers. I mean friends of the opposite sex, old crushes, even exes. You ask me "What do they want to do with those people?" Anything but sex - drink coffee, talk, have common hobbies, go to the cinema, do anything.

 

Some people say that I don't have any right to tell and forbid my significant other to see his friends of the opposite sex even if he had sex with them once before he met me. He also says "The past is past. If I promised to be physically loyal for you, to trust and to honor you, I will do that no matter what." He also says that I can meet my friends of the opposite sex too if I am going to be physically loyal." I just don't get one thing - those people also say that there is no way that the opposite gender people wouldn't feel any kind of attraction to one each other, but they CAN be loyal despite their minds. Where's the logic? Do we have a right to forbid to meet those people of the opposite sex?

[annie24]

I think you have the right to set boundaries. You can't tell him what to do, but you can tell him you don't want to be in a relationship with someone who insists on contact with his ex.

 

I understand if they have children or a business together. But if they don't, frequent contact would bother me yes.

[Seraphim]

You can have your boundaries which will cause you to leave if people cross them but you can not "forbid" people.

[CeeLambrini]

Forbid is a very strong word. I think someone should take their S.O's feelings into consideration, however. My S.O has disappointed me this week as he's let an ex co-worker stay with him for a couple of days (she lives abroad now, but wants to come back) to attend some job interviews. However, I'm not sat here worrying they're getting it on - I'm more a little irritated that he hadn't asked me how I felt about it first. I simply explained to him that it hurt my feelings that he didn't really consider how I felt first - and if he had I would probably be more than happy to agree that she shouldn't have to pay for a hotel when she has a friend with a 2-bedroom apartment.

 

I think when your S.O has a good friend of the opposite sex, it will always help to get to know them yourself. Become "three friends" rather than "two friends and a girlfriend". Firstly, you can suss out their chemistry. If his/her behavior towards your S.O is a little over the top, then you can tell them that you're uncomfortable with them seeing that particular person. If this friend always remains a stranger to you, you'll constantly be worrying about what she's really like.

 

I'm afraid the realistic way of looking at it is that if your partner is going to cheat on you, they're going to do it regardless of whether or not they're "forbidden". In fact forbidding them might even make it more appealing. If you are a jealous and insecure person then that's something you have to work on, not prevent a grown man from seeing who he wants to see. You will only end up pushing him away with this sort of controlling behavior.

[Tom1990]

You're definitely within your rights to set that as a boundary. Many people do. I'm all right with it myself, but if you're not okay with it, it's cool to make that clear.

 

Perhaps most importantly, you shouldn't have to explain "why." It's an obvious boundary and for anyone to argue against it would be disrespectful.

[bulletproof]

I don't mean co-workers. I mean friends of the opposite sex, old crushes, even exes.

 

I would not stay in a relationship in which someone told me I couldn't have friends of the opposite sex. However, I realize that many people do have issues with those friends being former crushes or lovers. But friends? That's unreasonable.

 

I would not care if my bf was friends with an ex or an ex-crush. I just don't see how it has any bearing on my current relationship.

[paradisa]

Communication would help. Nothing wrong with you telling him why you don't feel comfortable when he meets up with an ex and discussing the situation. Only physically loyal? There's still emotional attachment? That would bother me. I think it's just a very slippery slope when he continues to make contact with an ex and he has a girlfriend.

[Cheetarah]

Forbid? No. You have the right to tell them how you feel, though.

 

I would not be ok with my partner having an ex or past fling as friends if there are no boundaries in place. Or really, any opposite sex friendship that is shady and involves heavy flirtations. I have a huge problem with that and would be out the door.

[PrettyGood]

Well my significant other told me "If you can't trust me and if you feel the need to set any kind of boundaries who I should meet and who I shouldn't meet and we're not going to the same direction in life." His words really stroke me as a bolt, I thought that it is some kind of manipulation or ultimatum to listen to him or just break up with him. I still feel sad about it because I also thought that he doesn't care what I think and how I feel and he replied to that "You won't the the most important person in my life to set me boundaries until we get married." That just torn me apart and I don't know how to explain him why is it important to me and why I can't trust such people.

[CeeLambrini]

You both aren't compatible in that case. He doesn't want to be told who he can and can't see, and you want to be able to have a say in that. It's not that he doesn't care about your feelings, but he cares more about his freedom to do what he wants. If a man told you to do something you weren't comfortable doing and he accused you of not caring about him, you would probably feel the same way. If you can't learn to live with his friendships with other women, then you are better off with a man who doesn't have any female friends.

[annie24]

I don't want someone telling me who I can and can't see either. So I see his point of view. I am not a cheater, so I would not cheat, even if I were spending alone time with a man. It's just not in my nature. If he doesn't trust me, good riddance. I'm happy to abide by some common sense boundaries but to be told not to spend time with .... Is not ok with me.

[lalalollipops]

Lol...'forbid'

You're his ball and chain aren't you?

No one likes sb so controlling, it's their life, you have no right to tell them who they can and cannot see.

[Doc Blaze]

usually telling someone they cant do something is only going to frustrate the person more...

[willdation]

You can always just go by the Golden Rule of do unto others as you want done to yourself..

 

Ask your boyfriend if he would like it if you hung out with your ex or some new nice guy you just met...If he would not like it, then clearly he should not be doing it as well...etc...

[Miss Firecracker]

I can set any standards I want for my relationship. And I don't care what others think about that.

[Fudgie]

I have a right to tell my SO that I don't like something he does and if he continues I will leave. That is my right.

 

Ultimately he can do whatever but if he does that thing again, I have a right to leave and he can't be surprised about it.

 

That's all you can do.

[abitbroken]

Well my significant other told me "If you can't trust me and if you feel the need to set any kind of boundaries who I should meet and who I shouldn't meet and we're not going to the same direction in life." His words really stroke me as a bolt, I thought that it is some kind of manipulation or ultimatum to listen to him or just break up with him. I still feel sad about it because I also thought that he doesn't care what I think and how I feel and he replied to that "You won't the the most important person in my life to set me boundaries until we get married." That just torn me apart and I don't know how to explain him why is it important to me and why I can't trust such people.

 

It is important to find someone who has similar sensibilities as you do. I think that it is totally out of line for a man to meet with a woman who has a crush on him. I think that if he wants to meet up with an ex, then he should have no trouble bringing is current girlfriend along or for his gf to meet her. Otherwise he has something to hide. If you wait til you are married to set boundaries, then its too late.

[Miss Firecracker]

Yes, those things should be out of the way long before a wedding.

[oldenoughtoknow]

I'd have to say no, you don't have a "right to forbid" your SO from meeting other people. He's not a two year old. This is something that each couple has to decide together. We all have a different level of comfort in this area and there really isn't a right or wrong - as long as both parties agree.

[faerietale]

I think the word "forbid" is harsh and unrealistic in itself. You really can't forbid someone to do anything.

If you do that, your SO will feel as though he/she is being treated like a child. I think there has to be boundaries even if there aren't any forbidden rules.

 

Men and women CAN be friends, no doubt, and NOT have physical attraction to each other. I have a lot of male friends whom I would not have sex with even if we were the last 2 people on Earth. Then, there are male friends whom I AM attracted to, but given the circumstance, I would not cross that boundary.

 

I think it's healthy for us to have friends of the opposite sex in order to exchange ideas, information and advice. If I have just girl friends, I don't think I would understand my boyfriend as much. I'm sure he benefits from advises given by his girl friends, too.

 

I would only be concern if they had some kind of physical contact in the past. I don't care what happened, but if I know that my boyfriend had sex with a girl and they are still friends, I would NOT be happy about it.

[Celadon]

I like what someone said on another similar thread. The proper boundaries are ... is he willing to have you with him when he meets up with one of his woman friends? If not, why not? The rule of thumb with a friend of the opposite sex is that you wouldn't do anything with that friend that you wouldn't want your S.O. to know about or see.

[ChewyC]

I don't think you can forbid them to do anything, but you can of course tell them you're not happy with them doing something. My ex had met up with a guy (whom to this day I still haven't met) for coffee and cinema which I would have been fine with had she told me she was going to meet him, and not one of her girl friends like she told me. I understand why she lied the first time though, and was happy enough to let her go see him. But she lied again about going to meet him, and I saw a snippet of their text conversation which was a little on the flirty side. In a situation like that I'd say is the only time you can forbid your other half from meeting someone, although in saying that, I didn't full on forbid her, I just told her that I really didn't want her to. she went anyway (although I do know that she didn't cheat).

 

I guess if you let them know that you're not happy with them doing something, they won't do it if they realise how much it means to you or if they really care about and respect your wishes. A contentious issue I think that depends on the situation.

[Moltar]

You two aren't even married yet? No, you can not forbid him from seeing anyone, but telling him you don't like something is kind of like saying "I don't like it, if you loved me you wouldn't do it" kind of emotional blackmail, but it's less foreboding than forbidding him entirely from seeing anyone from the opposite sex. If a girlfriend of mine stated I could not see anyone of the opposite sex, I'd probably humor her for a bit and do deliberately do it behind her back, just out of spite. If a girlfriend of mine stated I can not see an ex girlfriend or someone I had a crush on (how would she know anyway?) or had a crush on me, then I would understand her reasoning and respect her wishes. However, if she asked me to break off all friendships with the opposite sex due to trust issues and jealousy, then I would probably lose all respect (although I probably would have seen it coming from a mile away, so it might not have been much) for her and lie and do it anyway. If I knew a girl, who may have been my best friend for years, possibly since childhood, and she tells me to stop seeing them without a valid reason beyond obsession and being possessive, then she'd do the same with trying to isolate me from male friends and want my 'undivided attention' and eventually attempt to isolate me from my family. I mean, holy ****, the sex would have to be really good if I would even consider the first.

 

If she told me, however, that she disliked me hanging out with girl friends all of the time and shared how she felt with me, then we could talk it out, and possibly compromise (I still wouldn't give up my female best friend). However, if she is unwilling to compromise, and says something like "If you loved me, you wouldn't do x, y, or z" then, once again, all respect is lost.