Oh my God, I married a slob

[Joe02468]

Dated my current wife on and off, several breakups until she got pregnant and we got married. I have two awesome, sweet and well behaving boys from previous marriage , she has one spirited boy from her previous marriage. I usually end up having to entertain her vivacious boy all the time (hence now I have 3 boys to watch) and she has a full time nanny for baby girl. As soon as baby is asleep she crashes on couch and does nothing until she goes to bed. The only time she does anything is for her son, but after that she is done. She never shows affection to me or my boys, never (ever) initiates sex (almost never have sex already), she only tells me she is tired and that's it. When her son is away with his dad and I have my 2 boys, she leaves me alone and goes either to bed (most often) or finds an excuse to go out. She never cooks, always take out and fast food, I pay for a cleaning lady twice a week, yet the house is messy. She never helps with birthday parties etc. unless if it is for her son, then she wants me to help or she has her mom and sister to help her... I am concluding she is just a slob and I am desperate for companionship and , simply put, a wife!

[Minx2012]

How long have you been married to her?

[Joe02468]

Less than a year. Girl is 9 months and she sleeps ok and is easy, besides we have full time nanny as I said. She works 8-5pm. I work too of course, but must take ton of time off to get family going and run errands just like either a typical single dad or a stay home mom...got the picture?

[annie24]

have you sat down and talked to her about these issues?

[Joe02468]

Yes, we had several discussions and the fact that she would come to m house, unleash her son to me and my boys to crash on couch was making me crazy already before the marriage.

Now she has the baby girl as a solid excuse to do nothing !

[abitbroken]

Firstly, she is not here and you are, so:

 

1) I usually end up having to entertain her vivacious boy all the time (hence now I have 3 boys to watch)

 

This takes on a slightly resentful tone. You want her to embrace your boys, but you are complaining about including her son with your original two. It goes both ways. You both have to see this group as a family ..and you are in the "both" too. If your original boys and your StepSON are reasonably similar in age, its a good thing for them to be included together in similar activities. If your boys are 16 and 14 and hers is 2 - thn I could see why they would be treated differently. You have to start this from the top down. Instead of seeing your stepson as an intruder, plan things for the three of them like you aren't trying to shake him off.

 

2) She never shows affection to me or my boys, never (ever) initiates sex (almost never have sex already), she only tells me she is tired and that's it.

 

It takes time to form that kind of bond with stepchildren if you haven't been in their life forever and there is wonderign what is appropriate. That will come in time. And she had a baby 9 months ago. Her body and hormones have changed. She could really and truthfully be tired. Or she could have post partum depression. I'd be emotionally overwhelmed to go from 1 kid to 4 almost overnight.

 

With the surprise pregnancy, you guys didn't take the time or have a chance to take the time to slowly blend the families, it seems.

 

 

She works 8-5pm. I work too of course, but must take ton of time off to get family going and run errands just like either a typical single dad or a stay home mom...got the picture

 

Whoa. If you are BOTH working during the day, you divide the errands instead of being resentful what she doesn't do. She is caring for baby after the nanny leaves and you are running the extra errands. So either run those errands cheerfully and know that once the little one is older things might change or you restucture things. And maybe streamline things where you guys go for one mega food shopping trip every other week to avoid the little trips during the week or whatever you need to do to reduce the errands. if the kids can't do all the sports they want, so be it.

 

 

As far as sex for you, maybe you are too busy picking her apart? I would see if you could get a babysitter or a relative to take the kids one night a week or every other week to have a DATE night that hasn't anything to do with errands. That is where I would start.

[Joe02468]

Thanks, these are all reasonable points but: Her son is intrusive and attention seeking and is very hard to be around ('not fair I want this' 'I want that,' 'mine l!' punching, tantrums punching her mom etc.) However, according to my wife , he is perfect. But, she does not spend time with him to satisfy his demands all the time , she just unleash him on me. And this was before the baby already.

 

On top I truly take care of all errands and often take her son camping with me and my boys, fishing etc., yet my wife never would move a finger for me helping with my boys.

 

Also, I am very social and i like to have dinner parties etc. but usually is the wife that keeps the social agenda going. Well, she doesn't! I try to keep a circle of friends but she resents them and they can see that and don't keep in touch anymore. I lost friends after friends thanks to her... Yet she keeps some girlfriends only for her to do things with ...

[abitbroken]

Why did you stay with her so long if you no longer have many friends because of her? As far as her son - have you guys sat down and talked about discipline boundaries, or do you discipline her son and she yours? As far as your STEPSON goes, I imagine it would be difficult from going from an only child to maybe being a second youngest or middle child or having younger siblings. He may not know where he fits. A child may feel temporarily displaced when a baby comes. I had a fit when my sister was born having been the star for several years. Its normal. But when all the sudden there's a baby AND two step brothers, I am sure that his acting out and demanding has gotten worse. And now there is a stepdad and he is probably figuring out how to size you up too. Have you considered counseling for him? or even a session for the whole family or someone to talk to the boys about how they feel? I would really try having a heart to heart with him depending on his age and even talking about what your parameters for discipline are.

 

Also, its not always the wife that does the social calendar. In some couples, the guy is more social. or they both are equal. just depends.

 

I guess I am trying to say that you are not the only one adjusting. there are many issues here - I don't even know where to start, but I'd definitely try to figure out whats best for the kids.

[Joe02468]

Agree, but she does absolutely nothing . Only finds time for herself and occasionally for her son. That's it! And this is the main point. I don't want to be with her anymore abd she is killing my enthusiasm for love and family and sex and companionship ... I told her a million times I feel very lonely but she simply does not care ... I guess either I just find a mistress or I just divorce her. But then I will have two ex wife's each with kids...I am trapped and she knows, that's why she does not care I am unhappy 😢

[Miss Firecracker]

She isn't happy with you obviously. She got preggers and needed a husband. And she got one. Now you have to decide what you want.

[pl3asehelp]

She isn't happy with you obviously. She got preggers and needed a husband. And she got one. Now you have to decide what you want.

 

Maybe she's just depressed or unhappy in general and would be that way with anyone or even single. OP sounds like he does a hell of a lot that deserves appreciation.

[Miss Firecracker]

She is what she is. And don't expect she will ever just jump up and be a Susie Homemaker and start throwing parties for your friends. It's just not going to happen. You can't change her, so you must accept her or leave. Those are your choices.

[Fudgie]

This is why people shouldn't rush into marriage, even then they have a kid together. If you wanted a Martha Stuart homemaker who would clean everything, throw dinner parties, and basically play maid to you and the kids, then you should have looked into whether or not she would do that for you. That's just not who she is.

 

There are many slobby women out there. I am one of them. I will never change and they won't either. I'm sorry but if that's not what you wanted to marry in the start, you should have investigated her character more instead of jumping into a marriage whole assuming ridiculous things.

[paradisa]

"I have two awesome, sweet and well behaving boys from previous marriage...Her son is intrusive and attention seeking and is very hard to be around...according to my wife , he is perfect."

You see your kids as awesome, she sees her kid as perfect - your boys may not be perfect either....

 

Counseling? Worth a shot. Or divorce her - but a mistress is never the answer.

[Joe02468]

This is why people shouldn't rush into marriage, even then they have a kid together. If you wanted a Martha Stuart homemaker who would clean everything, throw dinner parties, and basically play maid to you and the kids, then you should have looked into whether or not she would do that for you. That's just not who she is.

 

There are many slobby women out there. I am one of them. I will never change and they won't either. I'm sorry but if that's not what you wanted to marry in the start, you should have investigated her character more instead of jumping into a marriage whole assuming ridiculous things.[/QUOT

 

Why is asking to be a wife 'asking ridiculous things'? If a man is a slob, does not do a thing for the family, does not show affection or even make love to her wife , etc. everyone would condemn him harshly . If a woman is a slob, it's ok, that's how she is ?

[Fudgie]

I am just addressing the fact that you're expecting her to not be a slob. No need to freak out about double standards. If a man is a slob, he's not going to change either and should marry someone who understands that.

 

Your marriage falling apart is likely due to you both failing to accept the children from other relationships. Blended families are hell to start with and it sounds like neither of you put much thought into how to work this out.

 

Her being a slob and you guys having sex and child issues are separate things. She cant change her slobbiness. You both can change the martial issues. Go to family therapy and start becoming a blended family. Do marriage counselling too.

[Joe02468]

Well, I heard this comment a lot too: 'your kids are not perfect either ...'.

 

There are things that are not subjective. A bratty kid is a bratty kid, all my friends think I am a saint to put up with him. And yes, he goes to therapy as his problems of behavior are obvious and persist in other places (school , sports etc). However, my wife does not tell the therapist the facts but makes his behavior always someone else's fault (bad teacher, bad coach, bad stepdad , aka me, bad sister at church, and so on). So, he was not diagnosed as ADHD but he is truly a piece of work.

Now, I remind you the issue here: he is very active but she does not play with him or organize things to keep him busy, she just dump him on me and my boys. So I am left with 2 boys and an another very active one, while she crushes on the couch complaining on when she can get a massage ...

[Fudgie]

I get that he's a piece of work but if you keep singling him out in your mind and cant see him as your own son,this blended family thing will never work.

 

If you're not into it, leave now and save yourself time.

[Joe02468]

I think it all starts with slobbiness . There are many things that we do but we rather crush on the couch instead. If I know she likes massages I massage her even if I am tired, and I play with her kid even if he is impossible to play with (always ends with a tantrum)...if I need to fix something around the house I do it , or I organize a repair, pay bills, grocery , take kids to sports (by the way, I coach soccer too as volunteer)... That means being a decent husband and roll up my sleeves here and then. Why can't she do that ever ? It is unacceptable to me to be so lazy, sorry I just don't understand it. I even got her supplements , buy her yoga memberships , art classes , massages etc. She would say how much she misses our baby girl that spends lots of time with nanny, then Saturday morning the first thing she does she leaves me with baby to take a 4 hours art class, by the way... Comes back and immediately want to go to a fast food , she gained 30 pounds (I start not liking the way she looks either)...

[Miss Firecracker]

That is one depressed lady. She needs help, but that is something she has to ask for.

[Silverbirch]

I feel for you OP. I was never married to my ex, nor did I have children with him, but I did a lot for him and his children and I came to feel so unappreciated. His children were teenagers though, and he used to tell me how he was going to give me this much better life when he children were grown up and he was not financially responsible for them - they were, what I would consider, extremely over-indulged in some ways by my ex and their bio mum. His daughter in particular had big emotional problems and amongst some of her issues were constant stealing and compulsive secretive over-eating. Anyway, the story went that when his "children" were off his hands, I was dumped for a much younger woman - turns out he did me a favour. I'm much happier these days.

 

 

 

Sorry I don't have any answers for you, just want to say that I empathise.

[agent1607307371]

I agree with Miss Firecracker - she needs help, but you need to encourage her to feel able to ask for it.

 

I also think that you married her with expectations about what a wife is that perhaps don't meet with her expectations of what a wife is and it sounds like that was assumed rather than discussed.

[Justme3]

I agree with agent. It does seem like you married her having certain expectations of what a "wife" should do. There needs to be boundaries, time for each other, time with the children, time to go grocery shopping together etc. You're both so overwhelmed. Seems like you just joined two families without really thinking what it really entails. You have certain expectations she can't meet. Have you tried counseling? That may be a good start.

[Joe02468]

Thanks for the suggestions. It is not matter of expectations. She simply is not doing a thing. If we did not have the contract of marriage and the baby, I would have left her long ago.

We tried counseling. Terrible idea. She of course knows she is at fouls therefore she lies to anyone. She rejects me blatantly a million times in a given month. Then once she wakes up and claims that we touched my feet and that I took it away, therefore she tried to be affectionate but I rejected her. She would formally underline the invented episode ... It is crazy making. Same spins and manipulations are about her son. He can kill someone and have bloody hands but if font have a video of him doing that she would say he didn't do anything...

[pl3asehelp]

This is far more than being a slob. With kids there is a lot of work and it sounds like you do 90% of it. A single person with no kids can be a lazy slob and it doesn't impact anyone. In a marriage with kids this kind of behavior is borderline abusive.