Would this have bothered you, or am I too jealous?

[justaglimmer]

So I’ve been seeing my current boyfriend for about 3 months now. We get along great so far, have had no disagreements or anything too dramatic. We don’t get to see each other much due to our busy schedules so we always make the most of the time we have together and we’ve never had any real problems until a few days ago….

 

We were hanging out one evening, and my guy’s roommate (also his best friend) had his girlfriend over as well. He (the roommate) and his girlfriend actually got together around the same time as I got with my guy, but they are moving a lot faster than us (she got preggers, they got married). That’s their business of course, they both seem crazy over each other and spend lots of time together, and that’s not the problem at all, the problem was how my boyfriend behaves around this girl. It set me off and I’m still trying to figure it out.

 

Let me start by saying this - I’m more of a reserved person. I will not fully engage in conversation unless I’m truly interested in what is being said or I can relate in any way, and I surely am no ass kisser just to be “part of a group”. The roommate’s girlfriend however is a very outspoken, center-of-attention type person and she clearly likes to own a room. That’s fine, to each their own. However while hanging out together this past weekend, my boyfriend was chatting it up with her for the longest time. They were just yapping away at each other as if they were best buds now, and I was getting very annoyed. I wondered if her guy was getting annoyed as well, but I couldn’t tell. I felt like I was being ignored and it really didn’t sit well with me. I took the time out of my busy schedule to drive to see him that weekend, and I felt like I was being disrespected. My first instinct was to pull him aside immediately and let him know just how I felt. But I didn’t, I stayed calm for the remainder of the evening and didn’t sulk or anything like that. I genuinely kept my cool at the time.

 

However, I had to say something eventually. So later that night, when we were alone, I brought it up to him (very calmly) and explained how I felt. I told him that I feel like maybe he’s more suited for someone like her (someone chatty and outspoken and more in-your-face), and that I feel like I bore him. That’s when I started to cry a little (didn’t expect that, but it happened), because the thought honestly hurt me. He immediately was like “Oh no honey! Gosh, no!”.. He came to my rescue and wrapped his arms around me and kept insisting that I’m perfect for him, that I never bore him and that he’s actually intrigued quite often when listening to me talk. He said he felt terrible that I would feel that way. He said he just wanted everyone to get along and definitely didn’t mean any harm by chatting it up with the girl. Having him soothe me like that in-person naturally calmed me down, but after a few more days have passed… I still find myself thinking about it. I know he cares… he’s always expressive with how much he cares and how he misses me, and he’s always trying to squeeze in more time to spend with each other and even has talked of our long-term future often. But, I don’t know. They say to trust your instincts, but at the same time, its hard to distinguish between instincts and paranoia. Thoughts, anyone? Should I talk to him about it some more or let the subject go for now?

[DN]

Yes, you definitely need to talk to him some more. You need to apologise for being jealous, controlling and dramatic.

 

Clearly, you don't like this woman but that is no reason to behave like that to your boyfriend.

[MadxMythMadame]

Honestly, it makes sense - you don't spend time with him very often and you feel like because you have such little and he's talking to another girl. I think your reaction was normal.

 

It's fine if you're feeling jealous because it seems like your time with him is being stolen. What matters is how you react to being jealous. I think you just have to think about the facts. They were talking about something they were interested in, and you weren't interest. What happen is that you weren't engaged by anything, except for that fact that they were talking to each other. There's nothing more, nothing less. One conversation with another person isn't going to suddenly change the course of everything.

 

He's interested in you Guys don't go out of their way during a busy schedule to see just anyone.

[ChellyV]

Yes, you definitely need to talk to him some more. You need to apologise for being jealous, controlling and dramatic.

 

Clearly, you don't like this woman but that is no reason to behave like that to your boyfriend.

 

Exactly.

If the problem persist, perhaps that the time to react. For right now, you have talked to him about it. Give him a chance.

[justaglimmer]

DN,

 

I approached the subject very calmly when talking to him, and he actually said he appreciated that I brought it to his attention that something was bothering me. Plus, I have no reason to dislike the woman, I just did not feel comfortable with their never-ending conversation that evening. Like I said, I made the time to come and see him, yet I felt like I could have walked out the door and he wouldn't have even noticed for awhile... does that make sense? I didn't attack him, but I felt like it needed to be addressed.

[junebug123]

I think the problem is that he didn't realize that you were being left out of the conversation and i am sure you could have chimed in; sometimes people get lost in their own world and forget they have a guest over or more like a girlfriend over who needs equal attention. Even thou i am a guy i sympathize with you and would say that i have been with girls who are like that, and yes it is very annoying because i usually don't get along with their friends so sometimes its hard to be in social situations; eventually thou as you grow as a couple things like this will become easier and you will be able to be friends with that girl too or you guys could just spend time together without her when you go over there too

[justaglimmer]

Honestly, it makes sense - you don't spend time with him very often and you feel like because you have such little and he's talking to another girl. I think your reaction was normal.

 

It's fine if you're feeling jealous because it seems like your time with him is being stolen. What matters is how you react to being jealous. I think you just have to think about the facts. They were talking about something they were interested in, and you weren't interest. What happen is that you weren't engaged by anything, except for that fact that they were talking to each other. There's nothing more, nothing less. One conversation with another person isn't going to suddenly change the course of everything.

 

He's interested in you Guys don't go out of their way during a busy schedule to see just anyone.

 

 

Yes, that all makes sense... I don't know how to explain it though... I guess it was the way they were speaking to each other, and how he seemed to be having a blast yet I swear it seems like he's zoning out whenever I get really talkative with him like that. He seemed to be really into their conversation though. Just the way it all happened, I felt really crappy and almost wanted to just go home.

[justaglimmer]

I think the problem is that he didn't realize that you were being left out of the conversation and i am sure you could have chimed in; sometimes people get lost in their own world and forget they have a guest over or more like a girlfriend over who needs equal attention. Even thou i am a guy i sympathize with you and would say that i have been with girls who are like that, and yes it is very annoying because i usually don't get along with their friends so sometimes its hard to be in social situations; eventually thou as you grow as a couple things like this will become easier and you will be able to be friends with that girl too or you guys could just spend time together without her when you go over there too

 

Yeah, it was just a very uncomfortable situation for me. I'm glad you can see my point though. I definitely wasn't trying to be a brat or anything, and I'm not someone who purposely stirs a fire by any means. I'm a very busy person, and he lives well over an hour away from me, yet through my exhaustion I still came to him that weekend and I just feel like he should have been a little more focused on me. It just felt disrespectful.

[Capricorn3]

Sounds to me like he just happened to get caught up in a conversation with her and didn't realize how much time actually passed. It was a social event and he happened to get involved in talking to her. It happens. I don't think he was being malicious or intentionally meant to hurt your feelings or be "disrespecful", etc. So, imo, maybe just a tad of overreaction/possible jealousy on your side.

[justaglimmer]

Sounds to me like he just happened to get caught up in a conversation with her and didn't realize how much time actually passed. It was a social event and he happened to get involved in talking to her. It happens. I don't think he was being malicious or intentionally meant to hurt your feelings or be "disrespecful", etc. So, imo, maybe just a tad of overreaction/possible jealousy on your side.

 

Thanks for your reply Capricorn3, and that all makes sense of course. But still, shouldn't I be somewhat alarmed that he seemed more engaged in conversation with this person than he's ever really seemed with me?

[Capricorn3]

But still, shouldn't I be somewhat alarmed that he seemed more engaged in conversation with this person than he's ever really seemed with me?

No, I don't see any cause for alarm at all. She just happens to have a different personality and he just happened to get caught up in a conversation with her. It's normal. It's what happens in social situations. It's called Life. I honestly think you are seeing something which just isn't there. He's with you. He loves you. You are his partner etc etc. Don't make drama out of nothing. Don't make mountains out of molehills. Let it go. Wasting so much energy on something fairly inconsequential will only make you miserable and unhappy, and what for?

[justaglimmer]

No, I don't see any cause for alarm at all. She just happens to have a different personality and he just happened to get caught up in a conversation with her. It's normal. It's what happens in social situations. It's called Life. I honestly think you are seeing something which just isn't there. He's with you. He loves you. You are his partner etc etc. Don't make drama out of nothing. Don't make mountains out of molehills. Let it go. Wasting so much energy on something fairly inconsequential will only make you miserable and unhappy, and what for?

 

Yeah, you do have a point. Its already been addressed anyway so I should probably leave it be, before I make things worse. The last thing I want or need is relationship drama. Just wanted some outside opinions so thank you all for your replies

[Capricorn3]

Its already been addressed anyway so I should probably leave it be, before I make things worse.

Now you got it!

[pippy longstocking]

I don't see that you had any need at all to be worried , paranoid or jealous

 

you said this about yourself

 

Let me start by saying this - I’m more of a reserved person. I will not fully engage in conversation unless I’m truly interested in what is being said or I can relate in any way, and I surely am no ass kisser just to be “part of a group”

 

and said this about her

 

The roommate’s girlfriend however is a very outspoken, center-of-attention type person and she clearly likes to own a room.

 

that says it all ...you only join in when your interested and are a reserved person , so sit back and let everyone else take centre stage .....her type of personality is one that will join in no matter the subject or who it is ..

 

therefore someone like her will always flow and get right into conversations ..with anyone ..

 

 

no need to for you to thnk he was out of order ..because he wasnt .

[lilylilylily]

Oh man, reading your first post when you cried, almost made me cry T_T....

 

But yeah, you have no need to be worried/jealous. Opposites attract you know? It is easy for two chatty people to chat away, but you get the chance to have a deeper/stronger/personal bond with him that doesn't involve mindless blabbering.

[Natasha24]

I can see why you were hurt a bit, since you guys don't have much time together and he spent a lot of your date talking to the other girl. But like you said, you're reserved and she's outgoing, so most people probably tend to fall into conversation with her.

 

I can't believe no one else has pointed this out: This chick has been dating your boyfriend's roommate for 3 MONTHS and they're already pregnant and married?? You have nothing to worry about - because this girl is crazy. haha

[justaglimmer]

Thank you all for your input I know it seems like the obvious answer is that he was just having a friendly conversation but... something about it really rubbed me the wrong way. Maybe if some of you were there, you could understand better than I can explain on here. I guess I just couldn't help but think "wow, looks like he's having so much fun and gets all hyped up when talking to her... maybe he'd be happier with someone like her". Plus he even snuck in a few compliments to her, saying she was cool and whatnot. It borderline crossed a line for me. But thats for me, maybe others could have let it pass without a single thought. Lets face it, I'm taking my time to get to know this person...we haven't been dating too long, so how much do I really *know*? I just don't want to get invested in something and ignore red flags ever again.

 

Natasha24, yes its extremely fast! Lol, mind-blowingly so.

[lilylilylily]

It's true how two chatty people can get hyped up together easily.

 

But think about it, being that hyped up 24/7 is seriously tiring! It's quite alot of pressure too, to stay 'interesting' for each other if they are constantly talking. I think thats why you always see couples who are both quiet, or one of which is quiet... it allows them to relax and show their real personality/thoughts.

 

Happiness is not about how much he is grinning/chatting, its also about being content and free/comfortable around the person you really like.

 

I do see where you're coming from though, its the price quiet people have to pay... have you dated 'quiet' people like yourself before and preferred it that way?

[HeatherB]

You felt jealous, which is natural. Doesn't mean he was doing anything wrong, though. It's great to communicate your insecurity to him as long as you keep it very vulnerable (like you did beautifully) and don't try to make him wrong or get him to change. It's about you, not him.

 

In the future, when you feel jealous, do something. Go over to your guy and ask him if you can get him a drink. Whisper in his ear how hot he is. Do something to get your own attention.

 

You don't have to be the "victim" of people who attract a lot of attention to themselves. They don't mean any harm. And they are everywhere, so it's important to figure out what you can do to feel good, not diminished, when you're around them.