How to stop ' waiting for him '

[Ditta]

So long story short

 

we've been together for 4.5 years. Married for 2.5

The guy has online cyber inappropriately messages to four different women over some 3 years which I found out about. He says it was just for attention for his male ego and he never would have acted upon any of it.

It seriously hurt me so went to counselling. He was very sorry and promised to open up to me more. I addressed my own issues and promised to give him more attention if he felt I wasn't giving enough.

Four months after the counselling he did it again. with his mother's old hag of a best friend. ***.

I am only 30 and attractive so don't get the attention he craved from the old hag.

 

After I found out I asked him to leave to think about his behaviour and how I really felt. He spent a week saying sorry and that he wanted to die.

A week after that he declared he was moving on and had a new apartment to live in.

He is now saying he wants to 'find himself' and that he feels he's had a breakdown.

 

I am shocked and dumbfounded that he says all this NOW and has never mentioned it before. He's had just about zero contact with me and I've applied NC myself as he's asked for space so I'm giving it to him.

 

I love him dearly. Despite of his wrong doings. I am completely gutted at his reaction. He never let on he was unhappy until I found out about his last misdemenour.

 

In some way I hope he comes to his senses and realise the grass isn't greener in his new pad own financial responsibilities. And that he had so much in our home , with our little silly ways and that he misses me.

 

But I need to stop thinking that. I get so upset thinking that he's forgotten all about me and US in only 3 weeks ! I just cant believe that.

 

It's like I'm waiting for him to change his mind. But he's never said he will.

 

How do I move on for me ?

[sharky988]

Good for you for standing up for yourself and maintaining your standards!

 

Messaging other women and becoming emotionally involved with them -- online or off -- is cheating in my book! For me, that's a dealbreaker, just imo that's one thing I can't accept in someone I've given my heart to. And he's lied about his activities on top of it, which makes him a liar and a cheater...... personally I think you've done the right thing by walking away.

 

Here's what I would be telling myself in your shoes: you've only been married 2-1/2 years and he's already started cheating. Where would you be in this marriage 5 years from now? What about with kids? Imagine yourself pregnant, feeling unattractive, wondering what he's up to online?

 

I think that immature kind of behavior only escalates. He's a cheater, which means he puts his own pleasurable impulses FIRST -- before you, before your marriage, and presumably before the welfare of your future children.......

 

Just keep imagining yourself in the future if you took him back, that's my advice.

[Ditta]

Thanks for your reply sharky.

 

I guess I'm just looking for reassurance and you're right

[Doofus]

If this was a deal breaker for you, then you've done the right thing. And I will say that, if you had indulged it, it most likely would have developed into something more than on line flirting with someone.

That said, I wonder why you're wondering whether you did the right thing. Were you surprised that, after you booted him out, he's decided to stay out? Are you unsure that your punishment was commensurate with the crime? Are you worried that there must be something wrong with you for him to be looking elsewhere?

If it's in part this last, then, let me tell you that most men are going to look or flirt if given the opportunity. I'm a man, and, at least when I was younger and still full of testosterone, I often found my gaze diverted by beautiful women, even though I loved my wife and would never ever cheat on her. And sometimes if a woman flirted with me a little I flirted back. Personally, I think this is unavoidable. And, while men are more prone to it, women do it too.

 

All of that said, it sounds like what your husband did is not just flirting a little but engaging in cyber sex? There's a line somewhere for everyone and that's one I myself would consider cheating. You yourself have to decide what you can live with, what you consider crossing the line. There's plenty of threads on here written by people who took their SO's back after cheating and found it unbearable. You'll never trust him again. He'll resent you. Probably, the relationship is doomed. So, while I don't know exactly what your husband did, and thus whether I would be able to forgive that sort of behavior, it was too much for you. And that's all that matters.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

This guy will never get it. Even if he is in another relationship he will continue looking for validation from many other woman. He has emotional problems and those will likely never be fixed. So accept that the marriage is over and that you are better off that it is because he is not partner material.

[sharky988]

Here's a guildeline that's really helped me personally define what's cheating and what isn't:

 

If you wouldn't do it, say it or write it in the presence of your significant other, it's cheating.

[Lambert]

Well my dear, Ditta, here's the thing about relationships and life-- we often get what we settle for. I think you did the right thing but you can't back peddle now. You come out from a place of strength. First strike, you went to therapy, you agreed what was acceptable and he broke that again. You have to stand behind what you said and agreed to. You are married, for better or worse and all that good stuff, so you both have to work to keep it going. It's not fair for him to just be like oops, I did it again.

 

You asked him to leave and get himself together. Unfortunately, that takes time. Probably from your perspective, you know what he needs to do so, you are wondering what is taking so long? Doesn't he love me enough to do whatever it takes? Maybe for him, he is realizing he has some issues that you don't know about and he needs to work on them. I think now is the time to be really REALLY strong. You know you love him. But you need to know he can meet your needs. And that has to come from him.

 

Give it some more space and time. People go through rough times, that is what makes them stronger. It's easy to be together when it's going great but when the $hit hits the fan, that where you learn where you stand. Don't give up on your own morales and needs. You deserve the life you want. Maybe go back to therapy with him or alone. Work on yourself and your life.

[DN]

You say that he gave as a reason for his behaviour a lack of attention from you. I am wondering if some of things you didn't like about him that you listed here also came accross in your attitude towards him.

[Ditta]

Thankyou for all of your replies, these are really helping me. Doofus, yes I know we all flirt to some degree but some of the things he was saying to these women were beyond me. It was sexual and beyond sexual, even telling one he loved her and to another he slagged me off.

It was all too much for me and even though we went to counselling and he said it meant nothing, it didn't stop him doing it again sadly .

 

Lambert, Thankyou for the words of encouragement.

 

DN ... god yeah there was loads of things that wound me up about him! ! but nothing as detrimental to leave him! I gave him as much attention as I could, I always always made an effort with my appearance, our social life and sex life. He wasn't happy unless I was swinging off him with hugs and the like.

 

I dunno. All your messages have made me feel stronger anyways and determined to keep up with the NC.

 

Thanks again.

[luminousone]

You have already gotten some very wise advice, but I will add a few other points.

 

I think you are still in shock over all of this. And maybe blaming yourself for asking him to leave and to think about what he had done.

 

You need to remember that it is not normal or appropriate to interact with other women in that way within the confines of a marriage unless you both had an agreement of that sort.

 

Anything that is done secretly and of a sexual nature is cheating - even if it is done online. People who cheat in that manner may either be very spoiled, narcissistic or both.

 

He may be addicted to the thrill of cheating - and may have been full of remorse when you caught him but unable to resist the temptation when it comes up again. And those situations or opportunities will always be available.

 

You did the right thing by setting healthy boundaries. Tryst yourself on that. Trust that he is doing the right thing by leaving your relationship. His heart was not fully there to begin with- not because of anything to do with you, but because he has some major issues that prevent him from being able to fully commit to a loving relationship.

 

Yes, you still love him. And he likely loves (and loved) you as much as he could. But he is not able to change for you and he is just now realizing that. He has major work to do and issues to get through!

 

So love him from afar but work on letting go and moving forward. Be strong and know that you did the right thing. Even though it hurts so very much.

 

Know that you will mourn the loss of your relationship as well as the companionship with your ex. Time will help in that respect.

 

If you are not already doing so, you might consider continuing with counseling on your own for a while for the support it will offer you at this time.

 

Then do the things that help you get through a breakup- pamper yourself, keep busy with friends and family, change your hairstyle, exercise, eat healthy and get lots of sleep, go volunteer somewhere, and write a journal of your feelings as you process through all of this mess.

 

You did what you could to save your marriage. He is incapable of being in a healthy committed relationship.

[Ditta]

luminousone, thanks for reply. What you wrote rang true to me. He has already told me recently that he thinks he will only hurt me again and he's doing all this to save my feelings.

I don't know if this is a cop out or not. Guess I won't really know what's going on inside his head.

But yes, I don't think he has it in him change for me and I don't particularly think he wants to.

 

I am so sad to be revealed with who he really is. I've been blind. I put every effort into the relationship we had, heart and soul. And now I'm 30 years old, facing divorce, with nothing to show for the last four years of my life but a big lie.

 

[luminousone]

[quote= And now I'm 30 years old, facing divorce, with nothing to show for the last four years of my life but a big lie.

 

 

I know it all looks so bleak right now. But 30 is still young and in time your heart will heal. Sounds like your ex was a master if disguise, and it was not until now that you have seen the real person that he is.

 

In time you will come to be very grateful that you are no longer together. Perhaps you will now meet the man of your dreams...

[IAmFCA]

Writing as someone who stayed married for 15, despite knowing it was wrong in Year 1. My lesson: either accept what my man offers, or get out. Sure there is forgiveness, there is learning and adjusting. But fundamentally, we are who are, and we need to feel and offer acceptance. My other lesson? What bugs me about you [i.e., my SO] is a reflection of my own weaknesses and insecurities. So acceptance of ourselves is just as important.

 

This gets at your fear. Accept that your voice, needs and instincts are your best allies. Someone who loves you will respect them; better, will appreciate and wonder at them. This is about you not being attentive? Really? The relationship is a joint responsibility, and he escaped to his computer leaving you holding the bag.

 

You still have time to form a lifelong relationship with someone who will hear you, respect your voice, and address relationship struggles rather than blame and take cover. Use your instincts and self-respect as your guide and let it go. Then use this community for support.

 

Sorry.

 

You will be better for it. I promise.

[lorelaijones]

OMG!

this is exatcly the same story Of my first long term relationship.

He was flirting online with some girls and one day I was using his ipad (with his permission) and a pm popped up. I found out he was flirting with an UGLY UGLY woman on the other side of the country. Then I found out about other girls... And he said EXACTLY this: it was about his male egO and he would never really cheat on me...

I broke up anyway but a few days after I felt what you're feeling and asked him back.

Bad mistake. He didnt want me anymore.

Of course he didn't! His ego was hurt because now I knew the kind of insecure man I had by my side. He could never deal with it - me knowing what kind of man he was.

That's when he decided he was better off.

I don't know your ex but mine was a narcisist. Pretty clearly.

Run from this guy, as someone said, he is not partner material.

[IAmFCA]

So love him from afar but work on letting go and moving forward. Be strong and know that you did the right thing. Even though it hurts so very much.

 

Know that you will mourn the loss of your relationship as well as the companionship with your ex. Time will help in that respect.

 

 

Helpful for me too. Thanks!