unanimous123 Posted September 18, 2012 Share Posted September 18, 2012 Hi y'all, I know that this is the place to turn to when in need of unbiased opinions out there, hence, I'm asking for one. My gf and I live together and been in a relationship for over a year now. I admit that I have trust issues, but I still let her do her own thing like go out with friends and such. The thing is, she took a picture of her ex boyfriend using her camera. They work together and are forced to be friends due to this condition, though said that their relationship is now strictly business. Anyway, she already knows how I feel about her taking solo pictures of her ex, in fact,this was what led to a fight one time. Am I being irrational here or what? I need your unbiased opinion...thanks. Link to comment
Moontiger Posted September 18, 2012 Share Posted September 18, 2012 Yes, you are. Just look at the phrase you use in your post "I still let her..." This is your issue not hers. If you want to maintain the relationship your going to have to change your attitude. Link to comment
PH88 Posted September 18, 2012 Share Posted September 18, 2012 Trust is vital in any relationship. You two chose to live with one another, so you are going to have to face the fact that her taking pics with her ex, among other activities she partakes in with friends and without you, are going to happen because they are her choices to make. Just let it go. Show her that you have confidence by dismissing it all together. Starting fights over something due to your own insecurities will only backfire. Link to comment
unanimous123 Posted September 18, 2012 Author Share Posted September 18, 2012 Thanks for your opinion. Needless to say, this is the same guy whom she left to be with me, by the way. I guess my insecurity just stemmed from her mentioning during an argument that she shouldn't have dumped him for me, that had been too much to take, but we managed to get past that. I just don't know why she keeps doing things that she knows would upset me. Link to comment
jnj123 Posted September 18, 2012 Share Posted September 18, 2012 Hi y'all, I know that this is the place to turn to when in need of unbiased opinions out there, hence, I'm asking for one. My gf and I live together and been in a relationship for over a year now. I admit that I have trust issues, but I still let her do her own thing like go out with friends and such. The thing is, she took a picture of her ex boyfriend using her camera. They work together and are forced to be friends due to this condition, though said that their relationship is now strictly business. Anyway, she already knows how I feel about her taking solo pictures of her ex, in fact,this was what led to a fight one time. Am I being irrational here or what? I need your unbiased opinion...thanks. It depends honestly.... I have jealousy issues too, but I've learned its how you communicate. When you discussed taking pictures with her before, did she agree that it may be slightly inappropriate? or did she say you were being irrational. If she agreed to it and decided to take pictures anyway, than you are absolutely NOT being irrational.. Also, how long ago did their relationship end, how long did it last, and has she ever done anything to betray your trust before? ...... And what is the nature of their work that she has to be taking solo pictures of him? Link to comment
MikNomis Posted September 18, 2012 Share Posted September 18, 2012 You also knowingly do things that upset her. Namely, having jealousy and trust issues against her. Link to comment
Moontiger Posted September 18, 2012 Share Posted September 18, 2012 You also knowingly do things that upset her. Namely, having jealousy and trust issues against her. Excellent point here. What do you expect her to do OP, sit around the house and check every detail with you when she leave your side all so you can feel secure. Now, she should certainly not have said that to you, was very wrong of her and she should apologize but your have to get your insecurities under control. Link to comment
unanimous123 Posted September 18, 2012 Author Share Posted September 18, 2012 It depends honestly.... I have jealousy issues too, but I've learned its how you communicate. When you discussed taking pictures with her before, did she agree that it may be slightly inappropriate? or did she say you were being irrational. If she agreed to it and decided to take pictures anyway, than you are absolutely NOT being irrational.. Also, how long ago did their relationship end, how long did it last, and has she ever done anything to betray your trust before? ...... And what is the nature of their work that she has to be taking solo pictures of him? Thanks...She thinks I'm being irrational.It ended over a year ago and their relationship last for less than a month. She hasn't done anything to betray my trust where a third party had been involved, but she betrayed my trust by lying about her whereabouts. As for the last question, they work at a software company, she happened to be bringing a camera because we were supposed to go out on a date later that night. Just didn't know she would be using it on her officemates during their lunchbreak though. Link to comment
ToF Posted September 18, 2012 Share Posted September 18, 2012 What are you doing to improve on your issues with trust? Link to comment
unanimous123 Posted September 18, 2012 Author Share Posted September 18, 2012 What are you doing to improve on your issues with trust? By stopping and trying to think for a moment without directly confronting her about it... Link to comment
DN Posted September 18, 2012 Share Posted September 18, 2012 I am still not clear why she found it necessary to take a solo picture of him? What was the point? Link to comment
unanimous123 Posted September 18, 2012 Author Share Posted September 18, 2012 I am still not clear why she found it necessary to take a solo picture of him? What was the point? That makes two of us. Thing is, she still did it even after I showed her how displeased I was the first time around. Maybe we're just not compatible... Link to comment
unanimous123 Posted September 18, 2012 Author Share Posted September 18, 2012 You also knowingly do things that upset her. Namely, having jealousy and trust issues against her. I know...I admit I play a part on that, I guess I just couldn't see why she has to take like four solo pictures of him when she already know I don't really like the idea at all. Link to comment
unanimous123 Posted September 18, 2012 Author Share Posted September 18, 2012 Excellent point here. What do you expect her to do OP, sit around the house and check every detail with you when she leave your side all so you can feel secure. Now, she should certainly not have said that to you, was very wrong of her and she should apologize but your have to get your insecurities under control. I'm trying...but what she's doing is really not helping at all. Link to comment
Moontiger Posted September 18, 2012 Share Posted September 18, 2012 I'm trying...but what she's doing is really not helping at all. Have you gotten any therapy? Read any self-help books? It just doesn't seem you have put to much effort into working on your issues. Link to comment
unanimous123 Posted September 18, 2012 Author Share Posted September 18, 2012 I'm seriously considering it. Oh believe me, I've done what I could. Link to comment
unanimous123 Posted September 18, 2012 Author Share Posted September 18, 2012 It's sad because her actions really speak that she loves me, despite the recent event (she must have a reason one way or another why she did that, though I hope it's not to piss me off). Also, I really wanted us to work because I really love her. i just wish i don't get upset easily. Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted September 18, 2012 Share Posted September 18, 2012 It's sad because her actions really speak that she loves me, despite the recent event (she must have a reason one way or another why she did that, though I hope it's not to piss me off). Also, I really wanted us to work because I really love her. i just wish i don't get upset easily. I think if you hold the attitude that you let her go out, that you wish she didn't do things to upset you, and that you get upset easily then yeah, you are not compatible with her. Link to comment
unanimous123 Posted September 18, 2012 Author Share Posted September 18, 2012 I am still not clear why she found it necessary to take a solo picture of him? What was the point? This is exactly what I'm thinking...what was the point?especially after what she told me and after I made it known I don't approve of it? Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted September 18, 2012 Share Posted September 18, 2012 This is exactly what I'm thinking...what was the point?especially after what she told me and after I made it known I don't approve of it? I really don't think you two have the same line of thinking ... Link to comment
unanimous123 Posted September 18, 2012 Author Share Posted September 18, 2012 I really don't think you two have the same line of thinking ... So is there any other way to work it out besides break up with her? Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted September 18, 2012 Share Posted September 18, 2012 Here's the thing ... what do you want? What will make you happy? If what will make you happy is for her to "not do things to upset you" then I think it's doomed. IF you can define what bothers you more concretely, that might help. Then you can draw a line in the sand with her. If she can agree great. If not, then time to move on. Link to comment
ToF Posted September 18, 2012 Share Posted September 18, 2012 Have you asked her straight out why she took the pictures? Link to comment
Moontiger Posted September 18, 2012 Share Posted September 18, 2012 You have every right to set up your own boundaries in a relationship. That being said your mentality is what will doom this relationship and its completely unreasonable and irrational. You use the word "let" as though this is a child your are permitting some special privilege to. So she took a picture of ONE guy she happens to work with, what is the big deal? The way you save this relationship is to do some serious work on YOURSELF, accept that you are being irrational, apologize to her and ask that both of you go to therapy to work this out. Link to comment
FairyGodmother Posted September 18, 2012 Share Posted September 18, 2012 I think alot of people on this thread are missing the point. The OP may have trust issues, but that is a separate problem. Whilst he should definitely refrain from using the terminology "let" in reference to the activities his girlfriend partakes in, he does have a legitimate reason to wonder she continues to take pictures of her ex if he has already told her it makes him feel uncomfortable. OP what you really need to do is sit down and have a calm talk about it, without getting upset or angry at her. Tell her that you thought you made it clear the last she took a picture of her ex that you didn't like it, but that maybe it wasn't clear. Explain to her again that it makes you feel uncomfortable, and if this is a deal breaker for you let her know that in a non-ultimatum way (e.g. I don't think that we can have a healthy relationship if one of us disregards the things that makes the other uncomfortable, and I would really appreciate it if you could respect my boundaries and stop taking pictures of your ex). If she doesn't want to, and it bothers you that much then you need to consider ending the relationship. That being said, taking pictures of an ex is not usually something that triggers distrust in a partner. I can understand that in your case you have insecurities because she left her ex for you, but if you can't get over that barrier on your own then you do need to seek couples therapy or break up. Link to comment
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