On long distance relationships

[ayekasong]

Hey everyone. I'd like to know what your opinions are on a few things. LDRs are tough, there is no denying that. However, there are a few things I've heard about LDRs that I totally don't agree with, especially now that I have been in one for almost two and a half years.

 

Comment #1: LDRs don't work. This is one that I've heard from friends, family, magazines, etc, etc. I'm happy in my relationship. I see many people here are as well. I know LDRs have a higher tendency to fail than regular relationships, but are there so many failed LDRs out there that we should assume they don't work?

 

Comment #2: I have heard this and seen this in magazines. The idea that there is no excuse for having and LDR - that if you love one another you should close the distance. Now obviously that is an unrealistic expectation when one or both parties are in the military. But is it really fair to expect someone to transfer universities for the relationship? Is it fair for someone to leave a job they love over a relationship they developed over the internet or during a vacation? I really don't know... I didn't think so but perhaps others of you will disagree with me.

 

Another observation: Maybe it is just me, but why do people seem so eager to break up or cause doubts towards the relationships of others, especially when it comes to LDRs? When people found out I was moving accross the world while my bf finished his final year of university, I got a lot of curt, if not rude comments. Things like, "so are you guys going to break up?", "wow, I could never do that," or "won't you guys miss each other too much?" Now that I am here, I have 'friends' sending me messages like, "so how does it feel to not see your boyfriend," "do you miss him a lot," and even comments geared more toward a breakup than an LDR - "so does it feel like you don't have a boyfriend anymore?" Maybe if I was just thrown into this, these comments wouldn't bug me so much, but our whole relationship has been a sort of LDR - he was always 3 hours away from me, so we only got to see each other once a month. Now it's once every six months. It isn't THAT much different.

 

Anyway, what do you think about all of this? Does anyone ever get similar comments? If so, how do you deal with them? Thanks for reading!

[arwen]

hey!

 

I agree with you on the first one, and I think people who say this might have broken up a LDR (well: I have had 'normal' relationships before, and both of them didn't work for other reasons!), or don't have the experience with it.

 

I have doubts on the second one. On the long term, yes, we need to make plans to move. I am lucky, my bf and I are both graduating uni this year, and 1. he can maybe do a master here 2. I have already studied in his country (I was not with him then), and I LOVE his country. I think for a LDR to work you need more future planning than normal. I can already see it with when we plan the trips. Way long ahead to get the cheapest ticket, plus, if you don't make plans, a LDR could get really depressing. But should you expect this from the other person? I think the answer lies in the middle, i.e. between the two persons that have the relationship. Good communication will make that you know how the other person feels about moving. I have known people who lived here for 5 years, and now live in the country of the other person.

 

Yes, I have similar experiences with friends, although my situation is different I think. We met on holiday, so the general comment in my case is: 'So it is a nice summer-love?' NO. This time not! I am lucky to have two friends with bf's in other countries. They mean a lot to me and I to them after one of us said goodbye again to their love.

 

Ilse.

[ayekasong]

Hello! Thanks for the reply!

 

Actually I do agree that you should plan for the future. However, I first encountered that comment when I had been in my LDR for about 4 months. I wasn't about to transfer to a university that didn't have my major for a 4 month relationship. Neither was he. And at one year, I only had a year left of school. It didn't make sense to me to change schools. I didn't (and still don't) have an engagement ring on my finger. It just seemed like too big of a risk to take. I took this job knowing that I wouldn't see my bf for a year, I thought it was okay since he had another year of university. His school is in a real college town- I would have very little chance of finding a job there. Was it selfish of me to do this? Maybe... but he supported me every step of the way. If we're still together after he graduates, there will be talk of moving to be closer to one another (there has already been some talk about this).

 

I guess the comment seemed so unreasonable to me because of the point in my relationship I encountered it at.

[Empathy]

I was in an LDR and it failed. But that doesn't change my opinion about any relationship. If you're both willing to work hard enough and if you really love eachother then ANY relationship can work. I applaud you for your tenacity.

[OldGuy]

I once read this great quote, that I can't quite remember but here is how I think it went:

 

Distance is to passion as wind to a flame, extinguishing small ones, and fanning large ones.

 

(I can't find a source.)

 

For a young couple to plan to live apart for a year or even two in order to build a better life together is a brave thing to do and it tests a relationship. But its not a rare thing to do, couples have done so for many years. And particularly in your case where one life phase is ending (collage) and another is starting; sometimes it's the best choice.

 

I think those that tell you this won't work probably just realize their own relationship would not survive it.

 

Don't let these naysayers bother you. You know your relationship they don't.

 

To have a LDR where you never planned to live together would seem pointless to me. But for a set period of time so that you can be happier or more successful when together, it just shows courage and faith in the relationship.

[jackson5045]

how are ya ?

 

long distance relationships dont work !!

for a laundry list of reasons

most importantly:

if you really really wanted to be together you would be

 

they are appealing cause they are intense

everything is amplified when your together and when your apart

 

but they either end or you move to the same place in a reasonable time frame

 

good luck

jack

[PAdreamer]

That's funny, Jackson. I must be mistaking my own happiness for complete and utter failure. I get pretty ticked off with people who try to tell me that my relationship doesn't work, and then they list all of these reasons as to why. Guess what! If we had the means to be together right now, we WOULD be! We can't control the economy! This is why we are working on it. What ever happened to the people who believed "love conquers all"?! Am I the only one left? I think the world we live in has a very sick view of what love should be. It used to be that lovers were separated by great distances, and they wrote letters and sent gifts, and when the time was right they would finally come together and get married. That WORKED for them. Now the mindset is that you have to have everything RIGHT NOW. And if you CAN'T get it right now, then it isn't worth your time. You know what the two greatest things that I have learned from my relationship are? 1) Patience, and 2) Great things are WORTH waiting and working for

 

As a rule, most people don't understand the benefits of a long distance relationship. They assume that those of us who are IN an LDR are there because we're afraid to commit, afraid to be close. I spend every day of my life wishing that I was there with him. I spend every day remembering how great those three weeks with him were, and getting angry that such a ridiculous thing as money got in the way of me staying.

 

I guess what I'm saying is this: I don't go around to people in conventional relationships telling them all the reasons why I don't think they will work out. Why can't people just be happy for those of us in great relationships, no matter what TYPE of a relationship it is?! If we're happy, shouldn't that be all that matters?

[jackson5045]

for PAdreamer

with all due respect i might have thought that way at 19 too love

money is in the way is it ?

pity this great and powerful love of yours cant overcome dollars!

 

you will pardon me if i think that 3 dozen years of life experince out ranks what you did in high school but i have been round the block a time or two and know this world in ways that you cant imagine PA

 

i have had long distance relationships an dso have other people i know

the combined years of those relationships are longer than th eamount o ftime you have been alive

 

i imagine that your boyfriend is what 19 to early twenties ?

dont worry though i am sure hes not tempted by other women especially being that you have absolutely no shot of catching him cheating even if he did

 

ho wlong have you been in this for PA ? i know people who have done long distance relationships for 5 years ! do you have that in you ?

[PAdreamer]

It's disgusting, the things people can come up with to try and convince happy people that what they have means nothing. First of all, I'm not in high school. Second of all, my age doesn't make me stupid or naive. Third, my boyfriend is actually NOT 19, or even in his early 20s. And not that it's any of your business, but I said money was the problem AT THE TIME. I didn't say it was a problem now.

 

And no matter who you are or what you've done or seen, no one's experiences pull any more weight than anyone else's. You may have seen hundreds of things, but that doesn't always make you smarter or wiser than the people around you. You have no idea about who I am or what I'VE seen, so don't assume that you have this great knowledge that I know nothing about.

 

Believe it or not, I'm willing to wait forever for this man, and I trust him to be faithful. That is what relationships are ABOUT. Trust. If he cheats on me, I wouldn't know. But that doesn't mean I shouldn't trust him.

[rosalind24]

I'm in for a 4 year LDR too, in which I will see my boyfriend no more than 1 months a year, and no more than once a year. We're happy and we're determined to make it work.

 

Right now.. we're half a year down and 3.5 more to go.

[jackson5045]

eventually you will realise that life experience comes in time

and you will look back to the way that you are now thinking that you know everything and realise how wrong you were

 

i am not trying to pooh pooh your happiness

you critisised my opinion first

 

you say that love conquers all !

it hasnt conquered the distance has it ?

and if hes not twenties or teens ? how old ?

 

if your happy thats great and i dont want to undermine that

but again you critisised my opinion first

[tea]

She criticised your opinions because you offended her views and mocked her situation.

 

A lot of us are in LDRs and we hold different views from you. A friend of mine recently got married after 8 years of LDR, and she's currently 34, when he's 38. Just because your's didn't work out doesn't mean other people's won't. Maybe you're just less determined than some of us.

[DBL]

A lot of relationships fail today. I think we just hear about the Long distance relationship not working out more because we don't talk about regular relationships not working.

 

I been in a couple of long distance relationships...from when I attempted college to when I met someone that did not live near me.

 

The bad part about long distance relationships is that you don't get the real feel for the person. A few weeks does not tell you much about a person. You lose this in a long distance relationship. Sometimes it takes several months to years before people really start to get to know their partner. People always put on their good side for a while. You just do not get the time to find out stuff about each other. Unfortunately talking on the phone and in messages still does not give you the real idea of what that person is truly about. Those that are involved with a long distance relationship may feel i'm wrong and feel that their relationship is special, but only time will really tell.

 

Anyway...nothing wrong with giving it a shot, you never know. Percentage of break ups are probably just as high as a normal relationship, only in a normal relationship you are aware of the problems a lot sooner.

 

DBL

[jackson5045]

yes tea your absolutely right

maybe i am just not as determined or maybe she wasnt or whatever

 

but i am still entitled to my opinion

and she could have posted hers disagreeing with me all she liked

but she didnt have to aim that opinion at me by name now did she?

[PAdreamer]

Tea, you are my new best friend!

 

I admit that I get very much on the defensive when someone starts telling me that my relationship won't work. How do you know that? You don't, and that is my point. Sure, a lot of LDRs fail. But so do a lot of conventional relationships. So what makes us the target? And at no point did I ever say that I think I know everything, or even a lot. I simply said that I am not stupid or naive. And our love HAS conquered the distance. Sure it hasn't made the distance go away, but it hasn't let it rip us apart either. We've made the distance work for us, and THAT is how we've conquered it. And as far as my boyfriend's age, I did not say he was not in his 20's. I said he was not in his early 20s, as you had guessed.

[jackson5045]

if your happy - be happy

good for you

 

would love you to keep me updated on how things go

really

 

best of luck to you

[Cougar_20]

For most, long distance relationships are just too hard, especially on younger people. I was in one for two years and you just start too feel like you are wasting your youth eventually. When you are away at college and there are hundreds of attractive guys and girls around all the time, it makes it very hard.

 

On one hand, if you love someone enough it should work. But on the other hand, you only live once and if you waste the best years of your life being tied down with someone that you hardly ever see, it could be a huge mistake if you don't end up together. That's just the way I see it.

[OldGuy]

That's funny, Jackson. I must be mistaking my own happiness for complete and utter failure. I get pretty ticked off with people who try to tell me that my relationship doesn't work

 

You get him PA.

[Meow18]

Some long distance relationships work, some don't. Just because your doesn't work doesn't mean someone else's can't.

 

My grandparents were separated for 4 years because my grandpa had to go to war (WWII). They didn't see each other or talk to eah other for 4 years. All they had were writing letters back and forth. They made it though. They are still happy today & they celebrated their 60th wedding anniversary a couple years ago. Their love was so strong to be able to get through that. They could have easily given up and thought that it wasn't worth it, but they knew they would be together again & just knowing that, they got through it. Because of what they went through, I believe long distance relationships can work.

 

My boyfriend goes to school an hour away & we can only see each other like once a week. Of course, I feel lucky that I get to see him that much, even though I would like to see him more. It could be worse though. We have been together for almost 2 years now & there's no doubt in my mind that we will make it through the distance. We both love each other & we tell each other everything & we trust each other completely.

 

Like PAdreamer said, you have to have trust that the other person won't cheat. As long as your communication is good & you trust the other person, what can stop your relationship from working?

 

PAdreamer, I really admire the fact that you stand up for your relationship like that. No one else can say whether its going to work or not, only you know in your heart. If you truly love someone, you should give it a chance, whether they live 5 miles away or 5000 miles away. Just because most people think long distance relationships can't work, doesn't mean it won't. Anything is possible.

[tea]

I think jackson's saying that if we don't plan on meeting up at some point and eliminating the distance it won't work. ...duh...

 

PA has a plan of getting back together with her boyfriend, she mentioned it a couple of times in her past posts.

 

I have a plan of getting back together with my boyfriend too.

 

Right now I can't. With the war in Iraq and politics back home, we HAVE to be apart. It isn't to say that we don't love each other and don't want to be together.

 

PA has to be in school and her boyfriend needs to work, but she did talk about how she planned on getting back together.

 

We're not exactly dreamers who enjoy being in the moment. We're more like planners who's willing to give up the moment for something better in the foreseeable future.

 

(I'm in college, and I can care less about those hot college guys. I just don't like them that way.)

[PAdreamer]

I am right there with you Tea. I agree that being in an LDR with no plans of closing the gap is sort of weird. I can't imagine why people would do that, but I suppose some do. And I don't look at the other guys on campus either. LOL! I don't see the point. As far as I'm concerned, I'm engaged without the ring. No reason to look.

 

And yes, I am planning to be closer to Aaron next year. I'm applying to a university near him, and hopefully I'll be accepted. And if they don't accept me in the fall next year, then I'll apply for winter term, then spring term.... Until they get sick of my applications and say yes! But until then, I'll just keep planning trips and get-togethers for us!

[arwen]

Hi Jackson,

 

I am 24 years old, and have had relationships before this one. I am in a LDR right now. You say it's a laundrylist and name one reason. So come up with a list!

 

You say about PA that 19 is not mature enough to know love. How can you say such a thing about another person? And if I may go with you in generalizing: men often mature much later than women.

 

I am very happy in the relationship, and since we speak daily, I can say that is more than in previous relationships. You tell us about the effect of a magnifying glass. I see that as an advantage and I will tell you why. Often, when a relationship between two people comes into existence, there are a lot of factors. For example, two people can share the same job, or live very near. A lot of those people stay together out of a feeling of convenience or safety. The fact that in an LDR you really have to make the effort, takes away the other reasons people have relationships. My friends sometimes get involved with men who want them for sex. A lot of confusion and tears is the result of this. The magnifying effect is that things are CLEAR, in my opinion. I KNOW I really really like this guy, because I like talking to him and getting to know him by letters/phone. I see him once in two months. Of course we plan to move together somewhere. But now it's simply impossible.

 

I hope you understand this reasoning. Plus I wonder from which source your knowledge originates. Is it year long experience of do you want to put everything on your age? Just curious.

 

PAdreamer, are you with me on this one? Kinda curious.

 

Ilse

[Lily04]

I am currently in a LDR, although I'm thinking of ending it..in any case, I just wanted to say that someone made a very good point that LDR forces you to be more committed & mature in a relationship. You would not be in one unless you realized that there is something worth keeping & something that can span and yet close the distance between you. The ones that don't work out, for the most part I'd assume are for the reasons why normal relationships don't -- it's not necessarily because of the distance, but because there was something lacking in the relationship. If you truly love each other, you will want to talk with the person everyday if you can & make it seem like you're together -- you'll bridge the distance in other ways. And you stay together because of that love & because of the hope (or recognition) that the relationship is going somewhere, and so you will at some point get back together.

 

But I also agree with what a previous poster said..if you're still young & not ready for commitment, you'll know and maybe long-distance won't work for that reason. That is one of the main reasons why I'm considering breaking up with my bf..he's my first bf & I want to experience what's out there a little more because making such a commitment. But for some people it's not a problem - it's all up to the individuals involved. In my belief, there are no 'rules' about it.

[ayekasong]

Hey everyone! Thanks for all the replies! I am glad to see that I am not the only one who gets tired of being told my LDR won't work.

 

Just like tea, my bf and I have no choice but to be apart. I'm out of school... I needed a job. His town is not littered with jobs for recent grads. Besides, I wanted to live abroad at least once in my life. I can do this and when my contract is over in a year, I won't be questioning what could have been. By all means, I plan on going back and living near my bf when this is over. By then he'll have a job (hopefully) and both of our futures will be heading in a more stable direction. But I really dislike how some of my friends insist this won't work. It worked for 2 years prior to this... true we won't see each other as often, but we are in contact via AIM everyday. Time is going by so fast for both of us that it doesn't feel much different. And we will see each other in December.

 

If I hadn't done this living abroad thing, I would have regretted it. I'm glad I did it, and I'm glad my bf is so supportive of it. I don't regret my choice and I intend to make it work.

[Lily04]

That's awesome, ayekasong. I'm sure everything will work out for you. =)