Cougar_20

Honestly, most guys know that it's not smart to let a girl know that you like them right away. It takes all of the mystery out of the initial relationship. Whenever I start dating a girl, I make sure they know that I'm interested, but am also sure to not let them know that I "like" them.

Sounds a lot like the last girl I dated. I caught her lying a few times; the worst one was when I caught her talking to an ex-boyfriend. I tried to break up with her but she begged and pleaded for me back. I figured the lies weren't that big of a deal, and I did care for her a lot, so I took her back after she swore up and down that she would change and be more honest. I ended up walking in on her bangin another guy. Best thing that ever happened to me. Take my story for what it's worth.

Definitely didn't change my base personality, just learned how to communicate better. My personality may have changed to other people, but I remained the same because most of the things that I say now are things that I wanted to say before, but was too shy to. If anything changed, it may have been my ability to flirt with girls, but I don't see that as a bad thing!

It's been a long journey from my shy akward high school days, but I'm here to say that you can change! I never had a girlfiend in high school, mostly because i was so shy around them and fell into the friend zone all the time. Finally after my freshman year of college I got into a relationship with a girl, but she had a lot of problems. She had a history of cheating, drugs, and so on, but for some reason I didnt think i could do any better, so I settled. And I was with her for 3 years, until you guessed it, i caught her cheating on me. The day that I caught her cheating on me was the best day of my life. Shortly after that, I moved back down to school in an apartment all by myself. Since it was my 5th year of college, many of my friends had moved away or started to settle down with their significant others. I was all alone in a town where I hardly knew anyone, and was still grieving from the break up. I officially hit rock bottom. One day I woke up and decided that I was gong to do whatever i had to do to change my life around. I was going to break out of this shyness and develop a strong sense of confidence. People had always said that I was attractive, but I never could "attract" a girl. I just couldn't figure out why. So I scouered the internet, and found two pieces of advice that really changed my life for the better. The first was to get a job where you work around a lot of people and are forced to talk to them. So even though it was against my being, I decided to get a part time job waiting tables. It was one of the hardest things in the world to do at first, but it completely helped me to overcome my shyness. Even though you are serving people, it still allows you to approach all different kinds of people, including good looking girls, and you realize that it really isn't that bad. It also helped me vastly improve my communcation skills with people. The second was a website that i stumbled upon that started delivering weekly newsletters to my email. Some of you will know who I'm talking about.These newsletters pretty much said that if you are confident, a little cocky, and funny with a girl, they will be putty in your hands. At first I thought it was complete BS, but I figured, what the hell, ill give it a try. Well to my surprise, it worked like magic. Who would have thought that teasing and being kinda mean to girls in a joking manner would have such a huge effect on them. Before long, just about every girl that I worked with wanted to get with me. I couldn't believe it. After I graduated in december, I felt like a new man. Shortly after, I moved in with my childhood best friend, along with two of his friends and had the time of my life. From January to August I literally dated dozens of women, and now I was the picky one. No more feeling desperate, no more feeling like I couldn't do any better. I was happy with myself for the first time in my life. In August, right around the one year anneversary of my last breakup, I found a girl worthy of me and my time. She is everything that I want in a girl, and being with her these last 9 months has been amazing. The whole point of this post is that you can change your life around if you are shy and lack self confidence, but you have to take control of your life. Stop feeling sorry for youself and do something about it!

I wouldn't stress about it too much. It sounds like this guy you are seeing is a lot like me when it comes to dating. And from my perspective it sounds like he has been burned in the past when he opens up too soon. From my past experiences, it seems that the more that I compliment a girl and the more that I tell her how I feel, the quicker they seem to lose interest. (Keep in mind that I'm only 23 and have delt with a lot of immature girls.) IMO, as long as his actions towards you are what you would expect out of a guy, I wouldn't worry.

I went through a similar situation. Was with a girl and everything seemed to be perfect. We rarely fought, got along perfectly, and everything seemed to be just fine. One day she admitted to me that she had cheated on me while we were together. Since I never caught her, and she did admit it to me I decided to give her another chance. She said all of the same things... she said she had changed... she said that she would spend the rest of her life making her mistake up to me... she said she would do whatever it took to get me to trust her again... The end result? Two months later I caught her right in the middle of screwing another guy. So all I can say is been there, done that. I still know that this girl loves me even 7 months later, but sometimes love just isn't enough. Move on with life girl.

I've been dating this one girl for a few weeks and i usually introduce her the same way by saying she is my friend, and she introduces me the same way. I wouldn't look into this too much. How would you expect him to introduce you if you two don't even know where you stand? It's much easier just to say, this is my friend so and so.... for now at least.

Thanks for the replies. It truley is great to finally get over that hump. As far as this new girl is concerned, I've already kissed her and she has already made it perfectly clear that she likes me, so I'm not really worried about ending up in the friends zone. I guess it's just weird to have all of these feelings come back that I havent felt in a long time. I did call her tonight just to talk for a bit and she invited me to go out with her again, but I told her i really didn't feel like going out. I'm sure if we continue to see each other, we'll eventually have "the talk," but so far most of our conversations have been very light hearted and impersonal. I guess when that situation comes up I'll make it clear to her how I feel about everything.

This is my first time back on these boards in quite sometime and I just wanted to make a post about some of the things that I have gone through and how to handle the current situation that I'm in. I stumbled upon this site back in early September when I broke up with my girlfrend of three years for cheating on me. I actually came back to retrieve the thread I made at that time to see how stupid I sounded. Here is the link to that thread: link removed For anyone that is going through a break up and feels like they will never get over it, I promise that you will. I went from being completely in love with my girl feeling and believing that nothing was really wrong, to walking in on her screwing some other guy. The pain I felt in those next two months or so was unbearable. I tried to convince myself that she could change and eventually we could get back together, but over time I realized that I would never be able to trust her again. I was eventually able to heal through no contact and going out and keeping myself busy. Nearly six months has passed from the day of our break up and up until recently my heart had turned to stone. I had plenty of chances to date single attractive women while I was down at school, but I brushed all of them off. Maybe I just wasnt ready, maybe I wasn't over my ex yet, maybe i didnt want to get involved when i knew i was moving home soon, who knows. I graduated in december and moved back home and have been waiting tables because I really need a break from everything and am not ready to get a "real" job yet. About three weeks ago I started seeing this girl that I work with and it seems like for the first time I can feel again, if that makes any sense. This girl is amazing, everything I could want in a girl. She is cute, classy, fun to be around, has a dynomite personality, and she has respect for herself and the people around her. She loves to go out and have fun, but is a good girl at the same time, which is a hard combonation to find these days. I guess the problem is that I'm really starting to like this chick and it's scaring me. This is the only girl that I've had any kind of feelings for since my break up, and I've been around a lot of girls these past few months. We've hung out together three of the last four nights (only once alone though, the other two nights were with several friends around) and I kinda feel like things may be moving a little too fast. I wasn't going to do anything with her last night, but she called ME and invited me to go out with her and her friends, and so I did and had a great time. I feel like I'm walking a fine line here. I really like hanging out with this girl, but my brain is telling me that I have to take things very slow. Not only do I want to keep myself from getting too involved too soon, but I also don't want to scare this girl off. But at the same time I want her to know that I am interested in her and not messing with her head. I'm thinking about not calling her for a day or two to let things cool off a little bit even though we've seen each other a lot the past few days. Is this a good idea, or will it convey the wrong message? There really isn't that much basis for me making this post, I just felt like I had to get a few things off of my chest. I've come a long way since August when I walked in on my ex, and honestly I can now say it was the best thing that ever happened to me. Looking back, I don't think we were really meant to be. For people going through a break-up, stay strong, good things will come to you. Love is a confusing game with the highest of highs and the lowest of lows. I've been through both and hopefully I won't ever get as low as I was six months ago.

Well here is my take on everything. You can be a nice guy and still get girls, but you can't do it by just being nice. The problem with nice guys is they often get labeled as pushovers. If you are constantly kissing a girls butt and doing everything that she wants (the ideal nice guy routine), most girls get bored with that pretty fast. You have to create attraction between the two of you. Send her mixed signals. Hit on her big time one day, then don't talk to her for two days. Buy her flowers on your own terms, then ignore her for a week. It's all about building attraction between yourself and another girl and you simply can't do that without playing games and using the nice guy routine alone. I've gotten a lot more girls myself by using this routine. I am never disrespectful, dishonest, or even a jerk to these girls, I just keep them on their toes and it works like a charm. Sure I may tease them a little bit, and maybe be a bit of a smarta**, but that is my natural personality and is how I act around everyone, but I am never disrespectful. In my mind, the only "jerks" are the ones that lie, cheat, abuse, and disrespect women. We just all have to come to realize that you have to play games in dating. You can't put it all out there initially and expect to be successful with women. It really is a damn shame too, because sometimes you just want to call her or tell her how you feel so badly, but you just know that you can't. Women are crazy I tell you, the one and only thing I've learned about women is that they just don't know what the hell they want.

There is a lot of truth in this thread. You can still be a nice guy and pull women, you just have to challenge them at the same time. I am proud of the fact that I am a nice guy, but I'm not so nice when someone tried to step on my toes. I stand very firmly by the things that I believe in life, and am not scared to let anyone know how I feel. But at the same time, I am honest, compassionate and loving towards the people that I care for. In this world you have to establish respect for yourself in every situation, and once you have the ability to do that, you will have the world in your hands. Don't let people walk all over you, don't comprimise your values, and stand up for what you believe in. If you can do this, while being a nice guy, you will get women. Respect, self confidence, and strong beliefs that you stand by are more important than anything else.

LDR's are very very hard, more so for girls I think. My girl and I made it through two years until her wondering mind finally got the best of her and we broke up. She is 21 and has had a boyfriend since the age of 14, so I guess I understand where she is coming from. You just have to let them go and let them come back to you. Stop conversing with her immediately and let her have her space.

Just tell him that you want to take things very slow. I've just started to date again after breaking up with my girl two months ago, so I know what you are going through. I went out with a girl two weeks ago, had a great time, she was beautiful, smart, funny, and we got along great. But she honestly scared the crap out of me because I told her that I wanted to take things very slow and after I got off work the next she had left 4 text messages and 2 voice mails asking if I wanted to hang out. Pretty much the same thing for the next three or four days. It completely turned me off to her and I pretty much told her I didn't want to see her again. Maybe I was speaking in broken English when I told her that I wanted to take things very very slow! So yeah, just don't rush into anything right now if you're not over your ex. I know im not yet and getting into another relationship so fast would probably be the worst thing in the world for me.

For most, long distance relationships are just too hard, especially on younger people. I was in one for two years and you just start too feel like you are wasting your youth eventually. When you are away at college and there are hundreds of attractive guys and girls around all the time, it makes it very hard. On one hand, if you love someone enough it should work. But on the other hand, you only live once and if you waste the best years of your life being tied down with someone that you hardly ever see, it could be a huge mistake if you don't end up together. That's just the way I see it.

I feel you bro, I know exactly what you are going through. The funny thing is that unless a person is going though this, they have no idea what it is like. I see people all the time with hair far worse than mine, and I don't think anything of it, but when I first noticed it and looked in the mirror I felt like I was losing my whole self image. Lucky for us we live in a time where there are ways to stop hairloss, especially at a young age. When I noticed my hair starting to fall out around my 19th birthday, I freaked out and did a ton of research on it. I got myself on a regimine and as I approach my 23rd birthday, I have maintained most my hair. There are only two proven treatments for fighting hairloss. Rogaine and propecia. Using those two combined with the shampoo nizoral seems to be the best way to combat hairloss in this day in age. Also, as technology improves, there will most certainly be an improvement in hair restoration surgery and probably a cure sometime in our lives. These drug companies are finally realizing how large of a market there is out there, and the first one to find a cure will make millions and millions of dollors overnight. If you have any questions, feel free to send me a pm and I'll be happy to answer them.

The book is called "The New Birth Order Book" by Dr. Kevin Leman. It talks a lot about how the oldest in the family tends to be a perfectionist for several reasons. I highly recommend this book. It was almost scary how right he was about the way I am just from knowing that I am the first born child.

Well it's good to see that there are others out there like me, well not that it's a good thing... but, um yeah, you know what I mean. Thanks for the book suggestion NYCB, I think I might have to check it out. Swedeance, I just read through your whole thread and it seems that you and I share some of the same problems. One question that I would like to ask all of my fellow perfectionists out there 8), are you the first born child in your family? I'm just wondering because I read a book about how first born and only children tend to be perfectionists, which is what I am. That book did help me to at least understand why I am the way I am. Being a perfectionist does have it's perks though, for example, I'm probably the most self motivated person that you will ever meet. Once I put my mind to something, I will get it done. But the one thing that I have realized is what is the point of being successful in everything that I do if I can't sit back and enjoy the benefits of success? Unless I do something 100% perfect, I'm not satisfied, and if I do feel satisfied, it usually isn't for long. Success does not equal happiness in my life. I want to be a more optimistic person. I was at a friends wedding the other night and the mother of the bride was telling a story about how optimistic her daughter was. Her mother said that she would yell at her daughter all the time for making a mess in the house so one day her mother took her three daughters and drove by the most run down house in town. The windows were bashed out, weeds out of control, chipped paint everywhere, and the mother told the daughters that they were going to move into that house since they didn't know how to clean up. Two of the girls started to cry, but the other (the bride) smiled and said, well we can plant some flowers, do some painting, mow the yard, replace the windows, yada yada yada. How does someone become that optimistic about things? Just a stupid little story that I thought I would share. It kinda hit home with me for some reason. When I am able to sit down and look at the big picture, I realize how lucky I am in life. I'd say I am more fortunant with what I have than 99% of the people in this world. Hell, more than half of the people in this world done even have good food to eat or a roof over their head. Yet the civilized people are the ones that seem to fall into deep depression. I blame it on the media, the media brainwashes us to believe in all the wrong things and it really pisses me off. I don't even watch TV anymore unless it's a sporting event, and even then I mute the commercials when I'm alone. We are all brainwashed in this country, I'm just pissed off that it took me so long to realize it. Discuss...

Ever since my recent breakup I've been trying to find answers to a lot of things in my life. One of the things that I could never really explain was the fact that at times I have low self esteem and feel down about myself. When I am able take a step back and look at the big picture, I have absolutely no reason at all to do so. I'm pretty good looking, have a lot of friends, and pretty much anything that I have ever put my mind to I have succeeded. The thing that I have realized through all of this "soul searching" is that whenever I do even the smallest thing wrong it drives me crazy and brings me down more than it should. For example, I had a job interview last week. When I step back and look at the whole picture, I know that the interview went great. We sat their and talked for a while and he really seemed to like me. But there was one point during the interview when I kinda stumbled through a question. For the next two or three days all I could think about was how I screwed up everything because I muffed one question out of the many that I was asked. Another example, I played college baseball all the way up to last year when my eligability ran out. There were very few games that I left feeling good about the way that I or my team played. I could have went 3 for 4, but if one of those at bats was a poor one, that is the only thing that would stick out in my mind. I know that my problems are very petty compared to the problems of most of the people in the world, so I'm not looking for any kind of sympathy or anything, just maybe a little advice. Any good books or websites that deal with this subject? I need to learn to be more optimistic about things. It seems that I alway look at things in a negative way.

Thanks a lot oceaneyes, your post really answered a lot of my questions.

Thanks for the advice guys, while it may be harsh, I can't say that I really disagree with any of it. But nobody really answered my question. I know that there is no excuse for cheating, but the question was can someone like this change their life around? As soon as she got down to school she started to see a therapist and we talk every week after her meetings. They seem to be opening a lot of doors for her, and she is beginning to realize the repercussions of her actions. She also started reading a book on sexual celabecy in the hope of recapturing the true meaning of sex. So she seems to be taking steps in the right direction. I know that I made her out to be a horrible person in my first post, but she really isn't at all. She comes from a good, strong, loving, religious family, so deep down she knows what's right and what's wrong, she just got under the influence of some bad people during high school. I've pretty much moved on with my life for now. While I still get sad and angry at times, I've pretty much accepted what has happened and put my faith in God that everything will turn out okay. I'm not the kind of person that lets things like this bring me down to the point where I don't want to do anything. If anything it makes me strive harder to become successful in life. I've told her that if I am able to forgive her, I may be able to give her another chance once May rolls around and we have both graduated from college if and only if I really believe that she has changed for the better. But that is a very long time away, a lot of things can happen in that time period, so who knows.

Hello all, this is my first post here, and am looking for some advice. I just broke up with my girlfriend of three years for cheating on me, and am wondering what to do next. By now everyone is probably saying the same thing that I said at first, once a cheater always a cheater, there is no way you can trust someone like that again. That was my first reaction and that is what I told her what would become of us after I found out, we were done. After a few days without her, I realized that for me to make peace with this situation I needed answers. I needed to know why this person who seemed to love me so much could do something like that to me. Well when I finally cracked the vault, all of her deepest emotions came pooring out. Emotions that had been trapped inside of her for many years, even before we met. Let me start from the beginning to give you all some background information. I met her during the summer of 2002 at a party and we clicked that first night. We were both young (me 19 her 18) and were just out to have a good time, not looking for anything serious at all. We ended up having sex the second night that we met (can you say huge mistake?). After that I figured that was going be the end of her, but she ended up calling me about a month later and asked me to do something. I agreed and we continued to do that for a couple more months. The more that we hung out with each other, the more we started to fall for each other. Despite the fact that we got so intimate so fast, we really were perfect for each other. The rest of that school year was amazing as we had completely fallen for each other. The next year we both transfered schools in order to accomplish our own personal goals. We remained together despite being three hours apart and even though we were so quick to throw our sexuality around at first, I really did trust her for some reason. That school year and the next came and went, and we were still together. That brings us to this summer. We were both so exited to be able to spend the summer together, and the whole summer went by very well. We even took a 3 day vacation together, where we were very close to buying a time share thing together for the future. I thought everything was all good. The week before we went on that vacation I went down to Florida for a week without her, and apparently this is when she met this guy. She cheated on him with me and I ended up finding out. When I did find out I told her it was over and started to move on, but I just couldn't understand why she would do that to me, so I went back to her for answers. Right before me and her started seeing each other, she had just gotten out of a 4 year relationship that started when she was 14. I knew that this guy wasn't good for her, but apparently it was much worse than I ever thought. He was a crazy control freak that tore her apart emotionally. He was 17 when they first started going out and they started having sex only a few short months after they got together. She said that this guy was crazy about sex in general. Whenever she would go over to his house to see her, he would immediately try to get her up to his room to have sex. Now, I'm no expert, but I know that isn't normal behavior in a relationship. After she turned 16, she tried to break up with him, but the guy was crazy. He would threaten to kill himself, show up at her house, and do all other crazy things. I told her that wasn't any excuse for staying with him, but she said that she just couldn't break it off with him. Well she ended up starting to see other people behind his back. One of these guys that she was seeing tried to rape her one night, which really messed her up in the head even worse. She said that they were hanging out and she ended up passing out. When she came too, he had a condom on and was trying to get her clothes off. She ended up getting out of there okay, but not without a struggle. So anyway, back to us. As time went on and our feelings for each other really progressed, though our sex life never did. While we were crazy in love, the sex we had together was still mechanical, unemotional, and without much passion. It always felt like we were just going through the motions. After we got done, she would just roll over and go to sleep. The sex that we had was physically fulfilling, we both got off, but that seemed to be our only goal when we did have sex. There was never much kissing or touching or anything once we actually started having sex. I knew at the time that something was wrong, but I couldn't get anything out of her. The more I tried to make the sex more emotionally involved, the more she seemed to not like it. She always liked it "hard." (hopefully that doesn't affend anyone) I eventually just convinced myself that was just the way she was and I couldn't change it. As we really got to talking she said that she honestly hated having sex and always had. She says that she yearns to feel special during sex, and that is why she cheated on me. I guess she figured that she would find more affection with someone she hardly knew... stupid, I know. She said that she had hit rock bottom in her life and it was all because of sex. The way her boyfriend treated her, her near rape, and the lack of affection in our relationship. Well I told her that there still wasn't any excuse for cheating on me no matter what, and she understands that. Last week we both left for our last year of college and right now we are broken up, but still do communicate a little bit. She swears up and down that she is going to change her life around. She has her first meeting with a therapist tomorrow, and she vows that she is not going to have sex again until she is married. The only reason that I have agreed to stay in contact with her (mostly just through emails) if because she says that she needs someone to talk to about her meetings with her therapist and needs some encouragement and everything every once in a while. She tells me all the time, "I'm going to change, just wait and see." I told her that our chances of getting together this school year were pretty much non existent, but she agreed with that and said that she was going to spend this time to find herself. She has been in a relationships ever since she was 14, and she says that she really just needs to be alone for a while anyway. I have absolutely no knowledge dealing with people who have had bad sexual experiences in the past. How easy is it for these people to change? Besides seeing a doctor every week, is there anything else that she can do to get through this? A large part of me hates her for what she did, and honestly I'm not sure I'll ever be able to forgive her, but I'll only be able to dictate that with time. I have always known deep down that she had some kind of emotional problems with sex, but I had no idea what to do about it and it always bothered me. I am fine with not having sex until we are married, if we do end up getting back together. She says that would help put a lot of the meaning back into sex, the meaning and emotions that she has so desperately needs. Maybe she is just using this for an excuse, but I really really doubt it. Even though she tore my heart out and danced all over it, I'm still not sure I can give up on her yet completely.