Marriage, Men, Feminism, ????

[Fudgie]

I too am worried about the damages of divorce. However, I do not want kids and I won't marry anyone without a prenup. That's just me. Something to consider. You don't have to bond yourself to someone in the form of kids nor do you have to make everything you own and earn theirs too in the way of marital assets.

[EQIQ]

This is true. I believe if you get married after the age of 25, have a college degree, have a job or are in school, have parents who are not divorced, and have been dating your partner for at least 2 years then your likelihood of divorce drops down to 10-15 percent. Basically, if you have a good head on your shoulders and direction in life, you should be fine when you get married.

 

I hope you are correct, I really really do lol. Because we are right on that criteria. Well her parent's were separated before she was born, but... 80% right on lol.

[Seraphim]

This is true. I believe if you get married after the age of 25, have a college degree, have a job or are in school, have parents who are not divorced, and have been dating your partner for at least 2 years then your likelihood of divorce drops down to 10-15 percent. Basically, if you have a good head on your shoulders and direction in life, you should be fine when you get married.

 

 

So for my friends in happy marriages, there are a few similar themes:

 

1. Feeling of belonging

2. Feeling of family

3. Feeling of being part of a team

 

For good marriages, there's a real sense of support. It's partnership that morphs from dating to relationship to marriage to family. It is the growth and acceptance that comes with time and unconditional love.

 

This is true of us too. We had been going out for 5 years and had graduated University. He was 3 months away from his 25th birthday when we married and I was 27. We are still married today 18 and a half years later. His parents have been married for 54 years but mine are divorced.

 

Yes you get the below out of marriage and more. You also get love and someone to be with. After all as a social species I do not believe people want to be perpetually alone.

1. Feeling of belonging

2. Feeling of family

3. Feeling of being part of a team

[Moontiger]

Here we go: link removed

 

According to this the divorce rate is actually around 40% not 50% (still way to high but at least better odds then flipping a coin!) You'll also see from the chart that people who get married after the age of 30 have much lower divorce rates.

[journeynow]

^ Thanks, Moontiger. I wonder about those rates. As they say "probably 40 percent" will end in divorce but that is actually a "projection". Are they measuring actual marriages over people's lifetimes, or comparing marriage and divorce numbers overall at this time?

[OptomisticGirl]

I don't think age, education status, or having had divorce parents factors in to whether you get divorced or not. For me that negates responsibility of the parties involved. 'Oh we just got married before we were 25 and neither of us had a college education' - when in fact they simply just had poor communication skills that traveled over into the marriage.

[camus154]

I don't think age, education status, or having had divorce parents factors in to whether you get divorced or not. For me that negates responsibility of the parties involved. 'Oh we just got married before we were 25 and neither of us had a college education' - when in fact they simply just had poor communication skills that traveled over into the marriage.

 

Statistics would disagree with you. Yes, ultimately it boils down to personal responsibility of those involved, but how people respond to circumstances in their lives is absolutely influenced by external factors such as upbringing, age, etc.

 

For instance, in your own example you're ignoring the correlation between effective communication skills and a) maturity, b) overall education. A 19 year old high school drop out will 9 times out of 10 make for a less effective communicator than a 38 year old with a PhD.

[OptomisticGirl]

Statistics would disagree with you. Yes, ultimately it boils down to personal responsibility of those involved, but how people respond to circumstances in their lives is absolutely influenced by external factors such as upbringing, age, etc.

 

For instance, in your own example you're ignoring the correlation between effective communication skills and a) maturity, b) overall education. A 19 year old high school drop out will 9 times out of 10 make for a less effective communicator than a 38 year old with a PhD.

 

Well I don't think life should be led by statistics, there are always the wild cards that statistics can't explain - those who got married a month after knowing each other and were married for 50 years vs. the couple who dated for 2.5 years, engaged for 1.5, and ended up divorced by their 10 year anniversary. Of course there ARE factors to consider but I don't think they automatically mean x, y, and z will or won't happen, that's were the individuals come into play. All I'm saying is two people can be perfect on paper together and fall beautifully into those statistics listed, but not make it because of something wrong with one or both of them or their communication skills. Simply being able to tick a list off that you meet x, y and z statistic does not mean your relationship will have it made and last.

[superfan]

I wouldn't say that statistics are the be all and end all when it comes to whether a marriage will work, but they do indicate a pattern that people might want to be aware of if they wish to avoid BEING a statistic.

 

For example, most marriages that are successful are marriages in which the couple is over the age of 25, and have some kind of post secondary education. This indicates the pattern that successful couples are those who have been together for a while, and who are of an age where they know who they are and what they want out of life (I am 30 now and definitely NOT the same person I was at the age of 20. I am definitely more secure in who I am now), and they have definite goals that they have already begun to pursue. Most of the time, they are a little more secure financially as well.

 

This is not true in all cases of course. There are examples of younger couples who have good mature outlooks on life, or who are able to weather the storm of their 20s as they grow and change and who have good enough communication skills and determination as a couple to make things succeed. There are many people over 25 that couldn't make a relationship work to save their lives...but the odds go up in your favour if you are a bit older and have some degree of education.

 

As for why it is worth it?

 

So so many reasons - having someone to care for you when you are sick

Always having someone to share an inside joke with, or talk to about your day

Never having to deal with a bad situation alone

Having numerous good memories and exciting adventures that you share with your spouse

Constant love and support

Trust in someone completely

A best friend

 

I could go on....these are the things my husband (and hopefully I) do for each other every single day. I wouldn't change it for the world.

[EQIQ]

Well I don't think life should be led by statistics, there are always the wild cards that statistics can't explain - those who got married a month after knowing each other and were married for 50 years vs. the couple who dated for 2.5 years, engaged for 1.5, and ended up divorced by their 10 year anniversary. Of course there ARE factors to consider but I don't think they automatically mean x, y, and z will or won't happen, that's were the individuals come into play. All I'm saying is two people can be perfect on paper together and fall beautifully into those statistics listed, but not make it because of something wrong with one or both of them or their communication skills. Simply being able to tick a list off that you meet x, y and z statistic does not mean your relationship will have it made and last.

 

Sorry OG, but you better never play on the stockmarket... I understand that marriage and the stock market are completely different, but statistics are a definite teaching aid and shows what usually works, and what doesn't. It's like picking a random medicine with eyes closed from a box, hoping that it will cure your specific disease versus, taking the time to read the vials, and labels, and consulting with a pharmacists/doctor, as to what the general medicine to be used is.

 

It is true however, what works on paper, doesn't necessarily work in real life, but I much rather place my bet on the most likely outcome, than on random chance. If life was that way, I would pick up some random homeless girl that I never met before, that doesn't even speak my language, and marry. Heck it might work out...

 

I do see your point though. And I have seen it played out with people I know. They seemed to be the perfect couple, both from good families, no serious financial hardship.. etc. Husband cheated on wife, marriage over. And in another example, wife cheated on husband... There is always the chance for failure, and it is scary.

[OptomisticGirl]

I am not saying live life without thinking of the consequences or out comes - however I would not have based my decision on when to get married on statistics, no. By statistics I should be an emotionally damaged woman but I'm not, and this is were I have issue with statistics. They only cover a vague area and never go into the deep and real reasons behind the numbers. For instance, a couple divorcing because the husband hit the woman is far different for me than a couple who divorced because they had poor communication skills before marriage and never worked on them. So of the 40% of marriages that end in divorce, how many were due to abuse? Cheating? Poor communication? Two people simply growing apart? Statistics are a nice over view but they never go into the core and answer why. People see 40% of marriages fail and they are like 'Oh my god, marriage is scary!' - when in fact 30% of those marriages could have ended due to abuse and not simply failing apart due to bad communication.

[camus154]

Statistics aren't concerned about the reasons behind the numbers--they ARE the numbers. You extrapolate meaning FROM statistics. Used by themselves, they're just numbers that can be twisted to mean anything.

 

I understand what you mean about looking at just the divorce rate and freaking out over it. Yes, that does gloss over all the myriad reasons why. But at the end of the day, does it really matter why? The fact is, 40 or 50% of marriages still meet the same fate. It's up to the individual to interpret that as they see fit.

[OptomisticGirl]

Statistics aren't concerned about the reasons behind the numbers--they ARE the numbers. You extrapolate meaning FROM statistics. Used by themselves, they're just numbers that can be twisted to mean anything.

 

I understand what you mean about looking at just the divorce rate and freaking out over it. Yes, that does gloss over all the myriad reasons why. But at the end of the day, does it really matter why? The fact is, 40 or 50% of marriages still meet the same fate. It's up to the individual to interpret that as they see fit.

 

And that's the whole point - can be twisted to mean anything. For me a statistic is more valuable in making a decision when it goes more in depth. For me I think it does matter why the ended because as I said, someone divorcing an abusive spouse is a 'better' reason per say than someone who divorces a spouse because they never learned to communicate - if one doesn't want to divorce and fall into that % of marriage who do divorce, why would you NOT want to know were others failed so you then don't yourself if it can be helped? I'm a child of divorce, I learned very early on why my parents divorced (and why they never should have been married in the first place) and that knowledge echoes in my own marriage to my husband. Knowing what caused them to fail has caused me to take the steps to insure that I at least don't repeat their mistakes in my own. Knowledge is, after all, power.

[Moontiger]

I agree that the statistics are not everything. Still if you knew lets say, that if were to go to a certain street corner at noon on a Tuesday you would have a 40% change of being shot I doubt very much you would go to that street corner at noon on a Tuesday.

 

There are factors that simple make it more likely that a couple will stay together. It usually all comes down to stability when you really look at it.