Maroon Posted September 9, 2012 Share Posted September 9, 2012 My ex, the dumper, just asked me to return gifts she has given me during the relationship. Should I agree? Is this common behavior among exes? A bit confused. Link to comment
browneyedgirl36 Posted September 9, 2012 Share Posted September 9, 2012 Nope and nope. It's not common for a dumper to ask for gifts back (as far as I know), and you should NOT agree. Gifts are gifts. Once she gave them, they weren't hers anymore. It's one thing if she let you borrow something, but if she gave it to you for a birthday or other occasion, it's yours. It's pretty tacky, actually, for someone who dumped you to ask for their gifts back. Wow. The nerve of some people. Link to comment
Capricorn3 Posted September 9, 2012 Share Posted September 9, 2012 Once a gift is given - that's it. It's yours to keep. It was very tacky of her to ask for them back. She has no claim on the gifts she gave. Link to comment
markie6 Posted September 9, 2012 Share Posted September 9, 2012 It's much the same emotion involved as dumpees giving them back because they don't want them because of what they make them feel ( at breakup time it's all raw emotion) If it was something substantial ... car.. engagement ring etc then yes cuddly toys.... xbox games hell no it's just not done and it seems like she is trying to trigger your emotions i am no expert on mind reading though Link to comment
DN Posted September 9, 2012 Share Posted September 9, 2012 Anything given in contemplation of marriage such as a ring, watch, something of that nature should be returned. At one time it was customary to return gifts but that was a long time ago. I think things have changed now. Why broke up with whom? Link to comment
DN Posted September 9, 2012 Share Posted September 9, 2012 Interesting that she asks this given this thread: Link to comment
Clio Posted September 9, 2012 Share Posted September 9, 2012 It is not customary unless it was something that was given in contemplation of spending the rest of your lives together as stated above. The only reasons I can think are either a) for some reason he/she is feeling hurt/ cheated from your relationship (maybe he/she thinks that you cheated? or that you betrayed or took advantage of them in some other way) and this is an immature way to retaliate or b) he/she is stingy. Why did they break up with you? Link to comment
Maroon Posted September 9, 2012 Author Share Posted September 9, 2012 Thanks for all your responses everyone! Much appreciated. I'm not yet 100% sure if I should return the gifts. These gifts are actually just small items we gave each other during the relationship. I believe she asked for the gifts back simply out of anger and resentment. It's heartbreaking to return stuff. Link to comment
markie6 Posted September 9, 2012 Share Posted September 9, 2012 I recalled that thread too which is what made me think it was done to cause an emotional response, a reminder .. for what purpose is of course... guessworkInteresting that she asks this given this thread: ] Link to comment
Minx2012 Posted September 9, 2012 Share Posted September 9, 2012 She sounds like someone who uses the "gifts" as some sort of breadcrumbs to keep you wanting on the door, judging from the previous post you had on here. Does your ex have psychological problems? It's very strange to ask for gifts back...especially if she is the dumper. Link to comment
Maroon Posted September 9, 2012 Author Share Posted September 9, 2012 Just some additional information. In general terms, she broke up with me due to jealousy and possessiveness. We were both jealous and possessive in equal measure. After the breakup, I tried my best to implement NC. I removed her from Facebook and Twitter. She, however, has not removed me from social media, according to friends. And about a month ago, she text messages me out of the blue and asks if I sent her a gift. I did not of course send her a gift because we already broken up. Still a bit confusing. Link to comment
markie6 Posted September 9, 2012 Share Posted September 9, 2012 What you need , is to be away from the confusion , so you can view it all dispasionately. No word from friends, or from her. Information blackout for a while to let these emotions settle down..in her and you. Messages from her and her asking for sentimental gifts to be returned indicate she is struggling with the aftermath of the end of the relationship and trying to trigger emotions in you, to either cause you pain...or remind you of happier times. Cannot be sure which I am afraid Link to comment
Maroon Posted September 9, 2012 Author Share Posted September 9, 2012 What you need , is to be away from the confusion , so you can view it all dispasionately. No word from friends, or from her. Information blackout for a while to let these emotions settle down..in her and you. Messages from her and her asking for sentimental gifts to be returned indicate she is struggling with the aftermath of the end of the relationship and trying to trigger emotions in you, to either cause you pain...or remind you of happier times. Cannot be sure which I am afraid Very true. In fairness to her, I think we were both hurt by the breakup. I suppose me and the ex just have different ways of coping with the loss and detachment. I believe she is fine now and enjoying life, and I am genuinely happy for her. As for me, NC continues. Link to comment
Maroon Posted September 9, 2012 Author Share Posted September 9, 2012 One more thing. I just wish she didn't text me asking if I sent her a gift for two reasons: one, I was forced to break NC by replying to her; two, it left me wondering who she is entertaining now as a suitor. Oh well... Link to comment
markie6 Posted September 9, 2012 Share Posted September 9, 2012 Well if you are being fed information... then you're not really in proper NC , as anything said could be disinformation trying to mess you up. I had an ex years ago ask for half the playsation ( this thread reminded me ) games and controllers and a few other bits , I offered her the cash equivallent and she blew my phone up for a month. She was the dumper , I just walked away without a care in the world as it had been coming for a while. Eventually she made me return things to her at work, I relented , turned up with a box full and she tried the waterworks treatment. It didn't work on me , but these are the sorts of things that can happen Link to comment
Maroon Posted September 9, 2012 Author Share Posted September 9, 2012 Well if you are being fed information... then you're not really in proper NC , as anything said could be disinformation trying to mess you up. I had an ex years ago ask for half the playsation ( this thread reminded me ) games and controllers and a few other bits , I offered her the cash equivallent and she blew my phone up for a month. She was the dumper , I just walked away without a care in the world as it had been coming for a while. Eventually she made me return things to her at work, I relented , turned up with a box full and she tried the waterworks treatment. It didn't work on me , but these are the sorts of things that can happen It's sometimes strange what exes are capable of doing in the immediate aftermath of a breakup. I hope you're well now Markie! Just a few more additional information. Before I removed my ex on Facebook, she regularly posted thinly veiled status updates about me. These status updates are generally negative criticisms of me. Oh well, this is the reason why NC must be implemented. Link to comment
abitbroken Posted September 9, 2012 Share Posted September 9, 2012 It depends. If she gave you a gift that was a family heirloom, something that had been her dads, or something like her class ring that implied you were "going steady," you absolutely must return those items. Or a childhood item of hers. Those items were given in good faith on the condition that you remained in a relationship. If she bought you a CD at the mall, etc, or a shirt, - no don't return that. It is yours. it was a gift. Link to comment
toby17 Posted September 9, 2012 Share Posted September 9, 2012 1) It's not normal. 2) Don't return the gifts. 3) Stop communicating with this girl. Link to comment
Maroon Posted September 9, 2012 Author Share Posted September 9, 2012 Thanks everyone! Your feedback really helped in my decision. I've decided not to return the gifts. I think she was just being very emotional when she asked for the gifts back. She didn't follow it up anymore so I guess that particular issue is done. NC continues. I hope I will be able to keep it up. Link to comment
DN Posted September 9, 2012 Share Posted September 9, 2012 If she wants you back this could be a roundabout way of establishing a dialogue, not the best way of course, but she could be wanting you to ask why she wants them back. Link to comment
Maroon Posted September 9, 2012 Author Share Posted September 9, 2012 If she wants you back this could be a roundabout way of establishing a dialogue, not the best way of course, but she could be wanting you to ask why she wants them back. Thanks for the input DN! Yeah it might be her way of reaching out. If she wants to reconcile, I hope she verbalizes her intentions. I'm beginning to understand her recent actions (eg. asking gifts back). A mutual friend just told me that she was "traumatized" by the break up. Which is odd because she's the dumper. Oh well. Thanks again everyone! Link to comment
DN Posted September 9, 2012 Share Posted September 9, 2012 This is admittedly risky but you could ask her why she wants them back. Link to comment
Maroon Posted September 9, 2012 Author Share Posted September 9, 2012 This is admittedly risky but you could ask her why she wants them back. I actually did ask her why. She replied, "You don't have to return the items." We both ended up apologizing to each other. So I guess we were just both being emotional about the break up. Now, we're both maintaining NC. Thanks for the advice DN! Link to comment
DN Posted September 9, 2012 Share Posted September 9, 2012 Seems to me you two are dancing around the main issue which is really about getting back together. Obviously I could be wrong but her behaviour seems to be too strange to be anything else. Link to comment
Maroon Posted September 9, 2012 Author Share Posted September 9, 2012 Seems to me you two are dancing around the main issue which is really about getting back together. Obviously I could be wrong but her behaviour seems to be too strange to be anything else. I made it clear to her that I wanted to be back in the relationship. But she said she wasn't ready, among other things. She cried during our last conversation. Then I receive news that she was traumatized. A bit strange because she is the dumper. A mutual friend told me to let her be. This is what I'm doing now. Fact is she initiated NC. I just followed. I'm hoping for the best... Link to comment
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