Weird thing with online dating

[bebeblondie]

So I’ve been doing the online dating thing for a while now (more serious now about it since I’m getting older). Every time I would start emailing with a guy they were always very responsive, and occasionally one or two would just fade away, which is normal and never bothered me. However in the past couple of months this has been happening to almost every guy I start talking to. Story goes: guy emails me, I give a friendly response either I get one more email back and then they disappear or I get no email back at all. I understand there’s a lot of competition in online dating, but this has happened with every single guy I’ve started talking to (except for one) in the past 2 months. I mean if you’re not interested in me at all then why are you bothering to contact me? I don’t think this is normal, I would say it’s something I am writing in my emails, but I am always nice and friendly and keep my responses to 2 or 3 sentences at max, which is usually what I get from the guys. This has always worked for me in the past, and I’m not doing anything different. Am I missing something?

 

FYI These are guys who are doing the initial contact

[pinkelephant]

Oh yeah. I've had this done to me (albeit, because I usually take forever to respond) and I've done it to people and it's just out of lack of interest. It's weird, because you don't even know them so you can't be "definitely" not interested - and they look okay/reasonably attractive. The conversation was probably also just "ok". There's always new messages coming in, so it just gets lost in the shuffle.

 

IDK why but it has never bothered me. I initially didn't even think it happened to me cus I never noticed it but now I remember it has. I think people are just way too invested at first that's why it bothers them. It's really just a numbers game until you talk to someone you like.

[bebeblondie]

Oh yeah. I've had this done to me (albeit, because I usually take forever to respond) and I've done it to people and it's just out of lack of interest. It's weird, because you don't even know them so you can't be "definitely" not interested - and they look okay/reasonably attractive. The conversation was probably also just "ok". There's always new messages coming in, so it just gets lost in the shuffle.

 

IDK why but it has never bothered me. I initially didn't even think it happened to me cus I never noticed it but now I remember it has. I think people are just way too invested at first that's why it bothers them. It's really just a numbers game until you talk to someone you like.

 

I mean its always happened to me, but it never bothered me because it was never every guy I started talking to, maybe just two or three, but I'm noticing now because its EVERY guy I start talking to, so its not that I'm invested because obviously I don't really know these people. It's just weird to me that it's been happening with every guy I start talking to. One guy emailed me about a month ago, I responded and then never heard from him...yesterday he emails me saying he knows we started talking a while ago, and then asks me to go for a drink....I just don't get it????

[pinkelephant]

Oh, I don't know. I would chalk it up to bad luck, really. Unless we read those messages to get some clue, it's really hard to say. That guy sounds like he probably went on a date with someone, it didn't work out, and went back on there to message girls.

[april15]

I think you are just running into a string of guys that have lost interest unless there is something that you share in those first conversations that is not in your profile that is a potential dealbreaker. (You smoke, have kids, share a pic when none is posted on profile...)

[FYI]

Hmmm. Without actually seeing your profile, it's really hard to determine what could be the cause.

[bebeblondie]

I think you are just running into a string of guys that have lost interest unless there is something that you share in those first conversations that is not in your profile that is a potential dealbreaker. (You smoke, have kids, share a pic when none is posted on profile...)

 

Nope, none of those things, I have 6 pics in my profile, and my emails usually contain something along the lines of how is your summer going, and I am pretty forthcoming in my profile, so I don't think its that.... I have no kids, I don't smoke and I drink socially.

[Sportster2005]

Sounds perfectly normal to me. It's seems to be getting worse as the years roll by. There isn't even a pretense of manners anymore. Yawn I'm bored talking to this one, next. You're just going through a stretch of bad luck. I wouldn't worry about it. People should not, under any circumstances tie their self worth to online dating sites.

[bebeblondie]

Sounds perfectly normal to me. It's seems to be getting worse as the years roll by. There isn't even a pretense of manners anymore. Yawn I'm bored talking to this one, next. You're just going through a stretch of bad luck. I wouldn't worry about it. People should not, under any circumstances tie their self worth to online dating sites.

 

 

Yea definitely not! It's just frustrating that's all. I mean half these guys I'm not even that attracted to from there pics, but I figure you never know so I give them a shot anyway, and they still sort of turn me down lol. And I'm a pretty attractive girl and not that old, I'm 30 years old, tall, blonde hair, curvy but not heavy. Haha I feel like im putting up a profile on here lol

[shikashika]

I have heard some guys just send messages to EVERY girl out there, even the ones they don't have an interest in.

 

I remember too, when I did online dating, it was clear that many of the "initial contact' messages I was getting were cut and pastes that were going to every single girl! haha!

[mfan]

my emails usually contain something along the lines of how is your summer going

 

Maybe ask more interesting questions? If I initiated contact with a woman and received a response that was (a) too short, or (b) didn't ask a couple of specific questions about what I had written or about my profile, then I would assume she was not truly interested, and I probably won't write to her again.

[bebeblondie]

I have heard some guys just send messages to EVERY girl out there, even the ones they don't have an interest in.

 

I remember too, when I did online dating, it was clear that many of the "initial contact' messages I was getting were cut and pastes that were going to every single girl! haha!

 

haha yes I get those a lot! But those I don't even bother replying to.

 

I remember one guy (who was new to the online thing) actually wrote me like a two paragraph initial email stating a lot of the actual things we did have in common according to my profile, which actually showed me that he did indeed read my entire profile. I thought that was very nice....oh why can't they all be that way! *sigh* lol

[LoveInWinter]

I remember too, when I did online dating, it was clear that many of the "initial contact' messages I was getting were cut and pastes that were going to every single girl! haha!

 

Good observation.

 

To the OP: unless they mention something specific about your profile, their first messages are probably canned messages. Don't bother answering.

[LoveInWinter]

haha yes I get those a lot! But those I don't even bother replying to.

 

I remember one guy (who was new to the online thing) actually wrote me like a two paragraph initial email stating a lot of the actual things we did have in common according to my profile, which actually showed me that he did indeed read my entire profile. I thought that was very nice....oh why can't they all be that way! *sigh* lol

 

I hadn't read your last post.

[bebeblondie]

Maybe ask more interesting questions? If I initiated contact with a woman and received a response that was (a) too short, or (b) didn't ask a couple of specific questions about what I had written or about my profile, then I would assume she was not truly interested, and I probably won't write to her again.

 

If the guy emails me with "hey, how are you" or something like that I usually respond and end it with something along the lines of "how's your summer going" if the guy initially asks me a more in depth question pertaining to something in my profile, I answer and respond with the same type of question. I think most guys know that on these sights if a girl has zero interest she will not respond to your email, and I think it works both ways.

[Thorshammer]

Real simple, if you arent doing this.. then this is the reason; reply with a question, its back and forth questions. You dont respond with a question, they will assume you are too busy with other messages to care, or that you think you can sit on your throne and not put effort. Right now I am talking to a lot of women, each day i add another one, and with each new one i add- one gets lost or i stop talking to. This new one is usually better in some ways than the other. The best one will get my number (or i ask for theirs), and the better one of those- gets to meet me. So ladies, just because you get 20 messages a day, doesnt mean the BETTER guy you picked isnt the better guy to someone else - he can also be getting the same volume of messages (everyone i am talking to messaged me first, or they peeked at my page and sent them a message).

[Thorshammer]

Nope, none of those things, I have 6 pics in my profile, and my emails usually contain something along the lines of how is your summer going, and I am pretty forthcoming in my profile, so I don't think its that.... I have no kids, I don't smoke and I drink socially.

 

This is actually the best approach. People here fail to realize that people online are strangers, 1 out of 3 million strangers online. Why put the work to read their whole profile if its not promised they will do the same with you, or even if they will like you at all. Reading their profile, or getting in-depth about their interests happens after the first few messages, when interest is there. My inbox is full of detailed messages, what i did in return was peeked through their pics, and skimmed quickly their profile, and lost interest, them telling me they like star trek didnt matter, just like when i first went online and sent long messages about how i like x y z about them... and it was completely ignored.

[Lambert]

There's really no way to know... It could be that you remind them of an ex or they met someone else or maybe you just hit a bad bunch. It's not like all the guys are the same or talk to each other in some way ha ha. Like they black balled you or something. I think it's just a numbers game like someone else mentioned.

 

I am on line dating now. And I find that it's really hard to connect these days. In the past, I have met guys that became boyfriends but not this time. I am talking to one guy but I am not sure he is all that interested. Actually, he talks like he is interested but I see him on line a lot. And we are now talking outside the dating site so he must be talking to others.

 

So who knows. I keep thinking he will probably just fade away like you were saying... cause I'm not having much luck either.

[april15]

I think people have a mindset of keeping their options open. There are just so many people online and so many of them go poof when it becomes LTR time. I know that until I met face to face and felt a chemistry that I continued the search for a good date. Once I felt that chemistry it was time for me to focus, stop looking at profiles, suspend any already made connections.

 

I think many people continue with their online activities until there is that conversation about being exclusive.

 

There will be dry spells where it seems there is no quality interested people out there and times where you have so many that you need a spreadsheet to keep track of the details. Don't get desperate in the dry spells and don't get too picky in the active times. Just keep looking for someone who matches your core values and lights your attraction fire.

 

Good Luck!

[Ms Darcy]

I mean its always happened to me, but it never bothered me because it was never every guy I started talking to, maybe just two or three, but I'm noticing now because its EVERY guy I start talking to, so its not that I'm invested because obviously I don't really know these people. It's just weird to me that it's been happening with every guy I start talking to. One guy emailed me about a month ago, I responded and then never heard from him...yesterday he emails me saying he knows we started talking a while ago, and then asks me to go for a drink....I just don't get it????

 

Ask him why he disappeared.

[Batya33]

I think it's unrealistic to assume that a man who emails you on an online dating site is interested in you - I would assume that at most he is interested in learning more about you to see if it makes sense to meet in person. Once you adjust your expectations it won't even register on your radar if you don't hear back. For all you know the person writing to you is the woman who discovered her boyfriend's profile on line. What I would do is respond that you'd love to learn more about him but prefer talking to typing and then ask for his number (or offer yours if you're comfortable giving it out). That way you screen out the people who are just having fun contacting attractive people on line from the ones who are serious about meeting in person. That approach worked very well for me.

[Lambert]

I think it's unrealistic to assume that a man who emails you on an online dating site is interested in you - I would assume that at most he is interested in learning more about you to see if it makes sense to meet in person. Once you adjust your expectations it won't even register on your radar if you don't hear back. For all you know the person writing to you is the woman who discovered her boyfriend's profile on line. What I would do is respond that you'd love to learn more about him but prefer talking to typing and then ask for his number (or offer yours if you're comfortable giving it out). That way you screen out the people who are just having fun contacting attractive people on line from the ones who are serious about meeting in person. That approach worked very well for me.

 

This is a good point-- you don't know who you are actually talking to yet.