Drunken Cheating - Is it forgiveable?

[Tinkerbell]

Hey everyone!

Well I have a little problem that I'm hoping someone can help me with. My good friend, whom I'll call Lisa for privacy reasons, broke up with her boyfriend about 2 months ago on his 21st birthday. Lisa and her boyfriend, Fred, were dating for quite some time, I think almost a year, and for his birthday they decided to go out to a club with a whole bunch of his friends to celebrate. Anyway, he ended up having waaaay too much to drink, and one of his girl friends who was also rather drunk herself grabbed Fred and kissed him. Well, in his drunken state he didn't realise who it was and went along with it for a bit until Lisa saw this and, as you can imagine, flipped out. Unfortunately, it did not end there. A friend of Fred's who always disliked Lisa decided she wanted to be spiteful and then she also grabbed Fred and kissed him, who once again went along with it until Lisa came storming over. As you can imagine she was rather hurt and dismayed, and I believe she had reason to be.

However, I believe Fred's biggest mistake was drinking too much. I'm not trying to make up excuses for him, but Lisa misses him dearly and called me up crying today when she found out he was going out to a bar with another girl. It's obvious how much she loves him, so I'm thinking of telling her she should give him another chance.

What do you guys think? Should his act of infidelity be forgiven given the circumstances?

[SilenThunder]

I figure if things happen once, lessons will be learned and it should NEVER happen again. It is his fault for drinking too much, people should just know better than that... it's common knowledge.

 

She should give him another chance, but if it ever happened again... no more chances...

[ayekasong]

Well, since it sounds like obviously one of the girls just did it to make your friend upset, it was kind of a set up. Yes, the other girl just had too much to drink, as did Fred. I think she should give him a second chance. However, she should make it clear that if it happens again, she is gone for good.

 

I hope your friend finds happiness.

[ForAnother]

I don't know. If i were her I don't think i could put up with it. I would be outta there and be ok with it... but if she is feeling this way, then why not... butmaybe you need to reason with her and let her know what he has done her wrong... and ask her if she wants to put up with that again.

 

ForAnother

[sisterlynch]

She broke up with him on the spot? On his birthday in front of all the people that he knows, because two people kissed him? How long had they been going out? Did he do this to make her embarrassed or was he really so drunk that he didn't know what he was doing?

[antzca2000]

I felt like these people should be forgived until I wnt to europe. EVERYONE drinks there, bit they don't run into others with their cars or sleep with unknown objects simply cause their drunk. I just feel like peole DO still have control over who they are even when drunk. So personally I think your friend shoulda broken up with him

[JaSoN]

i aggree with ayekasong,

suure give him another chance.... just tell him if he does it again youre outa there, that will make him think twice before drinking to much

 

Good luck

[Tinkerbell]

She didn't break up with him on the spot, she broke up with him later on after she had brought him home (he was too drunk to make it back on his own). They had been going out for almost a year, and he didn't do it just to embarrass her, he was completely intoxicated.

[sisterlynch]

So it was the two women who cheated, not the guy necessarily.

 

It seems like a poor reason to break up a relationship!

[Mun]

This is my personal opinion. I think that a drunk knows that something he is about to do is wrong he just doesn't give a damn... because he/she is drunk.

 

We have a saying in Spanish that goes something like this " there is no drunk that will eat fire"... I would wonder what other things he could be capable of doing when he is drunk.

 

If he is getting drunk to the point where people have to carry him home, then he has bigger problems than kissing other girls at a bar.

[johnagent1911]

Sorry for me personally I would never go back to a girl who cheated on me. Just the way I feel.

[Mun]

but Lisa misses him dearly and called me up crying today when she found out he was going out to a bar with another girl.

 

It sounds to me like your friend is missing him more than he is missing her.

[darealshady86]

well ill warn you the best i can

 

my girlfriend of 1 year drunkenly cheated on me

I forgave bc she was drunk

my girlfriend cheated again

I broke up/got back together and forgave bc she was drunk AGAIN

my girlfriend cheated

I was so in love i forgave again also she said she was drunk

do i have to tell you what happened next? anyways now we have been broken up for a month and shes been seeing someone since the next day we broke up... my word of advice, its not worth the hurt.

[Scout]

Yeah, I second what Muneca just posted. If he was truly wanting her to come back, he would be avoiding girls and bars like the plague.

 

Sometimes when we're drunk, we do things that subconsciously we are too afraid to do sober. Maybe he wanted to initiate a break-up, but didn't admit it to himself. I've been pretty trashed before, but never to the point that I openly kissed two guys in plain view of my boyfriend. Or if I did, I don't remember.

 

I feel for your friend, but I don't get the feeling this guy is Mr. Right. Or else, he would not be going out with some girls to a bar after their break-up - if he is indeed sincere in wooing her back.

[sonjam]

I totally agree with scout, it does not sound like his heart is particularly broken up over it, since he's already seeing other girls and going to the bars again. Anyways, when you are drunk, you have less inhibitions, and then your when your true colours show, you can't hide it as well. He will get drunk again and cheat again, despite the girls beigh easy and cheap. You see, this time it was the two of them, next time it will be some other floosy. There's always somebody interested.

 

Tell your friend to pick up the pieces of her broken heart, and get her true friends and family who love her to mend it.

[DBL]

I'm not one that forgives, so if I was her, I would move on. If you can't control yourself when you drink, then you shouldn't be drinking.

 

DBL

[lunatic]

Honestly I think this guy Fred has a drinking problem. I also can tell you that I have always had control when I was drunk. The thing is you dont give a crap about anything or anyone when intoxicated. So if I were your friend I would lose this guy and look for another that does not have a drinking problem. Plus if this guy cared about her then he would avoid bars and those two friends all together.

 

No second chances and no going back. Tinkerbell tell your friend to move on and be there for her because she is going to need you as a friend.

 

Hubman 8)

[CarterJonas]

Hello Tinkerbell,

 

I have to admit that on occasions when I was younger I did sometimes get myself into quite a drunkern state when I was out clubbing. One of the above posts says that you do still know what your doing when drunk, which I definitely agree with, although you have a LOT less inhibitions. In otherwords you know what you are doing, although it might not be something that I would do when I'm sober!

 

My point of interest would be with future trust issues, especially if he was going out drinking with his pals but without her. Would she feel that she could totally trust him by himself. He also did this on her 21st birthday and is already going out? with another girl.

 

My inclination would be to tell her to move on with her life.

[_Ramirez_]

Wow, give the poor guy a chance, he's only 21... No right for mistakes in this world? And this was only kissing.

 

How much can you take advantage of a really drunk guy? a lot, believe me I know. If your friend broke up with him because of that then she's the one who's not mature.

 

She really should take him back before he found someone else that won't dump him because of a drunken kiss.

[RayKay]

I don't know...I have been drunk, and I mean REALLY drunk a few times in my youth, and while there were moves made on me if I was involved I could still say no. Heck, I would say no anyway often, since what kind of person takes advantage of someone they don't have any relationship with when they are drunk?

 

I just do not consider "I was drunk" to be an excuse. And I think that anyone who knows that they lose that much control, should also know when they should stop. Sorry, but whether drunk or not, you are still an adult and should still know right from wrong.

 

Having said that, it sounds like the other girls have some flawed characters for taking advantage of HER boyfriend right in front of her, and maybe he really WAS delirious and had no concept of what was going on. If this is case, he really should re-evaluate his drinking - granted it was his birthday, but I know people who have been getting smashed since they were 18 (lower drinking age here) and have remained faithful everytime.

 

But, it does not really seem as if HE wants her back from his actions, but who knows. They really need to talk to one another and clear the air.

[dreamweaverdude]

I would tend to agreeee with Muneca. IF he is so drunk he had to be taken home, being kissed by other women, seeems to be the lesser of the two problems in this guys' life. There are times I"d like to be so drunk to forget many issues in my own life, but I decome a different person drunk, all my inhibitions disappear so it would not be good for me to be drunk in that situation as someone earlier said, what else would have happened. If all he did was kiss them of them kiss him, I would hate to see a relationship broke up over just that. notw if he had them plastered to the wall of the floor and it was more than kissing then maybe there would be other issues. Seems like to me if the you want to keep this guy, dont let him get drunk to the point of intoxication around others. If you know that then you ought to help him stay with those parameters. I have a friend that is somewhat this way, him and his wife have been happily married for 30 + years but when he gets drunk in a bar, his hands grabs every cute lil (PROFANITY DELETED BY MODERATOR) he can, its just him and you know it is coming when he does, the first time i saw it i about died. If i had done that my wife would have decked me on the floor, drunk or not. But his wife laughed because she knew about his tendencies before we ever got there....and as long as it never got ... too bad she tolerated it.... i think even drunk he knew the limit. WHewn someone is drunk, whether they realize what is going on around them or not, still are responsible for there actions. What's to say that his 'drunk' actions with the right person might not lead to other actions witht hte same person in the sober state, or if nothing else other the thoughts that it might or mislead someone to thinking about possibilities that really dont yet exisdt. If this siuation is one that bothers you, then make sure the man isn't allowed intot that situation again unsupervised.. LOL.. i mean if i know that if that was my weakness, i would try to stay away from it if all possible unless i'm using the DRUNKness as an escuse to get by with it knowing all along what i am doing. Maybe he feels confined and this is this way of breaking those chains of confinment. and he feeels like deing drunk provides a legitimate 'excuse'. I'm sure with my friend that was the issue..... ihave to admit i allowed being drunk before cloud my thoughts about what was right and wrong..... never makes it right though.

 

Seems to me you just net to keep him sober and away from the bar, if he needs to drink.. let him drink at home in front of the tv.. and if he has the urge to kiss someone .. be close by. : Guess what i am saying if you really want to keep this guy.. help establish his environment

don't control it, but definitely influence it. YOu know if a guy's eakness is internet pron you dont let him sit at the computer for hours on end HOPING he doesn't go there.. cause he will..... Help him out.

[hockeyboy]

im just curious..why is this post a "sticky post"?

[Day_Walker]

She needs to stand firm and realize the implications of what her ex bf did. Does she want to be the kind of girl that wants to think that her bf is cheating on her everytime he gets really drunk? Now if she wants to be that paranoid then feel free to go back to him. She needs to act like this isnt the only guy out there, if she wasnt strong enough to accept her decision then she shouldnt have made it.

 

 

P.S. This is a sticky post cuz it was made by a Moderator

[justagirl20f]

If he is already off going to bars with other girls then it's obvious he doesn't value her like she values him. He's over her... SHE called you crying, not him. I say tell her to cut her losses and be glad she was there to witness the cheating... Some girls aren't so lucky and go on for months thinking they're in an exclusive relationship.

 

Sorry, but he doesn't care about her.

[moleculo]

It all depends on if you're willing to fix things up...but I mean even if you're soooooooo messed up, that's an explanation, not an excuse.