How much time to spend with in-laws?

[Firiel]

Okay, there is really nothing that can be done immediately about this issue as I will be leaving for school in a couple of weeks, and my husband will be staying here. Boo. But I do want to know if my concerns are legitimate and perhaps get some ideas about how to deal with it in the future.

 

I love my in-laws. They really are great people, and I get along really well with them. But it just seems like we spend SO much time with them. They live really close (less than 10 minutes away), and I would say we probably spend time with them 3-5 times a week, whether that is all evening or going out for lunch or something. More than just picking up something from the house, but not necessarily all day long, I guess. And as much as I love them, it just feels like too much sometimes, especially when my husband and I only spend a whole evening together probably 2-4 times a month. We just moved here, and I guess it just feels like in our old place, it was the two of us as a unit. I mean, we hung out with other people, but we were family and our place was our home. It seems like my in-laws' house is my husband's home now, and like we are just a part of them, like we don't really have autonomy. Add to that the fact that I don't really even have any friends here other than his family (I was unable to find a summer job, so I couldn't really meet people on my own)... I just miss feeling like I have my own life.

 

So I guess my question is two-fold: 1) Is this even a legitimate concern or am I just being antisocial and demanding? 2) When I come back next summer, how can I foster a more satisfying life with a better balance between his family and everyone else?

[luminousone]

3-5 days a week seems like way too much!

 

When I was married we had dinner at my inlaws every Friday night and I thought that was a lot!

 

Maybe you can put some regular date nights on the calendar, also fill up your calendar with couple stuff. Hopefully at some point the novelty will wear off... Surely the inlaws crave their own life too...

[Firiel]

Yes, maybe when I come back in the summer I will try to implement a weekly date night... I would love to have that and switch off planning it each week. Last time we tried that, though, it became the night his band practiced each week because he "didn't have anything going on that night." Ha ha... I think I need to be more interesting!

[luminousone]

And while you are gone this year he will likely spend his free time with them and so will be in the habit when you get back, so that could be an issue. So when you get back be sure to talk with him about setting aside one night a week with them or whatever you both decide and then focus on your relationship.

[SamiJayne]

3-5 times is too much!

I know because from friday after work we spend time at my In Laws house, until sunday evening. And it's a LONG weekend! And then during holidays I'm expected to go around with my son, and they say "Oh we miss him" Yet they see him ever weekend for 3 whole days!

I live 15 mins walk from them, probably a 3 min drive.

Sigh

I now dread the weekends.

Maybe try to plan to do things just the two of you a little more. And only see them once a week. I think your better off putting your foot down now, as after 3 years of letting it go, hoping it'll change... it didnt for me. I'm now really struggling to have my own life. And am made ot feel really bad if I don't go round with my son. Living so close is not a good idea!! Thankfully in a few yrs we'll move and I'm widening my range in house hunting!

[Firiel]

Yeah, I really wouldn't mind seeing them 2-3 times a week... it's just a lot when it's more than that. I just don't want to come accross as "anti-family" or something. I'm hoping once we have a little more money, my husband will want to spend more time with me. It seems like any "date" we go on turns into a family affair unless it's the typically romantic dinner and a movie which, unfortunately, we can't afford to do every week.

[Seraphim]

It is too much. You need to be a separate couple. Your situation kind of reminds me of Everybody Loves Raymond but without the animosity.

[hers]

I think that's too much too. We see my inlaws probably 2'times per month if that and that is too much for me. My MIL calls me about once a week, and I feel smothered with that. I'm not anti family, just not big into family. Never really have been. I don't particularly care for my MIL but my FIL is great. He's much easier to handle and a really good guy so when we do see them, I go mostly to see my FIL and catch up.

 

You have to have some autonomy from them. We cant be adults if our parents are there all the time. There is a difference between having a family and being a family. At least to me there is. You two are a family, and you have family apart from each other. You don't have to see them only on holidays or anything like that, but maybe do about once a week if you can. And if it comes up in conversation why it's less time than it was before, you can say that you wanted to have more quality time as a couple. Everyone has to understand that.

[Fudgie]

I would feel very smothered by that. I think your concerns are valid. If you're spending 3-5 outings a week with the in-laws but only having 2-4 ALONE evenings a week with your own husband, there's a problem.

[Firiel]

You have to have some autonomy from them. We cant be adults if our parents are there all the time. There is a difference between having a family and being a family. At least to me there is. You two are a family, and you have family apart from each other. You don't have to see them only on holidays or anything like that, but maybe do about once a week if you can. And if it comes up in conversation why it's less time than it was before, you can say that you wanted to have more quality time as a couple. Everyone has to understand that.

 

That's exactly how I feel. I really do like spending time with them, and I miss them when I don't see them for awhile, but it often feels we aren't a family on our own anymore. I mean, yesterday, I hung out at home alone while my husband went and hung out with them and then about 2 pm I went over there and we came back at 10:30 pm. That's just a lot of time, especially when it happens regularly. I know his parents would understand, probably better than he would. I just feel the need to develop our own identity here as a couple instead of just stepping into the life he had as a high school kid, ya know?

 

I would feel very smothered by that. I think your concerns are valid. If you're spending 3-5 outings a week with the in-laws but only having 2-4 ALONE evenings a week with your own husband, there's a problem.

 

2-4 alone evenings a MONTH, ha ha. I mean, it's not uncommon for us to have a couple hours before bed to watch TV together, but for full evenings together, I don't even think we hit once a week.

[Fudgie]

I'm sorry, I meant to write a month, not a week. My bad...

 

You guys really need to be spending more than once a week together, quality time.

[Snny]

I also agree the time you both spend with your in-laws is excessive. I also think it has a lot to do with you both living too close to them and it becomes a "convenience" to your husband. This is going to be a rough habit to break.

 

The only rapid way to establish the couple barrier is to live farther apart. It's why I will never live closer to either family because it opens up an unhealthy dependency. Got to learn to live like independent married adults without running back to mommy and daddy for any type of support.

[Ms Darcy]

That is a lot. Have you talked to your husband about your feelings?

[Firiel]

I haven't really talked to him yet. It's really only started to bug me lately because I really do enjoy their company and we haven't been here long (less than three months). So I didn't start noticing and missing our couple time until the last month or so. I wanted to make sure I wasn't thinking crazy before I said anything. I may have mentioned it once or twice in passing, but I haven't done a "sit down and discuss the issue" thing yet. I'm leaving in literally a week for school (one year left), so I will likely leave any major discussion on the topic until I'm getting ready to move back, just because it's kind of pointless to address the issue now.

 

I really appreciate all of your guys' understanding. I'm really glad I'm not just intolerant, and knowing that others would feel the same way as I do will give me the confidence I need to bring it up in a discussion and stay solid on what I need in the relationship.

[Ms Darcy]

No - it's a legitimate issue. You are not crazy.

 

You know your husband best ... but I have a suggestion. Perhaps it's best to frame the discussion as "I want more one-on-one time with you." And then talking about that might lead you naturally to discuss reducing time with the in-laws a bit. Good luck!

[Batya33]

It is a lot but I was curious as to whether you"re planning on having kids and whether there are plans to relocate any time soon-that might affect what groundwork you lay now.

[Eaudesource]

I personally would have a huge problem with seeing my in-laws 3-5 times a week, but some people might not have a problem with it and your husband seems to be one of those people. We use to devote half a day on just Sundays but consistently to be at my future in-laws house for dinner and chit chat and after a few months of having to be there every Sunday that was even getting too much for me. Seems like your husband is excited to be close to his parents so if it doesn't bother you too much let him spend some extra time with them and don't feel like you have to join him every time he goes over there or they come by to visit you guys. Just say you have your own things to do or you'd rather do something else. And if your problem is in part him spending too much time with them, then you should have a talk with him about this, it is a very legitimate concern and it can create a bigger problem down the line if you don't set boundries now and address it right away. Please don't sit on it and hope for it to just go away.