I want to send my ex a card listing everything I appreciated about him?

[aphrodite12]

In a nutshell:

 

- We both loved each other very much

 

- 6-month relationship

 

- He broke up with me 3 weeks ago because I tend to lose my temper too much- one month of constant arguments pushed him away

 

- No Contact from either of us since that day.

 

Just a week before we broke up he said he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me and that he was willing to wait for my bad temper to go away. A few days after that came a big fatal fight which killed the relationship completely. How? --> During this fight I told him it's over between us. I didn't mean this and took it back the next day, telling him how much he means to me and saying it was just another instance of my temper getting out of control. But that was the final blow for him; he lost trust in me. I tried to convince him that I could work on my temper by getting help, but he said it was too late.

 

I really want him back. I am thinking of writing a big card to him where I list numerically everything that I appreciated about him and how he treated me, how good he was to do the things that he would do for me, etc. Will this help warm his heart towards me?

[Avila]

yikes. i get where he's coming from. no offense but that sounds exhausting and yes you do need help to try and control your temper. since it's you who pushed him away a letter telling him how much you love and appreciate him sounds like a good idea good luck!

[Donovan79]

The fight did not change something that was perfect. He was losing interest before, you just didn't realize it. The card will not change his feelings, you just need to apologize, say you're willing to work to fix things, and when he's ready he should call you. Then try to move on. Cards don't work, and often can make things worse by just increasing the pressure.

[aphrodite12]

The fight did not change something that was perfect. He was losing interest before, you just didn't realize it. The card will not change his feelings, you just need to apologize, say you're willing to work to fix things, and when he's ready he should call you. Then try to move on. Cards don't work, and often can make things worse by just increasing the pressure.

 

You are right, but the fact is this.

 

For a long time he had been feeling uneasy about the relationship for the way I start arguments and show him my angry side. He has low self-esteem and each time we argued he would feel awful about himself. But because he loved me so much he was willing to see it through; I kept promising him that I would get better. This continued for a whole month and got worse and worse, but he just didn't want to leave because the way he felt for me was "too strong" he said. He wanted to marry me.

 

Then, when I told him "it's over" in a fight, that was his chance to have a choice- to either go back into a relationship where he was subject to emotional abuse from my temper tantrums, or to leave things as they were. And ofcourse he chose the latter because he had taken too much heat. So it wasn't just a case of him 'losing interest'. It was a case of me driving him away gradually by initiating arguments and fights.

[ClarityCoast]

Aphrodite,

 

You have already posted about this issue and the advice you are receiving is the same: do not engage...yet.

 

You have admitted your anger issue. I hope you will deal with this before trying to re-establish yourself in your ex's life.

 

My ex *also* has anger management issues. And I can tell you, from the perspective of the ex, that it would mean FAR more to me for him to come back several months LATER and tell me about his PROGRESS in anger management counseling...than any card or proclamation of love.

 

I don't doubt that he loved you very much. But you told him it was over. Let him heal. Work on you.

[Donovan79]

^^ Yep. But it sounds like the real problem is you. How can you guarantee that you've changed enough that if he comes back you won't start the fights and anger again? I'm not sure you can right now. Maybe talk to a professional, get some help, unload your anger a bit, then later on he may see how much work you've done and be willing to give it a try. Anything before then will likely lean back to the same path.

[TalkThatTalk9]

you need to give it some time.

 

imagine if he did take you back today. and in a few days something happened, that set off your temper. he would not only hate himself for trusting you and being "tricked" any chance of recovery would be out the window. people can't change overnight.

 

he needs time and space, if you give him that you may have a better chance down the road.

[DN]

I agree with ChrisMac - how can you assure him that you will change after such a short time? There is no way he can, or should, believe it.

[Ms Darcy]

Are you getting counseling or working on your own issues?

[ToF]

Contacting him now will only make things worse. The card will NOT come off as cute and thoughtful, but as desperate and pushy.

 

You need to actually make progress toward improving yourself, before you contact him again. Otherwise he'll have no reason to believe you will change.

[aphrodite12]

Contacting him now will only make things worse. The card will NOT come off as cute and thoughtful, but as desperate and pushy.

 

You need to actually make progress toward improving yourself, before you contact him again. Otherwise he'll have no reason to believe you will change.

 

Thank you everyone for your replies. I know I need to work on my temper and I know that I need to give my ex space. I have been giving him lots of space; I haven't contacted him since the day he left me 3 weeks ago, so I'm doing pretty well in that field.

 

If I were to send a card, I wouldn't word it in a "I want you back and these are 50 things I love about you" way. I am aware of the futility of saying such things; this is the second time a boy has broken my heart and I learned a lot from the mistakes I made in trying to get the last ex back.

 

What I am thinking of saying in the card is something like "Whatever happens, even if you want us to go our separate ways and be out of each other's lives completely, I don't want to look back in 10 years time and know that I let you go without writing down exactly how I feel about you and what I think about you. That is why I wanted to make this list of things I appreciated about you."

 

This will, I believe, not put any pressure on him, and at the same time I will have it out of my system that he knows how much I did see the good in him despite all the times I got angry on him for nothing. If he was just a guy who didn't give a toss, I agree it would be too much effort. But this was a guy who loved me more than he's loved any woman before, and who said he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. That's why I'm willing to pour out my soul to him in this card.

[Streetbob]

I wouldn't send that card. It is packed with emotion that will force him away.

If you want to speak volumes to him, tell him you are seeking professional help for your anger problems and that you hope, in time, that you can reconcile on better terms.

 

words mean nothing.....actions demonstrate your acknowledgement of a problem and the willingness to change!

 

SB

[Donovan79]

What Streetbob said.

[ToF]

Thank you everyone for your replies. I know I need to work on my temper and I know that I need to give my ex space. I have been giving him lots of space; I haven't contacted him since the day he left me 3 weeks ago, so I'm doing pretty well in that field.

 

You're doing very well! But three weeks is nowhere near long enough. I'm sorry, I know it feels like forever, but it's less than a month. It's just not long enough for things to have settled down since the breakup, or for you to have made any believable change.

 

This will, I believe, not put any pressure on him, and at the same time I will have it out of my system that he knows how much I did see the good in him despite all the times I got angry on him for nothing. If he was just a guy who didn't give a toss, I agree it would be too much effort. But this was a guy who loved me more than he's loved any woman before, and who said he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. That's why I'm willing to pour out my soul to him in this card.

 

If you need to get it out of your system, that's fine. But please, please understand that you will be putting pressure on him. You see it as a thoughtful, selfless gesture that asks nothing in return. But he will not see it that way. It will make it apparent to him that you've done NOTHING to move on, and have spent these last three weeks obsessing over him.

 

If your goal is to show him you've changed, this will be the equivalent of shooting yourself in the foot. To use an analogy: It'd be as if you're an alcoholic whose trying to convince him you've changed, while stumbling around with a bottle of wine in your hand.

 

He loved you that much, and he told you those things in the context of a relationship. I believe you'd be making a serious mistake to assume that he'd treat you with the same romance now that you've broken up.

 

In a nutshell: You'd look desperate, clingy, and like someone who's spent a lot of time planning this card when she should be focusing on her own life. I know you're not that person! Please, don't lower yourself to that level.

[abitbroken]

Please go to counseling and anger management classes.

 

Also, maybe you attracted someone who did a lot of self blame - because a guy with healthy self esteem would have not gotten to the third date with you if you acted like that. He would have walked at that point. But a guy with low self esteem lets himself be beat up.

 

Maybe when you come out of this and CAN figure out how to stop being not only so angry but so hurtful, you might find a guy with better self esteem when your self esteem is better too.

 

When you treat someone horribly and then send them a gushy card - you are pulling the mean/sweet thing - doing something awful and then putting on the charm to keep them. Like it will erase what happened.

 

Right now you think you are doing well, but you perhaps haven't had anything happen to make you mad so you can't say. Right now you are merely remorseful.

[aphrodite12]

Thank you, Twist of Fate. You are right that it will seem to him that I've spent all this time obsessing over getting this card together. My goal is to show him that I have changed, but my other goal is to let him know I really appreciated who he was to me and all he did for me.

 

You see, during the relationship, every argument made him feel awful about himself because he lacks self-esteem considerably. He always has since childhood; his father used to constantly reprimand him (his parents are not together and he lives with his mum).

 

I used to compliment him during the relationship. But not as much as I would start arguments with him. He would say "I like it when you say nice things to me, but there's this other side to you that always makes me feel just so awful about myself, that I just don't know what to think about how you feel about me."

 

That is why I want to write this card, I think it is very important that he knows I acknowledged the good he did for me. Because he did so, so, so much, more than a man has ever done for me in my life apart from my father.

 

I don't want too much time to pass for fear that the words in my card don't mean much to him anymore. My ex always said that when he hasn't seen someone for a long time, he tends to feel less close to them. He and I haven't spoken in 3 weeks.

 

4-weeks post breakup is when I had planned to send it to him. Would this be too soon?

[ToF]

Yes. It would still be too soon. That's only one week's difference.

 

Read what abitbroken wrote. She hit the nail on the head. You NEED to focus on YOU, now. On healing, on moving forward, and on fixing your anger management. Not on him.

[ClarityCoast]

Aphrodite, you seem pretty determined to write this card. Although, it seems the unanimous consensus of this forum, to whom you asked for advice, is to NOT send it.

 

With all issues involving another human being, ask yourself: "What is my motive?"

 

Can you honestly say that your motive is to get absolutely NOTHING in return?

Can you honestly say that you are not hoping that it causes him to see you in a more attractive light?

Can you honestly say that you stand to gain NOTHING from sending this?

Can you honestly say that he needs and WANTS to get this card?

[aphrodite12]

Aphrodite, you seem pretty determined to write this card. Although, it seems the unanimous consensus of this forum, to whom you asked for advice, is to NOT send it.

 

With all issues involving another human being, ask yourself: "What is my motive?"

 

Can you honestly say that your motive is to get absolutely NOTHING in return?

Can you honestly say that you are not hoping that it causes him to see you in a more attractive light?

Can you honestly say that you stand to gain NOTHING from sending this?

Can you honestly say that he needs and WANTS to get this card?

 

 

Let us suppose that the situation can go 2 ways:

 

1) I don't send anything. and things stay as they are.

 

2) I send the card and things stay as they are- but he will know the truth.

 

Even if nothing happens, atleast I will know that he has a clear picture of how I regard him and how I appreciated him. Because he didn't. If I look back in 10 years time at this, I will kick myself for not doing it. I want him to know the truth, that's all. Even if he continues to ignore me I will know he is igoring me with the knowledge that I saw and appreciated all these things about him.

[ToF]

Well, good luck. It sounds like your mind was made up before you started this thread, and you came here merely to defend this idea.

 

I hope this works out for you. It has the potential to seriously freak him out. My older brother dated a girl who treated him very poorly, and after he finally broke up with her, she gave him this book of "52 Reasons You are Wonderful" or something like that. She'd hoped it would let him know she really did "value" him as a person (her words), but all it did was push my brother further away. It made her appear as though she'd spent all her time away from him, thinking about him and making this creepy little book.

 

You will come off the same way. Wait another month (or two, or six), then write him a SHORT letter, telling him you wish him the best and that you think he's a good person. The card will seem obsessive, and way too lengthy.

[aphrodite12]

Thanks for sharing that story ToF; that's something which is really making me hesitate. I just don't want too much time to pass of NC, I don't want him to forget me.

 

Also how long after the breakup did the girl give your brother this book? And were they in No Contact up until that point?

[ToF]

It was a few weeks post-breakup. I don't remember if they were NC until that point.

 

He WILL NOT forget you. Are you going to forget him? No. Do you just "forget" anyone you date for more than a few months? No. The more you think that way, the more desperate you will become.

 

My bother will never forget how crazy that girl acted after the breakup. It completely eclipsed any of her good qualities. Give him the gift of time and space. Allow him to heal from all of the negative parts of your relationship.

 

More importantly, allow yourself to heal.

[aphrodite12]

My bother will never forget how crazy that girl acted after the breakup. It completely eclipsed any of her good qualities. Give him the gift of time and space. Allow him to heal from all of the negative parts of your relationship.

 

Thanks but that's the point; apart from the time when he was breaking up with me during our meeting that evening, I haven't been acting crazy. I haven't been bombarding him with texts, acting all desperate and needy. I haven't contacted him at all since that day. Infact, when I got home that dreadful night of our breakup, as devastated as I was I sent him a text saying,

 

"Hey, just wanted to say I'm sorry for not showing you more respect tonight. I was being immature and selfish. I want the best for you and if you feel that means not being with me, then so be it. Have a great time in France with your family "

 

(He was going for a short holiday to France that week.)

 

That text was the last time I contacted him, the night we broke up. I haven't contacted him at all since that day. I miss him like hell and I want him to see me while he still harbors strong feelings; not when time's passed and he's lost some. I want us to meet for coffee but I am too scared to ask him. All I know is, I won't contact him at all until the 30-day phase post-BU is over.

[ToF]

Why thirty days, though? That's completely arbitrary.

 

I miss him like hell and I want him to see me while he still harbors strong feelings; not when time's passed and he's lost some.

 

1. That's manipulative. You need to focus on YOU and YOUR feelings, instead of coming up with plans and timetables to maximize your results.

2. Feelings don't just expire after after 30 days. If he loved you while you were together, then he will continue to care about you, even after a month. There is NOTHING you can do to change his feelings anyway, so you might as well give yourself as much time as you need to get through this desperate phase.

 

You need to be okay without him, before you see him again. Anything sooner will tear you to shreds, not to mention be a major turn-off to him.

 

EDIT: I just noticed that in your last post, you ignored the bit where I advised that you give yourself time to heal. You focused completely on his needs. I implore you to slow down and pay more attention to what you need. You will have no chance of getting what you want, otherwise.

[Ms Darcy]

I can tell you why, in my experience, this won't work out. You are so focused on getting back together, and not working on your anger issues, that even if you do start hanging out again you will blow it by showing him your angry self again.