I want to send my ex a card listing everything I appreciated about him?

[aphrodite12]

Thank you, abitbroken. You are absolutely right. My anger has been causing me too many problems and has manipulated me into breaking off friendships with people I miss dearly, and more. I need to sort it out. But I still think that I want to send him a card of apology, the thing is even if I didn't want to get back with him I still want to do it. Because this man has done so, so much for me, more than any other friend in my life. Even if we are destined never to be together again, even if fate means that I move to the other side of the world and never see him again or die tomorrow or something (i don't mean to sound sinister but im trying to use examples, lol), I want this man who has such low self-esteem to know that he is a very good man who treated his girlfriend far better than she gave him credit for. And that can help him love himself a bit more; he used to suffer from Depression and it is still there from time to time, he utterly hates himself. I want him to see the good in himself and I want to show him gratitude for being so good to me.

 

Having read all of the messages in this thread, my hope has considerably lessened in him coming back. So I'm at the point where I want to send him this card for him, not for me.

[mhowe]

His self esteem is strong enough to motivate him to get out of a toxic relationship.

 

You need to contact him.

He has NO NEED of contact from you.

 

There is a difference.

[DN]

You seem determined to send it regardless of what anyone says. So why not send it and see what happens.

[ToF]

Having read all of the messages in this thread, my hope has considerably lessened in him coming back. So I'm at the point where I want to send him this card for him, not for me.

 

No no ... Don't do that. He doesn't need it from you. He already did what he needed -- which was to leave an unhealthy relationship.

[sadlilchicky]

You seem determined to send it regardless of what anyone says. So why not send it and see what happens.

 

 

My thoughts exactly.

[aphrodite12]

I want to say a massive thank you to everyone who has helped me. I feel that I have made new friends here; so much support and care from people whom I have never met before. Truly I thank you all

 

My final decision is to wait 2 months after the breakup, then I will send a card. Whatever outcome, getting back together or not, I will know that I have let him know how I feel and all the "what ifs" will go away. Life is too short for regrets.

[ToF]

Good luck to you.

[abitbroken]

I want to say a massive thank you to everyone who has helped me. I feel that I have made new friends here; so much support and care from people whom I have never met before. Truly I thank you all

 

My final decision is to wait 2 months after the breakup, then I will send a card. Whatever outcome, getting back together or not, I will know that I have let him know how I feel and all the "what ifs" will go away. Life is too short for regrets.

 

I suggest instead of "waiting two months and then sending the card" just looking forward to getting through the next week, then the next, then the next and then REASSESS HOW YOU FEEL. I know from experience that if you set out a deadline "okay, i am going to contact them after x months" one focuses on preparing to make the contact the entire time and not focusing on their healing. You are working towards an event rather than just seeing where healing takes you.

 

In two months, you could forget about the idea, or wonder what you are thinking. You could be in a very different place. or you could have something entirely different to say.

 

Just take one day, one week at a time right now.

[brickheart]

I suggest instead of "waiting two months and then sending the card" just looking forward to getting through the next week, then the next, then the next and then REASSESS HOW YOU FEEL. I know from experience that if you set out a deadline "okay, i am going to contact them after x months" one focuses on preparing to make the contact the entire time and not focusing on their healing. You are working towards an event rather than just seeing where healing takes you.

 

This is wisdom right here. I'm thinking about contacting my ex in a certain amount of months, because it's preventing me from contacting him RIGHT NOW. In general, though, you should never set a deadline on contact, because it destroys at least half the point of NC.

[aphrodite12]

Good luck to you.

 

I suggest instead of "waiting two months and then sending the card" just looking forward to getting through the next week, then the next, then the next and then REASSESS HOW YOU FEEL. I know from experience that if you set out a deadline "okay, i am going to contact them after x months" one focuses on preparing to make the contact the entire time and not focusing on their healing. You are working towards an event rather than just seeing where healing takes you.

 

In two months, you could forget about the idea, or wonder what you are thinking. You could be in a very different place. or you could have something entirely different to say.

 

Just take one day, one week at a time right now.

 

This is wisdom right here. I'm thinking about contacting my ex in a certain amount of months, because it's preventing me from contacting him RIGHT NOW. In general, though, you should never set a deadline on contact, because it destroys at least half the point of NC.

 

Thank you, you are absolutely right. I will see how I feel then. But even if I realise that I don't want to get back with him, I owe him something like this. Because our relationship was unbalanced; he did so much and I didn't show appreciation. So this would be my last chance. Push him away it might, but he will know I noticed every little thing that he did for me.

[ToF]

I owe him something like this

 

If anything, you owe him the gift of leaving him alone. That is, honestly, the most selfless and thoughtful thing you could give him.

 

Anything else would be tending to your own agenda ... that little part of you that wants another chance. Even if you won't admit it.

[PaintWithLight]

It is not about the card. You have your own agenda. Do Not Engage with him. Write the note if you must but keep it sealed for you. Not to minimize your pain but a 6-month relationship and being broken up for just 3 weeks is very very early days. Once you have some distance on this, you can see it for what it was, a very early experience in relationships. You will have other love affairs. Do not wrap this one in gold tissue.

[aphrodite12]

Ok guys I am starting to get worried about 2 months being too long to wait to send him a card of apology (we now have been in NC for over a month). This is because of some other people's opinions on it, and I quote:

 

1) "I think since your relationship lasted only 6 months it might be possible that if you wait another month you will be too late. He could have moved on already and another month only increases that possibility. There has been no contact between you two so as far as he knows you might have found another boyfriend and have no intention of getting back together with him. In my opinion a month is a perfect time because all the negative feelings have already faded and everything can be put into perspective."

 

2) "Let us look at it this way:

 

1. You do not send him the card. You give him more time to miss you OR forget you. So after 2 months of hope when you send him the card and he declines it will probably hurt you more. Notice that 2 months = 1/3rd the time you were together.

 

2. If you send the card now, it makes things just faster. He still remembers your good things and has started forgetting why he broke up(guys are usually like that). Unless he does not love you any more, he will not say no. And in case he does, you just get to know it quicker. What say?"

[DN]

Two months was always an arbitrary time set by you. There is no magic or power about it, any more than there is about one month. So if you want to send it, then send it.

[ToF]

Just do it and get it out of your system.

[penelope13]

I just know one thing; love is not a toy.

 

I think this is the crux of the issue: despite your quote above, you took his love for granted, meaning, you thought because he professed his love for you so much, you could 'get away with bad behavior'. The simple fact that he loves you should trump any other negative feeling/thought he might have about you.

 

If one wanted to reduce human behavior, you could say that people can fall into one of two categories: those that use other people's love as a motivation to become a better person themselves, and those that use other people's love as a kind of carte blanche to not challenge themselves because they expect the loved one will excuse anything and everything. The good news is that you have the power to change your behavior.

 

What you are experiencing is also that love is by no means the only ingredient necessary in a relationship. Yes love may be difficult to find (and therefore should be treasured, appreciated, and nurtured) - however it's not sufficient in and of itself.

 

No matter how much you may love someone, if they are infringing on your healthy personal boundaries - for the sake of self preservation and your own mental well being you need to distance yourself from that person. That's what your ex has been doing: ensuring the integrity of his own self regardless of his love for you. And as harsh as it may sound from your point of view it was the only right thing to do.

 

This is a very hard lesson for you to swallow and deal with, but it will be beneficial for the rest of your life (regardless if you ever get back with him or not): never to allow yourself again to undermine another person with the excuse that they love you.

 

I don't think writing to him will cause more damage than you have already done, but I don't believe either that it will do any good for him nor your chances to get back with him since the question from his point of view is really not that he doesn't love you, or that he doesn't believe if you love him. What he has (rightfully) doubts about is if you will be able to refrain from lashing out at him despite your love for him. It's a form of abuse. As horrible as it may sound to you.

 

As others have said, as long as you are fretting and strategizing about when and how to contact him, you focus is not yet on where it should be to understand where your anger issue stems from and why you are not able to control it with a loved one, but you can in your interaction with others.

 

Take the time that YOU need in order to make the change. Sure you can use your love for him as a motivator, however, you should be really doing it for yourself. You will make things easier for yourself if for the time being you accept that you blew your chances with him (you had many within your relationship even if you don't realize it) and that the only true chance is to let him go for now, give both of you the chance to grow independently as individuals and see what the future may hold for either one of you, or maybe the two of you together.

[aphrodite12]

Thanks for that, you hit the nail on the head. But there is something I would like you and my other friends here to understand. I know I need to work on myself but I also need to know when to contact him before it is too late and he forgets me. When I contact him it won't be for a "let's get back together" thing; it will just be a written apology for the way I behaved with him and how unfair I was to him.

 

Because he thinks I never realised how I made him feel.

 

I want to let him know that I am working on my issues. I don't intend to ask him for reconciliation yet. I just want us to still be in touch for now lest he forgets me.

[camus154]

Thanks for that, you hit the nail on the head. But there is something I would like you and my other friends here to understand. I know I need to work on myself but I also need to know when to contact him before it is too late and he forgets me. When I contact him it won't be for a "let's get back together" thing; it will just be a written representation of how I appreciated what he has done for me. I want to tell him that I am working on my issues, I just want us to still be in touch for now lest he forgets me.

 

Come on, OP. You can't really believe this. Not deep down. Unless he gets hit on the head and suffers amnesia, he's not going to simply "forget you".

 

There's only one kind of "forget you" that you're worried about here. And that's forgetting you to the point that you're no longer a viable option as a girlfriend.

[aphrodite12]

 

There's only one kind of "forget you" that you're worried about here. And that's forgetting you to the point that you're no longer a viable option as a girlfriend.

 

 

Yes, because I believe that this issue can be fixed. The thing is I'm not an angry person; all my friends only ever see the nice and sweet side of me and my ex was the only one to see the moody side. Penelope is right that I took his love for granted. Since this issue can be fixed I don't want this to be a lost love. We were best friends.

 

And also when I posted here this morning regarding whether 2 months was a long time or not, I wasn't seeking replies like "just do it"- I came on here to ask whether sending it now or in a month is the right thing. Because I have heard arguments from both sides as I quoted. I don't want it to be too late, and the words of my friends who said "Don't wait 2 months 'cos that'll be too much time and he might have moved on" worried me. We have been 1 month NC already, and another month..? I don't want us to drift apart.

[calichick007]

Come on, OP. You can't really believe this. Not deep down. Unless he gets hit on the head and suffers amnesia, he's not going to simply "forget you".

 

There's only one kind of "forget you" that you're worried about here. And that's forgetting you to the point that you're no longer a viable option as a girlfriend.

 

This. I think being totally honest with yourself (even if not with the rest of us) would help you out a great deal. This is about reconciliation, whether you want to admit it or not. If you were really doing this totally selfless thing and just wanted to boost the way he feels about himself, you wouldn't need to strike while he still has feelings for you. Like Camus said, he's not going to forget you. You know that. The truth is that you want to send it while he is still "warm" enough that it might sway him back in your direction. Why not just be honest about that?

[calichick007]

And yes, another vote for just doing it and getting it over with, though I don't think it is a good idea.

[aphrodite12]

And yes, another vote for just doing it and getting it over with, though I don't think it is a good idea.

But why don't you think it is a good idea? This is why I am asking this question on this thread, to be well informed by people wiser or more experienced than me before going ahead.

 

And yes I admit that I want to do it while he still has feelings because one day I do want us to get back together. But I am writing it so that he goes away with knowledge rather than with the thought "she never even realised the impact of her behaviour" as he thought in our relationship.

[Streetbob]

This thread is 10 pages long and is unanimously saying don't send something to you former boyfriend.

You seem intent on doing it anyway.

 

I don't think that anybody here will change your mind.

 

Good luck when you send that letter.

 

SB

[sadlilchicky]

 

And also when I posted here this morning regarding whether 2 months was a long time or not, I wasn't seeking replies like "just do it"- I came on here to ask whether sending it now or in a month is the right thing. Because I have heard arguments from both sides as I quoted. I don't want it to be too late, and the words of my friends who said "Don't wait 2 months 'cos that'll be too much time and he might have moved on" worried me. We have been 1 month NC already, and another month..? I don't want us to drift apart.

 

Neither. You shouldn't send it at all. The length of time you wait is completely arbitrary..there's no formula you can follow. You made up the 2 month rule, so you alone can amend it. If you want to send it now, send it now. If you want to wait a month, wait a month.

 

I agree with the other posters who have said that this is obviously about reconciliation and not redemption. Either you're not being honest with us (and really, what's the point of that? If you want advice, you should be honest..nobody here knows you..why lie about it?), or you're not being honest with yourself about the fact that you very clearly want him back and you're hoping this crazy letter will open the door. At least admit to that before you do anything.

 

Regardless, you know him better than anyone here, so as far as the timing goes, go with your gut.

[seoulmate]

But why don't you think it is a good idea? This is why I am asking this question on this thread, to be well informed by people wiser or more experienced than me before going ahead.

 

And yes I admit that I want to do it while he still has feelings because one day I do want us to get back together. But I am writing it so that he goes away with knowledge rather than with the thought "she never even realised the impact of her behaviour" as he thought in our relationship.

 

He's going to look at this letter and it will go in the garbage about a minute after reading it. Why?

 

Because he doesn't remember you as being this "kind" person who is/was appreciative of him. He remembers you as the bitter/angry gf.

 

You think sending it as soon (even as soon as 2 months) as possible is the best thing. It isn't. He knows it will be - sorry to be blunt - a load of cr*p.

 

You are just "saying" this to try to touch his heart. Get him to think of you. Stimulate some "it's not too late" feelings in him. That's entirely SELFISH of you. It's selfish because you had your chance to say to be appreciative in the relationship but you chose to let the REAL you shine through. You cannot hide that part of you or mask it with this letter. And if he's smart, which it appears he is, he'll read right through this as just another attempt to manipulate his feelings.

 

You are actually going to get the opposite result. How do I know? My ex was just like you. And, I got the one month later letter. And I laughed. I got an email...I replied within a minute "bye". She panicked and called me right away. I ignored the call(s). Then the texts. She thought the email would "touch my heart" but it made me even more angry at her.

 

People (like you) don't change overnight. You have anger issues and those are created over your lifetime. In your moment of regret and despair you think back about how good a guy he was and now you can "thoughtfully" express yourself. But that's not who you are. That's who you are when everything is riding on never seeing him again So, you're trying to figure out a way to not let HIM move-on. And that's selfish.

 

Understand, he probably wasn't happy in the relationship. So...why don't you let him find some happiness? Why do YOU need to be comforted by expressing your feelings to him? And why oh why do you think this letter will make him feel better? Trust me...it won't.