I want to send my ex a card listing everything I appreciated about him?

[mhowe]

Again -- -you are focused on you. Not on him. You made him feel awful about himself.....

 

He doesn't feel that way anymore --- because he eliminated the cause of the pain. Why do you think he would subject himself to it again on the chance that you have changed?

[aphrodite12]

Given how much he loved me, I think that gradually the pain of not being with me will overcome the relief of escaping that awful month. We had many, many good times, and I did a lot for him. One hour before I was going to meet him for our date for his birthday last January, my beloved grandmother passed away. I didn't mention a word about it to him all night because I didn't want to ruin his bday. And he never found this out until last month. That's how much I cared for him.

[mhowe]

And again -- this is about you -- not him.

You mention yourself 6x in that post.

I give up.

[aphrodite12]

Thanks for all your support.

[sadlilchicky]

Guilty in terms of it made your heart melt so much that it hurt you to know you had hurt him?

 

No. I felt guilty that he was saying all of these nice things about me and that I didn't want to respond. I broke up with him for the same reasons your guy broke up with you..anger issues. He treated me poorly..I had nothing to feel guilty about in regards to hurting him..he hurt me first..many times. Just as you hurt your guy many times before he dumped you. I was miserable in that relationship, but I did the same thing your guy did..right up until the break up, I tried to convince myself that taking things to the next level (in our case, moving in together, not discussing marriage) would help, but it wouldn't have. I sent a quick, curt reply to his letter and then blocked his emails when he continued to contact me.

 

Everybody is different, I don't deny that..but I don't think this letter is a good idea.

[saroec]

I too thought that I was in a loving relationship - I knew he loved me so much, he told me regularly, but he still managed to suddenly drop me stating he didn't love me or find me attractive anymore. What you are feeling is the hope, and no-one is telling you that hope is a bad thing, but sometimes people lose their feelings and find themselves feeling better once the relationship is over. If those feelings never change, no matter how heartbroken you are, there is nothing you can do to change his mind that won't push him away further. Give him time to mourn the relationship and if he comes back, great, but it will be his own choice, and would make for a much stronger relationship.

[aphrodite12]

Did he write a long letter of apology in addition to all the nice things? And how long after the breakup did he do it?

[aphrodite12]

I too thought that I was in a loving relationship - I knew he loved me so much, he told me regularly, but he still managed to suddenly drop me stating he didn't love me or find me attractive anymore. What you are feeling is the hope, and no-one is telling you that hope is a bad thing, but sometimes people lose their feelings and find themselves feeling better once the relationship is over. If those feelings never change, no matter how heartbroken you are, there is nothing you can do to change his mind that won't push him away further. Give him time to mourn the relationship and if he comes back, great, but it will be his own choice, and would make for a much stronger relationship.

 

I believe there is hope. If someone has felt underappreciated, listing everything they did for you which you appreciated could tip the scale slightly. Even little things which they didn't mean to be noticed as such.

[aphrodite12]

And just because he and I are not together anymore, it doesn't mean we can't hang out as friends right? Not now ofcourse, but we shouldn't have to stay in NC forever

[saroec]

No-one is saying you shouldn't ever speak to him again, just in the majority of cases, long term NC is recommended to help with the healing process. Being friends somewhere down the line is a nice thought, but only when you are sure you no longer have feelings for him in that way and could deal with potentially seeing him with someone else.

 

I really hope he does come back to you, we could do with more happy endings around here, but its got to be for the right reasons.

[aphrodite12]

No-one is saying you shouldn't ever speak to him again, just in the majority of cases, long term NC is recommended to help with the healing process. Being friends somewhere down the line is a nice thought, but only when you are sure you no longer have feelings for him in that way and could deal with potentially seeing him with someone else.

 

I really hope he does come back to you, we could do with more happy endings around here, but its got to be for the right reasons.

 

Thank you saroec. But that's the thing; I'm all too aware of the "no friendship until no feelings" rule but I don't want it this way. I want to see him when his feelings for me haven't died down, so that I have a chance to make his heart melt once again, so that it hasn't been too long for him to remember what a hug feels like! Oh life is hell

[sadlilchicky]

Did he write a long letter of apology in addition to all the nice things? And how long after the breakup did he do it?

 

Yes..he apologized, and told me how much he loved me, he told me he was working on changing, and he told me how wonderful, beautiful, amazing, etc.. he thought I was, and that he wanted to spend the rest of his life making up for how he'd treated me. It was a lovely letter, and very well written, but it didn't change the fact that I didn't want to be with him anymore. It was about 6 or 7 weeks after the break up. We were NC until then.

 

It's pretty obvious that you're going to send this letter no matter what anyone here tells you, so I wish you the best of luck, I really do.

[saroec]

I know the feeling, trust me I do. It's been a 15 days since last contact with my ex and some days are still as raw as the day he broke up with me. I know in my heart that I'll never see him again, but I so desperately still want him to remember he loved me once. When I saw him for the last time I made all the mistakes, I begged, pleaded, told him I knew that he still loved me.. but still he walked out. We can't change how they feel about us, all we can do is take a step back and let them figure it out for themselves. They say the dumper checked out of the relationship a long time before they told the dumpee - harsh, but so often true. Sometimes though, absence does make the heart grow fonder. Don't lose all hope, but don't try to push it either.

[aphrodite12]

I just know one thing; love is not a toy. It is hard to find and there will always be times when we will be missed terribly by our exes, if there was love involved. I'm 22, and this is the first time that a man apart from my dad ever loved me (my last ex merely "liked" me).

[aphrodite12]

Yes..he apologized, and told me how much he loved me, he told me he was working on changing, and he told me how wonderful, beautiful, amazing, etc.. he thought I was, and that he wanted to spend the rest of his life making up for how he'd treated me. It was a lovely letter, and very well written, but it didn't change the fact that I didn't want to be with him anymore. It was about 6 or 7 weeks after the break up. We were NC until then.

 

It's pretty obvious that you're going to send this letter no matter what anyone here tells you, so I wish you the best of luck, I really do.

 

Thank you for sharing your story, sadlilchicky. I'm sorry you were hurt so much

 

Do you think that had he sent you the letter 4 weeks after the break, that you would have felt slightly more inclined to give it a go? While you still loved him so much.

 

Also, in your eyes, what could he have said in the letter which would have even the slightest chance of you warming more to his words? I understand that severe hurt like you had is unpacifiable. But while you still loved him so much what could he have said? what if he produced a certificate for completion of an anger management course in a month's time and gives it to you?

 

Also, one more question. Aside from his anger, did he do a lot for you? Did he want the best for you and fuel your interests?

[aphrodite12]

The only comfort here is that we are sharing this grief. To be honest, I call our grief a bereavement.

Me and my ex haven't been in contact since the day he walked out; we haven't met once since it became over between us. I've not contacted him and he hasn't contacted me either. I really want to see him though and just hang out.

 

And if I don't send this card I just know I'm going to regret it one day.

 

Sadlilchicky, if your ex hadn't sent you the card, he too would regret it. Because even though it didn't change anything, there would always be 2 words haunting his mind and they would be "What if."

[saroec]

What about instead of a card.. reach out just once.. ask him how he is by text? See if he responds. Though in my opinion, your commitment to not contacting him will probably say more to him than a text or a card - He is more likely to think 'why isn't she contacting me?' I really don't think the card is a good idea, I think it is more likely to push him away than bring him closer. I'd give NC more time, see if he contacts you first. Telling him all the nice things about him is a bit like bribing him to come back, he needs to be sure in his own mind first.

[aphrodite12]

What about instead of a card.. reach out just once.. ask him how he is by text? See if he responds. Though in my opinion, your commitment to not contacting him will probably say more to him than a text or a card - He is more likely to think 'why isn't she contacting me?' I really don't think the card is a good idea, I think it is more likely to push him away than bring him closer. I'd give NC more time, see if he contacts you first. Telling him all the nice things about him is a bit like bribing him to come back, he needs to be sure in his own mind first.

 

Thank you for this, it is giving me some hope. I just quickly want to add something here; the events of our breakup.

 

The trigger to make him go all the way and end our relationship was that I had done that to him a few days before, in my anger.

 

I had said "It's over!" in my anger, and when I said I didn't mean it the day after, it was too late. He said I had crossed the line by far. That was the first and only time I had "broken up" with him, but during our arguments in the weeks before that I had been threatening to do it.

 

So, when I apologised and asked him to come back and he was reluctant, I said to him I'll give him some time to think. 5 days later he texted me and asked if we can meet to talk. We met and he told me it is over. When he was saying this I was crying and said "how could you do this to me" and he was replying "but you did this to me. I went through what you are going through now."

 

Me: "But that was in anger!"

 

Him: "It was still a breakup. You hurt me. And you'd been threatening to do it for a long time"

 

That is why I'm feeling a bit afraid of this NC- he might think I truly didn't want to be with him?

[applecat]

Hi Aphrodite,

 

I wrote my ex a letter back in January when we first broke up. I left it on the bed before I went to work so that he could read it when he came home. Bear in mind he had told me at this time that he didn't love me anymore, and said he would be upset for a while but get over it eventually. He didn't even bother to speak to me that night, and switched his phone off.

 

He didn't read it, he gave it to his SISTER to read. It meant nothing to him, how I felt.

 

Did you tell him before you left how much you wanted to change for the better? I don't think writing him this letter is a good idea, simply from my own experience of doing the same thing. Don't give him the upper hand over your emotions, and only work through them and better yourself for YOU. You are no.1 in your life, not him. You may still love him dearly but don't put your dignity on the line. Your ex and mine sound very similar; He wrote me a lovely letter a week before he walked out on me saying how much he loved me, how our new house would be perfect and so on. We were meant to be moving in together 3 days after he left.

 

I don't know what's going through his mind and right now I don't care to. I made the same mistakes as you, being needy and desperate for him to come back and it made matters worse until in the end I just thought sod it. We haven't spoken in 8 weeks now, but he has mentioned on his FB (according to a friend) that I have changed for the better.

 

Be positive, do positive things to help you, and you will attract the right people. If he wants to be one of them is up to him I'm afraid, same goes for my ex. I won't beg or chase anymore - I spent too much of my self esteem doing it the first time back in Jan and I won't put myself through it again.

[sadlilchicky]

Thank you for sharing your story, sadlilchicky. I'm sorry you were hurt so much

 

Do you think that had he sent you the letter 4 weeks after the break, that you would have felt slightly more inclined to give it a go? While you still loved him so much.

 

Also, in your eyes, what could he have said in the letter which would have even the slightest chance of you warming more to his words? I understand that severe hurt like you had is unpacifiable. But while you still loved him so much what could he have said? what if he produced a certificate for completion of an anger management course in a month's time and gives it to you?

 

Also, one more question. Aside from his anger, did he do a lot for you? Did he want the best for you and fuel your interests?

 

He was my first love, I was very much in love with him but I'd had enough, and once I was done, I was done. Now it's 3 years later and I rarely think about him anymore, and I fell in love with someone else since him. I had started checking out of the relationship before I broke up with him, but I still desperately tried to do anything I could to save it because I remembered how I'd felt about him for the first few years and I wanted to regain that, but it never happened. I had all my stuff packed to move in with him, and then we got into a fight and that was the straw that broke the camels back. A switch flipped in my head and I just didn't want anything to do with him anymore. No amount of flattery, sweetness, time, anger management courses, or anything could have changed my mind.

 

When things were good with us, they were very good. We loved each other very much but the bad times began to outweigh the good times so I knew I needed it to be over. I'm grateful for everything I learned from that relationship, but I would never take him back. We actually talk occasionally now, but it's completely platonic, and only via text..probably once every couple of months or so.

 

Do yourself and your ex a favor and leave him alone. If he wants you back he will come to you, but don't wait for him. Take the anger management course and then try to build a new relationship with someone you don't have a negative history with.

[saroec]

Things are still far too raw for any chance of a reconciliation just yet. Things need to settle, and the most effective way of letting things settle is to continue NC. Let him consider what you said, and what he said in the heat of the moment, and whether he thinks it is something that can be fixed. You say that you broke up with him first, you said something you didn't mean.. who's to say he wouldn't see the card as just a list of persuasive arguments to get back together, and challenge whether you mean those things too? (I know you do, but until the dust has settled more, he will still be thinking about the fact that you broke up with him first, you said things in your anger that you said you didn't mean - but how does he know that?) - Do you see what I mean? No relationship can work if it is forced, two people must work on it together because it is what they both want, not because one feels they have to out of obligation.

[applecat]

I'd like to add also that when he did come back in January, after saying he didnt love me and that he'd only come back out of 'pity' I completely pulled the wool over my eyes because, well, at least he was back. But as time went on, I remembered him saying all these things to me, and it slowly crept up on me. So much so that I felt I was living a lie and he was capable of leaving again and 'meaning it'. I actually got close to another male friend during this time, but nothing happened at all. I was walking on eggshells and wanted the feeling of being loved. Saying he didnt love me anymore should have been a deal-breaker. Even after he told me it was a mistake and that he actually DID. And guess what? It happened again. So this time, I am bettering myself and he's apparently noticed. But wether it's enough to bring him back is sadly not up to me, and he has a hell of a lot of growing up to do himself (his temper towards me became violent).

[abitbroken]

Thank you saroec. But that's the thing; I'm all too aware of the "no friendship until no feelings" rule but I don't want it this way. I want to see him when his feelings for me haven't died down, so that I have a chance to make his heart melt once again, so that it hasn't been too long for him to remember what a hug feels like! Oh life is hell

 

Well...it has not also been too long for him to remember what feeling berated and getting yelled at feels like! Think of that, too.

 

 

No, he didn't know how much I appreciated him. I would compliment him but I would also lash out at other times. He said a few times "You see, you are great when you say these nice things about me, but when you lash out you make me feel so awful about myself that it's like you don't have any concrete opinions. You make me feel awful about myself too many times."

 

He did know how you felt- you told him, but your actions spoke differently. I had an ex that told me how much he loved me, but he regularly humiliated me in public and in front of his family. It didn't matter how he FELT anymore. It is actions. Someone can love someone but if they treat them like a punching bag, it doesn't matter if that person loves you, see? I really really would get my life straigthened out so you never have this situation again. You don't want a relationship with either a man that you can treat as a punching bag OR a man with an equal anger problem that puts up with it, but has an awful temper right back. To attract someone whole, you need to be whole yourself.

[aphrodite12]

Thank you for this, Halliwell. I particularly love your encouragement in the first paragraph. The thing is that what's bothering me is, you can say that you've done all you can to get him back. You let him know how you felt. I haven't. I need to put something down on paper for him; that is what I believe is necessary from a dumpee to a dumperso that they atleast know all the facts. It might lower the dignity, I can also say that from experience because I kept trying to contact my previous ex who never loved me at all, but atleast it is out of your system taht you've done it. I wish I had done it right at the start instead fo trying to pick a time to do it now. Because it will be awkward if I do it now; he will think I have spent the last month just obsessing over him and this letter instead of moving on and living my life.

 

The reason I want to pursue this is that my current ex loves me very, very, very much. His love for me never died down a morsel, he told me that when he was breaking up. But I had damaged him emotionally too much by making him feel awful about himself. So I want to try to undo some of that damage.

[ToF]

It is too early to try to undo the damage. Think of it like a physical injury: He is still in too much pain for you to come near the wound without hurting him more. This letter will not act as an anesthetic, but will instead be like rubbing salt in the wound whilst it's still open.

 

Let him heal. Let him be for now. The time for apologies will come if you let it, but not if you force it.