A Moment with the EX (HELP)

[ryan14]

Hi to all

 

It's been awhile since my last post, I really need tons of advices from you guys

 

If you want to know my story here's the link

link removed

 

My updated story

 

Oct 6 (My first phone call)

I called my ex girlfriend and told her that I'll be using my laptop (she borrowed 3 months ago) again for school. She told me that I should text her first before going to the house so that she could inform her young sister to prepare my laptop for pick up.

 

Oct 7 (The Day of Pick Up)

She's at the office during the day (a good chance for me not to see her) so I texted her to call her sister (Ex-GF request) that I'll be going to their house to pick up the laptop but she didn't replied.

 

Oct 7 (In the House)

I met her dad and told me to wait at the sofa and went upstairs, after 30 seconds he went down and told me to go upstairs in my ex-girlfriend's room (I was only expecting her young sister) and to my surprise I saw her lying in bed, I ask her why she's not at work and she told me that she was not feeling well so she needed a little rest, I look around in the room and no sign of her sister.

 

I sat down beside her and ask her

ME: sugar babe where is it?

HER: babe underneath the bed

 

So I picked my laptop

ME: well I'll be going now

HER: why so soon?

ME: (smiled) I want to go home early

HER: can you please wait for me to fix my self I'll be quick

ME: ok

 

She turn-on the TV to get me amuse while waiting, after 30 minutes she came inside the room wearing only a towel, I looked at her and she looked at me with a smile, I smiled back and continued on watching TV, and she started humming.

 

While watching she keeps on passing in-front of me to get some stuff, and all of a sudden the towel covering her body just drop on the floor, I saw her naked body and she said "oops I'm sorry" (smiling). As a gentlemen I pick the towel and covered her naked body, she ask me to help her dress up, I didn't answered but obeyed, I never attempted foreplay or sex.

 

After fixing herself we went downstairs to the sofa and she prepared a little snack for me, we talked about school and work everything was smooth. After the snack I told her that we should be going now because she's going to be late for the half-day work, she agreed and we said goodbye to her dad.

 

Oct 7 (In the car)

While driving her to work I told her that it's really nice seeing her, she smiled and told me that it's nice seeing me too. She put her hands on top of my lap and she begins to ask me if I am seeing anyone else, I told her that I talked with some girls but they are just friends and I assured her that I am not interested to be involved with any girl at the moment. After that I told her she looks really nice and I was scared of seeing her with a new guy, she then told me that she was not looking for a boyfriend.

 

Her cell phone rang and she answered it, she said "call me later" she turned off her cell phone. At the back of my mind "who the hell was that?" I remained silent and then she asked me if I have any plans in my birthday (Oct 14) I told her that I don't have any particular plans at the moment. She just greeted me "Happy Birthday"

 

We were 2 minutes away from her workplace she asked me to kiss her, so I gave her a kiss, she smiled and she ask for a second kiss, so I kissed her again and after that I saw her building and stop, she said thank you, got out from the car and never looked backed.

 

Oct 7 (At home)

Anyway when I drove away to get home I feel so sad and confused, I got home and I called her and asked her how was she doing, she said she was fine, I told her not to stress herself too much at work, she said thanks and I said "ok goodbye" and we hang-up.

 

Oct 8 - 12 (Feeling down)

She never bothered to call, I miss her so much, I feel really depressed again, I feel like I am back to my first day of break up with her, I'm sorry guys for the long story really need advice on what to do, I still want her back, please help me!

[Foz]

umm that's a strange one, she did sound like she was leading you on when you called over to her house. i dont know sometimes when you meet the ex again you can get your hopes up and get really let down again, that is what happened me and i now know that it is probably best not to see my ex again.

you however were duped into seeing her and it was really unfair of her to ask you to kiss her and then leave you in Limbo, i dont know what is going on in her head but she should not have done that to you. i dont know what everyone else out there thinks but i would probably ring her and ask her what that was all about, otherwise you are going to mull over it for ages and drive yourself mad.

[ruth1978]

this may not be what you want to hear but i think she's playing mind games. she obviously knows how much you like her still and she's playing on it. i don't think she wants you back, she wants you to want her and not be with anyone else. she isn't bothered about you, not in the way of getting back together.

i've been through this with an ex to the point where i got back with him three times but everytime he wasn't interested in me, he just wanted me to want him. he liked the attention.

the fact was he didn't want me, but he didn't want me being with anyone else either.

the only thing you can do is to be strong enough not to kiss her no matter how tempting. i know you had to get your laptop but i don't think you should go round to see her, or call her anymore. be friendly if she talks to you but never give her the idea you want her back, she will play on it even more.

whatever phonecall she received in the car sounds suspicious too, if it was just a friend calling her, she wouldn't have needed to turn her phone off after the call.

she doesn't deserve someone caring like you when all she's doing is hurting you even more and seems to be enjoying it.

[nick_knock]

ryan14, i too am in the same boat as you. My ex broke up with me 4 months ago, we've seen each other a few times. The first two times we saw each other, after 2 months of being broken up, she cuddled me, and held my hand, told me she loved me still, and how good i looked etc etc.. then we went out for tea the following night. Two days later, she didnt want to know me again. About 3 weeks ago, i told her i had met a girl, that i am not interested in, and then my ex asked me out straight after i told her, we talked about our relationship together, and ways it can be fixed etc etc.

 

Cut a long story short, i've done lots of asking around, as to why she would tell me one minute that she doesnt want to see me, and then at a drop of a pin, she'd ask me out.. The only answer i can get is that she knows that at a drop of a pin, if she decides she wants to be in a relationship again, that i'm still around. I should have played it smart, i should have said no when she asked me out. I dont want to give her that satisfaction of using me whenever she wants to see me, and when she misses me.

 

I would say that she still has the same feelings for you as when you first started going out. Feelings just dont go away over night. I still love my ex as much as i did 3 years ago, if not, i love her more! My ex knows good and well that i would drop everything for her, i probably shouldnt have let her know that, but what can ya do!

 

Give her space, and dont keep reminding her about what you guys did, if you do, it probably wont happen again for a while. After my ex cuddled up to me, held my hand all night, took us to places that we went to when we first went out, i kept asking her why she did all those things, and little to my disappointment, it hasnt happened again, and probably wont happen again. I know that she still loves me, and i know that somewhere deep inside she wants to be with me again, but she wont admit it!

 

Just keep up the good work. You guys kissed, she did things with you that she wouldnt do with anyone else. What does that tell you?

[ryan14]

@Foz

 

yes right now i feel like i'm in limbo and still wonderin wat the hell was that (ex-gf askig for a kiss) i'm scared of blowing her off if i do that, i think i am not yet that strong to ask her, it might turn out a total chaos (i demand answers and she begans to get angry) any other suggestions?

wat's your current situation

 

 

@ruth1978

 

so how exactly do i act that i dont care? do you think she has a new guy? is she entertaining a new guy? i hate this feeling it drains my energy, what is your current status with the guy you mentioned in your post? are you in contact terms?

 

 

@nick_knock

i'm not sure if she stil loves me, its been 5 days since we met, and she didn't bothered to call, maybe she's testing me if i stil love her or its just me over analyzing, i think i lost my opportunity, will she call back?

wat are you doing right now for her?

[ryan14]

any advice please

[Zipp]

I think you should leave her alone, for your own well being. She sounds like she is playing games. You will drive yourslef crazy trying to figure out WHY she did any of the things she did. I agree with the other posts, she wants you to want her, and not be with anyone else. That attitude would be ok if she was willing to step up and be with you, but she isn't so it's BS. Don't call or text her anymore, let her pursue you, and if she doesn't just let it go.

 

She needs to grow up and think of how her actions effect you. She will continue to do this if you allow it. Maybe if you guys have NC for a while she will realize what a gret guy you are, and if she doesn't then you don't need her. We all deserve to be with someone that sees how special we are, not someone that takes us for granted.

[Foz]

hey there ryan.

i dont like the way she wanted you to kiss her, she is kind of messing with your head, me i would want to know what he hell that is about because i personally cant stand being in Limbo. However you have to be prepared for what she is going to say, even if its bad. If you are not strong enough to hear a negative response then do NC for a while longer, if you are ready to hear no matter what then go for it and at least you will have an answer one way or another. I did NC for a while my ex rang crying, said he wanted to meet up and spend time with me, got all my hopes up only to be dashed all over again..so basically im back at square one but at least im not trying to heal with false hope. Im not in Limbo anymore but im really hurt. i wasnt really prepared for the finality of it all but im not fooling myself anymore. I am devestated but slowly coming around to the idea that i want to be with someone who loves me no matter what, J didnt and left and i deserve someone who will be there through good times and bad..

My thread is still in Breaking up if you want to read the whole sorry saga, i dont know how to create a link to it, how do you do that??

[Break up Veteran]

Okay Ryan 14,

 

Foz, ruth1978 & nick_knock all speak words of wisdom. I have been playing what I like to call emotional tennis for the past 6 months with my ex. Luckily for me I have managed to move past the emotional high's and low's that result from staying in contact with an ex.

 

Background: 5 year relationship - magic for 4 years, problems for 1 yr till eventual deterioration.

 

I won't go into specifics for my history, but I can tell you that I have learn't alot of things during this time.

 

I have now decided to use my situation as a live experiment in the dynamics staying in contact with the ex.

 

Anyway, for your situation I will give you the following scenarios - note that some have already been mentioned:

 

1 - She is female (this is not a sexist remark before I get my head bitten off) and likes male attention in general. As she knows you will readily boost her ego she will do the things you mentioned to get a rise out of you.

This could also be seen as a test to see if she can still get your attention.

 

2 - She does have feelings for you still and she regresses to how she was when you were still together. Being emotionally driven (not sexist again) she will react to your presense by remembering good parts of the relationship - when she acts flirty and bad parts - when she ignores you.

 

My advice to you is DO NOT read anything into her actions unless she becomes consistent. She is blowing hot and cold because she can get away with it.

 

If you do not react to her and keep minimal contact it is possible to move her towards reconciliation. I will not guarantee you anything as each situation is unique. But I promise you this, as long as she thinks she has power over you (by you reacting to her), she will keep doing it to you.

 

nenez summed it up nicely on your original post. let her chase you.

 

Good luck

[ryan14]

i appreciate all your replies, i plan to go NC again but this happened

 

Oct 14 12:03AM (My Birthday)

 

my ex texted me

 

HER birthday, enjoy the rest of the day, i mis you!, take care! mwah!

 

ME: thank you! i'm really sorry for the big delay, i'm sleeping already, i have a major exam tomorrow and i need to be early, good night!

 

HER: babe...just asking em i the first one to greet you? good luck on your exam

 

ME: its maryjill that was last sunday, good night

 

HER: babe... wat i mean is em i the first one to greet you this Oct 14

 

ME: Yes you're the first one, good night, take care!

 

i didn't receive any reply, so to all you readers out there is this a wrong move for me, i want to give her all the space but she texted and i replied for kindness sakes, i'm really confused, help

[Foz]

i would have replied as well cos im a sucker for punishment but the thing is anytime i have contacted my ex i have ended up more hurt and confused.

it is a horrible situation to be in but Ryan she is messing with your head at the moment and is not being fair on you.

My ex has been unbelievably cruel in telling me how over it is and i have been unbelievably hurt by what i found when i went snooping but i think i would prefer that to him sending me very confusing signals.

i think you should go back to NC and if she does text, think about it very long and carefully before you reply, you dont need to be hurt anymore than you are, that is the way i am trying to deal with all this. Im doing NC because i dont need anymore hurt. I am devestated enough and way too fragile to suffer any more pain from him. i just cant do it to myself and you shouldnt do it to yourself either, She is being selfish in her contact with you and its not fair on you.

look after yourself and try not cause yourself further pain, maybe tell her not to contact you for a while cos you are not ready for it yet, i think that is what i would do.

[rnorth]

Ask her for a birthday present, if you know what I mean....

 

Seriously, I think she is playing with you but more to test your interest level. If you keep it cool, I think she will continue to show you more interest.

 

You can play it also. Tell her that you want a birthday cake. Keep it light but maintain the contact. Make certain that she contacts you on a 2-1 ratio.

 

Make her chase you a little.

 

Of course this advice is only relevant if you want her back.

 

Good luck! At least she is talking to you (which isn't always a good thing).

[ryan14]

thank you for the reply

 

just an update EXGF called last night (my brother told me) but i'm still in school finishing a project with my group mates, she never texted i dont know why?

 

should i call her or should i just wait again?

[wanger]

Mate

 

Been in you exact same situation. EX GF who did not want to know until I showed an interest in someone else, then the ex was all over me again (even though she was seeing someone else). Then of course I told her that I still wanted her back and did not see her again for over a month until a mutual friend told her that I was really keen on another girl. Within a week she had dumped the other guy and was all over me again. In the end I got drunk, got back with her, and then finished it myself within a few months. All I would say is that she is playing games, but I do not think maliciously, she probably is not aware of the fact, but it sounds like a case of "wants what she can't have". Until she can mature out of this she is not ready for a long term relationship - she will always either hurt her partner, or stick in a relationship where she is being treated really badly.

 

My advice is, keep emotional distance, but go for the physical, if she wants it and so do you, why not? Just don't let yourself get drawn into the emotional side, and she will probably be crazy about you. Obviously I don't know her, and this action may actually hurt her and make her feel used, particularly if I have read things wrong and she does really like you and the physical is the only way that she feels comfortable showing it.

 

Play it cool, enjoy what hapens today, forget about tomorrow, and don't wait for her.

[ryan14]

Thank you Foz, rnorth, wanger, and others

 

i'll just let her be the one initiating all the contact, my only problem is acting calm & cool (being confident) i still feel really low.

 

just an update again

 

oct 16 (ex calls back)

 

she told me that she called last night (oct 15) i told her i'm in school and my brother failed to inform me, then she ask how was i doing, i said i was doing great in school, and she said it was nice to hear that i am doing great.

 

After that she asked me a favor to help her register online for class reservation beause her PC was broken, I told her that she can go to the Computer Cafes near her place, so she change her mind and said that its ok and she'll just look for someone else to help her out ( asking her classmates to do the reservation for her )

 

i know exactly what she's doing (USING ME) she only calls when she needs help, i've seen this before during our 1 year relationship.

 

i just want her to be the same girl that cared about me before even if i'm not useful to her.

 

guys am i right or wrong? i will continue to let her contact me but i'll just pick the calls that i want (calls not asking for favors)

 

need some advice here

[wanger]

Don't know m8. Could be an excuse to ask you over to see you. Have you actually told her how you feel and what your reservaions are. I don't mean all teary needy type of conversations, simply sit her down, look her in the eye, tell her what you want and ask her what she wants. Take it from there. She'll either be impressed or scared off, either way you have been honest and lost nothing.

[ryan14]

hello all again

 

@wanger

thank you for the reply i wish i could do that but i'm not yet that strong to face her, i'm afraid i might say or do things the wrong way

 

i miss her so much but i dont know if i should call her, i feel so low after that last conversation with her (i never did create that positive moment) and upto now i'm stil depressed i dont know what to do.

 

i want her to call me not asking for favors but i want her to call me to work things out (or maybe i'm just dreaming)

 

needs some more input here on what to do? NC is really hard please help?

[zveric]

I'm gonna go out on a limb here, and agree with wanger about the sex.

If she's offering it, and the bit with the towel was definitely her offering it, I say take it.

Here's the thing. You may not feel good about it. The thing is, if you weren't that aggressive with her physically before, and something tells me you weren't, then be now. If she wants to tease you and mess with you, give her what she wants, and then... don't call her. Don't respond to her texts. Don't do anything. Definitely don't fix her computer. None of that friend stuff. If she's putting it on the table, I say take it, and be a little selfish about it. Maybe more than she's used to.

 

Everyone is probably going to jump all over me for suggesting this, and it might be the wrong play, but I think she's obviously put it out there.

It would be really hard to impossible for me to do what I've just suggested, soyou maybe aren't up for it, but I bet you're a really nice guy, and it's probably the last thing she would expect.

 

I dunno what you should do, but you need to get some hand, or call it quits.

[Foz]

Ryan,

 

She is playing head games with you and they are getting to you so stay away until you are strong enough. Really you dont need to be hurt anymore than you already are and sleeping with someone who you adore but who doesnt have the same feeling s for you will only make you feel like s*** afterward.

Tell her you would appreciate if she gave you some space for a month, no emails, no text messaging nothing. You have got to set this girl straight, she cant mess you around, it is not fair on you and you have been through enough already.

[zveric]

Yeah, Foz is right. I dunno what I was thinking. good call.

[ryan14]

Foz

 

thank you very much for the encouragement, I was really going NC but here is an update again

 

Oct 20 12:15pm (Ex Text)

 

this is her message

 

EX: sharing a part of my life with you has been fun... its geat and its certainly one of the best highlights in my life... hope you'll always stay around for good, because you are really... one of the BABE i had take care.

 

i've read her message more than 20 times just to figure out what she's trying to do (guys i know its just a forwarded message) i kept thinking should i reply back or should i just leave it at that.

 

i've analyze the words "because you are really ... one of the BABE i had" this is killing me, is she making the move or does she have a new guy or whatever?

 

anyway after 2 hours of thinking i gave up and replied to her, this is my text message

 

ME: Sugar Babe thanks, take care

 

guys i know i'm stupid that i replied but i'd like to know, where do i stand from here, em i rude in replying or em i the stupid guy giving the ball away kinda thing?

 

i feel a little better when she texted me, but i feel bad also that i ruine NC and just make her feel superior again

 

where do i go from here do i need to continue NC or not, any replies from you again? please help me

[Foz]

i dont know what BABE stands for..

anyway here is what i think, she sounds like she has a massive ego and is quite content to wreck your head in order to boost her ego, do not boost her ego even more by contacting her again. Really dont. She feels great because you are boosting her self esteem and you feel like crap.

She is mean to do this to you. How old is she?? She broke up with you but she still wants you to reassure her that she is great.. not very nice..

do not contact her again and if you absolutely cant stand it and have to contact her ask her has she changed her position on the 2 of you being together and if not then clear off, you are not willing to be just friends and be there to make her feel better..

i hope this doesnt sound harsh but really she is messing with your head and it has to stop..

[Mix Maxster]

here's what i think, stop caring.

[ryan14]

hello again

 

@Foz

"Babe" my petname when we're still together, she's 26 years old, whats your current status with your ex, are you moving on with an open door?

 

@Mix Maxster

yeah i guess you're right, i thought if we show care to our EXes they might change their mind and get back with us again, Mix Maxster How are you? what's your current status?

[Foz]

Well at 26 she is old enough to not be playing teenage games with you.

 

My current status is pretty much the same, i havent heard from him in 3 weeks and im pretty much crying every day..