It all went down so terribly, and yet it's over...

[sonicfan287]

I can feel myself finally taking the blade out of my heart... after so much time together and even more painful times apart... I finally got out what I needed to say and it wasn't pretty and it could've gone 1000X better but it's over and the ending is actually most confusing of all, but not unexpected at this point, nothing's unexpected. I met her in December 2009, things were fantastic for a while, then we've broken up 3 times... this was the third break up and she moved on right after... met someone she's "madly in love with" after 3 days of us being apart.

 

From March of this year onward to now, I've gone on this ridiculous journey, but also an amazing one that I'm hoping will help others but for now, I'm just going to focus on how things ended today/tonight. I truly hope this is the end, and even if not, I'm completely over her and anything she has left. She's put me through so much pain in these past months that nothing could hurt me more anymore, she's literally done it all. I've been to the hospital and nearly died because of this (attempted suicide) so even if she were to force me to cry somehow, it wouldn't hurt as bad and she can't, which made it all the more satisfying.

 

Basically, since March, when she radically cut herself out of my life after 2 years together (on and off) and went from being my girlfriend who'd "be there for me no matter what" to ... nothing in a matter of minutes on the phone, I was a complete mental wreck... I can't even imagine it now but the pain could still feel so real if I had to picture it. I truly hope noone has to experience what I've experienced some of these days... long nights crying while driving back from work and just all kinds of hell, drugs, therapy and everything to get back to some semblence of normalcy. I deleted my facebook for a couple months and just dropped off the grid. I needed time away from everyone and everything. I still went to school and work of course, but other than that, I pretty much didn't do anything social. I worked on myself, my body, my self esteem, my mind, I took up guitar, I started working out more, pretty much everything I always said I'd do but never did for whatever reason. I took it all as a way to end the pain, but still be productive.

 

I keep saying I'm going to get to the end of this story, so I will (although I promise to have more on this in the future. ENA has been such a great place for myself and others and truly is a community to cherish. I hope Ive helped some people along the way)

 

The ONLY thing I had left to inquire about with my ex without seeming like a total creep were some movies I left over her house. These movies weren't gifts (some were, which I have no problem with) but movies from my house that I'd bring over to watch, I pretty much had her house as my second home, I was there so often and slept over, there may even be some clothes of mine still there but I don't care anymore, so basically I couldn't take it anymore. To see if I was ready to make contact, I went on her facebook and saw that she was still in the relationship with the guy she left me for. Okay, well, I expected that but I didn't see anything that made me feel the same anxiety, heart pumping feeling I used to feel when I saw pictures of them together. I decided that was good enough for me because I have just had it with this.

 

I called her and said something to the effect of (and I apologize for the poor language) :

 

"Look, I just want my DVD's back. I'm through with this, it's been 4 months, not so much as a "hello" from you. I'm tired of pretending you give a f..k or that you ever gave a f..k. I don't know how things ended with us, I don't even want to know how you found someone new within 3 days of us breaking up... I just want my DVD's back and maybe some dignity. Thank you"

 

Something like that... I've just had it with her, this was my time to finally stand up for myself. So I just left it be. Well, today I got an 8 page text message from her saying that my voicemail was disrespectful and etc. etc. Of course ignoring all the crap she's put me through and that if the DVD's were really that important that she'd have her new bf bring them by. I said "I don't want to see him, I hope you can respect that. I want to see you in person one last time and retain some dignity, maybe part on amicable terms" to which she says "I don't trust you, so I want him to come with us" and I said "I'm insulted a bit, but I accept" and then SHE says "Wow, I didnt think you'd accept that offer, I was just trying to be nice. I don't want to see you"

 

Now at this point I was ready to just rip her apart, but no... I kept my cool and said something to the extent of:

 

"I just really want closure. This is important to me. I just want to see you one last time, get my DVD's back. I'm not trying to make this uncomfortable so I apologize. I meant no disrespect. I'll leave you alone after, if thats what you want. I don't want to get back together, I just want to talk"

 

She responds back to the effect of:

 

"Look I think we should just stay out of each other's lives. I told you I'm not going to change my mind, okay? This is going to be the last text I send. Take care"

 

Now, I'm not sure why I got mad at this but I figured, why not? And I let it all fly. I actually kept the swearing to a minimum but I basically said:

 

"What gives you the right to talk to me this way? I defended your reputation to all my friends for so long and now you make me look like a f..king idiot time and time again! I don't want to get back together with you! I'm trying to get this through your head! I was just trying to make peace but I guess that can't happen! You can't just rip my heart out over the phone 3 times (she only broke up with me over the phone every time) and expect me to be okay with it. I'm tired of trying to be nice to you and having my head bashed in repeatedly! You can go ahead and try to bull**** me, as if you care about what's best for me... if you really cared, you wouldn't have done what you did! I didn't deserve that and you know it. You can bull**** me, you can bull**** everyone but you can't bull**** yourself. You know that if you look in your heart of hearts that you know you were wrong. Of course you couldnt give me any closure, because youre too much of a coward to admit you were wrong. Ive tried being nice but being nice gets me nowhere. I know you won't regret anything because thats not your style but Ive actually grown a lot from our time together and there are a lot of things I deeply regret but I've taken enough of the blame! Its your turn!"

 

Something like that. I basically finally stood up to her... even if it was just through text. I know it was rough but there's so much she put me through... and it wasn't even that that upset me, but how little she cared about it.

 

Anyway, what she texted me back, while I expected, I didn't know how bad it'd be but it didnt hurt me, actually it kinda made me laugh.

 

She says:

 

"**** you! Don't you ever talk to me again! Grow a pair of balls you ****ing ***** mutha ****er, and don't ****ing insult someone unless you wanna get it back, you pansy ass mamma's boy bastard"

 

I didn't even respond. That was too funny and ironic because she's telling me I need to "grow a pair" but she could never even face me. I wouldve said it to her face too but I never got that chance, and the thing is, I never wanted it to go down like that. I genuinely wanted to make peace... and she just slapped me away time and time again. She's the one who turned it into a swearing match. I just wanted to stand up for myself since noone else was doing it. I'll admit I'm not completely pleased with how this all turned out but yknow what? In some strange way, I'm glad it's her that 'freaked out' this time and not me. When I freak out, I start crying and getting sad, but apparently when she freaks out she goes off the wall and starts yelling and screaming angrily. I really didn't want to do that... at one time, I truly loved her with all my heart... I wouldve done anything for her and did... even after we broke up, I spent months trying to improve myself, trying to believe I was only one improvement away from winning her back but I gave up on that idea a long time ago and just had to let it all go...

 

I know some of your reactions will probably be negative (as far as my temper getting out of control) and as time goes forward and I relax again, maybe I'll look back and say I went too far, but whats done is done. I don't feel great about it but I'm glad I finally got SOME dignity back. I know I'll never get it all back... I pretty much threw myself at her and got almost nothing in return for 2 years... a lot of things were my fault but I always took the blame when necessary and sometimes even took the blame for things she did because I wanted it all to work out. I wanted us to be friends at least, now nothing... but oh well. I did EVERYTHING I could and I mean everything. I'm not an angry person and those who've read my previous posts know how hard this has been for me, so it hurts a bit to know thats how it all ended but I'm just glad it's gone.

 

No more lingering thoughts of "what'll happen if I contact her?" or wanting to know how she's doing and all that... it's all in the past now. I want to enjoy life and I plan to. Thank you so much to all those who helped me out, and who I've helped. I'll still be on here and have a lot more to say over the coming days and weeks but the worst of it is over... after the way she just talked to me, I dont want someone like that around anyway. The weird thing is, I got my closure without even having to see her. I was willing to meet in person, be friendly and even meet her new bf if need be, but she couldn't even handle that. Whatever. I'm tired and out of energy but at the end of it all, strangely satisfied. God bless ENA. Thanks again

[charity]

wow you are causing yourself a whole bunch of misery aren't you?

i hope you really have let her go this time.

i read another one of your threads where you admit you didn't react to the break up NORMALLY.

i know break ups hurts so bad but i really hope you get your emotions under control and find some peace.

[sonicfan287]

Well, youre right. I definitely didn't react to the breakup normally and that was hurt me even more than the pain of losing her, although that did hurt, but another way I didn't react normally is just the fact that I stopped being my own person and devoted myself to her so greatly, that even while she stomped all over me on her way out the door, I continued to beg her for more chances, so...

 

In a way, while I'm not proud of what happened last night, I am happy I finally stuck up for myself... I wanted to make peace and I wanted things to at least be okay but once I realized they couldn't be, I decided to react the way I should've the entire time, and she's the one who brought swearing and unessecary insults into it, further showing how callous she could be.

 

The thing is, it's not completely over until I get my DVD's back but I'll wait a few days if not longer, until she cools down and just ask for them nicely. I'm tired of it all though... I was dignified as possible and she still wanted to keep putting me down. Thats her choice but its also my choice to decide whether or not I want to take it in hopes of getting some "Consolation" final conversation with her that would serve absolutely no purpose, so I decided NOT to take it and actually stand up for myself. In a way I've spent most of my life being pushed around by girlfriends and even friends and family, so it was refreshing to let loose, although I had no idea she had such poor language. Too bad

[charity]

sonicfan why don't you just ask her to mail them to you if you really need them back?

there is no way on earth she is gonna agree to meet up now.

[One day]

Hello mate,

 

Hope your doing ok?

 

Well I can understand how you reacted, everybody has a tipping point and you reached yours. Anger, resentment they all build up and as long as your at peace with your reactions then what is done is done. Just as long as you have no relapses over it and go back all full of remorse to her, as that would just be detrimental to your healing.

 

Keep your head up fella and as Charity said write off the DVD's it's a case of chapter closed, leave her be with her new fella, there's nothing more to be said and done with her. Anyhoo you deserve better.

 

All the best

[sonicfan287]

Thank you and you're right. I dont even want to see her now because ironically, her angry reaction is all the closure I needed. I don't want someone like that anyway, nor did I want her anyway, I just wanted to get closure of some kind rather than "Oh oops, we're broken up now" over the phone and then click, and nothing for several months, that did a number on me but at least I got SOMETHING from her now, her own anger spilling over. I had a right to be angry but I did go overboard but thats okay. Whether I went overboard or not, she didn't want to see me, so she still doesn't. I do want my movies back though and I'll wait a week or so before bringing it up again. I was going to be friendly about it but now I'm going to really look back and count them in my head and make sure I get every last one. Wish it didn't have to come to this but it has.

[JA0371]

Hey Sonicfan...I support what you did. My recent ex was also a ball less jerk who didn't have the decency to talk to me in person. Then had the nerve to tell people I was 'stalking' him because I told him I heard his ex wife was arrested for Meth...lmao!! Classy!!!!

Anyway...upon hearing this I left him a very calm but matter of fact voice mail that I would sue him for slander if I heard that rumor again..and I am serious.

 

Anyway...after all this I actually felt sooooo much better than I had in ages. And so will you...you said what you had to say, and she showed her true colors. It is over....now you can be completely free of the what ifs. Don't regret what you did. Sometimes the **** just has to hit the fan before you can really move on.

[sonicfan287]

Agreed!

 

Thank you very much JA0371. I wouldve liked to say this in person to her (without swearing of course, I don't try to swear, sometimes it happens but I can still be angry without it whereas she has to resort to torching me with words which makes it dumb) and not in a mean way, but it never came to that. Honestly, it was never going to come to that unless she got condescending towards me like she did... I think the "back breaker" was actually when I wanted to calmly meet up and take back the DVD's and she teased me about her bf and said she'd only see me if he came, thinking I'd refuse but I accepted and she actually admitted she lied. At that point, I let it rip...

 

I still want my things back, of course but I'll give her time to cool off. I don't want to see her anymore, I don't know why she insists on pushing out someone who (other than last night) has never talked a bad word about her and truly loved her for over 2 years... including when we weren't a couple and I just wanted to be there if she had noone else... but in turn I became a doormat and I know it but even doormats have to get mad at some point... whatever.

 

I am so glad it's over and as you said, no more "what ifs" and all of that. I'm already seeing another girl on a couple dates, I don't know how serious it will get but I want to do it with a clear conscience now, knowing everything's resolved with my ex.

[BoxerShorts]

Sonic...

 

from the post break up no-no list I got... this helped me a lot when I was sooooo wanting to give him a piece of my mind!

 

The No-More-Arguments Rule

Sometimes people continue to contact each other to tell each other everything they think of them. Once you breakup, there should not be much more to say. If the ex decides that they would like to tell you every thing they think of you (often on a continuing basis), shut it down.

Avoid doing the same. Yes, you’re hurt. Yes you have things you would like to say. Yes there are arguments you would still like to have …. and WIN. Don’t do it.

Disengage from the ex’s thinking. Allow them their ridiculous thinking even if they are rewriting history. Allow them to blame it all on you or your family or the fact that it was Tuesday or that it was raining. No matter how far our or inconceivable it is, let them have that version of things. Detach from what they think or why they think it. Just let it go.

So long as you hold onto and try to manage this “wrong headed” person, you are not going to find the person who is “right-headed” enough for you. Let it go.

[brian12345]

Hey Sonic, I've followed your threads and have been impressed with your healing, so I hope that as you've said this will move you forward and not set you back. She isn't worth it. Talk about one hell of a way to break NC!

[sonicfan287]

Lol, yeah I know.

 

It didn't have to be that way but I was prepared for it to be that way. I made sure I was 110% ready, so it's not like I broke NC on accident. I knew what I was getting into but didn't expect her response to be so vile. Because it was, its actually helped ease the pain tremendously. And Boxershorts, I agree with that as well. Unfortunately, I wish I had that rule book sooner (Ive read your post and its all very clear and insightful) because I had been tangled up in this mess for far too long so honestly, it was only a matter of time before I got out of the jungle of emotional suffering and it appears Ive finally done that. I'd just like to clarify (because I'm not sure if I specified well enough in my original recap of the story) that all the wild, swearing parts were from her. I got mad but she got worse. I'm not trying to "win any argument" either, so all I said was things which needed to be said, her blowup was extraneous as far as I'm concerned and only showed me an ugly side of her

[Dinocaz]

Hey Sonic, I've followed your threads and have been impressed with your healing, so I hope that as you've said this will move you forward and not set you back. She isn't worth it. Talk about one hell of a way to break NC!

 

Gotta agree ... at least if you gonna break NC do it in style and with energy which Sonic it seems you have done. But you have your answer. She cares not a damn about you and her response I suppose was expected. She aint worth it. Move on, dump the past, dump her from your mind. And what ever you do - dont contact again ever as you will only get the same or worse. Its Face reality time - take the leap of faith and move forward!

[BoxerShorts]

That's o.k. I follow the rules in all it's completeness when I have said everything I can, done everything I could and still to no avail. That isn't healthy I know. But like I said, once I have decided there is no hope (meaning I am at my lowest low and can't go any lower) I embrace the rules, I heal and am laughing! AND like you said, no more what ifs. All of us was witness to it. Decide that it's over, decide that you don't want her anymore. Or at least you don't want to hurt anymore. Decide that you cannot go any lower. Haha the only way to go is up then!