My date is a divorced man and he doesn't want to take off his marriage ring

[PrettyGood]

So lately I decided to take dating slowly and to get to know men better before jumping into relationships or even their beds. I met this nice guy online and after changing several e-mails we decided to meet. This guy is a divorced man and his divorce papers were approved not so long ago. So he is divorced about 6 months now. Before marrying his ex, he had 7 years relationship with her, but she dumped him 4 days after the marriage for another guy and a month later got pregnant from another man. He wanted to do something about situation, but she just cut him out of her life telling him it's over and she doesn't love him (the guy I date) anymore.

 

So first date was incredible but I was a little bit cautious because I haven't seen his divorce papers. He promised to show me them later. Another date was even more amazing, but first time I glanced at his hands I saw his marriage ring. He approved that this was a marriage ring (on the middle finger) and he is not gonna take it off because it was consecrated during the ceremony. He said "I will take it off when I marry once again and need to put a new ring." I asked if he still has some feelings for his ex wife but he denied it saying that I have nothing to worry for because he already signed the documents that her baby is not his and that they don't keep the contact longer. I was so worried that after the date he asked me for another 10 minutes and drove us next to his house. He asked me to wait in his car and ran up there to find and show the divorce papers saying that he is honest about it. He was searching for them for 30 minutes and couldn't find it, so he said "Probably I left them at my work, I will bring you them the next time."

 

OK, it was just a 2nd date in a 2nd week. I was planning to date this guy at least 3 months to see all positive and negative sides of him, not jumping into relationship. But I am still worried about the ring. My friend told me that I can take his ring off his finger easily, but I cannot take the same ring from the bottom of his heart. She said that maybe he still has some feeling for his ex, because he was the only one married and dumped. What do you think I should do about the ring? As I understand, I can't request for the ultimatum, because I am just his date yet. Let's say even if I see those divorce papers and make sure he IS divorced, but carries the ring??

[pippy longstocking]

So it is not on his wedding finger ?

 

I mean you right , you can slip it off his finger but you can;t slip it from his heart ...

 

to me ..he certainly had a dire time and a sad time , he seems to be just strruggling to quite let go and I guess that is

up tp you if you take the chance ..he seems to be in to you as it where and eager to show you his marriage is done and dusted.

[PrettyGood]

So it is not on his wedding finger ?

 

I mean you right , you can slip it off his finger but you can;t slip it from his heart ...

 

to me ..he certainly had a dire time and a sad time , he seems to be just strruggling to quite let go and I guess that is

up tp you if you take the chance ..he seems to be in to you as it where and eager to show you his marriage is done and dusted.

 

Dear shooting star, but what about the ring? Let's say I get to see those divorce papers and understand he IS divorced as he says. What about the ring? I can't request to take it off because I am just a date, but on the other hand, how does it look like to date a man wearing his wedding ring and not wanting to take it off? I don't know, should I dump him and find better or just continue looking at that ring without any saying?

[charity]

end it. he's not ready.

[pippy longstocking]

Dear shooting star, but what about the ring? Let's say I get to see those divorce papers and understand he IS divorced as he says. What about the ring? I can't request to take it off because I am just a date, but on the other hand, how does it look like to date a man wearing his wedding ring and not wanting to take it off? I don't know, should I dump him and find better or just continue looking at that ring without any saying?

 

if the relationship took that turn into seriousness then that is the time for you to insist .. so it is on his wedding finger , so I misunderstood ...

 

well he hasnt moved on as much as he should to be dating and he is a risk darling and that is all there is to it ...

as it is on his wedding finger I think I would give it a miss ...he needs to get over it all ...

[PrettyGood]

if the relationship took that turn into seriousness then that is the time for you to insist .. so it is on his wedding finger , so I misunderstood ...

 

well he hasnt moved on as much as he should to be dating and he is a risk darling and that is all there is to it ...

as it is on his wedding finger I think I would give it a miss ...he needs to get over it all ...

 

The ring is on his left hand middle finger (not wedding finger).

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Even if he is actually over his ex, he is not over the loss of his hopes and dreams for the future. By continuing to wear the ring he is clinging on to the illusion of what marriage meant to him and he is not ready to accept that he is no longer married (that is if he is indeed divorced). If you continue to date him you will get more emotionally involved and then it will be harder to walk away when you find out that either he still is married or he is not ready for any kind of serious relationship because he is not over the pain of the last relationship.

[Angel Irulan]

How do you know he's divorced? Have you been to his house? Snooped to see if his phone number is listed properly, met his friends and family and children? You'd be shocked at the lengths some men will go to cheat. That ring might be his safety net in case he sees someone he knows while he's out with you. I've had it happen! Be careful. One guy I dated for 9 months had a string of other gf's that I didn't know about. We had different job schedules and he used that to hide his other loves from me. Note that he was dating more than one other girl.

I'd be worried this fella is a complete player and wanting to know a lot more before I went out again.

There is no need to look like a fool in romance, and when faced with players, women often do!

Angel

[amipushy]

end it. he's not ready.

 

I agree. I'm a widow and I only took mine off when I was ready. Before that, I used it as a safety shield.

[PrettyGood]

How do you know he's divorced? Have you been to his house? Snooped to see if his phone number is listed properly, met his friends and family and children? You'd be shocked at the lengths some men will go to cheat. That ring might be his safety net in case he sees someone he knows while he's out with you. I've had it happen! Be careful. One guy I dated for 9 months had a string of other gf's that I didn't know about. We had different job schedules and he used that to hide his other loves from me. Note that he was dating more than one other girl.

I'd be worried this fella is a complete player and wanting to know a lot more before I went out again.

There is no need to look like a fool in romance, and when faced with players, women often do!

Angel

 

No, I have met only 2 of his best friends accidentally, but that was the same evening when I saw his ring on the middle finger and they were teasing us "How's your date, man? are you in love already?" So they knew it's a date, but they didn't tell anything more. All I'm doing right now is being friendly, he's trying to be gentleman too. I am going to see his divorce papers no matter what. I told him it's a must and he just laughed at it, saying "Ok, I will show you them in order to stop you thinking I'm still married." Then... I don't know what to do about the ring yet. It's just a second date and everything goes very nice and smoothly. I don't hold his hand and I turn my face to the side when we say "Goodbye" to avoid any possible kissing. I'm not gonna introduce him to my friends and family till he doesn't take his ring off his finger. And more, I'm not gonna agree to be his girlfriend if he suggest it until the ring is on his finger. So I will keep this dating no shorter than 3 months without giving him any hopes to jump into the bed with me. I think I've made too many mistakes like this to start finally learning something from it.

[jaciej]

You have only had two dates and I think it is a bit early to expect him to make changes that he feels uncomfortable with, in due course he may feel that he doesnt wish to wear it anymore to please you, but my advice is to enjoy the dating and stop making little things an issue. The longer you take to get to know him the more you are in a position to make proper decisions. I still wear a ring (normal ring) on my wedding finger and date, it has never been an issue because I have been very open about my circumstances and in the early stages of dating where there is no commitment there shouldnt be a problem.

[Ms Darcy]

If you want to avoid another mistake, I would leave this man alone if I were you.

 

Six months is not enough time to heal from being dumped in a marriage and his refusal to remove his ring is a clear affirmation of that fact.

 

What happened to the other guy you were dating?

[PrettyGood]

What happened to the other guy you were dating?

 

Another guy wanted to date several girls at once, but wanted to get everything from me and give nothing in return. I haven't met his friends, I haven't met his parents, I haven't even seen his place. He was just paying for everything and having sex. Finally we decided to continue date other people, but not each other. So we write each other from time to time, but this time more in a friendly manner, no hidden lines, no emotions, nothing. We correspond too rarely even to be friends.

[lavenderdove]

Nope, absolutely not, wouldn't date a man still wearing a wedding ring for any reason at all... and to say it is 'consecrated' is ridiculous... the marriage is over (if he isn't lying) and that consecration/ring is meaningless now, or should be! If it still has meaning to him, the marriage has meaning to him and he's not ready to date yet.

 

Also, be careful because the guy could get some template off the web and fake divorce papers. You need to go to the courthouse to get the papers yourself or hire a private detective to determine if he's divorced or not. Unfortunately, there are WAY too many married or 'taken' men surfing to get sex on the side and they are incredible liars and will invent entire fake lives for themselves to get women to sleep with them.

 

It also could be that he is only separated or is divorced but wearing the ring in hopes the wife will change her mind and eventually take him back.

 

And he could easily wait a few months if he is married... just bide his time and also date other women while he's waiting to have sex with you. I know one man who is a serious and experienced cheater and he usually has several women he is 'cultivating' at any given time to get his sexual need for variety taken care of, as well as his need for excitement and a distraction from the boring marital routine. No single one of those women means that much to him, and he sees it all as a game that he plays to amuse himself, and lies to all of them, wife included.

 

So wearing a wedding ring is a huge red flag that something is off here. If he is genuinely available to you, he won't be wearing some other woman's ring and you should investigate him very carefully before you continue with him. I wouldn't continue with him at all based on what you've told me about him. At a minimum, you need to check him out at the courthouse to make sure he is divorced, and also tell him you are uncomfortable dating anyone who is wearing some other woman's wedding ring, so either it comes off or you won't see him. Do you want to be seen dating a 'married' man wearing a ring? I don't think so! It is ridiculous for him to continue to wear it and expect women to date him.

[PrettyGood]

I wrote him everything what worried me. I already had 4 red flags in 2 weeks and mentioned him them. I said I'm not sure anymore I want to see him. He replied with the smile that he is really not a player and that he is really divorced for real. Then he asked me to meet tomorrow at least for 10 minutes promising to remove all the doubts which make me worry. Ok, I hope he will bring me the divorce paper tomorrow and I will see him without a ring. Another thing which worried me was him keeping his and his ex wife photos on his social website. After him promise to make me calm down, I checked his profile now and found out that his and his ex wife photos are already deleted. So I think he is keeping the promise

 

Let's hope that he will never do the mistake wearing his wedding ring again. I will keep an eye on that and I hope I will see the divorce papers tomorrow if he's really so sure about dating me.

[Lambert]

I think you should run away from this man. Too much drama, too soon. IMHO---You are settling and can do better.