She did it again...

[hers]

Of course you want one where you're treated nicely. You deserve it! But like EG said, you can't break the pattern unless you change yourself. You can't fix broken with broken

[NewPhillyGuy]

These are some things I would like to say to her, but won't.

 

When we were talking about division of property, you told me that I have "everything", and you seek ways to get more money at every turn. The truth is that you took much from me. You took my peace of mind. You took my happiness. Sometimes, I'd say you took my sanity! Worst of all, you took my dreams of being a husband and father.

 

However, there are many things you will never be able to take away from me. You'll never take who I am and what I've accomplished so far. You'll never take away my drive to improve, learn, and do more. I'll never forget that night when I was anxiously awaiting the offer letter for my promotion. While I was anxiously waiting for it with you, you could have shared my excitement. You could have realized you had a good guy, who was doing this for himself pushing himself, for you, and for us. You could have supported me, encouraged me. Instead, you just threatened to break my BlackBerry, because I wasn't paying enough attention to you. It was always about you. That was the problem.

 

For now, it's about me, and I have peace. You can't take that either.

[Silverbirch]

I'm sorry I don't have much to offer in the way of advice NPG. Just want to say that I've followed your thread and my heart goes out to you. I do believe that eventually you will meet someone really wonderful who you deserve so much. I think you have handled the whole matter with a lot of dignity and strength. I'm so glad that you found the courage to leave her.

[NewPhillyGuy]

I'm so glad that you found the courage to leave her.

 

 

Me too. It was hard, but at that point, I had taken ALOT of crap from her, and I was just done. It happened in phases. My friends told me I sounded down in the dumps most of the time. I could feel it - I felt limited, controlled, intimidated, restricted, not me, just not really alive. Then, I got bitter towards her. We would argue alot, and at least every few moths, had one bad argument that involved her doing something crazy, and me kicking her out. It was FAR from how I pictured the first year of marriage. I felt like I couldn't be myself around her and when my friends were around with us. They said it stuck out like a soar thumb. Next, I lost interest in sex with her. I just had no attraction to such a mean, nasty, bossy person. That really annoyed her. Of course, she would blame me. She would say I rejected her, didn't care for her, didn't love her, wasn't attracted to her. Not my fault you destroyed our relationship with your abuse, and then you wanted sex!

 

At 30, for crying out loud, I should be with an attractive, sweet, caring, intelligent woman. Not this crap!

[hers]

InStead of focusing on the "shoulds" try focusing on the solution. You'll never find a solution if you let yourself stay in the problem and don't attempt to work on yourself. Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results is the definition of insanity. Dating the same kind of girls and not letting yourself experience some sort of loneliness will keep you with the same kind if girl

[NewPhillyGuy]

I think I'm going to start a new thread on here to vent about the abuse.

[NewPhillyGuy]

Today was an interesting day.

 

Yet another person said to me - you look more happy and relaxed. It's funny, because the divorce process is stressing me out a bit, but I do feel much more relaxed. My close friend said to me the day I called to tell him I asked her to leave that I hadn't sound like myself since before I met her! I'm no longer coming home with the concern that she's going to talk down to me, boss me around, or otherwise try to make me feel badly about myself.

 

Also, I put some things into perspective. Talking about "family values" here, and I'm not trying to sound judgmental.

 

Her one aunt - known for having a horrendous mouth, starting fights at almost every family event. She's twice divorced. She was fighting for money from her latest husband until he died, which was recently.

 

Her mother - known for having a horrible mouth.

 

Her other aunt - divorced.

 

Her grandparents - divorced and remarried.

 

Her other aunt - very snobby. Makes alot of money, and ALWAYS complained. Never married. Again, not trying to sound judgmental, but the bad attitude was always telling for me.

 

Her dad - SO bossy! He always had to be right. Just like my soon to be ex.

 

To me, it's plain as day that she just wants her divorce, more money, and to move on thinking she's in the clear. It's normal for her family.

 

My lawyer called me to say that her lawyer called. They are awaiting the property settlement, which is good! They want to move this along.

[Moontiger]

Things are tract. I'm so happy to hear you are going so well NPG. Remember what your lawyer said about her getting more money, "The judge would have to be smoking crack."

[Batya33]

But you knew all this before you married her so I'm not sure how ex-bashing in this particular way is helping you. It's great that things are moving along with the divorce!

[NewPhillyGuy]

Last night, I watched an awesome movie about a couple's divorce and how their marriage was saved. It's called Fireproof. I highly recommend watching it.

 

Check it out: link removed

 

And wow I just read this trivia about Kirk Cameron, who stars in the movie. What a guy.

 

[h=4]Trivia[/h]link removed , a Christian evangelist, refuses to kiss any woman other than his wife. To film a scene in which his character in this movie kisses his wife, the filmmakers had to dress Cameron's real-life wife, link removed , as the wife character (played throughout the rest of the movie by link removed ) and shoot the kissing scene in shadow so the difference between Noble and Bethea would not be as evident on screen.

[annie24]

Hi - I haven't read the entire thread but I'm really glad you are divorcing her. This is the best move. I'm sorry your family isn't more supportive but you have to do what is best for you. I encourage you not to date right now. Wait until you are legally divorced. Not just because you aren't ready, but I'd she finds out you have a gf, she might be able to use that against you in the divorce proceedings. I think you'll be fine financially. You haven't even been married a year, no kids, no house. Hang in there and listen to your lawyer.

[NewPhillyGuy]

Guys, having a challenging time and need to vent.

 

Yes, things were certainly bad, but it just blows my mind that less than a month ago I was "married". Since asking my wife to leave when I had enough, I have not heard a peep from her. No apologies, no regrets, no emotions at all - nothing! The only time I hear from her is indirectly through lawyers to ask about more money for her in the property settlement.

 

I have to wonder - for her to just go completely cold like that all of a sudden - perhaps she never loved me at all and this was all a sham?

 

Or is she just sick in the head? You marry someone, abuse them, and when they won't tolerate it, you cut them off cold, and just try to drain financially what you can and move on to the next victim. If you are a human being with SOME feelings, I don't see how you can carry this on so coldly.

 

The more I think about it, the more sick I get, and the more glad I am to be on my way out.

[Moontiger]

I think you are trying to find a logical reason for her behavior, remember, she isn't logical or reasonable. You will never get an explanation, apology etc. She is unstable, and from the sounds of it is completely unable to look into herself and see what she needs to work on.

[NewPhillyGuy]

Thank you. I need to keep reminding myself of this when I get down.

 

I think you are trying to find a logical reason for her behavior, remember, she isn't logical or reasonable. You will never get an explanation, apology etc. She is unstable, and from the sounds of it is completely unable to look into herself and see what she needs to work on.

[annie24]

Yeah, I mean the kind of person who tells at you for a glass in the sink or moving your desk so the sun isn't hurting you is simply not a rational person, so don't expect her to act like it.

[Moontiger]

NPG, its rare on ENA that we get to see someone take control of their life and get out of a bad situation as quickly as you have. You are an inspiration to everyone who is dealing with abuse. Thank you so much for your story.

[NewPhillyGuy]

I just wish I had done all of this before the wedding.

 

As I was going through a bookshelf today, I found this old card she gave me before we got married. It was basically a card to apologize for some very hurtful things she had said to me. I remember that argument. In the card, she referred to herself as a "hurtful, immature, insecure" fiancee. Not to sound harsh, but she was right about herself. She always used to butter me up like this after a fight with cards, etc, but within a few weeks, she would return to her old self.

 

I was going to throw away the card, this little book called Married for Life, and this framed write-up called The Art of Marriage. I thought it would be hard to keep these things, but it hasn't been. In fact, I have The Art of Marriage still standing on my bookshelf. I'm completely fine with it. I want the reminder of what makes a good relationship for the future. I also want to keep the card tucked away somewhere as a reminder to me if I ever meet someone like her again. Hopefully, she's the last one!

 

Soon off to my favorite diner down the street for paella special. I've been feeling with the tremendous love and support of my family and friends that I'm certainly not alone - ever. I've been enjoying my life, now free from the pressures and stress she brought into it.

 

 

NPG, its rare on ENA that we get to see someone take control of their life and get out of a bad situation as quickly as

you have. You are an inspiration to everyone who is dealing with abuse. Thank you so much for your story.

[hers]

I'm very glad tO read that

[NewPhillyGuy]

Why do I keep beating myself up and telling myself if I would have done some things differently, it wouldn't have turned out like this? Can anyone relate to this feeling?

[hers]

Victims Of abuse always feel like it's their fault. If you feel like that, that's means that abuser has succeeded. Don't let her have that

[Thorshammer]

Why do I keep beating myself up and telling myself if I would have done some things differently, it wouldn't have turned out like this? Can anyone relate to this feeling?

 

I am no where near what you experienced, but i have dated women that for some reason like to push and push and stretch my patience. Either insecurity, anxiety and/or depression fueled this, regardless it really takes a toll on you. I have always looked back wondering if i was aggravating the situation, or what i could have done to avoid her barrage of negativity, or.. if i could have been the hero for someone i cared for, and since i didnt save anything (because me personally, i tend to fall into the macho "i can handle anything" role in a relationship) i felt like i let her down and failed.

 

But, this is a individual battle for them. You cant swim into their mind and heal them, so working on the outside of this might not help. You need to think about your own welfare, especially if its not your fault that she is programmed this way.

[NewPhillyGuy]

What I tell myself sometimes is -

 

What if I said I love you more?

What if I could ignore her and respond kindly whenever she acted like that?

Maybe if I did more sweet, little gestures I could have won her over?

 

I became very sad and bitter. My friend said they could hear it in my voice. They said I sounded subdued and not myself. Eventually, I feel like I became like her. I became critical. At first, she would say hurtful things to me, and I was confused. As months went by, I lost that patience. I became very angry. She would say things to me, and I could no longer tuck it away or laugh it off with a joke. I would yell at her - sometimes really scream! It was horrifying to me afterwards. I didn't even feel like myself anymore. I felt like a crazy person - felt just so sad, confused, tricked, crazy, alone - just not ME! It was like I lost myself or some part of myself. I used to feel and sometimes feel really afraid that I have turned into my father and her...

 

Can anyone relate?

[Thorshammer]

What I tell myself sometimes is -

 

What if I said I love you more?

What if I could ignore her and respond kindly whenever she acted like that?

Maybe if I did more sweet, little gestures I could have won her over?

 

 

In my experience, showing more attention and affection didnt matter. Oddly enough, it made it worse. It just opened up more tests for them to throw at me. Plus, even then, it will not be satisfying to you, unless your patience is like steel, it will not make you happy, and its hard to keep that game-face on through the stress and anger, she will see through this, and you will lose her trust- not an ideal situation with someone who is constantly pushing and testing you.

 

I became very sad and bitter. My friend said they could hear it in my voice. They said I sounded subdued and not myself. Eventually, I feel like I became like her. I became critical. At first, she would say hurtful things to me, and I was confused. As months went by, I lost that patience. I became very angry. She would say things to me, and I could no longer tuck it away or laugh it off with a joke. I would yell at her - sometimes really scream! It was horrifying to me afterwards. I didn't even feel like myself anymore. I felt like a crazy person - felt just so sad, confused, tricked, crazy, alone - just not ME! It was like I lost myself or some part of myself. I used to feel and sometimes feel really afraid that I have turned into my father and her...

 

Can anyone relate?

 

I can relate. I remember i almost smashed a table in half. It was like a constant power-struggle, if not that then feeling inadequate knowing that you cant please your lover, and if not that then feeling insecure after the constant negativity that is piling up. I had to accept by force that i was somehow "bad", despite me always being remembered as a good boyfriend, that feeling still lingers to this day, and its hard for me to catch feelings or not think selfishly, i have a very short fuse now, and once i catch any sign, i bark and leave (which is usually a good thing, because signs dont come out of thin air).

 

I guess the only good take-away was the experience i got from this is when she left. I met someone new, I saw the signs with this new woman, despite me being super nice and sweet (even when i had to grind my teeth), i cut her off... satisfied knowing that it wasnt always my fault and that i learned enough not to IGNORE the signs!!!! Its their own personal demons that set them off, and if you get with them, then you are also committed to dealing with their issues.

[NewPhillyGuy]

Thanks alot, man. I can really relate to what you are saying. That's my problem - I've found several women like this, saw the signs, and blew right by them until it all blew up in my face.

[NewPhillyGuy]

Today was hard, because I finally got some of the paper work, and put it through to her lawyer. The reality slapping me in the face was hard.

 

It got me thinking...about alot of things.

 

She seemed to be never happy with me, or perhaps she's just an unhappy person. I mean we all gripe, but geez did she! When I was looking for a better job, and something really good came along that required travel, she threatened to not marry me even before hearing me out. When I knew the offer for my current job was on the way, and I was anxiously checking my BlackBerry for the email, she threatened to break it. When we moved up here, no apartment was good enough for her. The only one she liked was double the price range I had in mind. We could afford it, but I didn't see the reason to spend that much. To get it over with and put a stop to her, I just went with the apartment she wanted. When we were up here, she complained that I had more friends with her. She would get jealous when I went out with them, often accusing me of hanging out with other women. Up here it is crowded and you either pay for an expensive parking spot or park in the street. We have two cars. Mine is leased and brand new. Hers is older and a little beat up. We only had one parking spot, because they were expensive. I thought it was reasonable to ask her to park in the street. Because my car is leased, I have to pay to fix every ding and scratch. Her car already had tons of dents and scratches. You get alot more parking on the street with people parallel parking around you, hitting you, etc. She couldn't stand the idea, even though she parked in the street all the time where she lived before. Eventually, she took my parking spot. She came home one night enraged that she couldn't find a spot immediately, so she came running up to the apartment in a rage, after getting into it with me on the phone. She ran into the bedroom, grabbed my car keys, and screamed and threatened to leave my car "in the middle of the street" so she could have my spot in the garage. Then, she called her dad and told him I wouldn't give her the spot. His response was apparently I'm "lucky" to be with a girl who's "tolerant".

I was speechless. Just take 10 minutes to drive around and find one. She wound up illegally parking her car just to be close to our building and got a $60 ticket. Thereafter, I paid an extra $225 a month for an extra spot (to avoid that situation!), because she wasn't patient enough to just look around for one on the street, which we had a permit for, which was only $15 for a year!!!