I think I'm in an emotionally abusive relationship. How can I get out safely?

[egygirl]

I've posted on another topic...but I could probably get more constructive help under this topic. Sorry for the extremely long post, but for those patient enough to read, I really appreciate it! Thanks

 

I've been dating my boyfriend for a little more than a year. He's from Africa, and I'm American. He's a pro soccer player. However, right now, he has fallen on hard times, and has kind of hit rock bottom. In the beginning he was nice and sweet, now we argue almost every day...not normal arguing but threats, intimidation, accusations, and ignoring what I have to say or my opinion.

 

He got mad at me today, because I didn't come home at 2pm like I said I would, I came back at 4. I needed to go shopping, so he told me to get something for him. So I spent 1 1/2 hours buying a gift for him (to make him happy). Everything I do, it is to make him happy. I cook for him, help him find jobs and get connected to clubs, ask him what can I do to make him happy, helping him with money, and giving him phone credit. He never asks what can he do to make me happy. Even he got made because I didn't let him direct where the taxi driver stopped when we went to my house. When I told him, lets not argue over a small thing, especially after having such a wonderful positive day for a change, he went bizzerk. He says, I'm the only one who makes him angry. Everyone else is cool with him and he's nice to everyone else. So I must be the crazy one!

 

These are his exact words: If I ask him, he says, "you're not a small girl, you should know!" When I ask him a question, to clarify, he says, I should know what he is thinking. If I want to defend myself against his accusations, he says, I am arguing with him, and he doesn't like that.

 

He told me, "I will control the relationship because I am a man. You are a woman, and it says in the Bible, you are to be submissive. Even if I am wrong, you say sorry. You listen to me and what I have to say. If you cannot be submissive and if you think you will control this relationship and make me feel bad about myself, I will leave you! I will be by myself. I don't need someone to make me feel bad and make me angry. You make me feel bad. You will not make me go back to my old ways. I was abusive before." So I was shocked! This was the first time he told me he was abusive! He told me he was every kind of abusive you can think of! Then he says, " I buried that past, but if it comes up again, it will be your fault. If this relationship ends, it is your fault. I will let everyone know, all our mutual friends, my friends, the Church and everyone. I will tell everyone it was you. Then I will be at peace. I will tell them before I even tell you. Ya...that's how I do it. You will not make me feel bad. You are rude! YOU ARE JUST RUDE. YOU have bad behavior, and I will not take that from you!!"

 

All my friends know about him. He complains about my weight. He says I have a big stomach. And he told me he wants to marry me, but before he can take me to his country, I have to be in perfect shape so no one can talk about me. He told me I have a pretty face, but he can't say the same about my body. He yells and is very loud! I tell him his tone is harsh. He said, I'm not a baby, and he has to be harsh to make me stronger. He will not speak kindly to me always. Then after he finished yelling at me and threatening me, he then hugs me. After listening to his 2 hour tirade, without being able to say anything, I broke down and cried. Then he became nice and kind again. This is how it goes, he's mean one day, and nice another. He can hang up the phone on me and say whatever...but if I slam the door cause he made me upset, then I am completely wrong! I am very rude. But he doesn't consider his hanging up in my face and insulting me rude. He told me, when he is done with me, he will insult me, then he will be finished with me...he will not care...it is EASY for him.

 

He always says I am a liar. Especially when I do arrange my words perfectly. He always tries to check and double check what I say, to poke holes in what I say. He makes me feel like I know nothing. I have an advanced degree, and he didn't even finish college. But HE MAKES ME feel like I am stupid, foolish, and know nothing about life. Only he knows, only he has experience. My self esteem is dropping. I am afraid to eat much, cause I will gain weight, thus making my stomach bigger. So I have eaten way less that I usually do, Im healthy but I don't eat too much. If I try to say something, like listen to me, he'll say, "NOOO you listen to ME!!" If I have a question, I have to ask in a polite soft voice, for him to even let me interject. He told me, if you have a problem or criticism, you say it when I'm not mad. When I tell him when he's not mad...he says, I don't understand. Then he acts like he doesn't understand what I am saying, when it's in plain English. He yells at me in public. Even when I am watching TV, he says, who is there? I hear voices? And I tell him, it's the TV! It's 12:30am, who would be here? He said, it always makes him feel funny. No matter who calls me, he has to know who it is. Who I am with, I always have to check in with him. But he doesn't have to do the same, because he is a man. He's in Church with me, and prays and acts like he is all religious and perfect, but he's interprets the Bible to suit his own needs.

Really, I'm scared of him. I cannot say everything that is going on, as I have written too much. I hope at least a couple people will be patient enough to read all the way through. If you do, thank you in advance for your advice and care...

[RitaTrue]

Hi,

First of all, you have my deep sympathies as reading your story reminds me--alot--of one of my past relationships and where I could have been, if I had kept my relationship with my ex. Like you, I'm American, and my ex was African. (This is not to say all African men are like THESE men; that's not true. It just happened to be this way).

 

My ex told me the same thing yours did:

-It's the woman's job to be submissive.

-The man is to be the leader

-The course of the relationship is dependent on the woman's submissiveness.

 

And these^ came directly out my ex's MOUTH!

 

With THAT particular relationship, my ex was also controlling, but in a different way than yours.

 

My BEST advice: dump him. As far as him threatening you and telling the Church and all that, let him. Your REAL friends will already know what's going on, or will already know. The only people who'll eat up the lies are people aren't important to you anyway.

 

My ex, also like your boyfriend, was very into soccer. In fact, he got a sport scholarship when he was in university, and may go pro soon. He had his controlling side, then he had his pleasant side. Only me, and a few discerning women saw the controlling side. But for the vast majority--98% of people who knew him, would probably NEVER believe me if I told them how controlling he was. All they saw was his happy go-lucky side. Is this similiar to you?

 

My best advice: Do not worry about what he'll say. If you want to tell people ahead of time how crazy he is, that's on you. I personally wouldnt, because thrill seekers and drama-makers, will likely go back to him and tell him what you said, thus stirring the pot with more craziness. The best thing you can do, is DUMP HIM. Don't worry about what other people say. The vast majority of them DONT CARE about what you're going through; or they'll only be curious on a superficial level. Do what's best for you: leave.

 

PS--are you living together?

[BellaDonna]

All my friends know about him.

 

Do you think they would be willing to help you make a plan to leave him?

 

You need to get away from him. He is most definitely an abuser,manipulator, controller, and misogynist. I would imagine you have not even seen him at his worst yet. He may become even more controlling or resort to physical abuse in the future.

 

Do you live with him?

[Hollyj]

He may have been sweet in the beginning - to get you hooked - but this is who he really is!

 

This man is emotionally and verbally abusive, and he will soon be physically abusive - he already told you he has been physical in the past, these things so not change. I don't understand what you get out of this, he uses you for money, treats you like garbage and places all blame on you.

 

This is a very, very unhealthy relationship. Seek out your family or friends. Get out!!!

[Moontiger]

*hugs* I am so, so, sorry you have to go through this. Let me ask a few questions: 1) Do you live together? 2) Do your friends/family know how he treats you?

 

What I would do (if you do not live together): Change your phone number, email address, and block him on all social networking sites. Send him ONE email before you change the address and explain that you are breaking up with him because of his controlling and abusive behavior. And, that you will consider any contract from him threatening and will report it to the police.

 

If you do live together: When he is gone, pack a bag, grab ALL of your important paper work (passport, birth certificate etc) and go to a friends/family members house (pre-plan this with them), leave a note saying the exact same thing as the email. And, of cause change phone numbers ect.

 

You will need a support system in place before you leave (for your safely) so pick three or four trusted people to tell about this situation who can look out for you.

 

Sign up for a self-defense class and if he contacts you report it to the police.

[Gracelove]

Leave as quickly as you can. I know you asked how you can leave safely. This is a very difficult thing. Everyone always says, "leave" but that's when you're in the most danger.

 

Is there a way you can leave the city or state you are in? Can you leave without letting him know? Distance, physical distance, is the most important thing.

 

It's also important to surround yourself with people who care about you. Do you have guy friends? Guy friends can come in handy because they can be a buffer between you and your ex. Your ex will know that there is trouble on the horizon if he wants to come after you. The more people between you and him, the better. I'm not saying it will make him leave you alone completely, but it will definitely buy you time. It is also discouraging for him.

 

It sounds as if you have connections, you're helping him to get work. Use your connections to your advantage. If he wants to get you, make it as difficult as possible.

 

Honestly, just be as discreet as possible regarding your planning. Don't let on that anything is amiss. Just be normal, whatever normal for your relationship is. Then leave. Yes, it's dangerous, but staying is more dangerous.

 

Yes, there are abusive men who will use the Bible to suit their own needs. You know the truth and what they are saying isn't true, so just ignore it.

[egygirl]

I don't live with him. But we go to the same church and are in many activities together. I am already planning to tell some unbiased church leaders...but not giving details that it is him..but just a boyfriend not related to the church. So that if he does come to them talking about me, they'll figure out that it was him. Unfortunately, where we're living the police aren't helpful We're not in America.

 

Yes, some of my friends know how he treats me. But I don't know what he will say to the people in Church, as they know him more than me.

 

I'll be honest, I feel so beholden and my self esteem so low, that I am doubting myself and that maybe we can work things out (now I know I am being abused)...but I will listen to advice and make a plan.

 

It's not easy for me to leave the city. But If he leaves and finds a contract, then that will be one thing. He does have many of his things in my place...so he will come around looking for them. And I cant hide from him either...not that easily....

 

Thank you all for answering me, and especially letting me know that you've had similar experiences.

[RitaTrue]

Great words here

[Hollyj]

That's what he is counting on. They whittle away at your self esteem, making you dependent. This man is a bully, but he is also dangerous. I believe his biggest fear is to be outed as an abusive creep that is why he is threatening you.

 

You know this is wrong. Do you have any supportive men in your life?

 

Where is your family?

[treefetty]

thats a really good idea talking to some of the church members that may have suggestions. Try to make sure you have plans setup in case he wants to see you again, and block his number and his facebook asap after you do it. Because he will come back. Believe me.

 

Do it in person, but have a get out plan. Make sure you have friends that will stay with you that night. If you have an obligation he cannot manipulate you into staying any longer than you have to.

 

Don't blame him. He will just as easily turn it around on you, he's been doing it for a while he knows how.

 

These are just a couple suggestions. Good luck out there!

[Hollyj]

I do not agree with breaking up in person.

[Moontiger]

Treefetty, I think a lot of what you say is good but I completely disagree that she should break up in person with a guy who has threatened her and proven to be violent. For her own safety she should leave a note or send a email.

[whes]

He WAS abusive??? How is this not abuse? He is absolutely abusing you. You need to do what another poster suggested. Leave when he is not there, and leave so he knows you are gone but does not know where you are. Talk to family or friends, anyone who can help you. Make a plan so that you have a place to stay and someone who can help you out by keeping him away. Get out now. Please.

[jimmyh]

I have a suggestion. You should first leave and make sure you have friends (male friends if possible) nearby. Once you are safe (changed locks, left town for a few days, whatever it takes) you should break up over the phone. He's an angry guy, so there is a good chance he'll tell you what he plans. Having a close friend witnessing the conversation, or even recording it, could be useful if you need to take legal action against him. Cutting contact with him completely (even if it means skipping church) is a good idea. It will take him months to get over it and he is going to be dangerous during that time.

 

If you ever think of being submissive again and tolerate abuse, remember that in those patriarchal cultures where this is ok, man's part is to earn the bread. He's not qualified to have a woman in his own country, so is is a loser and you have no reason to think less of yourself.

[lavenderdove]

You need a safety plan... please call some of the domestic abuse hotlines and they have very good information on how to develop a safety plan and the best way to leave an abuser.

 

Don't let him know what you plan at all, and don't break up with him in person because that is when they are most likely to feel they have nothing to lose and become violent. Talk things over carefullly with a domestic abuse counselor who will help you formulate a plan.

 

If you are in a country where there is no protection for women's rights or you think you will not get support, perhaps it is really to your advantage to leave town permanently and move to where you can have a normal life. Do not let him know you are doing it, just make your plans and go and let him find an empty apt. after you're gone and out of the area/country.

[BellaDonna]

When you talk to the church leaders, make sur they know that he yells at you, degrades you, etc. don't let it turn into a philosophical discussion about what the bible says regarding men and women. This is abuse, which is a much bigger issue.

 

Honestly, I am not sure the church leaders are the best people to help you. Friends, family, women's rights advocates, domestic abuse counselors would probably be better choices.

[egygirl]

I'll be talking to one of the church elders this week. I'll let you all know what happens. Some of my friends who I thought would support me, blames me for dealing with this. She said it's easy for me to get out of it. Physically it may seem easy, but it's the psychological part that's difficult, and being afraid of him knowing what he is capable of..whether we are under the same roof or not. Just thought I would add that...

[abitbroken]

I wanted to chime in here. Dont be afraid to talk to church elders thinking they will philosophically say that you need to be submissive because that is absolute rubbish. i went to my pastor when I was having trouble with an abusive marriage and he emphasized that a woman is meant to be at a man' SIDE..not under his foot as his helper and EQUAL partner as he is also equal to her...

that no one deserves to be abused! Although He left ME, i got physically away from any house where he was welcome to just drop in on me or see me or know when I was there for my own safety.

 

Also, you are not married to this man. You promised him nothing. In a year's time you are just really getting to know the real him and it is totally okay to decide he is not the one for you! I know you feel you owe him something, especially since he WAS nice at one time. I mean, just reread what you said about him being abusive and then you buying gifts thinking that would make him happy when he should treat you with respect no matter what - gifts or no gifts. it should just be a given.

 

I know the psychological part is difficult. I have been there. Honestly the only thing that works is physical distance. If you stay around him to make a decision, he will just continue to have a hold on you. Once you are away, the thoughts will start to be clearer and the peace will settle in.

 

Please, for you own sake - get counseling whether through your church or through other means, and join whatever support groups you can to meet people that will provide you the emotional support the friends do not. Maybe they are caught up in status thinking you have a real prize in him for what he has accomplished or how he looks "on paper" but they have no idea what goes on behind closed doors. i bet he's fairly charming to people he doesn't know so well.

[abitbroken]

i guess i didn't catch if you lived together or not. if you do, gather up your important papers like birth certificates, bank papers and if it looks suspcious for them all to be gone make copies. but them in a bag or purse and practice. leave at the same time every day or on certain days and always come back shortly so neighbors get used to you coming and going. Then one day don't come back. in this manner, no one will alert him to the fact that you took off. they won't know.

[Moontiger]

I'll be talking to one of the church elders this week. I'll let you all know what happens. Some of my friends who I thought would support me, blames me for dealing with this. She said it's easy for me to get out of it. Physically it may seem easy, but it's the psychological part that's difficult, and being afraid of him knowing what he is capable of..whether we are under the same roof or not. Just thought I would add that...

 

 

Wow! That friend clearly knows nothing about these kind of thing. Along with seen a church leader I think you should also see a therapist. The more people you have to talk to the better.