Teachergurl28 Posted May 19, 2012 Share Posted May 19, 2012 Read a great book, folks, and thought I'd share. It's entitled Marry Him: The Case for Settling by Lorie Gottieb. Now, sure the word "settling" is very off-putting for those searching for their "soul mate" but honestly this book will change your whole perspective on dating. I have not been able to stop thinking about this book since I picked it up! It will really challenge your idea of the "fairy tale ending". WARNING: It is brutally honest and can be a little depressing at times, but ultimately very liberating to realize that you don't need to find Mr. Perfect, but rather someone you love and respect and is "good enough " (just like we are)! Link to comment
WhenWillILove Posted May 19, 2012 Share Posted May 19, 2012 Hm, will keep that in mind. Link to comment
The_Seeker Posted May 19, 2012 Share Posted May 19, 2012 Read a great book, folks, and thought I'd share. It's entitled Marry Him: The Case for Settling by Lorie Gottieb. Now, sure the word "settling" is very off-putting for those searching for their "soul mate" but honestly this book will change your whole perspective on dating. I have not been able to stop thinking about this book since I picked it up! It will really challenge your idea of the "fairy tale ending". WARNING: It is brutally honest and can be a little depressing at times, but ultimately very liberating to realize that you don't need to find Mr. Perfect, but rather someone you love and respect and is "good enough " (just like we are)! Agreed. Mr.Perfect may have A LOT OF FLAWS. Just hidden. Link to comment
Crazyaboutdogs Posted May 19, 2012 Share Posted May 19, 2012 The notion of "Mr Perfect" is misleading because nobody is perfect. However, there are lots of people who marry someone you love and respect and is "good enough " but they are missing the spark of romantic love. So they end up being unhappy in the marriage because they settled for someone who didn't really knock their socks off but was "good enough". That is called marriage of convenience...marriage for the sake of the social status and goals of 2.5 children, the picket fence, the home renovations, the minivan and all the other things that society deems as the life everyone should aspire to lead. Link to comment
In2theknight Posted May 19, 2012 Share Posted May 19, 2012 Being a guy, I know I'm not the target market for this book but I read it because of its rave reviews and since I do a dating podcast for guys, I read it to see what the "other team" is saying. I also highly recommend it. I've even suggested it to men, just so they can understand that, no, it's not always because there's something wrong with them. It's a tough love take on those that expect perfection in their mate but also expect to be accepted for who they are...flaws and all. Link to comment
Timebandit Posted May 20, 2012 Share Posted May 20, 2012 However, there are lots of people who marry but they are missing the spark of romantic love. So they end up being unhappy in the marriage because they settled for someone who didn't really knock their socks off but was "good enough". That is called marriage of convenience...marriage for the sake of the social status and goals of 2.5 children, the picket fence, the home renovations, the minivan and all the other things that society deems as the life everyone should aspire to lead. True. There are many people in "functional" relationships, without a spark. That being said, I honestly don't know many (if any) that lives happily ever after in a passionate relationship. Obligations, kids, work, and routines cools the flame for almost everybody. Sometimes I think that people have unrealistic expectations, about which level of spark and passion to expect in a long term relationship. You simply cannot have the sex-life, the spontaneity and the freedom in your thirties, fourties and fifties as you had in your twenties. (I am not suggesting that this was your point - just my observation) Link to comment
quirky Posted May 20, 2012 Share Posted May 20, 2012 What would you say is special about this book? I appreciate tough love but is it depressing as in it's lacking romance? Link to comment
Teachergurl28 Posted May 20, 2012 Author Share Posted May 20, 2012 Crazyaboutdogs, I know what you're saying, but I think that some people (like me) have an unrealistic ideal of that great guy. So, what happens is that many end up missing an opportunity with someone that doesn't meet everything on the "checklist", but is still a wonderful person and would make a great match. Link to comment
Teachergurl28 Posted May 20, 2012 Author Share Posted May 20, 2012 That's great that guys read it, too! Yes, actually I think either gender and various ages will benefit from this book! Thanks! Link to comment
Teachergurl28 Posted May 20, 2012 Author Share Posted May 20, 2012 Timebandit, Yes, I agree. The book actually says that the infatuation/ very passionate stage lasts for (tops) three years. Not that you cannot be very attracted to each other, but overtime the relationship changes. You develop more of a comfort with each other and less of the exciting but sometimes nerve-wracking tension. In one of the chapters she interviews a rabbi who says that when asked what they want in a partner, many people say they want someone they just feel comfortable with and can be themselves. But they also tell him that they want this incredible passion. He says that these two qualities don't entirely go together. I've found that after two years in a relationship, I felt like something was "missing" but really this was just the natural progression of the relationship. Many people break up with someone and they can't even articulate what is actually wrong in the relationship. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted May 20, 2012 Share Posted May 20, 2012 I meant to read this (in my friend's major city there was a loooongg waiting list at the library for it lol but was serious with someone at the time it was published) - I definitely could have used it in previous relationships although in hindsight the "something missing" just needed time to crystallize as to what the something was - in one serious relationship that AHA moment didn't happen until months after the last breakup. I did read an article she wrote which was excerpts from the book. Very interesting! Link to comment
Teachergurl28 Posted May 20, 2012 Author Share Posted May 20, 2012 Quirky, What's special about the book is that it offers a fresh perspective on love that you don't find in North American standards, film, or television. This is a "tough love" approach because it forces the reader to take a critical look at her past take on love. It also articulates that women have a "shelf life" at 35 years old. For those who women who have never been married and over 35 years old, it spells out to you the dangers on taking a perfectionist stance on love. Namely, possibly giving up having biological children and building a life with someone. Now, this claim is pretty extreme, because I know people who have found love at all stages of life. But it just a warning. The book is liberating also because it is a huge endeavor trying to find Mr. Perfect! He does not need to be perfect! Link to comment
Teachergurl28 Posted May 20, 2012 Author Share Posted May 20, 2012 Batya, I think the hardest thing is realizing if the "something missing" is something that is a deal-breaker! Sometimes, of course, it is. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted May 20, 2012 Share Posted May 20, 2012 Batya, I think the hardest thing is realizing if the "something missing" is something that is a deal-breaker! Sometimes, of course, it is. Yes, that is true but you also have to know yourself well enough to know whether that missing something is a dealbreaker. There are obvious dealbreakers and some not so obvious. I don't think the author recommends a marriage of convenience or a marriage without a spark or passion but does suggest redefining what passion and spark mean to you and whether it's worth the effort to revive the spark if it fades over time or because of stressful situations, etc. I don't go for the suggestion that people are like sheep who follow what society dictates about marriage and children. I think most people make their own decisions and desire marriage and family for very deeply held and personal reasons. Link to comment
Celadon Posted May 21, 2012 Share Posted May 21, 2012 I haven't read this book, but I agree with the admonition not to wait around for Mr. Perfect. I have many, many single girlfriends. They have been waiting for years, sometimes not even going on dates for months or years. What scares me the most for them is that they are all terrific women -- and they are all looking for roughly the same man: stable, funny, smart, financially stable, good-looking, loving, talented. I read a different book that encourages people to find someone with good relationship skills, someone who WANTS emotional closeness and isn't going to have the grass-is-greener syndrome once his infatuation with you wears off. That notion has really affected my thinking. I've dated men who were brilliant or talented, but they didn't want to have the kind of emotional closeness that my current bf wants. I do agree that you need some sort of spark, but I worry that my single friends are expecting too much and put too much stock in its importance over the long haul. There's a LOT that goes into a relationship. But mostly, like I said above, it feels like every girl friend is looking for the same guy (what's going to happen when he finally shows up? there will be a frenzy or women bidding for his attention!), and meanwhile there are plenty of good men who are interested in my friends and they won't even consider them. No one's perfect for anyone else. The ones who it seems like they are with their perfect mate have done a lot of work on their relationship, or they are good at keeping up appearances. Link to comment
Teachergurl28 Posted May 21, 2012 Author Share Posted May 21, 2012 Good points, Celadon! What was the name of the book you read? Link to comment
quirky Posted May 21, 2012 Share Posted May 21, 2012 Yes, I am curious too ! The thing is I actually feel that I have been settling so far, that I haven't gone for what I really wanted because I wasn't ready or didn't think it existed or that I deserved it. So I am not sure such book would help me. Link to comment
Celadon Posted May 22, 2012 Share Posted May 22, 2012 It's by Levine and Heller, and the title is "Attached." there are a few online articles and interviews with the authors if you want to just get a flavor of their ideas without buying the book. The book dives into "healthy" behaviors to look for in a partner and in a relationship, though. Link to comment
Timebandit Posted May 22, 2012 Share Posted May 22, 2012 It's by Levine and Heller, and the title is "Attached." there are a few online articles and interviews with the authors if you want to just get a flavor of their ideas without buying the book. The book dives into "healthy" behaviors to look for in a partner and in a relationship, though. I agree that 'Attached' is a very worthwhile book to read both for men and woman. Link to comment
Teachergurl28 Posted May 22, 2012 Author Share Posted May 22, 2012 Thanks for the suggestion, Celadon! Link to comment
Teachergurl28 Posted May 22, 2012 Author Share Posted May 22, 2012 Uh oh, I think I'm avoidant... Link to comment
Celadon Posted May 23, 2012 Share Posted May 23, 2012 I learned I'm anxious and avoidant! sigh... Link to comment
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