Boyfriend wants to wait for marriage; my hormones have other plans

[pufferfish]

I'm in a relationship with the love of my life, who I've been best friends with for two years but only officially started dating this February (although I've pretty much been in love with him since we first met). We are very, very emotionally close thanks to our long friendship, which has made this relationship one of the healthiest I've ever had. He's 30; I'm 25.

 

There's only one problem: he's very religious (Orthodox Christian), and I'm not (my leanings are more Buddhist, but I do believe in God and agree with a lot of Orthodox Christian beliefs). We've spent a lot of time discussing this and have realized that the core of our spiritualities are very similar even if we're coming from different angles. We deeply respect each other's beliefs, and we've already agreed on how we'd raise children if it comes to that.

 

The only remaining issue is that he's committed to waiting for marriage to have sex.

 

He had sex in two previous relationships, but both were a decade ago and he later decided that for spiritual reasons he wants to refrain from future sex until he's married. To him, this includes not only intercourse but also oral sex and manual touching. Basically nothing past second base. He also refrains from masturbation, and told me he's only masturbated a handful of times in the past 10 years, and not at all since 2007.

 

When he initially told me about this, my first reaction was to respect his choice because I love him and agree to stay abstinent, particularly because I could already see myself marrying him soon. I had sex in my last three relationships, but before that I had stayed a virgin until I got engaged when I was 21, so I could somewhat relate to where he was coming from. (I did have three more sexual partners after that, though.)

 

However, ever since I hit my mid 20s, my sex drive has been RAGING like never before. It's extremely hard for me to be around him, especially sleeping next to him when he's in nothing but his boxers, without getting unbearably turned on. I find him so attractive. We can't even kiss for very long because I start wanting to escalate it further. I've never felt so sexually frustrated before, or been in a relationship where the other person could resist their sexual desire so well. Part of the problem is that I had *zero* sex drive until I was about 20 or so due to anorexia in my teenage years, and now that my body is working normally again, it's like my girly parts want to make up for lost time.

 

He has told me he would "marry me yesterday if not for the impossibility of it" and has basically said he's ready to marry me whenever I feel I'm ready, because he knows I'm the one he wants to spend the rest of his life with. He also said that once we do become sexually active, he'll want it as often as I do (daily, at least). However, I'm growing nervous that my sex drive is going to be higher than his, especially since he's been able to go *so* long without masturbating and simply prays any time he feels aroused to make it go away. And I'm worried that I'm going to end up marrying him sooner than I truly feel ready for simply so we can finally have sex.

 

We've talked about my sexual frustration and he feels *really* bad about it, but I would feel even worse if he ended up compromising his value of abstinence just to make me happy -- and I worry that if the latter happened, he would come to resent me on some level for standing in the way of his spiritual growth.

 

After my previous engagement ended (BADLY), I resolved never to get engaged to anyone before being in a relationship with them for at least a year or two, so right now my future looks pretty sexless for quite a while.

 

I really, really want to make this work. I love and respect him with all my heart and have never met someone who made me feel so safe and uplifted before. I feel like we could have an amazing partnership, especially since we are such good friends at the core of it all. But that all rests on the assumption that I won't explode from sexual frustration before then, which is looking increasingly unlikely.

 

I feel almost embarrassed that this is so difficult for me, since I've never really considered myself a "sex-driven" person before and thoroughly enjoy other forms of intimacy. Darn you, biology!

 

I would like some honest opinions. Is this a disaster waiting to happen? Are my fears justified that if he finds it so easy to avoid masturbation and has gone a decade resisting sex that when/if we get married, nothing will change?

[pufferfish]

I forgot to mention, too, that if we were to get married, he would want to abstain from sex for 40 consecutive days each year during lent. This is also something I'm pondering as a potential problem.

[RedDress]

I forgot to mention, too, that if we were to get married, he would want to abstain from sex for 40 consecutive days each year during lent. This is also something I'm pondering as a potential problem.

 

Now that's taking it to a whole new level. Don't most people give up chocolate? LOL! Eek...

 

I know you said that you have gone through the belief systems and you've agreed on how to raise children, etc... but... really? I don't think this thread is about sex, to me it's about religion. He isn't slightly religious - he is very religious. In my opinion, people of differing religions can have a relationship but usually it's moderates to moderates. That's where you find the common ground.

 

I think you may be looking at the religion thing with rose-colored glasses. I think you are underestimating that impact.

 

If it's just about sex, the answer is easy. Get a ahem... aid. Don't sleep next to him in his boxers. Don't sleep next to him at all! He should be on the couch or something or in another bed. Don't put yourself into tempting situations.

 

I don't think it's fair to assume he has a low sex drive. Strong conviction can trump high sex drive. I think he has strong conviction.

 

... but again... I think your beliefs are more different than you are letting on. Perhaps you should meet with his minister/priest/person of faith to discuss how to otherwise deal with this? The other option is to elope. LOL!

[DylanNotorious]

Sorry but you've only been dating 3 months, so do you really expect to get married soon? Wouldn't you be better to wait and get to know him better. Being friends before is different as you were not dating each other.

[lavenderdove]

I never understand why people wanting to refrain from sex take up sleeping in the same bed with most of their clothes off! Of course it is frustrating for you... I'd stop that pronto...

 

There's an old and valid expression, marry in haste, repent in leisure! You haven't made a commitment to not masturbate, so stop getting in bed with him and don't spend a lot of time maknig out with him and to satifsy yourself go home and get a vibe and use it on yourself. You need to not marry just becuase you want to get laid!

 

You just don't know him well enough as a BF at this point to make that decision. And it would give me pause if he is that devout Christian and you aren't even Christian. That will come out in other ways once you marry. Perhaps he'll decide sex is only for procreation, and once you have a couple kids, that will be it... or that anything other than quickie missionary position sex is wrong. Or maybe he doesn't really like sex all that much if he can so easily give it up.

 

So take the edge off the sexual desire by stopping sleeping with him and going home and using a vibe to take the edge off. You need to be thinking clearly when you decide to marry rather than just thinking about how much you want sex. It could be VERY disappointing when you finally have it when you marry if he is sexually inhibited too, so think about that a bit...

[pl3asehelp]

I strongly agree with everything said here.

[abitbroken]

I think that once you are married, if you get married, the giving up sex for 40 days might be negotiable as marital sex is seen as sacred. But you never know - you could find that the period of fasting and cleansing refreshing and energizing for your marriage. I think that it is natural to wonder about sex drive, but since he has had sex before and is consciously abstaining, I think its different from if he never got past second base and you have. To abstain once having had sex, it takes a lot of self knowledge and discipline which should be respected.

 

I think that you should consider if this man is someone you want to marry. If he isn't, then move on and screw as many guys as you want. But if he is, then I would wait a little longer. I would be flexible on the 2 years before afterall, he has been your best friend for 2 years. I would think that it doesn't count as 2 full years perhaps but you shouldn't feel you have to wait 2 more years for someone you know so well.

 

And in marriages, heck, the woman doesn't feel so sexy after having a kid and the guy might need viagra at 70 so there is no guarantee that you will be like rabbits the whole time anyway. The key to good sex for the long term is verbal communication and emotional intimacy and if he is the type to like to talk about feelings and work through things, he is worth his weight in gold.

 

I would focus on things such as whether you feel he is compatible for you in the long term. While you are deciding, you can always masterbate. Also, don't you think you got to know him in a much deeper way not having jumped into bed with him?

 

Also, if you are going to first or second base, you know he isn't totally frigid. But I agree - if he is laying in the same bed naked stop it. I would think abstaining would also mean not getting naked and such. Otherwise that is "we do anything but." when people abstain for spiritual reasons its not usually about penetration yay or nay or the whole thing. You do know that if you are doing "anything but" you are probably somewhat compatible because you are feeling something, right?

 

On the other hand, if you don't think he is worth waiting for, then you should move on and let him find someone who thinks waiting for marriage is a small price to pay for a good guy.

[abitbroken]

You just don't know him well enough as a BF at this point to make that decision. And it would give me pause if he is that devout Christian and you aren't even Christian. That will come out in other ways once you marry. Perhaps he'll decide sex is only for procreation, and once you have a couple kids, that will be it... or that anything other than quickie missionary position sex is wrong. Or maybe he doesn't really like sex all that much if he can so easily give it up.

 

This is why you need to talk and not assume. have an honest conversation about what his expectations are and tell him if you do get married, you expect to have a rich sex life and not just once in a blue moon. And ask about his feelings about experimenting. Actually, I would say Christian men who feel sex is just procreation is not the norm - marital sex is considered sacred - and yes, for procreation meaning only with their wife but I highly doubt many men truly these days only have sex on that special several days of the month in hopes... but what do I know.. And if he is laying naked with you, I would say he is not one of these men who only want to do it once.

 

I would wait a bit to decide if your beliefs mesh or you are just searching for similarites to keep him. Would you be willing to raise your children in his faith if that was asked of you?

[leonardo5]

I can’t tell for others but just for me. Once I promised I won’t masturbate at all and I failed.

It was impossible for me to keep all sexual activity away.

I think you should discus what kind of birth control you will take. If he doesn’t allow you any, then you could end up carrying a lot of kids. If you are in agreement at this point or not, etc.

[PaintWithLight]

This guy has his sexually all twisted into a knot and you are along for the ride. You two have stars in your eyes as you talk about marriage and a life together (love of your life??). Both of you have made some mistakes in your past and now you are jumped all the way to the other side of the spectrum. He has had sex but now wants to shut it down for a decade?? You have been engaged before so now want to make sure that you have lots of "get to know you time" to avoid another mistake. Neither strategy is going to prevent problems.

 

He has a bundle of associations all mixed into his sexuality and that switch will not go green simply after the wedding. As as far as your raging libido, take the advice given and pleasure yourself and learn about your own body. I am glad that you have got a handle on your anorexia but that is a trigger waiting to happen if you get involved with a man who make you feel sexually undesirable.

 

Both of you sound very naive and unprepared for the realities of marriage. My concern is that it will not be the magic union that both of you are hoping. It can be a lot of grown-up hard work and negotiations. The fact that he and you cannot agree upon how to enjoy some level of sexual pleasure with each other does not bode well for a future issues.

[scklbad]

although i think giving up sex for lent is dumb, it always shocks me when people act lie no sex for one month or one week is like suicide....how much sex o you need!?!?? If you love him im sure 315 days of sex per yr would be enough.

[Fudgie]

You've only been dating a few months. Please slow down, okay? This is why I think people shouldn't refrain from sex before marriage because they tend to make hormone-fuelled choices about marriage.

 

Honestly, I think it sounds like you guys have a difference in sex drives. He's okay with giving up sex for 40 days for Lent? wow. I don't think you would be happy with that. Not telling you to leave the guy right away, but just be cautious, you know? Find out if you are compatible in other ways. The 2 years as friends matters a lot but it's not a reason to rush into marriage. Like you, I've known my boyfriend before dating (about 7 years, close friends the whole time) but there is no way I could be ready to marry him after something like 3 months. DATING someone is so very different than being friends with them.

 

Please take much more time, enjoy dating, and getting to know each other. Make sure that you are compatible or you could be rushing into a big mistake here.

[Stay_home]

I question the validity of his "devout" religious practices. I have no problem with the man just deciding that he would like to wait until marriage before having sex. To each his own, fine, do what you do. But I don't see what's so devout about him in the fact that he's willing to share the same bed (i.e., in his boxers). Does that not promote and encourage the feelings of sexuality? I don't understand that. But you are really sacrificing on a huge thing; exploring your very own level of sexuality as a young woman by choosing to be with someone who is not compatible with you. I think he's just a guy with a very low sex drive and I don't think that marriage is going to change anything about that.

 

If you choose to stay in this relationship than you have no choice but to accept his beliefs and as he puts it wait until marriage.

 

If not, then now is the time to be honest with yourself and come to terms with the fact that you both just are not on the same page.

[Lonewing]

although i think giving up sex for lent is dumb, it always shocks me when people act lie no sex for one month or one week is like suicide....how much sex o you need!?!?? If you love him im sure 315 days of sex per yr would be enough.

 

From what I have read, the people having sex on a regualr basis are also thse who do not have marital problems...this whole "It's just sex, our relationship can be strong without it" is a myth...perpetuated by naive people who have a negative relationship with sexuality...

 

How much sex do people need? In a good relationship, you're looking at anywhere between once every two weeks at the minimum to every other day as a routine...

 

I feel like we could have an amazing partnership, especially since we are such good friends at the core of it all. But that all rests on the assumption that I won't explode from sexual frustration before then, which is looking increasingly unlikely.

 

I feel almost embarrassed that this is so difficult for me, since I've never really considered myself a "sex-driven" person before and thoroughly enjoy other forms of intimacy. Darn you, biology!

 

I would like some honest opinions. Is this a disaster waiting to happen? Are my fears justified that if he finds it so easy to avoid masturbation and has gone a decade resisting sex that when/if we get married, nothing will change?

 

Seriously, you're a sexual being and you've accepted sexuality as a part of natural life - that's OK!!! He has not - it's very likely his idea of sex is only as a procreative tool. I'd dissaude even continuing this relationship - you're not of his belief system.

 

Nothing will change when you get married. Who people are now, will be who people are when they get married. That's my belief, at least. Getting married may even expand their behavior to expecting you to be even more like them when before they pretended to be respectful.

 

Sex is not a result; it is an activity. It is a basic component - its one of those things you Must have a partner to enjoy regularly. As such, it carries weight. And there's nothing worse than being mismatched in a relationship like this. But I'd suggest you look deeper at the religion mismatch before looking jsut at the sex mismatch. You're likely to realize you'll have difficulty planning trips, raising children, and just sharing your outlooks on life, the longer you go with this.

[markfromark]

In general I would recommend that only religious fanatics marry other religious fanatics. In the long run you will have to succumb to him as a wife and to his faith because that's the way he lives.

[Kydex30]

Not to worry, Pufferfish. I am also Orthodox Christian. I never masturbated in my life, was a virgin (hadn't even kissed!) when I married, and my wife and I now have a wonderful, healthy, active sex life with plenty of variety. As for the fasts, make sure your boyfriend knows (and if he's read the bible, he does) that a man's body belongs to his wife and vice versa, so if you want him, you've got him, fast or no fast! Any good priest will tell you that.

 

That said, you'll be a much happier couple if you're Orthodox, too; belonging to different religions tends to cause problems when kids come along, either for you or the kids. I think if you dig deeper you'll find that Orthodoxy has the fullness of the truth that you seek, and will lead to a life of blessedness and joy of greater depth than you or I could ever imagine, both in this world and in the next.

 

God be with you.