Is being a virgin a dealbreaker?

[Lonewing]

There's one other thing about the whole thing...

 

Everyone reacts differently to losing their virginity.

 

Even no reaction, is a profound reaciton in and of itself. The losing of virginity changes most people - some better, some worse. But irregardless, there is a change. Most of us do not wish to relive that change with someone else - we want to enter a relationship with the blinders all the way off. Virginity is a blinder, and you won't truly understand this until you've lost it. Once lost, you'll quite possibly regret who you lost it too, how you lost it, why you held out for so long, or quite possible revel in having finally made that milestone, being without that blinder, and truly knowing for yourself just precisely what this thing SEX is. Some will be angry and frustrated, though, that it wass not this wonderful magical mythical expereince, while others will have a wonderful magical experience even though they never thought they would. And then, some will finally just go up to a random blob one day just to get it overwith, and then carry on with a chip ont heir shoulder for the rest of their life.

 

All of these actions and reactions are the result of growth. Many of us want a partner who has already accomplished this growth - what is nostalgia for some, is nausea ad nauseum for others.

 

As women tell each other, the experience of bearing a child is a life altering experience, and so too is this.

 

Irregardless, we will in general always remember our first.

 

Taking virginity is thus a big responsibility, but it carries very little weight and little return, or at least, desireable return. After the deflowering is the training, and then finally sex may become that wounderful activity that it IS, but we're looking at months and years before even getting to the deflowering, followed by another spout of months and years getting Better at it. Heaven forbid the virgin has a hangup about sex post virginity, because then it could take decades for them to learn to enjoy sex. Those of us who enjoy sex, get plenty of the No Sex relationship just being single. Throw a virgin on top of it and you're adding pressure, along with the unknown reality that you don't know if they're going to come out of it liking sex or hating sex, let alone the future status of the relationship. All wrapped up, you now have a "I was getting more Sex when I was Single and exclusively dating Lilly and Jill" relationship, along with a "I have no idea when I will be getting any, but my chances were vastly better when I was single and the odds were unknown" relationship.

 

The development of maturity is the passing from Idealism to Realism.

[annie24]

I think everyone has their own "deal breakers" and that is their right to have them. Lonewing - just curious, what if you met a woman who had all of the qualities you are looking for in a girlfriend, you had chemistry with, and was smoking hot to boot, but you found out she was a virgin or relatively inexperienced. Would you continue to date her and take a chance on her, or would this be "Game Over?" And what if you found out she had slept with some large number of men, like let's say, over 100 (or whatever you would consider "a large number.") Would that be a deal breaker?

[AMWHOIAM]

I think everyone has their own "deal breakers" and that is their right to have them. Lonewing - just curious, what if you met a woman who had all of the qualities you are looking for in a girlfriend, you had chemistry with, and was smoking hot to boot, but you found out she was a virgin or relatively inexperienced. Would you continue to date her and take a chance on her, or would this be "Game Over?" And what if you found out she had slept with some large number of men, like let's say, over 100 (or whatever you would consider "a large number.") Would that be a deal breaker?

 

Just wanted to say that I agree with your assessment Annie. Once again, EVERYBODY has his or her own unique set of circumstances. That is MOST CERTAINLY the case with myself. I didn't wake up one day when I was 18 and say "well, I want to be the REAL 40 year old virgin". NOPE, it didn't happen that way for me. I joined the U.S. Marine Corps as a naive 18 year old and simply didn't realize what I was getting myself into with regards to demographics, the near 100% lack of single women, and the overall "dude fest" that is the Marine Corps. I also didn't realize that I had made a mistake by taking a job in CO SPGS, CO. Again, I SHOULD have researched where I currently live before I moved here as it is just another military town. Guys, it is common knowledge that military towns aren't good places for single men as most of the United States military consists of males. As I've said before, I will be moving to a city this upcoming summer in which I know beyond a shadow of a doubt is NOT a military town. I HOPE that the women that I will potentially meet in my new city will not hold it against me for being a virgin at 30. At least I DO NOT have any STIs and/or STDs.

[Lonewing]

I think everyone has their own "deal breakers" and that is their right to have them. Lonewing - just curious, what if you met a woman who had all of the qualities you are looking for in a girlfriend, you had chemistry with, and was smoking hot to boot, but you found out she was a virgin or relatively inexperienced. Would you continue to date her and take a chance on her, or would this be "Game Over?" And what if you found out she had slept with some large number of men, like let's say, over 100 (or whatever you would consider "a large number.") Would that be a deal breaker?

 

Black and White, hmmm?

My world is gray - balanced.

 

The preference is enough experience to know what's up.

Yes, thos virgin may be "perfect" before she loses it, but afterwards, there's no saying what may happen. The popular wisdom nowadays is that you have to experience more than just one in order to get a full understanding, at least I've heard this said and often. Now I don't necessarily believe this, but I am not her, and her friends are not me. Having had this one experience, the new question becomes one of how one compares to the next. People would say you don't know if you're having good sex and you don't know what you like until you've done it with at least a couple different partners and experienced a wider variety of acts. What if she discovers she's quite a bit more diviant than I will ever be? I prefer the woman I am with to already knows what her preferences are, and quite reasonably knows she likes sex and often. You might say this is a given, but then we see so many floundering relaitonship where couples go onto the "once a month" or "once a season" occurrence interval. No thanks - I'll sooner stay single.

 

And what if she discovers she Hates Sex? Instant deal breaker.

 

Ultimately it's not about how well we get along before that moment - it's about after that moment. First you put 6 months or more in front, and then afterward you add 3 or 4 more before she breaks it off, and then it's over because she's discovered something about herself and yes, it has to do with sex, that she didn't know before hand. Sex changes people. I prefer to be beyond that learning curve where relationships are a little more stable only because hopefully the person has figured out who they are and what they want.

 

 

Those who haven't lost their virginity are also likely to never have gone through a truly devastating breakup yet. They may think they have, but as a old firned of mine tells me, it was not the first and not the second serious relationship that hurt most, but the third. A relationship with sex, is a serious relationship - far beyond the "let's hold hands and pet" level. I'm looking for a woman, not a girl. If I do so find a girl who turns out to be as perfect as you set, yes, I'd be with her. However, I'd be quite anxious to see where things go as they progress. If she turns out to be the woman I'm looking for, then all be well. otherwise, we're looking at heartbreak city all overa gain for at least one of us and I don't necessarily mean her either.

 

 

The girl with 100 partners doesn't attract me. It takes a particular personality to do such a thing - and at that point, it's really more a matter of disease if anything. Something about my personality does not attract these women to me - it's a gift.

[icanicant]

I find that when i do start dating/seeing someone, as soon as they find out about my lack of experience in sex and relationships they immediately lose interest and i become some kind of leper lol

[skittles88]

Thanks everyone for the responses! I wasn't expecting this many. I do feel a little better reading through them and hopefully when the time comes, the guy will be understanding and not judge me.

[annie24]

Black and White, hmmm?

My world is gray - balanced.

 

The preference is enough experience to know what's up.

 

First off, thank you for your viewpoint. We don't share the same viewpoints, but that's ok. We're all entitled to our own preferences and deal breakers.

 

However, I would say that your viewpoint is more black and white thinking than mine. Right now, at work, I am doing a lot of large data analysis and when working with large datasets, you have to throw away some data that looks bad, but maybe isn't bad. It's hard to tell. But, you don't have the time or capacity to look at each data point on a case by case basis, and you have to start somewhere, so you have to toss some stuff out. It is like that scene in that movie - i don't remember which one - but the guy can't inherit his fortune unless he gets married by his 30th birthday. or some other nonsense. so, there are literally thousands of women lined up in wedding dresses and he doesn't know how to choose. so he says, "ok, no women over 150 lbs!!" and there is an uproar!! of course, his perfect match might be 152 lbs, but damnit, he has to choose somehow!!!

 

What i'm saying is, I understand your "no virgin and no 100+ partner cutoffs" but depending on her individual circumstances, she could be a good match for you. Like I said - just depends on the reason for her virginity or her high number of partners. but of course, you don't have all the time in the world to date every woman who comes into your life, and you want to maximize compatibility while minimizing time and investment. so, i get that all. But you could be throwing away some good women in the process. just sayin......

 

on a somewhat related note, i am hesitant to date men who have never left the country because it hints to me that they don't have a very open view of the world and aren't willing to try new things. But I guess that is different from a man who WANTS to travel but hasn't had the opportunity, vs. a man who refuses to travel (yes, they are out there!) I would just think our compatibiity would not be there.

[annie24]

Thanks everyone for the responses! I wasn't expecting this many. I do feel a little better reading through them and hopefully when the time comes, the guy will be understanding and not judge me.

 

maybe this is cliche, but i think that the right man for you would understand and love you for it.

[diamond78]

maybe this is cliche, but i think that the right man for you would understand and love you for it.

 

Absolutely agree!

[hiswife]

I love sex and have had lots of great sex in my life.

I never expected to come accross a virgin and yet i did...he was 33.

It shocked me, surprised me, and truthfully I had to think long and hard about whether this was a deal breaker.

But you know what? I liked him enough that it wasn't.

And that's pretty much your bottom line.

There's nothing wrong with being a virgin.

Not everyone's into it, and that's fine too.

But when someone likes you enough, nothing's a deal breaker.

At the time, I just thought he was really brave for telling me and I appreciated the honesty.

[scklbad]

hiswife i'm proud of you for not leaving him for that ''dealbreaker''

 

what about his virginity was a possible dealbreaker?

I love sex and have had lots of great sex in my life.

I never expected to come accross a virgin and yet i did...he was 33.

It shocked me, surprised me, and truthfully I had to think long and hard about whether this was a deal breaker.

But you know what? I liked him enough that it wasn't.

And that's pretty much your bottom line.

There's nothing wrong with being a virgin.

Not everyone's into it, and that's fine too.

But when someone likes you enough, nothing's a deal breaker.

At the time, I just thought he was really brave for telling me and I appreciated the honesty.

[BrianH46]

I think what your guy friends meant by the virgin deal breaker comment only pertains to prude virgins. Virgins that mostly likely would not enjoy the act of sex. I've dated one before and although our connection was phenomenal and extremely rare I will admit that I chose to end it because we just were not compatible sexually. Your friends most likely meant that as well when they said virgins are a deal breaker simply due to sexual incompatibility. A virgin who isn't a virgin by choice though, most likely has no bearings in their decision. If I connected with a girl on an intellectual basis and we are physically attracted to one another and want to have sex, whether she is a virgin or not means nothing to me, just means it'll be much more in the sack when I teach her how to move.

 

I admire people who choose to maintain their chastity however that isn't how I live my life, I'd much rather find a girl who shares the same sexual views as me. As for a girls sexual history I find it better not to ask, there is no point, their previous sex life is a private matter that belongs to them and their previous lover just as your current love life is private between you and her. However always make sure to get an STD screening when having sex with someone new and always use protection

 

So back to your original concern, no I would not find a virgin like you a deal breaker, I would actually be very attracted to you given we have chemistry.

[hiswife]

I just knew that if he'd waited that long (involuntarily), that he had some issues surrounding sex.

And as a person who really enjoys and values sex, it was hard to imagine being in a relationship where that wouldn't be easy.

Knowing what he knows now, he'd do things soooo differently, and I'm really proud of him for how far he's come.

We still don't have it easy, we are still working on his issues, but I really believe that even though it wasn't my path, that virginity is not some disease. It's part of life. Every one of us has gone through it! And everyone deserves a special first time. I was glad I could give that to him.

[Lonewing]

How is she a good match if she doesn't know if she likes sex?

 

Perhaps you dismiss Sex as being an important match compnent, but I'd suggest it carries at least 20% of the compatibility weight versus all other components. This is one of those questions that can only be answered with experience, and quite frankly, I'm not about to accept a match who is great accross the board and has no feelings about sex one way or another, much less dislike it outright. If she hasn't had sex yet, there's a lot of things she hasn't get gone through in life - I may date her, but the volatility of such an investment of my time is pretty high. I'm not about to date another volatile girl any time soon.

 

I would also say that a virgin is far less volatile than the 100+ partner girl, so she's the better choice as far as picking a long term relationship partner, but in my experience, the 100+ also has the social skills necessary to seal any deal she wants, so she's more likely to get a relaitonship - even if its only a couple hours - if she wants it. As the Eagles say, "you can't get it anyhow, if you don't already know how to go." There's a lot of truth to this. Sex itself is part of it; Getting There is another; What Happens Afterwards is the last part. A virgin lacks all three experiences, and they can be quite pivotal to one's life. Another part, I'd rather have a girl who loves me because she knows she loves me, and isn't simply infatuated because of sex. Obviously this is an issue no matter how many partners a girl has had, though, but I do believe it becomes less of an issue the further out one gets.

 

Yes, I do have other cutoffs; high weight is one of them, which means I'm missing out on some phenomonal matches who are overweight - but I correlate weight with self esteem issues, so I figure I'm not missing out on much. I have no desire to be with the super skinny, either - same issue, just the opposite direction.

 

There's others that fall in to the education/lack of comprehension skills/skeptism/blind faith category. I include religion, here, along with vegans/vegetarians. The barefoot runner people, are also in this category. I'm sure they're fabulous peple, and my mom may be amongst the super religious, but I'm more than happy to tolerate something where I have no choice, such as family. Where I do have choice, I'll do without.

 

I can only imagine that for an older girl [27+], still being a virgin could be a pretty anxious issue. I'm not sure how well I'd fare with a girl who's always thinking "OMG, this moment might lead to it!" in the back of her mind. I prefer a partner who knows in general what direction she wants it to go, before it's ever even occurred, and has no issues playing towards it. I suppose you could say I'm looking for a dance partner who already has Dance 101 under her belt. I don't want a world famous ballet artist, of course, but just enough experience so that if we were to be out and there was dancing, it would be natural for the both of us to go what comes next.

 

P.S. I've met a man who's been to 52 countries and 48 states. I have yet to meet a more close-minded man - closeminded is not necessarily a bad thing, either. When people ask others to be openminded, they're often asking others to accept something they don't necessarily like or to care about something they have otherwise no care about and won't care no matter how much you evidence you show them one way or another.

 

This man, by the way, has an undergraduate science degree and two graduate degrees, a military retiree having served in two branches as both enlisted and officer, and he is quite proud of the fact that he never obtained either a high school diploma or even a GED. You learn all sorts of things from people...

 

I'm also not supercharged about people who have pictures of themselves all around the world but haven't the first bit of knowledge about their local area. When I see such girls, I see dollar signs I want nothing to be part of.

[Day_Walker]

In theory, I would say that being a virgin at 24 is not a dealbreaker but in practice I would say that the the majority of the time it is. Her reason for being a virgin would be important and it would be important how she defines her virginity, if that is being limited to vaginal sex or if she has had other sexual encounters. It would have to judgment call based on factors that I mentioned and others as well.

[Phoenixfire]

I know i can't be one to talk at 16, but i think that a girl being a virgin would not be a deal breaker for me, even at your age...

( Jeez, i'm making you sound old... )

 

No matter if your virginity is by choice or not, if he really cares for you he will accept and love everthing about you.

It's not about experiance or not, if you plan on being with someone for a long time, you will have plenty of time to "improve". You might suck the first time, you might be amazing, it doesn't matter... and if it does, youmay want to take anothe rlook a tthat relationship...

 

Personally, i find virgins a bit of a turn on... But that doesn't really matter either

[MD Geist]

If your a woman than being a Virgin later in life isn't so bad but now if your a guy different story.

 

Its been nothing more than a difficult time for me just trying to date a woman let a lone trying to get to a point were I can have sex.

 

I've come to conclusion I may end up visiting Vegas this summer. Paying someone to get it over and done with.

[AMWHOIAM]

If your a woman than being a Virgin later in life isn't so bad but now if your a guy different story.

 

Its been nothing more than a difficult time for me just trying to date a woman let a lone trying to get to a point were I can have sex.

 

I've come to conclusion I may end up visiting Vegas this summer. Paying someone to get it over and done with.

 

OK, so now I am REALLY convinced that there is something inherently WRONG with Colorado's dating climate. Not that its any of my business or anything, but you wouldn't happen to live in the Springs would you? The lack of any type of decent dating scene is a common complaint by single guys in Colorado Springs. In fact, if you read the rants and raves section of Craigslist for Colorado Springs, there are guys who CONSTANTLY moan and complain on an almost daily basis about how horrible the singles scene is in Colorado Springs. I'm not sure about the Denver metro area, but every single woman that is in her 20s that I have met while in Colorado Springs already has a boyfriend that she met while in junior high or high school and that is NOT an exaggeration. Colorado just seems flat our weird to me in terms of its lack of a dating/singles scene. Colorado seems to be a VERY family oriented state as compared to mid-atlantic and/or states in the upper southeastern United States.

[EQIQ]

Please move to another state, and stop complaining. When you have moved to 10 different states and 50 different cities, you might then realize that the problem is you, and not Colorado Springs. Who knows, maybe by then you can start fixing the real problem.

 

To the OP. As far I know there are a lot of guys who would want to take a girl's virginity away... for quite a few it's an extra "tick mark in the accomplishment's portfolio". And there are also good guys, who will like you, for you, for who you are, and then this won't matter to them either. I find that it would matter for guys that want it easy, don't have to worry about the girl being scared, about having to be careful, or about traumatizing the girl lol. Usually wimps, or lazy, or just don't want to bother with it, just want a good time with no worries.

 

If you are going for one night stands, this can be more of a problem than if you were going for long term relationships.

[gingerlemon]

I married a virgin who was much older than you.

[Generation]

(didn't read any post other than first one)

 

Not a deal breaker for me. I'd actually question (in my head) if they really were virgins or not cause some women lie, my friend's ex did (cause her ex and my friend had a drink together and laughed about it one night) but the reason why it's a deal breaker to some of my friends is cause they care more about what goes on in the bed rather than the actual relationship aspect, whereas I care more about the relationship as opposed to the sex. Know what I mean? It's easier to sleep with someone if they've already had sex, it's also easier to be detached, and though I'm not saying it'll make the relationship any less meaningful, it's just easier to go from 1st base to home. It's nothing to be ashamed of. I actually go for long term meaningful relationships so when it happens, it happens. I'm not the type to wait until marriage though but I am one to wait.

[MD Geist]

I lived in Colorado Springs for 25 years and moved just recently to California.

 

My time there was difficult especially in dating, Every woman I had ever met was already in a relationship, kids or had some serious mental disorder. Unless your military or you've got money you won't get play in that city, women simply know they are a rare commodity and will command a higher price to date.

 

Here in California different story. Women do like sex here and aren't afraid to let the world know that but if your a virgin thats a deal breaker to most. You must be experienced.

 

I know in June I'm going up to Las Vegas and seeing an escort to get it over and done with.

 

 

 

 

 

If you look back on my posts from the past all of my frustrations came from the cluture of that place. Its impossible to date there so don't preach the BS of its not the city but its you when all girls are programed to go after Military men rather than be more open minded to date college students or whatever else. I live now in Oceanside California, Sure I'm still having the same problem connecting with women but I can atleast find some girls out here that aren't so hell bent on trying to get with a Marine like they were back in the Springs with the Army guys. I can also find a girl without kids to! unlike the Springs were most girls at my age were already married or finally getting divorced with kids at 25.... here I've met girls who haven't even been in a long term relationship yet, sure they've dated someone for six months or so thats it. The only Major problem with women here in California is sex.

 

Again if you aren't experienced in bed they won't want to be with you because they don't like to teach. But as long as you don't answer if your still a virgin or not you can get a date quite easily here.

[floofy]

I lived in Colorado Springs for 25 years and moved just recently to California.

 

My time there was difficult especially in dating, Every woman I had ever met was already in a relationship, kids or had some serious mental disorder. Unless your military or you've got money you won't get play in that city, women simply know they are a rare commodity and will command a higher price to date.

 

Here in California different story. Women do like sex here and aren't afraid to let the world know that but if your a virgin thats a deal breaker to most. You must be experienced.

 

I know exactly what you mean. I think that's what I hate about California. I was taunted in high school for being a virgin. And I'm still a virgin, at the age of 20. Sometimes, I wonder why my parents thought LA was a good city to live in. I guess that also ties into this thread. I never found being a virgin a problem. But society and the mentality of people here in LA is that if you're a virgin, you're a deal breaker for men, because you'll become this clingy and annoying girl that will stick to them like glue. I hate that. I just never found anyone that I really liked.

[Lonewing]

I know exactly what you mean. I think that's what I hate about California. I was taunted in high school for being a virgin. And I'm still a virgin, at the age of 20. Sometimes, I wonder why my parents thought LA was a good city to live in. I guess that also ties into this thread. I never found being a virgin a problem. But society and the mentality of people here in LA is that if you're a virgin, you're a deal breaker for men, because you'll become this clingy and annoying girl that will stick to them like glue. I hate that. I just never found anyone that I really liked.

 

By far the BEST reason to remain a virgin!

[annie24]

link removed

 

Here is an article on deal breakers. thought it was kind of interesting in terms of this discussion.