Is being a virgin a dealbreaker?

[v9996]

No way! That's very special. I know it sounds cheesy, but seriously. People like you are hard to come by. Even if your first partner isn't a virgin, it will still be special to them. The thought of you being a virgin might even be a plus for some people, especially if it's a romantic partner and not just a sexual one. Your friends are probably too embarrassed to admit that something like being a virgin is okay. There is nothing wrong with it, nothing dorky or weird. Your time hasn't come, so what? You don't need to rush into that... When it happens, it happens. And it just hasn't happened yet.

[ApocalypseDreams]

Personally I wouldn't be bothered by the idea of my girlfriend being a virgin. As long as you she was a well rounded person and her virginity was related to some some greater issue that is likely to cause problems in the relationship. If she is a healthy minded individual who hasn't found the right person yet then that's cool. Infact, I'd be honored that she thought so highly of me that she wanted to share it with me.

 

I think it's probably a dealbreaker for most. That doesn't mean that you are doomed though. The world is made up of all different types of people, with different tastes and what not.

[Natasha24]

I'm not a virgin but I'm pretty inexperienced when it comes to sex. I talked to a guy friend about this and he told me that lots of guys LOVE when a girl is inexperienced. Not only does she not have anyone to compare him to (meaning sex with him will technically be the "best sex" she's ever had), but they enjoy teaching her what to do. It's easier to tell someone from the start what you like, and since that's all she knows, that's all she'll ever do with you. If she has fooled around with a lot of guys, she'll have her own "moves" that the guy might not necessarily enjoy.

 

Don't worry about this. It sounds cliche, but when you find a guy that really cares for YOU, he won't care about your sexual experience.

[ClarenceRutherford]

I was out with a group of classmates from my grad program for drinks one day after class and we started talking about relationships. One guy brought up how he met a girl who was still a virgin at 24 and said that it was a definite deal breaker for him. And then pretty much everyone I was with agreed that meeting someone who was still at a virgin at our age was a dealbreaker for them.

 

Now this has me extremely worried because I am a 23 year old virgin. I'm not waiting to have sex for religious reasons, I'm just very shy and haven't dated a lot. So what do you think? Is it a dealbreaker? Would you not date someone because they are a virgin?

Those friends of your's have a very negative attitude, OP.

 

Indeed, I'd think more of a woman I met who was still a virgin in her mid-late 20s and early 30s.

There's nothing at all "wrong" with being a virgin at any age.

It demonstrates a person's temperament and shows, in many cases, how they're not so easily persuaded to "go with the crowd" and shows they have their own mind and are waiting for the right person...

[ClarenceRutherford]

Well-stated.

There is something to be said about waiting for the right person, whether for moral or religious reasons.

And there's absolutely nothing wrong about waiting for religious reasons either.

[ClarenceRutherford]

Guys/ gals,

There is absolutely nothing wrong with being a virgin at any age.

In my late 20s, dated 29 and 30 y.o. virgin women and knew guys who remained virgins into their early 30s.

I have a work colleague who's in his 50s and is a virgin, judging by his facebook posts. This guy is well-respected in his field and has a lot of friends, so I don't think there's something wrong with him...

 

Had limited sexual experience before I met my future wife @30 and she had only one partner years before me.

 

So..... bec. I had sex too early @17-18, that somehow makes me BETTER than a 26-30 y.o. who hasn't?

 

Me having the "I'VE HAD SEX" membership card makes me a better dating prospect?

 

13 y.o.s now have sex. So they're better than someone at 26 who hasn't given themselves to someone else yet?

 

There are many misconceptions out there.

 

Virgins aren't necessarily "better" than non-virgins.

Non-virgins aren't AUTOMATICALLY superior to the virgins.

 

Those who wait until marriage or engagement before engaging in intimate acts, for moral, religious or practical reasons, I truly respect those. And wish I had waited.

Getting involved with sex @17 is one of my biggest regrets...

 

It's all a matter of opportunities and life choices .... and the kind of person one is.

 

 

[lalalollipops]

I think it's not a deal breaker for most decent people. Insecurity is a turn off though, so some people might stick with more sexually confident people cos they don't want to deal with all that 'hesitancy?'

I dunno. For me I don't mind that much, though I'd prefer somebody that had experience and feels comfortable about things.

[gluestick]

I don't think it's a dealbreaker. Just because someone has had lots of sex doesn't mean he/she is good at it. And just because someone who hasn't had much experience automatically mean he/she sucks. The most important thing in bed is enthusiasm and passion IMO.

[Lonewing]

I don't think it's a dealbreaker. Just because someone has had lots of sex doesn't mean he/she is good at it. And just because someone who hasn't had much experience automatically mean he/she sucks. The most important thing in bed is enthusiasm and passion IMO.

 

And someone who does not have sex is a far greater unknown than someone who does have sex.

[Lonewing]

A driver's license does not automatically make you a better driver than someone without one, but it's far more likely that you have at least driven a car before if you do hold a drivers license. It's the same thing. On that metaphorical note, literally speaking I refuse to date any girl without a drivers license either.

 

The issue is, the old way of thinking about sex is the destination. Sex is just part of the journey to the destination, nothing more, nothing less.

 

Having your V-card punch is indeed like having your Drivers License. The person still working on getting their DL still has learning anxiety while driving. Riding shotgun with them is NOT fun. The number of skirmishes with whatever they are driving is likely high. Chances are, you will be driving them EVERYWHERE, even after they get their DL. At this point in my life, I seek a mature partner. A person who does not have a DL in my mind is not yet mature - they have not crossed that threshold towards taking control of their own life. Thsoe who have lost their DL [comparatively speaking, we'll say those who can no longer have sex, have high numbers of kids, can no longer reproduce], or have a massive number of points on their license [bad diseases, low numbers of kids] , are what I consider "unnecessary risks." No matter how much fun they may be, NO THANKS. A suspended license [increasing with frequency] is often a good predicator for future behavior...

 

The person who already has their DL most likely has confidence backed by experience that leads to natural "one with the car" spirit. That is the kind of partner I seek - one who has the sense of knowledge to be one with me. It's not about the number of cars that person has driven, it's about the fact alone that they drive.

[annie24]

It's funny you say that. I don't have a driver's license because I've always lived in big cities and never needed one. I am what someone would consider a functioning member of society: I own a home, have a phd, have a job, pay my taxes, etc... I'll probably get one in the next few years, but honestly, I've never needed a DL. It's so much easier and cheaper to take public transportation in a big city, or a taxi if I am in a crunch.

[ClarenceRutherford]

Of course, someone should have SOME knowledge about sex, but having a lot of "experience" really isn't required to be happy and successful in a relationship.

Having sex isn't rocket science.

 

Geez. Even 13 y.o.s have sex now. Those are "better" than a virgin guy/gal in their 20s?

 

A sub-teen is to be respected more than a mature adult who knows what he/she wants, possesses morality, is avoiding getting too sexual bec. of religious reasons?

 

Continuing your driving analogy, some of us like the new car smell, don't mind "teaching" them (not that it's really necessary) and prefer to date partners that don't have a lot of miles on them....

[lalalollipops]

^ I think it's no big deal if it's bc they're religious or wanting to hold out bc they want to do it with sb they find really special... But alot of the time the reason they're still a virgin is cos they can't' help it. Nobody wants them.

 

SO in that that case, they're not appealing in any sense.

Most of the time, better sex does take more practice. That's why they say Virgin boys usually suck at the start.

[Lonewing]

It's funny you say that. I don't have a driver's license because I've always lived in big cities and never needed one. I am what someone would consider a functioning member of society: I own a home, have a phd, have a job, pay my taxes, etc... I'll probably get one in the next few years, but honestly, I've never needed a DL. It's so much easier and cheaper to take public transportation in a big city, or a taxi if I am in a crunch.

 

It's a bigger deal out here, simply because there's so much distance between spaces... Not have a DL and a car out here is really quite close to being Disabled. even in the cities. Yes, public transit is there, but the time difference to get accross town is 20 minutes by private vehicle and 2-3 hours [one way] by public bus.

 

So yes, conversly, there are communiities where sex is not valued in the first place, or so blown out of proportion that it's only brought down like the yule log.

[Lonewing]

Of course, someone should have SOME knowledge about sex, but having a lot of "experience" really isn't required to be happy and successful in a relationship.

Having sex isn't rocket science.

 

No, it isn't. It takes willingness, confidence, and intuition - something that is largely lacking within the vigrin population. theintuitionis the toughest part, it's that element that eads from "Hi, we're just friends talking" to "hey, we're in bed having sex." Virgins do not have this intuition, which means you're looking at a fair a mount of anxiety and awkwardness between the two points. The willngness to have sex is usually bound up by an edict that is no longer really appropriate for their maturity [those who are truly of age and ready for serious long term relaitonships] or in short, hesitant when things otherwise feel natural. And finally, confidence: there's nothing more dehabilitating in bed than a partner who is not yet confidnet in themselves, in their bodies, and in having sex, to the act of sex. Confidence is developed by and large through experience, and even if it can be gained other ways, it's much more time consuming to do so. Low experience goes both ways - on one hand, you have a wishywashy person in bed who has no idea what they want, but hesitant to try anything, while on the other hand you have a person who's still figuring out what they want and don't want to do, sexually. This means you may have a partner who does not yet have the confidence to stand up and firmly say, "No, I do not wish to have anal." Or you have a partner who's not yet ready to experience orgams because it feels weird [like "I gotta pee"] and it's still confusing.

 

All of these things are things I prefer to avoid. I prefer a woman who knows precisely what she likes, what she wants, and what she's willing to tolerate even though it's not her preferred cup-of-tea. I prefer a woman who at least masturbates, because that means she at least knows what it feels like, knows she can do it, and isn't uptight about such acts or uptight about her own anatomy. And yes, I prefer a woman who is responsible - which goes back to how reckless she is in who she sleeps with, how many stds/pregnancies she's contracted, and how she's dealt with it. ALL or NONE is about the most immature position I can imagine, it's Black and White and we do not live in a black and white world.

 

Geez. Even 13 y.o.s have sex now. Those are "better" than a virgin guy/gal in their 20s?

 

At sex, yes, even if they shouldn't be doing it in the first place.

 

A sub-teen is to be respected more than a mature adult who knows what he/she wants, possesses morality, is avoiding getting too sexual bec. of religious reasons?

 

It's called maturity; we widely recognize that what is appropriate at one age is not appropriate at a later age and vice versa. My driving analogy, for instance, we publicly limit the driving age here to 16, with the option to get a learners permit at 15.5, and for good reason. Before 15.5, even though some people can drive very well, they're simply not mature enough to handle that responsibility. However, we are not static; once an individual hits adulthood, proper, holding the DL becomes a solid symbol of growing maturity.

 

Continuing your driving analogy, some of us like the new car smell, don't mind "teaching" them (not that it's really necessary) and prefer to date partners that don't have a lot of miles on them....

 

I chaulk it up to perversion, mostly - there's a whole block of porn dedicated to the cherry. Those who like the "new car smell" are typically not good long term partners in the first place; they bounce from partner to partner with a long string of short relationships behind them, each time ne partner "get's old" or the relationship goes stale. The learning curve is present in all relationships, so it's a moot point. My partner, however, is not the Car - that would be a mistake of perception to make. The car is the sphere, the vehicle, the system that allows the act to happen. I don't need my partner to be a rally driver or a stunt driver, just experienced enough to be confident on the road.

[ClarenceRutherford]

 

The willngness to have sex is usually bound up by an edict that is no longer really appropriate for their maturity [those who are truly of age and ready for serious long term relaitonships] or in short, hesitant when things otherwise feel natural.

Not really.

Plenty of men and women are sexually responsible before marriage.

It's not some "edict" but a goal or suggestion most major world religions advocate.

 

But your path is different so that's fine and understandable why you may not understand that route.

 

 

 

Continuing your driving analogy, some of us like the new car smell, don't mind "teaching" them (not that it's really necessary) and prefer to date partners that don't have a lot of miles on them....

 

 

I chaulk it up to perversion, mostly - there's a whole block of porn dedicated to the cherry. Those who like the "new car smell" are typically not good long term partners in the first place; they bounce from partner to partner with a long string of short relationships behind them, each time ne partner "get's old" or the relationship goes stale. The learning curve is present in all relationships, so it's a moot point. My partner, however, is not the Car - that would be a mistake of perception to make. The car is the sphere, the vehicle, the system that allows the act to happen. I don't need my partner to be a rally driver or a stunt driver, just experienced enough to be confident on the road.

That's gross and nothing of the sort of what I was referencing.

I meant innocent and not someone who sleeps around a lot.

 

Most guys only get one chance to deflower a virgin, so a fetish like that is odd and not at all what most people engage in.

 

You're the one that brought up the "car" analogy, so was playing off that.

[Lonewing]

Yes it is gross. What's so noble or "innocent" about a man desiring a virgin in the first place? And these religions you wish to bring into this discussion, which I'm trying the damndest to ignore, how many of these religions have a double standard that allows men to have all the sex they wish, but penalizes women for even thinking about not being a virgin? It's all a perversion, plain and simple, to it's core.

 

Most people simply engage in sex, enjoy it, and there's no issue. I do not call sexual inexperience "Innocence" once someone is of age; I call it Naivete. Having sex does not mean one sleeps around alot, and yet, that seems to be the conclusion one has if someone is not a virgin. Having sex means one has had enough experience to know and to enjoy having sex - that does not mean harlotdom or hookerdom, yet that seems to be the extreme that is put up alongside virginity. Just because she [or he] has had sex deos not mean she's a ____ or a _____, it just means she has had sex. Just because he or she enjoys sex, does not mean he or she is a ____ or a ____, either. It just means this person Enjoys having sex. I'm an adult, and I desire a partner who is likewise capable of engging in adult activities, and it takes more than just having parts to do so.

 

An adult who responsibly manages their sex life is very similar to one who responsibly manages their credit, or their career, or their academic performance, or any other aspect that is a part of normal adult life. AKA, it's very Desireable. If you can handle another analogy, think of a virgin as someone who has absolutely No Credit history - they may have been very responsible with thier cash this whole time, but because of their credible lack of experience, they have very low credit scores and thus banks are less willing to give them car loans, mortgages, or such without very high interest rates or high down payment reqirements. Experience Counts!

 

I did bring up the "Car" analogy, but at no point did I say the other partner is the Car itself. There are people who do think of their partner as the car, which is an unfortunate mistake.

 

The Car is the relationship, but without sex, that Relationship is sitting in Park or Neutral or playing around in the parking lot learning how to run through cones and stop between the lines. Maybe you have nostalgia for that time in your life and enjoy reliving it, but I'm at the point where I wish to go places, and I do not wish to be driving the entire time because my partner lacks a driver's license.

 

I want an Equal Partner - the reason Virginity is a Dealbreaker, is because a Virgin is not an equal partner with another person who has already had sex. They can become one, but I dare say the reason so many call this a deal breaker is because in our combined experience, time and time again the virgin partner does NOT become an equal partner in that relationship.

[Donovan79]

That was extremely well put, Lonewing.

[sara-pezzini]

this is just total BS!!!!

i was a virgin when i met my bf, was in my thirties already and it took a long time to open up, trust and let him in, he was patient, took the time, treated me very well and when we finally did have sex, well not long after that i gave him a prostate massage, something that all his previous gf's had not done for him, i was always interested in sex, and knew i wanted it and would be good at it too, but i never met anyone with who i wanted to share that special part of myself and my bf now benefits greatly from it...

what you are saying just doesn't make sense, so i was a virgin and that would have been a dealbreaker for you? well you could be missing out on something special, there are many non-virigns out there who are not doing what i am doing, i am open to pretty much anything and i love to experiment and i love sex, love it......so to exclude a virgin is just pretty closed minded...

and to compare it ot financial situation as in not being good with money is the most ridiculous thing i ever heard, cause also there you have people with lots of financial experience who are now getting into debts..... i know someone who was a financial EXPERT working at a bank, who is now bankrupt......

lots of experienced car drivers who get into fatal accidents...

so this just doesn''t make sense AT ALL...

[Donovan79]

Would you call that financial expert a responsible person?

 

I personally wouldn't date a virgin. Not because of the fact that she's a virgin, but because if she's 30 and still hasn't slept with a guy, that's an indication that our lifestyles are just very different, and we probably won't have much in common. Could I be missing out on a lot of sweet, wonderful girls? Of course. But there's plenty more girls who are just as sweet and wonderful who have gone through the dating and experiences I have, and have had sex, and will have therefore more in common with me. It's not a judgment on virgins, it's just me preferring more similar people.

[sara-pezzini]

i am just glad my BF wasn't as closed minded....

[Lonewing]

Your financial expert would be akin to a sexual expert. An expert at sex, who would that be...a prostitute? See, here you go again thinking BLACK or WHITE. A Ton of experience here is Not necessary; what is, is enough experience to be fully aware. You cannot be fully aware until after you've done it. You CAN be fully aware and still know you DON'T like Doing it, but at least then there isn't "Oh, she just doesn't know because she's a virgin." Either way, Virgins are Colorless - they may very well be black but they could just as well be white, or any shade in between. It's a huge unknown risk.

 

You will be able to find anecdotes like yourself all over, people who are amazing even without any prior partners. I did well enough with my ex, myself being the virgin. However, there were a lot of things I did NOT do well, and that was fully because of my lack of experience - my lack of experience with Real Relationships. That relationship lasted 2.5 years. Yes, sex did play a role in extending the longevity of that relationship, for both of us, but I did learn quite a bit about where that relationship was at points thoughout based upon our sex life. There's a lot of lessons there learned; I'd wish my partner to already be a scholar, and not a freshman. Freshmen change their majors too much, depending on the week, the weather, the dreamy guy in the second row - no thanks. I want a graduate who already knows what they want and where they're going in life - and this includes what they want in their sex life. I'd very well say, a virgin is very much akin to a freshman. No thanks...

 

Most people turn out to be responsible partners, but the risk of ending up with a partner who has no value for sex, or has no desire for sex, is extremely high for men. Hence, we have to hedge our bets as best as possible if we wish to end up in a relationship where there is a steady sex life. It's not because we're being mean, it's because Far too many women prior have already gone ahead and proven they are simply not into sex.

 

Obviously, every person has to get their start somewhere, but I really prefer if it's not with me. After the First Love comes the First Breakup, which again is really common with virgin lovers. Chances are extremely high that who they are at the beginning of the relationship will not be who they are near the end. What happened? Idealism met reality and woke up the ghost. I prefer to be entering their life when they're good well and ready [in full conscience] to enter a long term relationship, knowing full and well that a good sex life IS an important part of a long, successful union. And yes, I do prefer to be with that partner who HAS lost a great relationship, at least once, so they at have at least had that opportunity in their life to prove that they ARE tough moral fiber. It's Easy to SAY something, but that doesn't make it so. Experience, it's paramont.

 

Sex leads to that Great relationship, it's Nitrous Oxide for the brain. Everybody reacts to it differently, some more, some less, but in either case, it's a reaction that needs to be known ahead of time.There are those who have this experience and realize they've been wasting their time all along and then go out and have themselves a spree, while others discover they absolutely hate it and wish nothing to do with it. The majority of us fall somewhere between these two points, but I'd really like to know where on the spectrum my partner is as early on in the relationship as possible.

[sara-pezzini]

i still do not agree, we all have to learn at some point, you were a virign once too, would you have liked it if you had been excluded because of that? not gotten the experience you have gotten now?

and even though i was a virgin i still had my fair share of heartbreak and life experiences, so i did go into this relationship with eyes wide open, knowing full well what i want in a relationship and what i don't want, and even though he is my first, i feel absolutely no need to go around and sow my wild oats or get expriences with other men.....

and that is the plus side of being an older virgin, you do have life experience and do know who you are, where you stand and what morals and values you have and what you want out of a relationship so my bf doesn't have to (and doesn't!) worry about me leaving for someone else, this is it, this is what i want. and he knows that.

 

and the financial expert, well, in this day and age we all can be as responsible as we want but something can happen that causes bankruptcy and that was beyond our control, which was the case with that guy so to call him irresponsible is unfair....but so many people know best, don't they.......

[Donovan79]

Sex leads to that Great relationship, it's Nitrous Oxide for the brain. Everybody reacts to it differently, some more, some less, but in either case, it's a reaction that needs to be known ahead of time.There are those who have this experience and realize they've been wasting their time all along and then go out and have themselves a spree, while others discover they absolutely hate it and wish nothing to do with it. The majority of us fall somewhere between these two points, but I'd really like to know where on the spectrum my partner is as early on in the relationship as possible.

 

I just want to point out that nitrous oxide is nitrous oxide for the brain. Other than that, another well-put post.

 

But you're making the mistake of using logic to argue something she believes emotionally, and it's not going to work. Just too different a way of thinking, which is again why a girl being a virgin is such a clear indicator of something not working out. Likewise, I have no interest in dating a girl whose first time drinking alcohol is with me... whose first time going to a 5-star restaurant is with me... etc.

 

What's so close-minded about wanting someone with similar interests and experiences?

[sara-pezzini]

have your ideas and wants and needs so far brought you a loving and caring relationship then? if so i will take back my words.....but i am in a loving and caring relationship, with a lot of trust and commitment, and that for a former old virgin.......there is nothing logic to your reasoning, it is YOUR opinion and your emotions and feelings, whereas i have mine.....so do not patronize me