Is being a virgin a dealbreaker?

[Wayfara]

Having your V-card punch is indeed like having your Drivers License.

 

The Car is the relationship

 

Do you believe then that previous sexual experience is vital to handle a relationship? You also say you prefer a woman who isn't reckless with who she sleeps with but in the analogy wouldn't usually more experience mean a better yet driver?

 

Anyhow if the relationship is the car and the relationship ceases to be that car must have crashed. That would mean someone experienced never owned a car to crash (only had fwbs and one night stands), hasn't crashed yet (still in the first relationship) or he/she has a crash record (after a break-up). Personally I wouldn't feel that much safer with someone with a crash record than someone without a DL.

 

Anyway I don't deny that for some inexperience might be a dealbreaker but I don't think experience in sex automatically makes you better at relationships. A virgin might just never have found someone she liked, and when she does I don't think losing it at a party in advance or a hard week training with a fwb would make her a better fit for her crush. I do think everyone has right to choose their own dealbreakers so I don't think it's close-minded to want an experienced partner, for some experience might be important so they wouldn't be happy with a virgin anyway. However not everyone is the same and for someone else that same experience could even be seen as baggage and that is an equally valid view. It's a matter of preference, some care, some don't.

[annie24]

What's so close-minded about wanting someone with similar interests and experiences?

 

Nothing wrong with having preferences. I think that having being a virgin as a DEALBREAKER is rather unfortunate. What if you get to know a girl over a few weeks or months, you are having a great time with her, she with you, there is chemistry and mutual interest. And then you find out she is a virgin and you send her packing? Really?

[jonny15]

I'd date a virgin. Tho if their a virgin for religious reasons, that might be a problem, since i don't believe in that. But if she's willing to let be take her virginity at some point, then it would be just fine.

[ClarenceRutherford]

I'd date a virgin. Tho if their a virgin for religious reasons, that might be a problem, since i don't believe in that. But if she's willing to let be take her virginity at some point, then it would be just fine.

Johnny,

That shouldn't really be a problem.

Just bec. a person is of a particular faith, that doesn't mean someone couldn't date and marry them.

 

There are couples who date where one's religion isn't a dealbreaker.

Just as long as one isn't claiming the other is going to "go to hell."

Conversely, the atheist shouldn't belittle the other for the other's religious views.

 

There's a poster here, an agnostic, whose dating a Christian woman.

He's not anti-Christian and doesn't attack her belief, and vice-versa with her toward him.

So it can work.

 

At your age, you don't need to be so restrictive on women you could date.

[Donovan79]

Nothing wrong with having preferences. I think that having being a virgin as a DEALBREAKER is rather unfortunate. What if you get to know a girl over a few weeks or months, you are having a great time with her, she with you, there is chemistry and mutual interest. And then you find out she is a virgin and you send her packing? Really?

 

Not sure why people are getting upset. If this happened, of course I'd be okay with it. It's just unlikely that a girl in my social network who's 27-30 will be a virgin for non-religious reasons. I waited all through college for a girl who wanted to wait for marriage, and she ended up initiating sex spontaneously a year after school ended. And it was nice, we lost it to each other, but in hindsight it was nowhere near amazing or important enough to justify that wait. She and could have been having fun pleasing each other all through school and probably been closer. Instead we grew up, partly due to lack of physical intimacy. But that's just me. If the act of a penis going into a vagina is hugely important to your mutual love, I fully support waiting.

[lalalollipops]

Okay I just read one of your earlier threads bc I remember very vaguely reading a post made by sb with a similar user name talking about how you had your first kiss and relationship in your late 20's? Or was it early 30's? I dunno, anyway I just wanted to point out obviously due to lack of experience, it's understandable that your opinion would be very different from sb like Lonewing... But that doesn't make him wrong. I think he's being pretty logical actually. I don't like how very inexperienced people always make it out like people who aren't virgins are automatically 'loose' and the types that sleep around. It's like they're projecting insecurities and issues or something?

[sara-pezzini]

i was 36.....and i NEVER said people who are non virgins are loose or whatever, i felt terrible being a virgin at that late age, i felt inferior, i was ashamed, BUT i am glad someone saw i was worth something and got to know me, had time and patience to let me get there on my own, if someone like lonewing or any of the people who call it a dealbreaker had met me they wouldn't have given me the time of day, just because i was a virgin?? was i so weird then, is the stigma of being a virgin so bad that we now exclude them from the dating pool? that to me is just wrong....i had and have my preferences too but i would NEVER exclude a potentially great guy because he has a "flaw" in my book and that just annoys me that people can do that, thank God my BF thought and felt differently, he was actually proud and honored that after all that time i let him in, trusted him enough, to me virginity is still special and i do not like this day and age where young kids of 12 or 13 are already having sex and viewing it as no big deal, exchange oral sex for any kind of favors or just to be popular........but then the other end is being a virgin at a late age which is seen as weird and wrong, and that isn't fair either....not everyone has the opportunity to find someone early on and they shouldn't be made to feel ashamed about that......

and there are posts on here that do so

[jonny15]

Johnny,

That shouldn't really be a problem.

Just bec. a person is of a particular faith, that doesn't mean someone couldn't date and marry them.

 

There are couples who date where one's religion isn't a dealbreaker.

Just as long as one isn't claiming the other is going to "go to hell."

Conversely, the atheist shouldn't belittle the other for the other's religious views.

 

There's a poster here, an agnostic, whose dating a Christian woman.

He's not anti-Christian and doesn't attack her belief, and vice-versa with her toward him.

So it can work.

 

At your age, you don't need to be so restrictive on women you could date.

 

I'm not being anti-anything, but i'm not gonna be into someone who puts a religious value on losing their virginity.

 

Sorry, but I don't care for the saving it for marriage stuff.

[sara-pezzini]

and another thing about wanting a relationship with someone experienced versus a virgin, so you would pass on a virgin, while she could be a great, wonderful woman with her own house, steady job, great relationships with friends and family.....but someone who maybe had one or two relationships is better? cause she had the experience? with all the baggage that may come from that? she might have been cheated on and doesn't trust men too easily anymore, might snoop through his phone and pc, to see if he is cheating on her too, might have a jealous ex or whatever, but all that is better than a virgin? i just do not get the reasoning behind that, really don't....

[lalalollipops]

Yeah but the reason you were a virgin at a later age was cos you had your first relationship very late... So it's a pretty different scenario from sb who is a virgin cos they want to be, despite having several relationships (starting from 14-16 say).

So why judge teens? I would bet if you had a relationship at 15-16, you'd probably not be a virgin by the time you're 18. You just didn't have the opportunity while others did.

 

And relationships makes you grow as a person. You take things from every experience and learn alot from every relationship. Newbies are idealistic and have a warped sense of what a relationship is like, and they sometimes aren't the best partners bc of that.

[sara-pezzini]

i would still not have had sex at that young age....and i was talking about 12-13 year olds, and all that is going on right now with exchanging sex for other things, that i do judge and will always judge cause those kids will regret it later on, i think nowadays it is seen as way too normal to have sex at THAT young age, and early pregnancies and everything, those are still kids and cannot see the consequences and i do not think that is normal but that is a whole other debate and i am done replying here, everyone is entitled to their opinion, i just don't agree with some of those and do not like to patronized....

[Donovan79]

The virgins here seem very defensive. Having had sex isn't what's going to make someone trustworthy or not. If that's how you choose to live life, I love that about you. I prefer girls with relationship and sexual experience. Please don't take that as an insult in any way. Just different tastes.

[lalalollipops]

Yeah my virgin ex had an effed up moral compass and cheated on me so *shrugs* just cos you're a virgin doesn't mean you're that great of a person or have strong morals.

[ClarenceRutherford]

i would still not have had sex at that young age....and i was talking about 12-13 year olds, and all that is going on right now with exchanging sex for other things, that i do judge and will always judge cause those kids will regret it later on, i think nowadays it is seen as way too normal to have sex at THAT young age, and early pregnancies and everything, those are still kids and cannot see the consequences and i do not think that is normal but that is a whole other debate and i am done replying here, everyone is entitled to their opinion, i just don't agree with some of those and do not like to patronized....

Makes a lot of sense.

[ClarenceRutherford]

and another thing about wanting a relationship with someone experienced versus a virgin, so you would pass on a virgin, while she could be a great, wonderful woman with her own house, steady job, great relationships with friends and family.....but someone who maybe had one or two relationships is better? cause she had the experience? with all the baggage that may come from that? she might have been cheated on and doesn't trust men too easily anymore, might snoop through his phone and pc, to see if he is cheating on her too, might have a jealous ex or whatever, but all that is better than a virgin? i just do not get the reasoning behind that, really don't....

 

I don't "get" now the non-virgins exude this air of superiority... They're not really any better...

So they had sex. Big deal.

Doesn't necessarily make them "better."

In many cases, "newness" is preferable, like virgin wool, virgin forest...

[lalalollipops]

^ You're comparing this to inanimate objects...? We're not acting superior, we just don't like the skewed and very biased perspective that some people hold.

[ClarenceRutherford]

^ You're comparing this to inanimate objects...?

One incendiary poster brought up the car analogy...

We're not acting superior, we just don't like the skewed and very biased perspective that some people hold.

Seems like the same could be said about the non-virgins posting on this thread.

One earlier posting seemed so skewed and biased and practically acted as if a virgin was some sort of "undesirable" or a disease to be avoided at all costs...

Heaven forbid the poster encounter a virgin..... as Sara Pezzini aptly noted...

[lalalollipops]

Virgins aren't undesirable, it's the mentality that of 'they're pure and better people bc they are one' that gets me alittle annoyed.

Alot of you are comparing virgins to 'people who sleep around' or ask if sb would prefer 'sb with morals and makes good decisions vs sb that doesn't' that is offending.

 

Doesn't that suggest a very subjective POV?

[Lonewing]

This "Aire of Virgin Superiority" is really no different than the "Aire of College Graduate Superiority."

 

Kid graduates from college, having never actually had a job, but automatically assumes they're worth so much more because, well, they have a degree. Meanwhile the experience they have is entirely MEANINGLESS to the modern employer. Employers want to see experience on paper that shows "YES, I can be to work every day on time, I CAN work well, I DO have real Work references who know my action versus my words." Hence why there's a 49% unemployment rate amongst college graduates in the 20-30 age range, even though they wield such "superior" credentials. If you're a virgin, you're the college graduate with the degree of "values,' but you have really no experience to back it up; what knowledge you may possess will only be proven after you get that experience.

 

We can go further with this analogy. You know how employers are wary of hiring people with very little work experience? They're likely wary of hiring people with too much work experience - aka, lots of jobs, but all very short term. It shows a lack of dedication, or a lack or loyalty, or commitment. In all any case, this person is not desireable for employment either.

 

This is really no different in any other walk of life: People desire people who have EXPERIENCE with life, and thus Know what they want out of life.

 

Some people carry a stigma about having sex. Other's wish to blow it off. Both of these people are, to be quite frank, incompatible at a philosophical level. From what I have read, the people who seek out marraige counselors are those who do have troubles in their sex life; counselors RARELY see those couples wh ohave a good sex life. From what I have read, heard, and seen, those people who are dating and have sexless relationships often do not see those relationships turn into a marraige; these relationships may appear to function perfeclty fine for years, for decades, but ultimately they fail.

 

I'm nipping this issue in the bud by simply refusing to date anyone who has a perverted sense of what sex is - and this include the "yule log" mentality, or any other mentiality that simply has not yet accepted that regular sex is a part of human couple life. This also includes the unreasonably dirty [aka vulgar, or rude, or disrepectful] on the other end of the spectrum, because there still is a point where decency and discreteness are acceptable qualities too. These people are akin to the reckless, and I really don't wish to be with a reckless person either.

[penelope13]

A deal breaker such as 'no virgins' is the same as 'not someone with more than 3 - or whatever number - partners' - it's a personal preference and no one can claim 'better morals'.

 

I have dated a number of guys who had no previous experience (the V word never came up though, since it was obvious from their behavior) and at the time it was the right thing for me, but now I would not consider it anymore, simply because I am so much older myself now and have learned and grown so much as a person due to my dating experience (including break ups and heart break) that I simply prefer someone who has also relationship experience including the physical aspects.

 

Not having any experience in any one particular aspect that I consider important in my relationships (be it communication, relationship experience, career, sex etc) would seem unsuitable to me, simply because in all likelihood at this age in someone's life there is usually more to it than simply 'I never had the opportunity'. Sure I would give someone the chance to explain why they chose not to gain experience in any of these aspects, but there must be a really good reason to it that makes sense to me and what I am looking for in a partner. When it comes to sex, I wouldn't want a partner who has hundreds of notches on his belt, but equally I prefer men who are comfortable in their own skin, who are relaxed about the physical aspects of life, who have confidence, a natural curiosity, who are go getters in general, etc - all of this doesn't usually come in the package of someone who (apart from religious reasons) has never kissed or had any kind of sexual interaction by their mid 30s.

 

I heard a number of people say on this forum that they would not reveal that they don't have any experience - from my own personal experience, even if you don't voice it and have a lot of knowledge from literature or porn - you can still pick it up if someone has never done anything. Some experiences you truly have to live through yourself till you will understand how it feels. I may be a woman and I can try to imagine how it would be to give birth - yet I am sure once I will actually experience it, it will be unlike anything I ever imagined despite my interaction with many women who have given birth in my family or group of friends.

[Lonewing]

One incendiary poster brought up the car analogy...

 

Seems like the same could be said about the non-virgins posting on this thread.

One earlier posting seemed so skewed and biased and practically acted as if a virgin was some sort of "undesirable" or a disease to be avoided at all costs...

Heaven forbid the poster encounter a virgin..... as Sara Pezzini aptly noted...

 

First you incite religious debate and now you resort to personal attacks. Really, is there no end?

[JewelCat]

I don't "get" now the non-virgins exude this air of superiority... They're not really any better...

So they had sex. Big deal.

Doesn't necessarily make them "better."

In many cases, "newness" is preferable, like virgin wool, virgin forest...

 

I lost my virginity at 30, and having sex isn't hard. Maybe some awkwardness the first couple of times, but once you start, its pretty easy to figure out what you and your partner like. The emotions involved in sex, however, are a lot more complex. But I think older virgins in general (mid to late 20s and beyond) are capable of handling those emotions.

[poetryandlyrics]

I don't know my answer as I never confronted this issue. One relationship and it's still going, and most likely into marriage. But in a hypothetical situation, I think I'd give virgins a chance if we have enough chemistry sexually, mentally, and personality types. I'd much prefer more confidence in sexual behavior. If there is no confidence, that's where it ends. I don't mean you have to be "so good at it" but you have to be comfortable and willing to try things. But virgins by religion? The kind that would wait till marriage? Not my type. Only because I'd prefer to see if we have chemistry and whatever else compatibility within our sexuality. I can't wait till after marriage to finally see because it may be a bust.

[ClarenceRutherford]

First you incite religious debate and now you resort to personal attacks. Really, is there no end?

 

My posts speak for themselves without the religious bigotry expressed by other posters.

 

Your posting made it sound like you and people like you are so superior to others not "at your level" and anyone choosing to be a virgin was somehow "backward" or following a religious edict, which you also mocked.

This confirms my belief that many non-virgins possess an irrational superiority complex.

 

You get all huffy and puffy about "analogies" but then throw in car, financial and employment analogies.

 

This poster hit you where it counts.

 

Originally Posted by Lonewing

 

Having your V-card punch is indeed like having your Drivers License.

Originally Posted by Lonewing

The Car is the relationship

Do you believe then that previous sexual experience is vital to handle a relationship? You also say you prefer a woman who isn't reckless with who she sleeps with but in the analogy wouldn't usually more experience mean a better yet driver?

[ClarenceRutherford]

First you incite religious debate and now you resort to personal attacks. Really, is there no end?

Wrong again.

Didn't inflame a religious debate. Merely added to the thread an important reason many remain virgins.

That is factual whether you want to believe it or not.