sex at the first date? is that completely wrong?

[whatswrongwme]

I am asking this question to all men. Is it wrong for a girl to have sex at the first date (and you were chasing her for 3 months), even if it is you that started it? If you start it, does it mean that you actually just wanted sex from her and you were not really into her?

 

I am asking this because I am confused. I did this stupid thing only once a few weeks ago. This guy was chasing me around 3 months already. He is ok looking, not really my type. All my friends were saying that he really likes me and he is a good guy and he is not a jerk. So, I gave him a chance. I like him too but not that much. However, I could still give him a chance to be my boyfriend because he is nice, well educated & fun.

Our first date was him cooking for me at his place. I was suspicious about his intentions but anyway I accepted it. My ex-bf also cooked for me at his place when we were just dating but we didn't have sex, so I was thinking it is ok.

However, he started kissing and touching me and I even told him that if his intention is to have sex only, i m not the right girl. how more direct can i be? so he said no he really likes me and that s not his intention. but at the end, we ended up having sex! obviously, i also have some needs and couldn't resist after all those kissing and touching.

however, after sex he told me he really likes me, he wants to see me again but he doesnt want a relationship now! he just broke up w his ex and he is not ready. he wants to be able to see his friends, no gf complaining why he doesn't call more often bla bla (it was a long distance rel. ship).

so i was so disappointed. i asked him why you didn't tell me this before sex, he couldn't answer. anyway, i am also not ready for a rel. ship (as i also just broke up w ex) but we discussed and decided to see where this will take us. (see i m a fool and still trusting him!!).

 

actually he called me and invited me to a few events afterwards. and i learnt that he told my friend that he doesn't want a rel. ship and she came told me she thought he was nice but she thinks now that i should stay away from him. anyway he invited me for a second date for coffee. he said again he doesn't want rel. ship and i told him about what i heard. he still says he likes me and he wants to see me again. but i was already mad, so i told him that now for me you are just another person, i can't prioritize you, i will see you if don't have anything better to do or if i only feel like it. then he gets sad. he said but can't i still ask for you for coffee at least? i said i will see how i feel. why does he get sad? is it because no more sex from the pretty, silly girl ??

 

i am really mad that despite we discussed we are taking it easy, he can tell my friends he doesn't want any rel. ship. this just makes me look like a fool because we already had sex. so i just pulled myself away. i will reject most of his invites, maybe i only see him in friend gatherings only.

 

if he wants just sex, why can't he just pick up a girl at the bar??? why chase a girl for 3 months and then break her heart??

[CaptainConfusion]

You went from being mildly interested at the start of your thread to heart broken by the end. What's with that?

 

From a guys perspective, I like to be made to wait. I respect a woman more for that. That's probably offensive to some women and is pretty much a double standard.

 

You don't say no sex then have sex shortly after either. Sorry.

 

Just move on, lern from our mistake. You'll be fine in no time

[DylanNotorious]

I think your friend is right. It might be best to end things with him. He's trying to date you without it leading to anything serious. He's just come out of a relationship but wants the intimacy of a woman without the label. He wants to be able to do his own thing when it suits him and where you can't complain. Basically friends with benefits. He probably can pick up girls at a bar, but he's probably hoping that you will warm up to the idea of entering into a arrangement with him, where you too hook up.... After an outing or two of course.

[blueidealist24]

Well it sounds like he is interested in dating you casually but doesn't want a relationship. i don't think he saw you as just another body to stick it in, he actually somewhat liked you over and above other options he might have (like a girl at the bar), but I think he sounds like sort of a jerk the way he handled things. He should have been up front about not wanting a relationship right away. I've learned recently that guys do not consider liking you and wanting a relationship with you the same thing.. when I was younger I thought they did, like = relationship but unfortunately not. I don't think you're ok with the casual dating/no relationship so I think what you're doing is good, having limited contact/hangouts with him.

[Donovan79]

Guy sounds like a loser. You should have known better. Move on.

[mikeca]

 

if he wants just sex, why can't he just pick up a girl at the bar??? why chase a girl for 3 months and then break her heart??

 

I read this and its so eerily similar to my situation (except girl initiated chase) ended up in the bedroom - doesn't want a relationship either and also recently out of relationship

 

and the only thing I keep coming back to is...they needed to feel wanted and desired again - then they got what they came for and aren't ready or don't want anything else

 

so just back off and move on, if somethings meant to happen it will, he knows how you feel about the situation and what you would like and now he has to decide

[whatswrongwme]

because i m a girl and we are complicated?

why i am sad is to finally understand that i m used. that will hurt any girl. you will not understand this.

i might not want to rush to a rel. ship but i will not be anyone's * * * * buddy.

and if sex happens in first, second, or third date. i don't care. but i wanna know if men care or if that means they are not serious.

and yes now i know it means they just want you for sex.

i will not do the same mistake again.

[Batya33]

I think he was a jerk for leading you to believe he didn't just want sex but then again he didn't actually tell you what he wanted. Perhaps "not just sex" to him means also doing date-like activities together. I'm sorry you're disappointed!

[Captain Obvious]

"however, after sex he told me he really likes me, he wants to see me again but he doesnt want a relationship now! he just broke up w his ex and he is not ready. he wants to be able to see his friends, no gf complaining why he doesn't call more often bla bla (it was a long distance rel. ship).

so i was so disappointed. i asked him why you didn't tell me this before sex, he couldn't answer. anyway, i am also not ready for a rel. ship (as i also just broke up w ex) but we discussed and decided to see where this will take us. (see i m a fool and still trusting him!!)."

 

Wait.

 

- You slept with a guy who was showing you interest in possibly having a relationship, yet you dont want one.

- He says afterwards he isnt looking for a relationship.

- You were disappointed???

- You dont even want a relationship anyway?

 

Im confused.

[Ms Darcy]

Why do girls do this to themselves? He never wanted a relationship with you ... just fwb. That is why you wait on sex until you get to know the other person. It takes discipline but it's the best way.

[Captain Obvious]

You slept with a guy who you knew liked you but you dont like him very much (from what it seems), I wouldnt say you were innocent.

[whatswrongwme]

no i was just silly and confused. i made a mistake and it is a lesson learnt. you don't need to be mean to me.

[quirky]

From a guys perspective, I like to be made to wait. I respect a woman more for that. That's probably offensive to some women and is pretty much a double standard.

 

..it truly is a double standard. And then men wonder why can't be free or 'relaxed' around them or why we're scared of them. Why do I have to pay the price of disrespect for wanting sex, I really don't get it.

 

Girl, don't worry, these things happen to all of us at some point. It's not a big deal in the big scheme of things, it's just one of those experiences. Above all look after yourself and don't give this guy a chance. The reason you slept with him is because you thought he cared for you (considering he was 'interested' for 3 months). But what that means is usually he liked your looks and thought you were ok as a person. You gave him a chance because we women tend to like the security of someone really wanting us. But it just didn't turn out like this.

 

Do go on dates and make a guy wait not so you gain his respect but so he can gain your interest and so that you can be clear as to whether you really want him.

[Minx2012]

This is a case of two people with mismatched personalities. For one thing, you have different goals and desires. You don't really have sex on the first date and he seems to think it's great. I think that you should have been more forthright, direct and honest with him from the beginning. You said that you didn't want to have sex first but then you ended up having sex with him anyway bc of your "needs". Somehow, he managed to "coerce" you from what you want to what HE wants and this is not a good sign anyway.

 

It is best to stay away from him. If you got into a relationship with him, this would be one of those unhealthy ones where he seems to get the upper hand and you end up acquiescing. But if you learned any lessons with the experience, I hope they are the following:

a) Be more forthright, direct, honest with what you want

b) Don't sleep with someone on the first date ( especially if you will have trouble in dealing with the consequences )

[Nonchalance]

I think the better question is whether or not you are attracted to the jerk

 

acting sad when you were mean to him... having sex with you then saying he just came out of a serious relationship and isn't ready for another one... You not liking him very much to begin with yet he used you just for sex.

 

So you were mad that he lied and are still thinking about him weeks later... seems like he probably did a lot better job leaving an impression than any boring nice guy you may have dated.

 

Personally i hate his style... But he got what he wanted and you are still thinking about him.

 

I tend to end up in relationships with girls that last until the 3rd date before having sex... although i tend to do things backwards by aiming to make the girl jump me on dates. But I wont complain if a girl can't make it past the first date without jumping me. I guess i am weird ... anyway you feel used, but you dated a guy you weren't that into and had sex with him seemingly for the condition that he would want a relationship with you... Honestly it seems more like you were using him for a relationship or an ego boost and were shocked to find out that he is stating that he doesn't want a relationship with you...

 

I wouldn't be surprised if he truly always did and still does want a relationship with you, but instead settled for a boost to his ego whilst perhaps still hoping for a sex buddy or a potential future relationship from you... but i take that back if you are not more awesome and cuter than what he usually hooks up with

 

Edit: He did invite you to friend events which isn't too bad... So i doubt there is much wrong with you

[camus154]

Let me get this straight.

 

You didn't really like this guy and didn't want much with him anyway, but you thought you'd humor him and go on a date anyway.

 

And then you had sex with him because, well, you were kissing and touching, so why wouldn't you, right?

 

And then he said he wasn't looking for anything too serious at this time but still wanted to see you.

 

And now you're all mad because you feel bad about having had sex with him.

 

Sorry, I think your pride is hurt and that's about it. It'll heal with time.

[mg22]

Well some men will say all the right things to get you in bed ! you just have to be smarter the next time!

[Natasha24]

no i was just silly and confused. i made a mistake and it is a lesson learnt. you don't need to be mean to me.

 

Wouldn't he be able to say that too?

You are both at "fault" here, I don't really get why some people think only the guy is to blame.

I think you should just both move on.

[abitbroken]

Well, you got a taste of your own medicine. You don't want a relationship and are not extremely into this guy, and you not only went out with him but slept with him. He isn't really wanting a relationship with you either, and he slept with you. You are not a victim of false advertising, just bad communication and a lot of assuming. So call it is what it is - you guys hooked up.

 

You are upset because he told your friends he wasn't looking for a relationship, but it was your friends who convinced you to give him a shot - so stop listening to them and start just listening to whoever you are dating or meeting and ask them what they are and are not looking for.

[sunnyclouds]

Don't listen to your friends. Listen to you instincts.

 

You didn't go to his house with the intention of having sex but his kissing and touching got you worked up and excited and you went for it. Sure you probably should have waited but someitmes we just want sex and can't handle it after when it is clear it means nothing but just feeling good.

 

You gave into your desire for sex, nothing wrong with that. You didn't think of the after. It happens and it can be difficult to move on right away because it is so fresh in your mind.

 

Learn from it and in time you will forget about it.

[Lonewing]

anyway, i am also not ready for a rel. ship (as i also just broke up w ex) but we discussed and decided to see where this will take us. (see i m a fool and still trusting him!!).

 

HEY Pot...YOU'RE BLACK TOO!!!

 

I think you're mostly upset because you liked holding the "power" position where you had the control over "the future," and then when he dropped the "I don't want a relationship" phrase, he took all that power away from you. Now you can;t hol dit over his head, because he doesn't really want it. Do you even want it yourself, or were you just doing this to get a little entertainment [dinner and company for an evening] out of him?

 

You're both not ready for a relationship, so *F* it - go have coffee with him already! Three more months of coffee, hey, maybe he'll be wrapped around your little finger? Or you'll both be running in other dirrections...who knows?

 

He wanted sex, You [self admittedly have needs too] wanted sex, sex happened - wooooo. Don't be so hung up about it. Have you ever had a FWB? Or is it just the Stigma of a FWB that has you repulsed?

 

Just because you're having sex with each other doesn't mean you stop respecting each other.

 

It sounds like you need to come clean with yourself, he needs to come clean with himself, and you both need to come clean with each other. I'd say, if you had a good night, see him again.

 

But figure out what it is you really want first.

 

If you want sex, now and then, a relationship where he gives you what you want, and you give him what he wants, but you don't have anything "serious" for each other, this may be a perfect setup for the both of you. As long as he treats you with respect, and you treat him with respect, I can't see what's the issue. The one thing I'd insist, though, for the purpose of disease, is that you and him insist on being mutually monogomous with each other until this FWB phase ends. You can date other people, but you can't SLEEP with other people. That will remove the pressure of having sex from your life, because you have a ready source. Otherwise, learn to get in control of your hormones, girl, OR BE SLAVE TO THEM!

 

[And what the heck are you thinking having sex that early, anyways? That's how you catch diseases - NASTY diseases!!]

 

Otherwise, DON'T be having any more sex!! If you don't like the thought of someone "using" you for sex, I don't find it very cute if you forgive yourself for "using" others for sex yourself as if that's something "different." You're not being used if it's mutual, are you? And no more dinners over at your place [or his place], unless that's your arrangement with him. [Like, WHOA, do people actually think this is a good idea for a first date???]

[Donovan79]

Why not have more sex? Just admit that you both only want sex and have some fun. Unless you can't handle it and need more, in which case, what are you, 15? Of course you don't sleep with a guy you want more from on the first date.

[Generation]

He likes you, he wants you, but he's not willing to be in a relationship. Sounds like he wants a cuddle buddy. Who knows what it will lead into.

Why not pick up a girl at the bar? He very well could have been doing that as well. It's not hard to "chase a girl for 3 months", contrary to what most people might think. If I wanted, I could make any girl think I was into her by giving her a little attention and paying attention to what she says and just remembering those little things which isn't hard, and gain her trust and feelings and then get in her pants.

I think you need to find out what you want, if you're ready for a relationship, or if you wanna be with a guy you're not all that into but don't mind messing around in the meantime or if you would want more from him.

[whatswrongwme]

thanks for feedback guys. actually i am almost over this and feeling better now. i will not have sex with him anymore nor i plan to date him anymore. but perhaps i will have to see him in some friends gatherings as we have common friends and that is it. i don't see any point dating him further as his intention is obviously to be only FWB as most of you already agrees.

 

just to clarify - having sex at first date was not my intention at all. i didn't know how to reject going to his place without sounding rude or too suspicious. i am not good at these kind of things. i mentioned before i actually never had sex so early in dating stage before.

 

at that time, i was thinking that i will just give him a chance and date him, as i was convinced (mostly by my friends!!) that he was really into me. how will i know he is the right person or not without giving him a chance? i admit that i am not ready for a relationship but i wasn't planning to use anyone or break anyone's heart. if you think i was just seeking for attention, i get a lot of attention already. it is not about boosting my ego. but it is true that when i noticed he was not the person i thought he was, i really got disappointed and i got mad (probably mostly by myself) for acting so stupid and him making stupid comments to our common friend. i agree i can't really say he used me when i also wanted to have sex in the end (it takes two!), but i was fooled in a way that i believed before that he wasn't only looking for sex and he wanted something more than that.

 

but anyways, i learnt a lot from your feedback and my foolishness and i will be much more careful next time. and i will only listen to my own instincts and not act based on other people's advices or opinions. i would actually be much more safeguarded and careful, if my friends didn't tell me i should trust him before dating him. but then again it is still my fault. grrrrr...i m angry with myself again!

[whatswrongwme]

Edit: He did invite you to friend events which isn't too bad... So i doubt there is much wrong with you

 

ok so after first date i was still not realizing he wants fwb. coz i believed he really wanted to see where it takes us. we don't need to fall in love at first date!! then he invited me for friends invite, i heard from my friends he starts telling people he doesnt want rel. ship and then he invited me for coffee next time. he asked lets discuss where is this going? he repeated he doesnt want rel. ship, what if we meet our soul mates in a few weeks from now and bla bla...it really banged me that he is not serious at all and that is for sure fwb he looks for, so i asked him so why you kept calling me after that? he answered saying if he didn't call me back, i would hate him more and i would think he is a jerk (but he is a jerk anyways!) he can even ask in almost a sarcastic way whether i would prefer him calling me 2 weeks after that! he said i would feel bad, so that is why he called me. so this is his way of making me not think that he is a jerk, because he didn't cut contact immediately after sex.

 

please stop defending this guy to me.

do you still think that there is much wrong with me than him? what s wrong w me is that i was a real fool. i don't need to hear it again. but for sure i didn't try to fool him. i am not sure i am ready for a rel.ship but if i meet a nice guy which i think has genuine feelings for me, i will definitely give it a try. that was the purpose of that date. but it went totally wrong.

 

i am over him and seriously i m getting more sad just by reading some comments here. i already said i made a mistake. you guys said i was too early to sleep with him. i said lessons learnt. what else do you want me to say?