Ugly Shallow Insecurity: How Do You Cope?

[Shnoodle]

I feel embarrassed to admit it, but right now I"m going through a bout of insecurity.

It's shallow, it's petty, and it's not something I have had to deal with in the decade since high school.

 

I'm comparing myself to another female, and while I know it's stupid, I have not been yet able stop myself. It is a girl who is a dumb, mean-spirited drama queen who uses people.. who is marginally more physically attractive than me. Given, there are lots of women who have more looks than I. There is always going to be someone who looks better, and it's entirely subjective.

 

Now, this is where I would tell someone else that it is silly to compare yourself to others, that looks aren't all there is.. to stop being a whiny baby and to man up and deal with not always being best.

 

That's the thing, she has nothing going for her aside from looks, and confidence, yet all of my male friends (who told me about how terrible she is as a person before I met her) are dying to get her approval. It's a man's world, and 99.5% of the men I meet, are more shallow than my inflated ego.

 

The kicker is: I found out recently my only crush also since high school.. had a fling with her shortly before he met me. Ouch.

 

So how do you cope when people trump you? We have a lot of people here with loads of confidence, I'd like to get their perspective as I'm not used to having these lows.

[BritterSweet]

I would have said to remember that no matter how great you are, there will always be someone better, but you're already aware of that. Try to focus on yourself and what's great about you. Maybe even try to improve yourself and then take pride in your own accomplishments. That may take your mind off the other girl.

 

For example, as a teenager, I used to be jealous of Hilary Duff because of how she had a CD even though I thought I was a better singer than her, LOL. She was a cute blonde while I was a (back then) chubby Asian girl. But I went to weekly voice training lessons, and focused on improving my own technique. Eventually, I stopped obsessing and even forgot about Hilary Duff.

 

If you're feeling insecure about someone trumping you in looks, turn the focus to yourself in a positive way. Do some things that will make you proud of yourself and thus confident. That other girl is not worth losing beauty sleep over

[nutbrownhare]

The kicker is: I found out recently my only crush also since high school.. had a fling with her shortly before he met me. Ouch.

 

So how do you cope when people trump you?

 

Am I reading this correctly? It's just that it sounds as though he had a short-lived relationship with her before he even met you. Then he met you... and had a relationship with you? Leaving aside the issues of self-esteem - which you're already well aware of, I'm sure - how can someone be trumping you when the fling was over before you and your crush ever met? Sorry, just not following the logic here

[JA0371]

Am I reading this correctly? It's just that it sounds as though he had a short-lived relationship with her before he even met you. Then he met you... and had a relationship with you? Leaving aside the issues of self-esteem - which you're already well aware of, I'm sure - how can someone be trumping you when the fling was over before you and your crush ever met? Sorry, just not following the logic here

n

Agreeing with this...in addition to just getting your OWN mojo back...with cares about this this chick???

We don't!!! Wait...who were you talking about again??? Girl..you are HOT!!!!! Own it!!!

[hfit]

Given, there are lots of women who have more looks than I. There is always going to be someone who looks better, and it's entirely subjective.

 

Now, this is where I would tell someone else that it is silly to compare yourself to others, that looks aren't all there is.. to stop being a whiny baby and to man up and deal with not always being best.

 

You just gave yourself good advice.

 

That's the thing, she has nothing going for her aside from looks, and confidence, yet all of my male friends (who told me about how terrible she is as a person before I met her) are dying to get her approval. It's a man's world, and 99.5% of the men I meet, are more shallow than my inflated ego.

How well do you know this girl that you know she has nothing going for her aside from her physical features?

And if all these guys are so shallow, why do you even want their approval? Why not find a guy who likes you and is on your level?

 

The kicker is: I found out recently my only crush also since high school.. had a fling with her shortly before he met me. Ouch.

So he had a little thing with her...not a full on romantic relationship where he had really sunk his heart and soul into. He didn't even know you before he hooked up with the girl, so it wasn't like he "chose" her over you or anything like that...

 

So how do you cope when people trump you? We have a lot of people here with loads of confidence, I'd like to get their perspective as I'm not used to having these lows.

Stop giving this girl/that person so much power over you. She may not even know you harbor such resentment against her. If being near her bothers you so much, move away from her. Focus on yourself and those you care about.

[Shnoodle]

To answer nutbrownhair: no relationship with him, for a long time he seemed very interested, but that was a while back. My ego is a little bruised that nothing came of it, as I still like him more than I want to. I'll come to terms with it eventually.

 

As for the main topic, I don't think I developed healthy self esteem, even though I rarely hit these lows. I grew up the least favorite child, always getting compared to my sister. So even today I subconsciously compare myself to other people, I wish it were an easy mind-set to get out of. That, and I rely too heavily on attention I don't even have to work for.

 

As for this girl, I don't let my feelings let me treat her any different, and I don't see her often. Letting her know would only give her power.