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Survey for women: how do you feel about dating guys who don't plan for the futur

gluestick

By gluestick
in Relationship Advice

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gluestick Contributor

gluestick

Posted
Posted

Hey guys,

 

I start this thread to see the opinions different women have regarding dating men who are the "live in the moment" type of guy and don't plan or want to think about the future (i.e. marriage, kids, etc.). How do you feel about dating these type of guys? The ones who don't like to think far into the future? Men's opinions are welcomed of course.

 

Edit: What I meant by "live in the moment" type of guy as in "you should feel content with the status quo as long as you're happy and in love and shouldn't have to worry about the future".

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Batya33 Grand Master

Batya33

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I was not interested in dating any man who did not have the general goal of marriage and family. In my 30s it was important to me that that goal be in the not too distant future. I also like and am inspired by people who live in the moment but I don't think that has to mean they are not planning for the future also. Often, people who don't plan for the future aren't living in the moment at all -they're living in the past or not living in the moment with enthusiasm. I do think some people who aren't motivated to plan for the future claim it's because they "live in the moment" but they really don't.

 

I think it's fine to live in the moment with no future plans, it just wouldn't have worked for me in a romantic relationship.

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Tia Emma Newbie

Tia Emma

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As long as he is honest about it, I'm fine with that if I happen to be looking for companionship at the time. But then I would also be honest with him and tell him that I'll be keeping my eyes open for the real guy and would leave as soon as I find him. That way nobody gets hurt, everyone is happy.

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Snny Experienced

Snny

Posted
Posted
I start this thread to see the opinions different women have regarding dating men who are the "live in the moment" type of guy and don't plan or want to think about the future (i.e. marriage, kids, etc.).

 

At 19, I didn't care. But a lot of women who are in their late 20's and 30's are typically looking for men who are marriage material (goal-oriented, have a stable job) once they get settled in their careers. I'm in my late twenties... if I were single I would stay far away from guys who "lived in the moment" because I would perceive them being less ambitious and not realistic... perhaps lazy?

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blueidealist24 Collaborator

blueidealist24

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Well, I don't care at all about children, since I don't want any, and I still think marriage is a long way off for me. However, I'd like them to have some educational/career goals. It doesn't matter if they're really obsessive about them or if they're just flexible guidelines, as long as they have a LOOSE plan. People who are too rigidly focused on certain goals.. especially materialistic ones.. really turn me off. They have to be open to new opportunities/creativity. For example, if they were offered an opportunity that they hadn't planned on to work or study in another country for a year, I wouldn't get angry about it, even if it disrupted the relationship. I wouldn't expect them to not take it for me. Btw, I'm 25.

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Amorterra Rookie

Amorterra

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To be honest, the guys I've dated that have had this outlook were not interested in a serious relationship at all, and in fact were only interested in a fling and/or sex. I would not date a man who fed me the "let's live in the moment and see where things go" line ever again. Doesn't work for me. A man should have, at the very least, a loose plan or goal and should certainly know relatively early in the relationship whether or not he wants to marry the person he's with.

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LSgirl Enthusiast

LSgirl

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I would never date a guy like this agian, I just got out of one a few days ago and were togetehr for over a year. I told him I loved him on one our year anniversary, but I knwo he only saw us as now and no future and he admitted it that he didn't see a future with me so we broke up.

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Ms Darcy Mentor

Ms Darcy

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To be honest, the guys I've dated that have had this outlook were not interested in a serious relationship at all, and in fact were only interested in a fling and/or sex. I would not date a man who fed me the "let's live in the moment and see where things go" line ever again. Doesn't work for me. A man should have, at the very least, a loose plan or goal and should certainly know relatively early in the relationship whether or not he wants to marry the person he's with.

 

I completely agree. It seems like more of an excuse to avoid a serious relationship.

 

I also think it's a false dichotomy. You can live in the moment and still plan. Those aren't two mutually exclusive abilities.

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Fudgie Grand Master

Fudgie

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Where I am, I don't want children at all in the future but I would like to get married in the far future.

 

I like to date guys who KNOW they don't want children but would like to get married in the future, and are content with having a LTR up until then, likely moving in together before marriage.

 

I am in no rush to get married so I don't have a "timetable" and that's fine with me, but I wouldn't date guys who were like "I dunno" about marriage and kids. I can't afford to waste my time with guys who don't know their desires and could "flip" on the kid issue.

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Liraele Community Regular

Liraele

Posted
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It depends, honestly... because in my experience, these guys who "just want to live in the moment" also flake on commitments regularly and are just generally overgrown children.

 

If a guy can be chill and doesn't want to worry about what tomorrow brings or plot out the 3-ring-circus of a wedding, the house, the white picket fence, 2.5 children and a dog as his ultimate life goal.... while still being a mostly mature, responsible adult and a monogamous one to boot... sure. I just haven't actually seen it.

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Fudgie Grand Master

Fudgie

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If a guy can be chill and doesn't want to worry about what tomorrow brings or plot out the 3-ring-circus of a wedding, the house, the white picket fence, 2.5 children and a dog as his ultimate life goal.... while still being a mostly mature, responsible adult and a monogamous one to boot... sure. I just haven't actually seen it.

 

This pretty much describes my boyfriend, only he doesn't want the kids and isn't big on weddings/expensive things but he does want to get married in the future (years from now) and is very monogamous.

 

I honestly think that more guys could be like this. There is a lot of pressure on guys to commit, even in college, and some women expect baby planning relatively early and talks about HUGE expensive weddings, and I think that scares some guys off. Some guys may also have friends with psycho, possessive girlfriends so they may associate commitment with being on a leash and "in jail". Commitment doesn't have to be scary, limiting, or like "jail".

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pl3asehelp Apprentice

pl3asehelp

Posted
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It depends, honestly... because in my experience, these guys who "just want to live in the moment" also flake on commitments regularly and are just generally overgrown children.

 

If a guy can be chill and doesn't want to worry about what tomorrow brings or plot out the 3-ring-circus of a wedding, the house, the white picket fence, 2.5 children and a dog as his ultimate life goal.... while still being a mostly mature, responsible adult and a monogamous one to boot... sure. I just haven't actually seen it.

 

'doesn't want to worry about what tomorrow brings' is too vague. Could mean he doesn't think having some savings is mandatory. If that's the case when a tree falls on the roof, you lose your house. Could mean he doesn't want to pay to put new tires on the car - you have a blow out and the whole family dies in a firey wreck. I'd want to hear someone expand on that before feeling good about being in a relationship with them.

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