im so sad, i need advice

[catgirl82]

hey guys

so my boyfriend of a year and a half decided a few days ago that he is too stressed out to have a girlfriend right now. hes in the process of applying to medical schools, going on interviews, etc. he told me that he cant be the boyfriend that i need him to be, and that he couldnt handle anything more than a frendship right now. he promised me that it wasnt about meeting other people, but just that he needed space from me. he said that having a girlfriend was a "headache". i am so sad and depressed. he's making me feel like i'm not important enough, that im not worthy of being his girlfriend. i know hes just being truthful, i dont know. i told him that i couldnt handle a friendship right now because i am too depressed. talking to him just reminds me of how much i love him and how he and i might not ever be together as a couple. so i told him that we shouldnt tlak for a while, but he called me after about 3 days of not talking. he told me he loved me and missed me and stuff- then the next day, he was acting like we were dating- telling me how much he loved me and missed me, acting all caring and stuff. so i asked him what our deal was and he said "its the same, i sitll dont want a girlfriend". AAARRGGG!!! i am so frustrated and disappointed and upset. this is NOT the first time he has done this to me- this has happened about 5 times in our 1.5 year relationship. it seems that ever few months hes "too stressed out" for a relaitonship and then we always end up dating again. iam sick and tired of this pattern, but i also am so in love with him. help me, i dont know what to do, what to think, does anyone understand where i'm coming from?

[if only]

I'm sorry to hear this I know how hard it is.

 

My ex done the same thing every year in our 5 year relationship he came to a point where he needed a break/space whatever they call it then a few days later would come crawling back.

 

Problem is I think he was the same as me (very much in love) and it was too hard to stay separated which is why he kept coming back, but deep down he knew it wasnt meant to be.

 

It came to a point in our relationship where people were getting married settleing down and then it was the final make or break time I guess he knew it was now or never and this time it ended up being never as he didnt want us to be.

 

I think the issues your BF has is the same as my ex and without a considerable amount of time spent on a break they will continue to remain.

 

I think you should use this time to be you, get in touch with friends and begin NC straight away. Medical school can be very stressfull my friend has been so if he is getting stressed now he will only get worse.

 

I'm sorry but things will get easier I promise. Im sooo much happier now than when I was with him ...worrying if tomorrow we will break up or not.

[AmikeA]

wow this is very much like my current situation. My ex is too busy with other stuff to have a relationship, and I don't feel it would be fair to myself or her to just be friends because I would always have the same feelings for her.

 

unfortunately I can offer no useful advice for you, I am dealing with this myself and wish I had some sort of an idea of what to do. Dispite what most people on these boards seem to say, my personal rule is to be honest with yourself and youe ex. If you genuinly feel the need to talk to them I asy why not, as long as its not just you begging them to change their mind and come back. Just a friendly call asking how things are going etc...

[catgirl82]

the thing is, when i act normally with him, he acts exactly the same as he did when we were dating. constantly telling me he loves me, etc. its so hard. i feel like i need to hold on to my dignity, because it really hurts my feelings that he wont consider me his girlfriend, but at the same time, all the emotional connections are still there if we're friends or dating, its all the same. i dont know what to do. i hate boys!!! (no offense).

[AmikeA]

its ok i currently hate girls

[ForAnother]

Woot, I hate girls too... lifes a party.

 

ForAnother

[Coyote_the_trickster]

best thing in my eyes is when he wants to get back together...don't give him an answer...show that this is to hard fo ryou ...and let him understand that. and maybe he wont do it again .

 

what will happen, only the futur may tell, but what ever you decide...stay with it and be happy, and live your life

[playful]

I think that you should wait a little while to see what happens, i f he really likes you he will come back to you and if not be thnakful that you got the chance to be with him, to share all the times you guys had, and that it wasnt any longer that you guys were together because it would habe hurt more

[Scout]

First, stop looking at this as what you might have done wrong. Frankly, when I read this post, my first impression was that your guy has a serious shortcoming: emotional immaturity. He views relationships as "stressful."

 

It is very difficult, if not virtually impossible, to be in a relationship with someone who stresses over conflicts to the point where they can't resolve them. It is a mark of emotional immaturity. And that's his problem - NOT YOUR'S.

 

So, he thinks you're basically a headache, eh? Then completely exit his life and discontinue being "friends" with him. And seek someone who is more mature and has a healthy approach to relationships. They are out there, believe it or not.

[Spirits Away]

He wants a less maintainence girlfriend, give him that & see what happens. High maintainence = homework.

[Scout]

But she doesn't sound like a high-maintenance girlfriend. And he's already gotten her down to the lowest maintenance level possible: he's discontinued the commitment, and still has her as a "friend" for when he wants her around.

 

A healthy relationship involves give and take and support on both sides. His life and problems shouldn't take the front seat over her's. If he can't give her equal support and love and time, then they aren't a good match and she should move on, in my opinion. Not just wait for whenever he can throw her a scrap of attention.

[Spirits Away]

That's why i mentioned "see what happens". I don't know whether she's a high maintainence girlfriend or that he's the one who every once in awhile, like you've mentioned "throw her a scrap of attention" depending on his mood

[Scout]

I see what you're saying, Spirit. I also just noticed another poster saying that based on the fact this has happened five times in their relationship, no change is going to be possible without a significant break.

 

At this point, that's what I advocate too. To the original poster: Einstein's definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.

 

At this point, you and your ex have gone this route five times, and after a few days he changes his mind. So - go on a break. A real break, of consistent NC for at least two months. And see if something changes.

[Spirits Away]

I've considered that as well, but people often twist little facts to make it so that they can hear advice that accepts them rather than posting something to make people disagree with them. I'm not saying the poster is doing this, but it happens often. I was taking that into consideration when she said he's done that to her 5 times. I didn't want to go that far, but since you've led me that far, i have no other choice but to say it. But it's a good discussion i suppose.

[Scout]

I've considered that as well' date=' but people often twist little facts to make it so that they can hear advice that accepts them rather than posting something to make people disagree with them. [/quote']

 

Ha! You're not kidding...

 

Anyway, hopefully the original poster will give us some more details so we can continue to try and help.