Is it selfish of me to feel this way?

[adorkable]

Hi everyone. I’ve posted here a few weeks ago about feeling helpless because my bf has been doubting me due to my previous lies. I’ll just copy&paste what I lied about here:

 

Back to the main topic, I lied to him a lot. And this is a perfect example why everyone needs to be honest about everything, no matter how small it is. I've been honest with my bf about all the major things - I've been myself with him, told him about my past, told him about the things I've regretted doing, opened up to him about my family secrets, etc. I let him enter my world completely and I've never done that for anyone else. At the same time, he let me penetrate his life just as much. It was beautiful, until the flip-flopping started. After that, understandably, he didn't know what to believe, whether I was being honest to him or not. So he started questioning everything, began to ask me questions about my past and my online activities. I regret not telling him that I've been sexual with guys online (dirty chats, but this was before I was even close to him), I regret not telling him I flirted with 2 guys (I admitted this to him a few months ago, I flirted with them a few weeks before my bf and I met up for the first time, I felt really guilty about it and have never done anything of the sort after that day). I regret lying to him about not having multiple internet accounts on a few websites (I was an attention seeker in the past and used to make mutliple accounts to talk to people, used fake pictures sometimes, etc). He found out about these accounts after digging things up on his own and it served as evidence that I'm a sociopath. These accounts were from 3-4 years ago and he was convinced that if I could lie about something as small as this, I could lie about anything.

 

So he became concerned with the "what ELSE is she hiding".

 

This is the main problem -my lies. And it became an even bigger problem when I lied to him last month, which I omitted in the previous thread because I wanted to keep things brief. This is what happened:

 

My bf came down to visit me and stayed with me for 3 months; he left when a male cousin of mine was coming to stay with me for a month (my parents arranged this since my aunt and uncle asked them if he could stay with me – and since they’re close family members, my parents agreed – they don’t know I have a bf). So naturally, because of my previous lies my bf doubted if it really was a “cousin” that was staying with me so the checking up on me started. He would get really upset if I didn’t keep my phone on or reply to him within a certain time period. We had multiple arguments about not keeping my phone on and it pissed him off a lot whenever he found that my phone was off. We had days where we would argue all day, and then sometimes during the night, he would msg me or call me 20 times (since my phone would be off). I never really got the feeling that he would only message me whenever he started getting panic attacks or start wondering about stuff – I thought he only called me late at night to “check up on me” and I stupidly felt like it was unfair. I was already feeling caged – telling him where I’m going, what I’m doing, who I’m with, etc etc. To this day, I have to time myself with everything (make sure I don’t eat for too long, make sure I walk fast to get home, make sure I take a shower within a reasonable time, etc – he never asks me for this anymore, but I just want to avoid him doubting me and I feel like it’s just become a habit to tell him every little thing and make sure I don't exceed a certain time period).

 

So one night while we were arguing about keeping my phone on, I had said to him that I didn’t want to disturb my cousin during the night when my phone rings. My bf was understanding about that and said “ok, then just keep your phone on vibrate”. I agreed to keep my phone on vibrate. A few days later, I was so fed up with all the arguments and feeling like I’m being imprisoned that I went to sleep without keeping my phone on vibrate – I wanted at least my sleeping time to myself – and that was a very selfish thing to do on my part. In the morning when I woke up, I saw that he left me many messages and lots of missed calls – I was overcome with anxiety and messaged him back right away. My heart started beating and I knew things were about to get BAD. He asked me why I didn’t leave my phone on VIBRATE, and out of anxiety I just said “I didn’t want to wake up my cousin”. It was a very stupid thing to say. What happened next? He started thinking I was sleeping with my cousin on the same bed, which is just disgusting. And then he reacted and I got what I deserved.

 

I know now that I should help him to trust me in whatever way I can because it’s all been my fault. I’m the one who screwed everything up. I was very self-centered that night by not keeping my phone on and I was viewing myself as the ‘victim’. If I’ve lied to him as much as I have, then I should have been more understanding. But I can’t lie to MYSELF. It hurts too much. Sometimes I feel like I didn’t deserve ANY of this. Is this selfish of me to think? I never meant to hurt him whenever I lied. I just wanted to avoid unnecessary doubts because he can be too analytical at times. I mean I'm not saying I'm an angel and that he shouldn't be upset with me. But I feel like things have gotten way too far.

 

He keeps saying that he doesn’t dislike me because I lied, he just hates that he can’t trust me again. After that night last month, I’ve been doing whatever I can to make sure he doesn’t doubt me, even when he tells me to not msg him out of fear – I just can’t help it. I feel like if I don’t msg him right away or tell him where I am, etc, he’ll begin to wonder. To give you an example of what just happened that prompted me to make this post:

 

After having dinner last night, I got really drowsy by 11pm and I told him I’m going to take a nap. I set my alarm for 11:30, but after waking up, I was still sleepy. So I slept until about 7:45 am this morning, which is about 9 hours. He messaged me twice throughout the night, and woke me up at 7:45. He asked me if I was really sleeping or I was up to something else. I told him the truth that I was sleeping, but I don’t think he’s having it. Anyways, he said he just doesn’t trust me since I destroyed every chance of him ever being able to trust me again. And I agree, I have. (Before, I used to tell him I was being honest even while crying, despite the fact that I was still hiding things I mentioned before). He said I never took it seriously, to which I replied, “Then stop trying to work on things if you can’t trust me.” His response: “Lol, so this is what you were waiting for? The second I say something, you say to stop trying”. He then said something about how other females are showing him affection, yet his own gf isn’t. And I told him it’s a little hard to show affection when I’m always depressed and scared of him, to which he replied he honestly doesn’t care anymore. He doesn’t trust anyone anymore because of me and I feel extremely guilty because of that. I told him that maybe he might trust people slowly if I’m not in his life to remind him of all the lies. And he said, “No, that’s fine. I’ll be here everyday to remind you how it’s not fair for you to be happy.”

 

I asked him “when am I even happy?” He just said he doesn’t care what I say since he doesn’t know what I do behind the scenes, that 95% of what I say is BS, that he couldn’t be like me and cry while lying, etc. And I went on about how I can’t sleep in peace, do my work in peace etc and he just said "you do it to yourself, just you."

 

Is this fair? Or am I just being selfish? I don’t know what to do with this man. I feel like he wants to remain in my life to punish me for all the lies I’ve told him. He knows deep down inside that this relationship is beyond repair and cannot be salvaged. Is it wrong of me to feel like it’s unfair to me, esp when I’m not doing anything wrong? I don’t have anyone to talk to besides my therapist.

 

I regret all the lies I told him, even though they were nothing serious. What made them serious was the fact that I lied about the same things over and over and over again because I just did not want to deal with the consequences. I learned my lesson, but I did it again last month. I was not honest with him about the REAL reason why I didn’t keep my phone on vibrate, which was because: I just wanted a few hours to myself so I can sleep in peace. So I didn’t have to prove anything. So I didn’t have to argue. (Plus, I was under a lot of anxiety at that moment and said whatever stupid thing came to mind). I felt like even if I was honest about my feelings with him, he wouldn't have cared and would have just laughed at me and would have reminded me that he's been through 10x worse because of the pain I put him through. And he keeps bringing it up whenever I say I’m being honest. “But you just lied again last month.”

 

Telling him I’m being honest does nothing, since I’ve lost all credibility. Tell him you want to work things out, and he says “you’ve done too much damage.” Tell him that maybe you should move on and I’m slapped in the face with “lol, this is what you’ve wanted all along haven’t you?”

 

“I’ll be here everyday to remind you how it’s not fair for you to be happy.”

Is THAT fair? This is why I feel like he’s just sticking around because it's “too easy” for me if he just left.

 

Is he right? Am I really doing this all to myself? I try to accept it, it’s like I force myself to try to believe it and internalize it, but it doesn’t feel right. It’s too painful and I have a hard time truly believing it because that is just not how I feel sometimes.

 

I’m sorry this was all over the place. What do YOU think is the right thing to do? I don’t like living in fear, but when thing are good, they’re amazing. I care about him a lot and don’t see myself spending life with anyone other than him. (He says that if I truly cared about him, then none of this would have happened). But it’s like I keep hurting him, even though I feel like I’m not doing anything “wrong”. It’s the crappiest feeling in the world. It's a cycle, I hurt him, then he hurts me, though for him it's only reactionary. Can this even be fixed? Or am I just feeling sorry for myself? (He thinks I do this a lot, that I always make myself seem like the victim). All I know is that I really do care and I've never lied to him with the intent to be malicious or hurt him in any way.

[Lithp]

I can see both sides. I was in a relationship with a guy who would lie to me all the time about everything - where he was, what he was doing, who he was with, etc... - little things that it is truly useless to lie about, but he was under the impression he was doing me a favour by not telling me he was smoking pot all day with his friends instead of going to work... kinda backwards logic in my opinion, but ok. As you can imagine, I was quite fed up and started asking that he just be honest. I don't care if he thinks it's better for me or not, but if he has to think of a story to tell instead of telling the truth, don't do it - the truth is always better. It took some time of him actually trying for me to be able to start trusting him again, but that's the thing - you need to put in effort and show that you are serious about being honest.

 

With that said, if you are doing that then your boyfriend needs to let up on you. I can absolutely see where he is coming from, but it is in no way healthy for either of you if he will not let up on the fact that you have been dishonest with him in the past. He is taking it to an extreme and you should be getting credit for trying, and he should be acknowledging that, not throwing the past in your face all the time. If you are being mindful now and he isn't willing to see that, it will get to a point where that is HIS problem - you may have lied to him in the past but eventually that needs to be tucked away so that you guys can move forward.

 

I think you should sit him down and talk to him about this. Tell him that you are trying and doing everything you can do in order to make things right - that's all you can do. You can't go back and change the fact that you lied and kept things from him, all you can do is change your behaviour from now on, and he needs to allow you to do that. If he can't then unfortunately you might be better off ending things. It isn't up to him to make you pay for the rest of your life for something that you are actively attempting to fix.

[stickman]

Honest communication is important. However, trust is critiical in any lasting relationship. Without it, there is nothing to build on.

 

Trust is earned by deeds done. Once your lose trust it is 10 times harder to gain it back. In fact, often you cant EVER get it back. And rightly so. Only a fool with little self respect allows someone to lie to him over and er again.

 

You first have to want to trust yourself. Find the real YOU. Love the real you.

[lukeb]

I think I would look at it from a different angle. Maybe you didn't actually see that it was all that wrong to be flirting and have sex chats but you felt that you had to lie to him about that because you figured he wouldn't understand. If you feel you have to lie to your bf about who you are then maybe you aren't compatible. I see wrongs on both sides here, you never should have lied to your bf. Your bf is using the lack of trust as a crutch in the relationship because now he doesn't have to put any effort into it because you are not worth it, to me that is just weak. Find someone you can be yourself and be honest with.

[Batya33]

Once you lie to someone especially repeatedly you don't get to judge the person's reaction as an "overreaction" -find someone who has similar values about honesty and lying. I would have the same doubts as your boyfriend does especially since you justify your past behavior in ways that suggest that you might repeat certain of the behaviors in the future - I don't really see the work you've done to change your behavior or values about being genuine and honest. There are men out there who will tolerate lying more than your boyfriend often because they haven't lived an honest life and need the same level of slack cut for them. Or, in the next relationship be honest- you don't have to spill your guts about your past but if you choose to answer questions then answer them honestly.

[itsallgrand]

From all you have written, this sounds like a very toxic relationship. Right from the beginning.

 

It doesn't sound like you are in any position to be in any relationship with any man right now. And haven't been able to even when you entered this relationship. That's ok. The problem is that you did jump into this and the ball has simply kept building and building to worse things.

 

Your bf - which honestly from how you describe things I wouldn't call him by that title at all - has gotten himself consumed in a toxic relationship as well.

 

Neither one of you have the ability, or perhaps the desire either, to get out. But in my opinion, that is exactly what needs to happen.

 

I think, since you mention you have a therapist, you should try talking to her about opinions here in exiting this 'relationship'. From all I know of relationships, granted I don't know everything, this situation isn't going to get better but only worse. It even has the potential for violence. It's a bad cocktail.

 

Staying and living like this isn't going to make it better. It won't make your bf feel better. If there isn't trust, both of you going deeper into toxic behaviors (and you are both behaving in very toxic ways, feeding off each other) isn't going to help anyone.

 

Someone needs to be strong here and disengage. Don't wait for permission from the bf to do it. He's been clear he is pissed off and has no intention of breaking this off. He's been clear he will just keep tightening the leash and getting meaner if you stick around.

 

Neither one of you are behaving or being straight. No point dishing out blame here: you are both responsible for this situation. It's up to you to make some choices for your own life. You are the one who has to wake up to this every day.