journeynow Posted February 23, 2012 Share Posted February 23, 2012 Wow, he sure sounds smitten! A few thoughts about marriage vs commitment vs going with the flow. I wasn't excited about marriage when I was growing up—it wasn't a goal of mine and it didn't interest me. When I met my ex, neither of us believed in marriage, nor felt we'd ever want to marry. That changed after we fell in love and decided the commitment of it mattered to us, something about the bigger recognition felt powerful and right, that it was public and not just private... Now, I'm not sure how I feel about marriage, but the one thing that stands out for me is that in a medical emergency spouses are recognized as next of kin, whereas lovers (as far as I know) are not. It would add difficulty to either person in such a situation if they could not be together because contact is limited to family... It's not the shared property that is the main thing, but the commitment, and ability and right to be together for the big events... Link to comment
Batya33 Posted February 23, 2012 Share Posted February 23, 2012 I believe in many states (or countries) that can be accomplished by a civil union or domestic partnership (I am sure what it's called varies). It's interesting to hear different opinions on the meaning, or lack of meaning, of marriage. Link to comment
journeynow Posted February 23, 2012 Share Posted February 23, 2012 I believe in many states (or countries) that can be accomplished by a civil union or domestic partnership (I am sure what it's called varies). It's interesting to hear different opinions on the meaning, or lack of meaning, of marriage. Right, which is along the lines of making a legal commitment/marriage. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted February 23, 2012 Share Posted February 23, 2012 Right, which is along the lines as making a legal commitment/marriage. To me personally it's very different to be married than to be domestic partners (for people who have the ability to get married - not referring to same sex where that is the only option where they live). Link to comment
journeynow Posted February 23, 2012 Share Posted February 23, 2012 To me personally it's very different to be married than to be domestic partners (for people who have the ability to get married - not referring to same sex where that is the only option where they live). I hadn't heard of opposite-sex domestic partnership. But I was referring to the "piece of paper" idea of commitment vs a long term relationship without the legal recognition. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted February 23, 2012 Share Posted February 23, 2012 I hadn't heard of opposite-sex domestic partnership. But I was referring to the "piece of paper" idea of commitment vs a long term relationship without the legal recognition. Yes, it exists- my friend chose that path. I understand what you were referring to - I personally can't relate to a "piece of paper idea of commitment" unless the purpose of the marriage is for a green card or some other legal status only. Link to comment
Silverbirch Posted February 23, 2012 Author Share Posted February 23, 2012 Well Bataya, I'm not sure. He didn't say a lot to my response. Maybe he was a little surprised. Knowing him, I think he was probably glad to know that I'm not desperate to get my claws into him or anything like that. There was a lot of talking, but it was very relaxed and a quite a lot of laughing too. JN, I hadn't thought about NOK status. My ex was previously stated as my NOK with the hospital from when I had just gone there a couple of years ago for severe migraine, and when I went into hospital last time, I had him removed as my NOK and my son as my NOK. I didn't feel good about that because I would so hate for my son to be contacted if something terrible happened to me. He's still my baby in ways like that even though he's grown up. I hate the NOK thingy because it usually relates to when somebody is very sick or dies, but guess it's something most of us will need to think about at some point. I don't feel I need to do that right now, not urgently. David was the person who was there for me with the cancer although I felt then and still feel that I have to be as self-reliant as I can because it will pull others down. I've seen it happen in my own family and work. Anyway, I'm not planning on dying for a long time yet. David has told me the last couple of days that he worries about that. He told me he thinks about me all the time and misses me a lot when we are apart, but that after the last 2 times we stayed together he has felt this real "connection" to me. I know I feel the same way about him. JN, I used to feel the way you used to feel about public recognition, but now that I'm older, it doesn't seem important at all now that I've recently been in a position where I've had to really think out how I genuinely feel on the inside about it. Link to comment
rocio Posted February 23, 2012 Share Posted February 23, 2012 I think what's important is to identify what is motivating your decisions. Whether a person decides to go the marriage route, or whether they avoid marriage but pursue a long term relationship, it's important that those choices are motivated not be fear but by enthusiasm and joy. Link to comment
journeynow Posted February 23, 2012 Share Posted February 23, 2012 I personally can't relate to a "piece of paper idea of commitment" unless the purpose of the marriage is for a green card or some other legal status only. An acquaintance introduced me to his live-in companion as his wife. They had just gotten married and so I congratulated them. He kind of shrugged and said at their age (late 50's?) they didn't "need" go get married, but it there were problems with her green card (or visa?) and so they did. It sounded so empty... nothing about love and commitment. Link to comment
Silverbirch Posted February 23, 2012 Author Share Posted February 23, 2012 Well, I feel very excited about the idea of having the relationship I have always wanted - one that has both freedom of the individual and deep love for each other. He brought up monogamy - that is what he says he wants with me forever. I don't believe that marriage works for everyone - divorce is proof of that. If we are happy without marriage, to me it seems like why try to fix something that isn't broken. He also asked me again about living with him, telling me all these things he could do for me- practical things. I told him I don't need him in my life for that - I already have arrangements in place for those types of things. Then he got excited and quite animated and said: "Yes, I know, you want to live with me because you love me don't you." Yeah, I do - when the time is right. I don't think the time will be that far away. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted February 23, 2012 Share Posted February 23, 2012 It sounds like you two know what you want. I have individual freedom within my marriage - not sure if that is true of all marriages. I don't agree that divorce is proof of whether "marriage" works - I'd have to know in each case whether it was that being married didn't work or being married to that particular individual didn't work. Obviously marriage is not for everyone whether or not those people ever marry. It's interesting to hear your perspective on marriage and it sounds like he is on the same page with you. Enjoy! Link to comment
Silverbirch Posted February 23, 2012 Author Share Posted February 23, 2012 Hey Thanks Bataya. I should be in bed asleep,but it was such a great day today that I'm still thinking about it. Nite! Link to comment
Realitynut Posted February 23, 2012 Share Posted February 23, 2012 I'm so happy for you! I was a little surprised at his comment tho...the last 2 times you were together he felt this connection...huh...hadn't he felt it before??? Also, my sis and I have read 'this book' (don't ya love it!!) that men like to feel needed. Not just as ' loved' but needed TO help with the little things. So even though you have everything taken care of, and dont NEED him for the little things...some men feel useful, loved, wanted and NEEDED to help you with the small everyday things you can do for yourself...but they enjoy doing for you. So in other words SB...don't be so quick to be TOO independent!!! lol Especially the older guys I think, they want to be ....dang I can't spell the word...gentlemanly....lol....you know the types...a man! Don't be so quick to discount marriage either. If you both someday like the 'feel' of being married, you just might run off and tie the knot! There is something so secure, so committed...soooo....I love you so much, I can't imagine not proposing to you and making you my wife..kind of thing. Maybe I still live in a fairytale land.....I just like the sound of husband and wife...especially if I loved the guy...lol Link to comment
Silverbirch Posted February 23, 2012 Author Share Posted February 23, 2012 LOL Carla, Nothing is for certainty so you never know what might happen. Yes, he certainly seems different - like that he has opened up on a different level. I think it has happened since the night I took myself out and had a good time,and then came to accept that for me,marriage is not the be and end all. We won't get to see each other until Sunday due to our work,and I'm so looking forward to seeing him next as I think he is with me. Something else I found out about him which is sort of funny. When I first started seeing him, I asked him how tall he was. He said 6 feet 4 inches. I said something like: "OMG" and he quickly said,"6 2, I used to be 6 4 but I shrank with age I think." Well, I found out last night he is 6 4". Link to comment
pl3asehelp Posted February 23, 2012 Share Posted February 23, 2012 An acquaintance introduced me to his live-in companion as his wife. They had just gotten married and so I congratulated them. He kind of shrugged and said at their age (late 50's?) they didn't "need" go get married, but it there were problems with her green card (or visa?) and so they did. It sounded so empty... nothing about love and commitment. Well, they were probably already in love and committed before getting married and like he said, just got married for the green card. Link to comment
Silverbirch Posted February 25, 2012 Author Share Posted February 25, 2012 Well, they were probably already in love and committed before getting married and like he said, just got married for the green card. Yes, to me it sounded like they didn't "need" to get married, but they wanted to be together, it was just visa laws which were preventing that. Link to comment
journeynow Posted February 25, 2012 Share Posted February 25, 2012 Well, they were probably already in love and committed before getting married and like he said, just got married for the green card. To tell the truth, it came accross kind of cold and unloving. Link to comment
Silverbirch Posted February 25, 2012 Author Share Posted February 25, 2012 Hi JN, I suppose people and couples tend to give off a vibe and so sounds like you picked up on something. Funny thing was that before I got together with David and was with him,people,including an older couple who know him, thought we were an item/couple. Link to comment
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