Why Do Men Date Gold Diggers? Answers!

[WhenWillILove]

The way I see it, denying sex once married should be instant grounds for a divorce - no questions asked. If you don't want to have sex with someone, you especially should not be married to them. It's one of the primary duties of being IN A MARRIAGE.

 

Who even mentioned dying sex as a reason for divorce on this thread? You just took that out of nowwhere. There are OTHER reasons for divorce that don't necessarily are sex-related.

 

You are just taking the few experiences of your relatives and acquaintances, blowing them out of proportion, and saying that hey, this is the way divorce works in our Western society.

[WhenWillILove]

If women were more inclined to stay, as you think, then divorce between 1800 and 1900 would be predominitantly initiated BY THE MAN. And yet, the facts show it's THE WOMAN who's been more likely to initiate. And it's not by the margin of error, it's a full 10%. Myth versus fact...

 

 

 

Like I said before...I'm the oldest of five kids who were raised by a single father from below the poverty line. Our accomplishments speak for themselves. and it was done WITHOUT that fancy shmancy child support thingy too. And I'll tell you now, neither my mom nor my dad were saints. No, they were far from it. The only thing that kept me going as a kid was knowing that some day, I'd grow up and I'd move away and I'd never have to go back to that again. The currnet divorce system made it that much worse.

 

Most children raised below the poverty line, and on the poverty line, do not fair well as those who were raised above it. Most do not get a college education, most end up getting pregnant at a young age, and so forth. I'd assume these below poverty line single parent families would be living in very poor areas where the influence of other neighbors isn't all that good.

 

Yeah, I lived for a year in a poverty-line area. Nothin' good came out of it. Asides from drugs, violence, and so much more. Most of my classmates were trouble makers who didn't know any better. Most of them did not go on to college. A butt load of them became pregnant. Many are stuck in low wage jobs.

 

So your scenario is not the every day case.

[WhenWillILove]

Everything you say is steered for the man's defense. Well, have you considered cheating? Infidelity is in the top 5 reasons for divorce. So, now, let's say the man cheats, and I've got a kid or two with him. I'll try my hardest to stay married to this man. But eventually, the lies break down any marriage. So yeah, even though I'm giving him a second chance, deep down I'm also emotionally hurt like hell and no, I'm not ready to jump into sex with him the day after he comes clean.

 

Not saying women don't cheat. They sure do and good for the man for divorcing that cheat.

 

I'll give you a real life example. Sometimes, married people lose attraction towards each other. My ex-boyfriend worked with a butt load of men. Almost every day during lunch hour (he'd make jokes on this, but really, it was sad) the men at his table would gawk at the women passing by by the food tray aisle thing. Then they'd jokingly ask, "What size you think she is?" And if there was an attractive woman that was thing (didn't matter even if she was 60), they'd go, "Why can't my wife look like that?" Of course, they weren't stud either. Most were overweight, like their wives.

 

Hey, if I stayed at a size 2 as I am now but my husband gradually increased his weight over the years until he was overweight, or worse, obese, yeah, I'd lose my attraction towards him most likely. Would the sex go off the table? Most likely. If he'd be reluctant to lose the weight, I would eventually not desire him sexually.

[Batya33]

"Hey, if I stayed at a size 2 as I am now but my husband gradually increased his weight over the years until he was overweight, or worse, obese, yeah, I'd lose my attraction towards him most likely. Would the sex go off the table? Most likely. If he'd be reluctant to lose the weight, I would eventually not desire him sexually."

 

With all due respect I don't think marriage is right for you or any sort of long term commitment if that is your standard (especially if you think that somehow your choosing to stay slim means he has to stay a certain weight even if he gains weight from medical reasons or other reasons not entirely in his control). Sure there are extreme examples but the "better or worse" in the marriage vows doesn't mean "unless you gain weight". Perhaps more short term dating or only dating men who are currently into fitness and sports and keeping a certain shape would work better for you so that you can leave easily if they put on a few pounds.

[WhenWillILove]

A few pounds doesn't translate to overweight and obese. A few pounds is 5-10 lbs which would not translate to overweight or obese in most cases.

Most people that are overweight or obese have not come that way due to serious medical conditions. Yes, there are those cases. It's the overeating and inactivity that are the major causes behind obesity. That's a life style in itself that I'm not willing to conform to.

There are handicapped people that are in great shape. If an able bodied person can't stay in shape (and I'm not necessarily referring to the proverbial 6-pack) because he or she enjoys overeating and inactivity, sorry, not the life style for me. If I want to hike in the summer or go canoeing for the next 5 hours, will an overweight and/or obese man be able to do that? He'll probably die out on me one hour into it. No, thank you. I'm also sure his interests wouldn't involve much physical activity.

 

Look at Jack Lallane and his wife. Both fit people for the rest of their lives. So...maybe marriage wasn't right for Mr. Lalane and his wife.

 

Medical reasons are something else. And even then, just today I saw a cancer survivor. He went from a regular thin man to the body of a Brad Pitt. If he can do it....so can I and my SO.

[Batya33]

You twisted what I wrote. Obviously I meant that to have the standard that your husband can never be overweight if he wants to stay married to you is unrealistic. There are extreme examples including where the weight gain is part of a larger picture of serious emotional/psychological problems, addictions etc - I was just responding to what you stated your standards are. I think your bigger issue in finding a good match is going to be your tendency to generalize negatively about people and your negativity in general which comes accross from your posts (meaning if that is what you're really like in real life when you interact with people). That will sabotage your efforts far more than your focus on a partner staying in shape for you to keep your marriage vows.

[WhenWillILove]

I'm sure you're well aware of what BMI stands for.

Now, let's translate overweight into BMI terms.

I am 112 lbs and 5 feet 5 inches tall. That would stand at a BMI of 18.6 which fits into the normal range of 18.5 - 24.9.

In order for me to fit the BMI of 24.9, I'd have to weight 149 lbs. That would mean I'd have to gain around 37 lbs. Anything above that, and I'd be overweight.

 

So, I'm sure 37 lbs to you is not a couple of lbs.

 

If my SO was having emotional issues such as anxiety and/or depression, I'd encourage him even more so to exercise and eat healthy. I'm also sure you're well aware that exercise works just as good as medication in alleviating depression. And it's the natural way, too. Eating unhealthy has been linked to mood disorders, as well.

 

So......A healthy body is a happy mind.

 

Lastly, I'm pretty sure most members of this forum would only deal with so much anxiety, depression and addiction. After a few years, it really wears you down. Most women leave their chronic alcoholic husbands. If he doesn't get his act together, she's encouraged to leave. So, where's the 'till death do us part' in that?

 

How long would you put up with your husband if he was a depressed alcoholic? 2 years? 5? 10? What if he kept going into relapses?

 

I'm pretty sure you'd divorce him by then.

[Lonewing]

Interesting, Lonewing, how you didn't tackle my argument which offered conclusive evidence that single mothers have a far more difficult time getting hired.

 

Because it is indeed true And if she wants to get hired, all she has to do is give custody to the man. Her child support payments won't be that bad at all, either, because based upon her income, which is likely none, so a small percentage of nothing is, well, nothing. Without the kids, she can then apply herself towards getting a job. I see no reason her children should appear in her resume, otherwise.

 

"Mathematics of Sex" put it clearest why the sex gap still exists in STEM fields. It's pretty clear Why an employer would be more interested in a childless figure versus a primary care figure. The former can put in 60-80 hours of work a week without complaint; the latter can put in 35 or 40. And the latter will be asking time off all the time to go run off and care for the kids. Find a way to solve this fundamental issue and open these careerfields to single parents.

[Lonewing]

Everything you say is steered for the man's defense. Well, have you considered cheating? Infidelity is in the top 5 reasons for divorce. So, now, let's say the man cheats, and I've got a kid or two with him. I'll try my hardest to stay married to this man. But eventually, the lies break down any marriage. So yeah, even though I'm giving him a second chance, deep down I'm also emotionally hurt like hell and no, I'm not ready to jump into sex with him the day after he comes clean.

 

Not saying women don't cheat. They sure do and good for the man for divorcing that cheat.

 

Yes, yes indeed, women sure do commit adultery. The infidelity itself, though, is a SYMPTOM of a greater problem: missing physical intimacy. Yes, I am steering this towards the man's defense - because from what I have read, in almsot every case it is the WOMAN who has stopped encouraging physcial intimacy within the relationship. She is fine with sex once a week or once a month or even once a year, and think that's fine. It's NOT. And the amusing part is, these women think everything is fine in their relationships..."Why did I marry you anyways," or "Divorce Lawyer's guide To Staying Married" would explain this very well for you - pick them both up!!

 

Losing attraction is what happens when people stop actively reinforcing their commitment to this other person. That's what commitment means - Refusal to Lose Attraction!

 

And one way that attraction is kept healthy is through regular active sex.

[Lonewing]

Who even mentioned dying sex as a reason for divorce on this thread? You just took that out of nowwhere. There are OTHER reasons for divorce that don't necessarily are sex-related.

 

You are just taking the few experiences of your relatives and acquaintances, blowing them out of proportion, and saying that hey, this is the way divorce works in our Western society.

 

The issue of marital rape was brought up. Marital rape occurs when one person no longer wishes to have sex - so if neither person ever gets to the point where they never no longer want to have sex with each other, then marital rape can never occur, now can it? In short, what I am saying is, if it's going to be rape if sex occurs, that marriage was over before the "rape" ever happened.

[Lonewing]

Most men are smart enough NOT to date a single mother. All the statistics, besides the fact that she has kids, says a relationship with such a person is bound for ruin anyways. And there is a lot of people who don't like the idea of raising another's kids.

 

But this has hardly been a detterant to women getting divorces...so tell me, if all these negative things happen to women when they get divorced, WHY IS THE MAJORITY WHO INITIATE DIVORCE WOMEN? Why is it the man who's still working on making the relationship work? Something tells me your side of the story is not so fully represented here.

[Lonewing]

Lonewing, remind me if I ever go to court I should hire you as my lawyer.

 

Oh no, I'd be a terrible lawyer!! Hence why I avoided it and became a scientist instead!!

[WhenWillILove]

Most men are smart enough NOT to date a single mother. All the statistics, besides the fact that she has kids, says a relationship with such a person is bound for ruin anyways. And there is a lot of people who don't like the idea of raising another's kids.

 

But this has hardly been a detterant to women getting divorces...so tell me, if all these negative things happen to women when they get divorced, WHY IS THE MAJORITY WHO INITIATE DIVORCE WOMEN? Why is it the man who's still working on making the relationship work? Something tells me your side of the story is not so fully represented here.

 

Well, your the one that's giving out all these divorce stats. Maybe you can find out why is it that women initiate divorce in a majority of cases.

"Why is it the man who's still working on making the relationship work?" Well, maybe because he's cheating or not trying to make it work that she's filing for divorce. Infidelity is top 5 so....

[Lonewing]

Well, your the one that's giving out all these divorce stats. Maybe you can find out why is it that women initiate divorce in a majority of cases.

"Why is it the man who's still working on making the relationship work?" Well, maybe because he's cheating or not trying to make it work that she's filing for divorce. Infidelity is top 5 so....

 

Yes, you keep saying that...I guess it might bust your bubble, though, to know that it wasn't the infidelity that lead to the divorce; it was the issue that lead to the infidelity itself, that led to the divorce.

 

And it may be painful to repeat this, but men are no more or less likely to be unfaithful than women...

link removed

It would probably be really nice to see a literature review on this subject, I'll see what I can dig up...

 

Maybe, just maybe, it's because the man is more willing to forgive the wife afterwards...hence, the men aren't rushing out to get a divorce.

 

It just seems ironic, that even with all these negatives aimed at women if they get divorced, that they are the ones who are initiating it more often. What this suggests to me is that these negative claims are vastly overexaggerated - or it would be MEN who are initiating the majority of divorces.

 

I should mention one more thing...one of the worse things a man can do nowadays is give his wife the Privelege of being a stay at home mom. If she decideds to leave him, she's due a larger settlement, higher child support, and higher alimony all based on the idea that now she will have a harder life because she's no longer married and supported by him. Well, duh...oh my, she may have to even Work!!

[Batya33]

I should mention one more thing...one of the worse things a man can do nowadays is give his wife the Privelege of being a stay at home mom. If she decideds to leave him, she's due a larger settlement, higher child support, and higher alimony all based on the idea that now she will have a harder life because she's no longer married and supported by him. Well, duh...oh my, she may have to even Work!!

 

LOL I feel privileged to be able to be a full time mom (stay at home doesn't describe what I do every day) but I have financial independence (because I worked on that before I got married) and wouldn't dream of asking for alimony were we to divorce. Child support -yes -higher because of what I did for work -nope. And yes, it's work -hard work, often exhausting. As hard as I worked in my two careers for a combined almost 20 years? Yes, sometimes harder and I chose intense careers. It's really offensive when people sterotype full time mothers in this way. I am looking forward to returning to working outside the home once my child is in school because I have a very strong work ethic and I don't think I'd be busy enough or making enough of a contribution once my child is in school.

[The_Seeker]

Oh no, I'd be a terrible lawyer!! Hence why I avoided it and became a scientist instead!!

 

Ha ha ha!

 

;] Don't be so modest, my dear.

[Lonewing]

LOL I feel privileged to be able to be a full time mom (stay at home doesn't describe what I do every day) but I have financial independence (because I worked on that before I got married) and wouldn't dream of asking for alimony were we to divorce. Child support -yes -higher because of what I did for work -nope. And yes, it's work -hard work, often exhausting. As hard as I worked in my two careers for a combined almost 20 years? Yes, sometimes harder and I chose intense careers. It's really offensive when people sterotype full time mothers in this way. I am looking forward to returning to working outside the home once my child is in school because I have a very strong work ethic and I don't think I'd be busy enough or making enough of a contribution once my child is in school.

 

Not all women are bad, at least, not yet! But they do all seem to be married!!!

 

I know a coworker who was almost facing a $800 a month Alimony payment becasue his woman wanted to leave him. She doesn;t work because he's given her that option, and she's happily taken it - free rent, too. She has a kid, and it's not even HIS kid, but he's more than happy to be there to raise it, even though she keep shim at an arms length. They got back together, I think, but it's still one of those reminders for me why I Don't want anything to do with the single mothers... Find me a good one, I'll reconsider, but thus far...well, I think Lot woud have an easier time findinf just one good person in his city.

[WhenWillILove]

You remind me of one guy I was this close to going out on a date with.

He sounded bitter, just like you, from the very beginning. Bitter about women.

When I asked him to meet up closer to my side of town, he claimed I was 'taking advantage' of him because he had to drive 20 minutes more.

He wanted to meet up at a mall and 'just walk around'. I didn't think that was a good way to get closure, so I suggested a small coffee shop or a diner. He claimed I was very picky and that the only way he'd take me out to eat (I didn't even ask for that) was if I proved to him that I was worth his money. That there was no way he'd take me out to eat unless we'd do something really simple (and by that, he meant free) and then he'd consider whether I deserved to be taken out to eat.

 

By then, I was very reluctant to meet up. But he kept on pushing. When I went 10 minutes late because I couldn't find the place, he called and kept yelling at me for being irresponsible. I dropped him like hot potatoes.

 

The next day he sent me a long-winded message about how women take advantage of him, how he won't put up with this crap, he wrote about how the one and only girl he dated took advantage of him (they dated for a meager 2 weeks), how he deserves someone better than me, how I'm not even attractive but very average-looking, how he's going to find a woman who is not only beautiful but also has a career and earning his kind of salary, and she'll afford to take him out once in a while, and the list went on.

 

I never responded back.

Oh yeah, at the age of 33, he never had a girlfriend in his life and the closest he got was a kiss on the cheek.

[Lonewing]

You remind me of one guy I was this close to going out on a date with.

He sounded bitter, just like you, from the very beginning. Bitter about women.

When I asked him to meet up closer to my side of town, he claimed I was 'taking advantage' of him because he had to drive 20 minutes more.

 

o_O

 

One of the first questions I ask my potential dates, when we're setting up date, is which side of town they live on. Then, when it comes time to select a palce for dinner, I offer up selections fromt hat side of town, or a region convienient on that side. I've been on all sides of this city, so I am aware of great dining selections on all sides. And I have favorites on each side I don't get to visit all that often, so I love it!

 

He wanted to meet up at a mall and 'just walk around'. I didn't think that was a good way to get closure, so I suggested a small coffee shop or a diner. He claimed I was very picky and that the only way he'd take me out to eat (I didn't even ask for that) was if I proved to him that I was worth his money. That there was no way he'd take me out to eat unless we'd do something really simple (and by that, he meant free) and then he'd consider whether I deserved to be taken out to eat.

 

Oh please...If I can't spare you a meal now, then I most Certainly Cannot afford to be IN a relationship in the first place!! It's a first proper date, not a marriage proposal....

 

By then, I was very reluctant to meet up. But he kept on pushing. When I went 10 minutes late because I couldn't find the place, he called and kept yelling at me for being irresponsible. I dropped him like hot potatoes.

 

O_o

 

If you want to tame a kitten, you use a large ball of ground beef.

If you want to run it off, you throw rocks at it.

Even a five year old knows this...

Idiot...

 

The next day he sent me a long-winded message about how women take advantage of him, how he won't put up with this crap, he wrote about how the one and only girl he dated took advantage of him (they dated for a meager 2 weeks), how he deserves someone better than me, how I'm not even attractive but very average-looking, how he's going to find a woman who is not only beautiful but also has a career and earning his kind of salary, and she'll afford to take him out once in a while, and the list went on.

 

Oh baby, is he going to get his eggs cracked, yolked, scrambled and scattered...[did I ever say men are saints???]

 

I never responded back.

 

You, madam, have some reserve!! I know more than a few who would have FRIED his brain a NICE message back that would have Seared into the back of his skull!

 

Oh yeah, at the age of 33, he never had a girlfriend in his life and the closest he got was a kiss on the cheek.

 

The bitter single man is no better than a bitter single mom...

 

==============================================================================================

 

Sweetie {if I may say sweetie},

 

I may have high standards and a low esteem about the present attitude of women, but I'll be straight; I have a low esteem about humanity in general right now. And for good Reason - they treat each other like * * * * * ! And if they get a nice good person in their clutches, oh my, it's a FEEDING FRENZIE! So Disgusting. On one side, we have men happily sucking up a girl who's thinking he's actually into her, and on the other side we have women ripping mens testicles out through their hearts! That's why I'm being so selective!!

 

This guy you describe is hardly at all anything like myself.

 

I'll have you know I took a very nice young lady out on a date this last week and to a rather expensive restaurant she'd never been to, but always wanted to [it was my suggestion, even!], even thoguh she has lived int his small city her whole life. Now nothing came of our date, and there won't be much more of "Us," I don't think [...hmm, though revisiting her post date message, she's just saying she didn't feel much of a spark, which is more than No Spark...hmmm...maybe I shouldn't be so quick to put this out!!].

 

Now you might be confused what I got out of this date, but I'll have you know that I truly had a great time getting out and having dinner like I did; I regarded it as a really treat. And my date, She was worth every minute she spent with me. I WAS going to leave it lie, but seeing as how I've reread this message...and she viewed my profile tonight...AND if "Curse of the Singles Table" is any small lesson, the "catch" DOES take some time to grab hold...I think I might ask her out a second time...something a bit more HER speed, this time!!

 

Women don't take advantage of me. I take horrible advantage of myself, though, and happily provide for them - I enjoy doing it. I do consider myself a good catch, though, in a lot of regards, so I wouldn't want to deprive my future woman of what I have to offer. On the otherhand, though, I know there are more than a few around here who would LOVE to eat me all the way up to the bank. And then, it's the merry sound of testicles crunching between their famished pearly whites...so I do have to be careful, and watch out. There's a lot of good indicators of an unstable woman...and when I see them, I REFUSE to date!

 

Because honestly, if there's one thing that will deprive my future all-deserving woman of myself, it would be an ingret miserable wretch of a human being getting to me first, sucking out my marrow, and then throwing me back for dead.

 

And we really can't have that. I'd hate to think all I'd be for my good woman, is a good patient...

[WhenWillILove]

Well, good to know that you're not heading down this guy's lane.

It was pure God awful attitude....He's probably still single and horny right now. And probably counting the money in his bank. He was very adamant about informing me he earned a 'handsome' salary, owned a house and a spankin' new Lexus. Oh, and never mind his educational credentials which I knew like the back of my hand at the end of our 40-minute phone convo.

I don't think his parents ever taught him the meaning behind, "You have to give a little to get a little."

[Batya33]

When I was dating I would not have wasted my time meeting up with someone who seemed bitter or negative on the phone especially about women - that kind of first impression usually endures through the second and third impression. Everyone can have a bad day but if it wasn't someone I had mutual friends with I didn't waste my time. Maybe ask yourself not why this guy was so negative but why you agreed to meet up (and I don't think the answer is "because everyone deserves a chance" because clearly from how you describe what you're looking for you don't believe that). The answer to that question might give you valuable insight into whether you're making effective choices in who you spend your time with particularly since you have a busy schedule and you'd like to settle down sooner than later. I'd also be careful with the passive "he kept pushing". He's a stranger or near stranger and you allowed yourself to be pushed to meet- he did nothing except act persistent. My guess is you've allowed yourself to be "pushed" more than this time. The why would be interesting for you to figure out I think.

[WhenWillILove]

That was quite a long time ago.

Initially, I felt bad for him. From the way he talked, I was pretty sure he hadn't dated many women, if any. And I knew by him bragging on and on about his education, money, house that he was indirectly trying to impress me but was very clueless about the 'proper' way of doing this.

 

I think most people tend to do that initially to impress the other person, just not to that of a great extent as he did.

 

Looking back at it now, I think the fact that so many women rejected him, or maybe because he had a really tough time getting dates, he was bitter about it and compensated on this by boasting about his self. I'm pretty sure this cyclical rejection also made him dislike women in some ways, so his bragging was also a way of saying, "I've got so much to offer....I don't really need you or any other woman that desperately." When in fact, he was pretty desperate and lonely.

 

This reminds me of a story a couple of years back. A man shot a bunch of women in a gym and claimed beforehand that the reason behind his rage was because so many had rejected him....Obviously, extreme but it does make you sympathize with those men who do try in and out and end up in the 'friend zone' or just plain ol' rejected.

 

Sucks for him.

[Batya33]

So many of your examples concern extreme and negative situations about men. Is that really how you want to spend your time?

[WhenWillILove]

So many of your examples concern extreme and negative situations about men. Is that really how you want to spend your time?

 

I don't know what you're talking about at this point in the conversation.

[Batya33]

I don't know what you're talking about at this point in the conversation.

 

I'm not surprised. It's sometimes hard to see for yourself how you're coming accross as negative about men and relationships especially when it's couched in the generalizations you're fond of. It would be good if you could see so you could then choose whether that mindset is working for you.