The Black Rainbow

[ProtestTheHero]

Who cares?

 

That's what I stick into every "about me" section in any website.

 

I don't care. You shouldn't either.

 

LOL.

 

I'm 23 years old. I have a job and I make enough money to live alone. I am not your redneck romeo. I hate country music. I don't know if I want a family and I don't want to be faced with that decision imminently. I don't go to church. I go to bars but I don't care if I get laid 500 times or if I don't have sex again for 500 years. I see 500000000 versions of the same person with different faces and I'm bored. Life is boring. Life is responsibility and bills and fretting. Let's all get together and just masturbate to our own anxiety because that's all that being an adult has to offer you. Pressure, problems, no rewards.

 

I want to drive 150 mph in the snow. I want to take the 15th shot when everyone else is telling me to cool it off a little because I just don't care. What are we preserving ourselves for anyway? What is it that we're all so damn fascinated to see? What is it that I'm supposed to be invested in seeing or accomplishing?

 

Life is a lot less romantic once you realize it doesn't have anything to offer you.

[tiredofvampires]

Hope I'm not taking too much of a liberty...if I may...

 

Sunlight is all one, even when it is broken up by walls, mountains, and a host of other things. Substance is all one, even when it is parceled out among the numberless living bodies of different sorts, each with its own special qualities. Soul is all one, even when it is distributed among countless natures of every kind in countless differing proportions. Even soul that is gifted with the additional quality of thought, though apparently divisible, is likewise all one. For the other parts of all those organisms -- their breath, for example -- are material things, incapable of sensation, which have no affinity with each other and are only kept together by the unifying pressure of gravitation. But thought, by its very nature, tends spontaneously towards anything of its own kind and mingles with it; so that the instinct for unity is not frustrated.

~Marcus Aurelius, Meditations

[ProtestTheHero]

You are perfectly free to post, but I would be lying if I told you that I understood how to apply any of that to my situation.

[tiredofvampires]

It wasn't meant to have any practical application.

 

Some things about your situation -- the practical predicament -- require practical approaches and modifications.

 

Other things about your situation, which are more a priori -- i.e, the human condition, which involves thoughts and how one relates to life -- require different approaches and modifications. Interpreting one's situation (in this sense of the word, "situation") and reflecting in a way that could be more edifying is one type of approach to changing the experience you're having. Partly because modifications on this level lead in indirect ways to modifications on the grosser, practical level.

 

But if it doesn't mean anything to you, it doesn't. It is not a directive, it is a thought-provoking nugget. I was just tossing it out there thinking something there might be worthwhile. I just like it, personally, I guess. I think it expresses something subtle but substantial eloquently. I wouldn't/couldn't do it the disservice of trying to paraphrase why.

[ProtestTheHero]

I think you would need to post something incredibly negative for it to resonate with me right now, lol. I was wrong and so was John Donne -- every man is an island. Something like that.

[tiredofvampires]

I just edited what I wrote in a few places, so it evolved a bit in the last few minutes, lol. So go back and reread. (I took out the word "resonate" for one [as you were writing the above], because I actually don't think that particular word, in the "right"/wrong place, would resonate, itself, with you. This would be a case in point. haha.)

 

What do you mean, you were wrong. You never agreed with John Donne anyway, lol.

 

I thought I'd see if Marcus had a shot in his own right, now some journal entries later, but unfortunately, I see he's been relegated to the Donne team. Fie on it, then. But it was worth a try.

[tiredofvampires]

I think you would need to post something incredibly negative for it to resonate with me right now, lol.

 

And btw, right now, I could definitely do that given the mood I am in. Might resonate, but it wouldn't help. lol

[ProtestTheHero]

I guess I'm just not very interested in constantly twisting a rubik's cube in my head that places every situation into some greater context so that I can live life with enlightened perspective. Like I've said before...boom or bust. If I can't achieve what I want, I don't really want to figure out how to deal with mediocrity. I'd rather just check out.

 

...And i love this band.

 

[video=youtube;LzK0ZOBkCWk] ]

[tiredofvampires]

It's a false choice: either live with "mediocrity" or go boom/bust. Either live in an enlightened way, or strive to be excellent. lol What you've created is a polarization that's artificial. The idea seems to make sense, but in the world, it's like looking for a rainbow with red and violet, and nothing in between, in that visible spectrum.

 

But we do have different goals, that's clear. I am interested in how to find a balance between what I want and being unattached to it.

 

I'm supremely interested in ending suffering, as a top priority. After making painful tradeoffs for a lifetime, it's become one. But for a long time, I couldn't reconcile that with my "values." However, I found that my values were all resting on false premises about reality, and that was the breakthrough. That was my valid escape clause.

 

I've found through my own observation (though this is on the prompting of the guides who have influenced me the most), that the ROOT of suffering is attachment. That's it, that's all. To things, to people, to ideas, to myself, and most of all, to self-identity. Our "vision" of what we were supposed to be, who we are supposed to be, what is supposed to be happening, and why -- these are the causes of our suffering, and if we want to get off that wheel, the answer is to cut these attachments at their roots. It's not really a rubic's cube puzzle. It's very straightforward. It makes a world of sense. Because when I ask myself a question, "Would I be miserable if I didn't think it SHOULD be this way, or I SHOULD be that way?" what is the answer to that when I examine it? The answer to that is a no. No, come to think of it. If I didn't have these ideas that I am clinging to, which are something like slippery rocks in the river, I would not miss them if they were gone. If I didn't clutch at them for dear life, the fears of losing them would cease. The perils of never having them would leave my mind. The prospect of wanting them to the point of DESTROYING MY LIVING FOR THEM would reveal itself to be the insanity that it is. And that started to trump the appeal of the ambitions themselves.

 

I have had to be at rock bottom though. And it's not even over, with that. Because I have ongoing lessons with this. I've done it out of necessity, but I don't believe that has compromised my values, it has only refined them.

 

So you get to a point, if you're interested in making the beatings stop, where you weigh out what is ultimately going to bring you a better outcome. The choice becomes clear. It becomes a question of which sounds better: a lifetime of beatings over an illusion of self-signifance which is a phantom known as the ego, or an ability to be free of that defining me and my existence, and therefore, all the thoughts burning me alive? I think especially when you consider that this ego, this "self" that we're trying to build up here can never exist, when you realize all this hoopla and self-flagellation is over a fricken ILLUSION/MERE CONCEPT??? That's when it ceases to seem worth the agony. I don't think you've seen it as an illusion -- it's still very real to you, and that's very compelling, so that's the missing piece and why this doesn't ring your bell.

 

I just got to that point. I don't equate that with somehow settling for mediocrity. But for a long time, like you, I absolutely refused to differentiate (and I still fall into the trap sometimes, with the self-judgment). Like I said, "settling for mediocrity" becomes meaningless when you're not speaking that language anymore, that one of grasping. That language was part of the hook, for me. I felt that if I gave up my notions, my precious notions about "me", and "mine", and the whole narrative, I would dissolve into a non-entity. Fact is, you can't dissolve what is constantly in flux to begin with. Our identities and all the stories composing them are waves in an ocean, passing through. Came a time I was more interested in being okay with that than all the rest, because everything else is impermanent, and therefore, not bankable.

 

Not hanging your hat on any one peg is not just a good rule for Wall Street. It's a good rule for the way you live your life. That same principle has to be applied to everything, absolutely everything, for the suffering to stop. I don't think being prepared to divest yourself of your most prized stock if need be is a bad policy. Do you? (Ah, maybe my mistake is I should be putting more of this into financial terms, heh.)

 

"Mediocrity" is a state of mind. If you don't want to settle for something, when it is in your power to achieve more, you will never be mediocre. Regardless of your outer circumstances.

 

If you are merely a slave to the image of who you are and what you want, even when a particular circumstance is not conducive, that's not to do with excellence. That's to do with attachment, and you will only suffer from that attachment. It won't make you better or somehow separate you from the mediocre, per my definition of mediocre.

 

It's ironic that striving is what this is all about to you. And yet where it is most important, you are complacent. You're complacent about your own MIND, when that is your most potent resource. It's a shame you don't wish to challenge it, because I think it would be as liberating as radical for you. And the effects of that would be quite surprising. It's the place where all the change has to emanate from, the rest is all shape-shifting.

 

Like you said before, you're still too into the beatings. You still think they serve you somehow. You still think that they at least uphold a standard. That's self-punishment parading as ethics and effort.

 

None of what I've said here is complicated. It's just very, very, very hard to do, and to work on. It definitely starts with wanting to though -- to want to get off the merry-go-round, of being nauseous on it and knowing it compromises you more than any other thing that could befall you.

 

Most of all, for me it was about seeing that all this was true. Once I saw the truth in the observation that I am my own mind's creation, and nothing more, it didn't make any sense to keep that installed, and I couldn't, in good faith, pretend I hadn't seen that.

 

Cool song, but I preferred the other one...that Wonderwall song. I played that a bunch and then it got stuck in my head, but I actually didn't get tired of it, as that usually happens when my head turns into a broken record.

[tiredofvampires]

And...you know, I think I'd like to add something. While I'm thinking about it. This is a reflection I had today, as a result of some things I'm dealing with, and since it related a lot to this, I thought it might be worthwhile to share it here. It's not new, but it crystallizes some things I said in the last post.

 

Attachment, as I pointed out, is the root cause of suffering. So by that token, being non-attached alleviates or ends suffering.

 

The sneaky thing about attachment is that even if we have something we want, the thought of losing it (which may be only on a subliminal level) is ever-present, so that creates fear. And so we are really pushing away things we don't want, as the flip side to having things we do want, and enjoying them. We are always either in a condition of craving something we don't have but want (so, afraid of being without it), trying to maintain something we crave and have (so, afraid of losing it), or pushing away something we actively don't want (so, full-force fear, which is aversion).

 

So what is the common denominator here? It's fear. FEAR. I would say if you had to boil down suffering, in all its many hues, down to a single word that might cover it all, it would be fear. It's the core. It seems to be the basic building block of every other painful and destructive emotion -- pride, greed, anger, hatred, grief, etc.

 

And my point with this is that I'm really not focused so much on detaching myself, or being non-attached to things in life, as my above post may have implied. That would be a definite by-product of this kind of "work." But I should emphasize, as it became very clear to me today, that the focus is really about becoming fearless. FEARLESS.

 

And I don't mean the kind of fearless that comes with "devil-may-care" lack of respect for yourself/oneself that attends hopelessness. Like the kind of fearlessness of a suicide bomber. Not that kind of "nothing to lose" spirit. That is a numbed-out, hardened shell which if you cracked open would be oozing with fear and the other emotions it's spawned. I'm not talking about being a badass of any stripe.

 

I mean a "soft" fearlessness that is open to all possibilities and can entertain them without letting that cloud -- with all sorts of projections -- the appreciation and the acceptance of this moment (which is complete). Is this something of an ideal, yes. So I don't expect to fully attain this in an "enlightened," continuous way. I really don't think anyone is designed for that, maybe with the exception of a few saints who have touched down here (and even they were human and fallible, so that's a maybe.) I even love the adage, "feel the fear and do it anyway".

 

But it's something to work from, and towards.

 

I know this sort of thing isn't for everyone. Some people just think it's depressing, morose, and irrelevant (even though I see the "rules" applying to them all the time, too.) I've noticed that people who have not had a whole lot of layers stripped away are the least interested. The more layers you've had stripped away, the more it starts to become of interest. But even then, aversion and craving can be so strong, doing without them is unappealing. And that can be a "stage of life thing." I'm definitely not where I was 20 years ago with this, even though I was already interested in this perspective.

 

So even if it's not an interesting approach to life now for you, maybe some day, at some point, it will become moreso. It's just something to think about.

 

I can definitely say that there is no vocabulary that includes "mediocrity" in this kind of effort. Learning to live without fear, to be able to tolerate radical uncertainty, in the true sense, not the hardened sense, is bar none the hardest work I've ever EVER done, and I have taken on some mammoth things -- it's the most daunting task, the most ambitious "project" I've ever tried. Harder than any job I've held, any given relationship, any class, any work I've completed. I don't do it because it sounds cool, or because it's making the best I can out of crap, or because I want to feel I have some special thing going on. I do it because I can see the rewards of what a life without fear could look like and be. Unfortunate things have led me to it, but the insights are progressive for a life, and mine in particular. There aren't any shortcuts, either, so how else would it have occurred to me.

 

Though, learning how to live fearlessly IS a special thing to value -- often given lip service in common parlance, but uncommonly achieved.

 

I think the climb is all that much steeper for those who have been given (and adopted) the message somewhere along the line that they can't fail. For those who have not grown up thinking that way, it's less arduous (and some of these are ironically the least "mediocre" individuals I know, so there's no predictable correlation between excellence and fear of failure). That's why for people like me (and I think, people like you) in my opinion, the goal of living with fearless presence is all the more vital and relevant to peace, and therefore, maybe even happiness.

[ProtestTheHero]

I understand what you're saying but I can't be that way. I do fear failure and that fear is the greatest motivator in the world. Fear is what makes me want to be better. I do not respect any of my accomplishments or myself right now. I am very afraid that this will never change, and this terrible fear inspires me to do anything and everything I can to keep that from happening.

 

Fear is the only thing I feel right now. I don't have friends here. I don't have any positive vibes or reasons or things to run to...I just have things to run from -- and that's a big difference. Without fear...well, why run at all? Certainly not for me. I don't care enough about me.

 

I am doing what I am doing because there is no other way for me. Other people find different ways but that is not within me. I am striving, striving, striving and if I fail they can put me down Old Yeller style.

[tiredofvampires]

Yeah, well...like I said, it's pretty hard to think outside the paradigm you're in when the motivation to stay in it is stronger than the motivation to get out of it, even if someone could show you a future "you" where you'd look back on this one and think it inferior, having made the shift. And, there are no diviners here. And really, it's hard. It's hard for any time, age, stage. But when you're in your early-mid twenties, it's still all ahead of you. And you really do have your whole life in front of you that you want to see manifest in a certain way. There are things you see yourself doing, being, and there is so much wanting -- just like when you were a child, only it feels more imminent and up to you to make it all happen. When we were kids, we just magically saw ourselves there, assuming the pieces would fall into place, the blanks would be filled in. Now, the magical thinking is gone...but so is the magic.

 

So striving. I know about striving. It's part of being where you are in life very naturally, so it's harder to want to have this perspective I'm talking about when you're in the thick of trying to manifest an identity, and everything and everyone around you is doing the same. And for that matter, it seems the only way to accomplish anything.

 

But whether you're 23...or 43...or 93...I think the same things hold true. None of what I've said changes with age or stage of life, good fortune or misfortune. Success or failure. Praise or blame. All the ways we suffer follow a particular set of mistaken notions of apparent reality and our place within it, starting with wanting to create a fixed identity for ourselves. Identity being dependent on forces that are constantly changing, both from within and from without, it itself is subject to constant change and therefore it's like trying to build a castle out of clouds.

 

That being true doesn't fix any immediate practical issue, of course -- but it's not meant to. It's meant to provide you with a cleaner burning fuel for the efforts you make to improve your situation.

 

I don't have any positive vibes or reasons or things to run to...I just have things to run from -- and that's a big difference. Without fear...well, why run at all?

 

Well, you're running FROM things, and failure...but one could say, you're also trying to run TO success. I agree that with you, the emphasis of what's propelling you is more the negative fixation, not the positive. But these are still flip sides. I don't think it's just that you're running from something you fear -- it's that you've got a very clear vision of what that looks like, and you don't have as clear a vision of what success looks like for you. It's a problem of stunted imagining mixed with toxic self-doubt. I think you believe you can "do" failure, but you don't believe you can "do" success. So you're running TOWARDS something, but it's a lot less well-defined and more amorphous than the shape of what's chasing you.

 

If you could grasp the feeling and the vision of success, and what it would look like, how it would play out, as strongly as you feel the vision of failure, you would have a positive reason to run, not a negative one.

 

Not that I think a person should be "running" at all. Why to and fro? A river isn't escaping from something, fleeing towards something else. It's MOVING. And I've used the river analogy before, because I think water and its fluidity is one of the best metaphors for how living should operate. But I think that you can MOVE toward a vision, not run, and that would be more sound. It's not just a word -- it's a quality of striving. When you're moving towards it, you're choosing a direction, but you're not desperately in pursuit as when you're running.

 

I do not respect any of my accomplishments or myself right now. I am very afraid that this will never change,

 

Sometimes, honestly, I worry about that too, with you -- but not in the same way you're saying that, I think. The reason I worry about that is because I am not sure at what arbitrary point you will decide you've hit some benchmark where the respect/satisfaction switches into the "on" position. And it IS ARBITRARY.

 

Isn't it? (Only semi-rhetorical -- feel free to correct me.) Because if the locus was outside you, in the external world for that to occur, objectively, you've had enough reason to respect your accomplishments. You've had many worthy ones. But they haven't changed the internal landscape or dialogue. So clearly, the "on" switch is not going to get flipped by something out there, is it? It's going to have to be something that arises internally -- and that is why it's arbitrary. Whether it's "right now" or "later", whatever is happening with your accomplishments, you're going to have to locate that switch on the basis of things outside the realm of the milestones of achievement that so far have proven to be irrelevant to it.

 

I don't care enough about me.

 

What would you be doing differently if you did?

 

 

 

 

I know you're going to say, "I can't say, because I don't feel that way."

 

Use your imagination, then. Make something up that could be plausible.

[Silverbirch]

Hey, I just want to say that I think a lot of what you feel, many of us do. The way you described compartmentalising your relationships, a lot of people do - and they way you think about your relationships with women - well, I would say that is how most of the men I have been with are. You are just more honest about it - at least here.

 

Obviously you know you are a talented writer, and I would guess that writing is a big part of who you are. I think you would need to carefully consider a career in journalism. The most frustrating aspect of journalism for someone like you would likely be the amount of censorship in mainstream media. There is so much worth writing (and reading) about that won't ever be published in mainstream media. Writing something really worthwhile though is about much more than being good with words - it's about being impassioned about a particular subject/issue and I think that might be what you are struggling with at this present time. I wonder if your life to date has been very sheltered in at least some ways.

 

I am in the planning processes of writing - again. You are 50 times a better writer than I am or likely ever will be. However, a number of years ago, I was published (and translated) internationally because of a particular issue which nobody else wanted to write about. I asked other writers if they would consider writing about it. One of them said something like: "For Christ's sake, I'm busy with so many things. YOU do it." I got so busy with keeping a roof over my head and just life that I didn't put the time into research and writing, let alone publishing since then, but I've now started again.

 

Despite the constraints of mainstream journalism, due mostly to the internet, independent journalism has greater possibilities for readership and influence than it ever has at any time. Writing is about hard work (research) and being brave and impassioned about the subject matter.

 

I hope you find your passion - but it likely won't be through living a completely solitary life.

[LikeWater]

It's just getting so hard for me. My life tastes like bile. I try to occupy myself with work but I can't escape how empty the rest of it is. I just want to play a different game. I want a different poker hand. I just don't want to be PTH anymore. Someone else take over.

 

Just sticking my head in here to say that I couldn't possibly relate to those words any more than I do. You've said exactly how I feel in a way that I never could.

 

You have a lot of potential, PTH. You write so very well. I think you'll find something that gives you that sense of accomplishment that you're so desperately seeking. You have all the time in the world. Be patient. So much easier said than done, I'm aware. Like I said, I feel the same way you do in a lot of aspects.

 

Have you thought about maybe trying to move somewhere else and have a fresh start in an environment that's more suitable to you? Somewhere where you can meet girls outside of church, lol. Perhaps try saving up some money for a few years and then just move to an area that fits your mindset and lifestyle more. Might help a lot.

 

I'm sure you've already ran this through your head, but I do think it would probably be what's best for you.

 

Anyway, good luck, friend. I hope we both find what we're looking for.

[ProtestTheHero]

Stained clothes, rough face

I awake in a haze

Long nights, tough days

 

Burned hands, black eye

Struggling to get by

Your hits, my highs

 

Your cash, my waste

Nowhere is my place

Menthols, foul taste

 

She says I’m a name in a page and everything could change

Then she walks past the paper that lines my cage

But my stomach’s churning and everything’s all yearning

So today I want your mouth, girl

 

Lips swell, crass word

Vision is a bit blurred

My cries, unheard

 

Nights spent alone

On my black and white throne

Disrobe, disown

 

She says I’m a name in a page and everything is bursting

Tightening, shortening, and my whole life is yearning,

So sister please, sister please, sister please

Accommodate the king of urine and feces

Today I want your mouth girl

[itsallgrand]

Thank you, PTH. Thank you for writing that and posting that.

 

His name is Peter. It hit a soft spot in my heart to read this. That you would do that.

[ProtestTheHero]

Thank you, PTH. Thank you for writing that and posting that.

 

His name is Peter. It hit a soft spot in my heart to read this. That you would do that.

 

I've been reading your journal for a while. I had to catch up a little bit because I've been working 75 hour weeks and your post just hit me for some reason -- maybe it was the concept of acknowledgment. It was nice to see that someone acknowledged him as a human being instead of choosing to look past this "thing" that amounts to nothing more than an inconvenient stain. Writing it just felt like a way that I could acknowledge him too.

[itsallgrand]

Yes, you did do a good job of it too. 75 hr weeks - what kind of work do you do right now? Sheesh, that is like my hours, worse! May very well be part of why you have been writing some of the things you have been writing lately. well only a stab in the dark there. i know some weeks it sure wears me down.

[ProtestTheHero]

I don't really do drugs. I've avoided them and never felt the typical curiosity/need to satiate that curiosity the way some of my friends/peers did. Ironically, I've gotten so drunk to the point where I could barely stand so many times that I've basically lost count of them all. Even though little remains of my Christian upbringing I guess there are some stigmas that I haven't managed to shake. It never bothered me to be in the presence of someone smoking a bowl or a joint, but I refused to be around anyone experimenting with more than that. I don't know many people who've turned into fiends for weed.

 

With all that said, I smoked for the third time in my life last night. I still don't "get" it. I guess it's a functional high but it just seems like a waste of money. Alcohol takes you a lot further then that, but alcohol is also something you can't abuse on a daily basis. I guess I just prefer to have a nice Friday or Saturday night where I "throw down" with some tequila or something and I call it a week.

 

I was hanging out with a friend and his girlfriend. They aren't people that I'm accustomed to spending a lot of time with but they have good intentions. They aren't pill heads or drug addicts, just people who work hard for very little money trying to escape in the small way that they can.

 

The girlfriend, who I will call H, had a friend over to visit. I'll call her B. There's no reason for me to be subtle here so I won't be -- B was beautiful. It's an overused word but in this circumstance she deserved the label. She had a thick country accent, the type you associate with hospitality and good cooking. It felt like she owned the room but she was so unassuming that it felt surreal...like some expert marksman who knew the only way to make a room comfortable was for them to point their gun in their own direction.

 

I introduced myself and had to fight a smile because you could tell she comes from a family that hammered manners. I don't think I've ever met anyone who could so authentically pretend to be that excited to meet someone. My friend, who I will call A, asked her if she wanted to smoke and she said yes without thinking twice. It didn't bother me obviously -- I don't believe in holding people to standards I don't meet, but it was a strange feeling. I guess it's how da Vinci would have felt if Mona Lisa decided to light up right before he began painting her.

 

A has a lot of respect for me and he knows that I come from bigger cities and bigger environments. He's aware that I've had a hard time acclimating to things here so he was giving me these looks like "Press your luck and find out." I've never been the type of guy who sees a beautiful woman and imagines what she'd be like naked, what she would do to me, what she'd let me do to her, or anything like that. I grew up as an unassuming person for different reasons...I didn't think people really cared what I thought or what I had to say. I was used to being ignored by girls so I guess I never learned how to properly objectify them. All I see is Mona Lisa, a painting, and I acknowledge the beauty in my mind, I appreciate it, and I move on.

 

I've been thirsting for new experiences and for new people so I was perfectly willing to strike up a conversation. Apparently, she had just come back from a date that went well until the final moments. The guy picked up a friend that then proceeded to do crack-cocaine in her car. She was aware that this is typically not what a woman means when she says the end of a date went poorly so she provided me with context. B recently graduated from a rehabilitation program that lasted 6 months. It was a live-in facility where you weren't allowed to leave during the duration of the program. She was living in my city now because she knew she couldn't go back home -- she'd meet old friends who'd try to reintroduce her to old habits and she had no desire to regress and relive that life.

 

The guy she went on the date with was someone she met who was also at this rehab facility. They hit it off pretty well but evidently he is not as committed to staying away from negative influences as she is. She told me he texted her after the date and said "You probably don't want a second date now, huh?" I fight the urge to supply her with the correct answer and instead listen as she asks me to read what she wants to send in response. She wasn't as bothered by the ordeal as I wanted her to be and she just sent a nice text back saying that she hoped they could meet up again without that kind of interruption.

 

All I wanted to do was shake her. I wanted to scream at her. "Can't you see how beautiful you are? Don't you realize that there are so MANY guys out there that would do their best to be the type of guy that you deserve?" I don't. I listen to her talk about how long she should wait before texting him again, seeing him again, was the smiley face suggestive or do you think he's smart enough to realize I'm just being playful?

 

It hurts me to see her sitting there struggling with what this moron may or may not feel about her. She's so nice, so desperate to make sure this guy sees her as a respectable lady and I want to tell her she's all those things to me, but I'm sitting there high. I wonder how many times guys have approached her and pretended to care, pretended to be there. I wonder how many times she put all of her messages in little bottles waiting for someone to answer before broken dreams turned into broken pipes and nights with curfews. I want to tell her to give me a chance to be the guy that she deserves, but she's heard all of these lines before. I'm just another guy pretending to care, trying to "fix" her so that she can "fix" me, my agenda as evident as an erection.

 

So I go home.

[ProtestTheHero]

Yes, you did do a good job of it too. 75 hr weeks - what kind of work do you do right now? Sheesh, that is like my hours, worse! May very well be part of why you have been writing some of the things you have been writing lately. well only a stab in the dark there. i know some weeks it sure wears me down.

 

I work in an accounting and investment office. April 15 was the deadline for filing so the past few months have been pretty crazy in terms of the sheer volume of work I had to put out.

 

I have a variety of responsibilities. I meet with clients, provide the little information/help I can when people ask for tax advice, do corporate/personal returns, help establish nonprofits, and respond to IRS notices. It's stressful at times but I have enjoyed it so far.

 

The thing that's been difficult for me is relocating. I guess I'm not really the type of person that people are looking to hang out with in West Virginia.

[ProtestTheHero]

It's lunch break at work and I'm trying to work my way through some soup. I'm hungover as hell. I stopped drinking on weekdays for a while but I don't see the point in denying myself the ability to escape. I've been a good little robot doing everything everyone has asked of me for so long but now Skynet has become self aware. I got all the gold stars and ribbons and everyone knows I'm a hard worker. I've been rewarded financially and at age 23 I live alone, I've banked five figures and I don't live anything close to paycheck to paycheck. The end. That's what I was promised and that's what I've been given.

 

And yet I can barely make it through my day. Maybe I'm choking on success. In all honesty I'm just lonely. It's not cool for a guy to say that. It doesn't help maintain an image I've tried to perfect if I admit to anyone that I need people but I do. I need something more than this. I was proud to walk away from my parents' shattered marriage unscathed. I was proud to let go of a close relationship with a brother who entered the military and has no desire to take leave. He doesn't want to deal with mom and dad's screwed up situations and I can't blame him. I'm collateral damage. Laugh as the city burns. That's my mantra. You have to laugh as you lose everything.

 

I feel like everything is dulled, sandpapered...the edges are rounded off. I go to bars and sometimes I strike up conversations with girls, sometimes they strike up conversations with me and I'm just bored. Birthday girl wants to dance with Tyler after a round yeaaaaaa I'm drunk, we're drunk, you're nice man, hold me, you're so nice, please dance and I don't care.

 

I'm a prop for a couple of hours, you wake up and only remember that your friend held your hair when you puked. And there was some guy.

 

30 year old wants to talk to Tyler, yeah, dance with me, you're 23?...I got married at 23, he was a douche, girls night, it's our girls night, she said to talk to you, you have sad eyes, Tyler you said? You have sad eyes Tyler, dance, why, it's girls night, you're no fun Tyler.

 

I'm no fun because it's boring. My Dad's girlfriend had to ask him if I was gay. She didn't understand. "Tyler is a nice looking young man with a good job, he lives alone, he's funny, I don't get it Jeff. What's up with him?"

 

I don't care about being someone's one night stand. I'm not looking to have sex with anyone. Sex is not the end game for me anymore. I did that in college and even then I wasn't pursuing it, it just happened. But that's Tampa, FL. This is West Virginia. I don't care about being the pinata for your 21st birthday or your post-marriage rebound. I don't care that you go down, get down, "can teach me things," "can show me things," whatever. I don't care.

 

I want interesting. Interesting. I want you to challenge me. I want you to think with me. I want you to love something with me. Then be with me. That stuff comes, it's the natural progression.

 

It's just not happening. We're living in our hedonistic bubbles. You're here because you want validation and I'm drinking because that's all you want.

[tiredofvampires]

What you want is findable.

 

But you won't find it in a pinata store.

[ProtestTheHero]

I have pigeonholed myself. I can be financially set and socially void or socially fulfilled and financially screwed. I have the freedom to pick my poison and I made my choice. I'm just coping. Either way I lose.

[tiredofvampires]

If you believe that there is only one way/route/place to be socially fulfilled, and only one way/route/place to be financially set, then yes, I agree with you. Maybe it's pigeoholing, maybe that's a type of crucifixion.

 

Your model presumes a singular path to each.

 

And with that model and that PRESUMPTION, yes, you have only two choices in life, two one-lane paths (going in opposite directions), with no cross streets, no detours, no freeways. True, that's a pick-your-poison predicament.

 

The problem is not the Sophie's choice. It's the lack of questioning or challenging that presumption about life, and yours in particular.

[ProtestTheHero]

Anywhere else would force me to hit a HUGE pause button on my $ and career path. That's even worse. The only thing worse than being alone is being broke.