The Black Rainbow

[Catherine_3]

Do you mean to say that I am ill-fitted for it?

 

Yes, that's exactly what I'm saying. Eventually you'll figure that out, after you've wasted a chunk of your life on it, and then you'll either really screw up something or you'll snap and leave the career, perhaps to go become an alcoholic that sits alone in a dark living room all day feeling sorry for himself because he never was the type to fit into "society". Which will all be a big excuse, because accountants don't represent "society", they represent a distinct group of very peculiar individuals whose brains are wired in such a way that they enjoy balancing spreadsheets.

 

What are you afraid of? Are you afraid to be happy because you think it's cooler to be miserable? Are you afraid to do something you love because then you would lose your best friend - angst?

[Catherine_3]

I'm not trying to pick on you. The thing is, you're smart and you see the world differently than others. People like you owe it to the world to figure out what you were meant to do, and do it.

 

Unfortunately, people like us who see the world differently are pretty beat up by the time we become adults. It's hard being different. It's hard being smart enough to see the stupidity all around us. It's a burden we carry. Take that burden and let it give you strength. Take back control of it. Turn it to your favor. Let it inspire you to greatness.

 

Life is your videogame. Don't waste it on accounting.

[ProtestTheHero]

I don't do a lot of spreadsheet analysis or bookkeeping. A lot of what I do right now consists of helping people start companies, corporate and personal tax returns, mild consulting (mostly centered around the impacts of Obamacare), etc. We do have people that only do bookkeeping and spreadsheets but they aren't CPA's, which is what I aspire to be in a few years.

 

I see what my boss does and it's mostly diagnosing problems and coming up with solutions...nothing as dry as perpetual data entry that is often outsourced to other people. I know that I can do that at a high level.

 

The only other thing I'm good at is writing. Journalism is in a gross state for people trying to get into that line of work, though. I don't envy the people I know who majored in it.

 

I don't think it's cool to feel any certain way. A feeling is a feeling and I don't rank them.

 

As for drinking alone in dark rooms, I think I crossed that bridge a little while ago. I don't ask for anyone to feel sorry for me and I don't particularly care if they do so or look at me with disdain, sensing that I have wasted many things.

 

I will march on like a robot to wealth, but life is boring. That's all I really want to express. Life is boring and tedious. Obligation, obligation, obligation, bill that I pay, bill that I pay, bill that I pay, rinse, repeat. Someone should have told me how much it sucks to be an adult. I wouldn't have bothered with it.

[itsallgrand]

I will march on like a robot to wealth

 

Wow, PTH.

 

 

 

Why not let the mask fall???? I don't get that. Are you afraid to be without the status and money, PTH??

 

I guess I don't get that. It seems you are simply buying into the myth that having the outside stuff can make up for a lack of feeding your soul.

 

What are you doing to feed your soul??

 

You don't even have to answer me. These are only my musings on what you wrote, my reactions. Well of course he is miserable; he is so concerned with keeping up appearances and following what has been laid out for him. But...why? What is the motivation there?

 

Watching to see what happens with you anyways. Someone like you who is so smart...could contribute some serious good to this world...or some serious deficit. It's interesting watching your thought process.

[tiredofvampires]

I have a very, very basic question. Painfully basic.

 

You are on a pretty certain course to achieving the financial stability and wealth you have made into your major life goal. And I gather it's your goal because you believe lots of money will make possible things you can't enjoy with less money.

 

Your goal is entirely reachable, and it's just a matter of going through the steps to finalize that. You'll have what you've been wanting after that. Money, and lots of it, enough to be so comfortable, it will exceed your actual lifestyle needs, as you're not someone who covets great luxuries or lives expensively.

 

So why does the achievement of this goal not motivate you, inspire you, or make you at all excited? If money is what you want, and you can see getting what you want, what about that is failing you so extremely? Why are you not more happy at that thought?

 

And why would you sabotage that drinking the way you do, when it's what you want to reach?

[greywolf]

PTH, I don't necessarily agree that you need to love your job to be happy. I think loving your job is a relatively new concept. This is a nice article on it:

 

link removed

[ProtestTheHero]

I'm not so much afraid to be without status and money. Status is an issue of perception, and most people that make decisions with it in mind are not my friends because we value different things. I can live without a bunch of money because my desires and tastes are not particularly expensive.

 

I say that I will pursue wealth because I don't think I'm capable of realizing any other goals that would have my soul (so to speak) in mind. The motivation is fear -- the fear that the rest of me, outside of my earning potential, is not enough. For what? For anything. It's why I set quantitative rather than qualitative goals. This sort of fear is not something I can put on display. People by and large don't respond well to those sorts of vulnerabilities. You just have to internally acknowledge the weakness that is there and shame yourself...scold yourself for it, and then you move on with your life. You hit the play button to continue on with the regularly scheduled program.

 

Money isn't all I want. It just feels like money is all that I can have. That's what I was trying to say when I wrote that post.

 

Grey, I liked the article. I had the feeling of deja vu as if I might have read it before, maybe a reddit post or something, but it does summarize the way my dad feels. My dad is more old school. He didn't say to just chase whatever job you think you'll love. I was told that a job is the means through which you are able to finance what you do enjoy. That's what was beat into my head.

[ProtestTheHero]

Things have been changing up for me a little. I've rarely been drinking because my time has been divided between school and a girl I've been seeing. Tonight was date #3 and again everything went well.

 

I didn't go for a kiss on the first date, possibly scared the hell out of her by going for one on her no-lights porch step after the second, but this one was good. She put some oomph into it so at least I know I'm good there.

 

I'm kind of in a weird spot, though. Date #3...obviously too soon to be at a point where we have labels and the associated exclusivity, but at the same time all the signals are there that this thing has the potential to end up that way.

 

So...what the hell am I supposed to do this soon into something when Valentines Day is imminent? lol. If I give the day its due diligence it's kind of weird because we're still vetting each other out. I mean yeah, everything has gone well, but it feels too soon to be doing something like that. However, if I do nothing I run the risk of looking like a real asshat.

 

I've never been in this spot before...fledgling romance near a holiday is some complex stuff bros.

[tiredofvampires]

OOMPH, EH? Ooh la lah, ha! That's awesome, PTH.

 

I think this is one of those situations where you can't screw it up unless you do something extreme on either end of the spectrum (so neither doing nothing nor going all out in terms of what you might do in an established relationship [before it's turned sour, LOL] are options). And that means you have a lot of play in between those endpoints to choose any variety of things and have it be just fine. Something classy with the quality of moderation would be the way to go. Something more along the lines of sweet and a bit understated.

 

What have you done on the 3 dates? I ask because that would give an idea of how you might reasonably do something proportionally "escalated" but without it being unnaturally exaggerated just because it's Valentines.

 

Or, Valentines might just seal the deal whatever you do, lol. There, I'm laying my bet on that. If not in so many words, a "point of no return" way.

[ProtestTheHero]

It's a strange term -- uncertainty avoidance. It's supposed to be a cultural thing. As an American I'm supposed to be "low" in this category...that is "my" culture. The truth of the matter is that I hate uncertainty. I brace myself for success or failure -- I don't like to float around with outcomes that are unknown. Possibility is not something that intrigues me because it's hard for me to make room for anything good ever happening. I march out the parade of worst case scenarios and I mourn them internally and individually, that way when something bad happens I've already felt everything I'm supposed to feel. It's kind of like tensing your muscles for a long time in preparation for a shot. They're locked and aching for so long that once the needle comes you're almost relieved -- the tensing can stop, at least for a little while.

 

Well, I am bathing in uncertainty, which makes me want to bathe in booze. I haven't had a big drinking day for a long time...it's probably been almost a month.

 

This situation is so strange. I don't mind saying that I like this girl. I enjoy being around her, and I almost hate that I do. If I didn't this would be so much easier.

 

I dodged the whole Valentine's Day bullet for unfortunate reasons...she had strep. It sucked that she felt poorly but it did keep us from having to dance around where we're at in the "relationship" on a day like that, where every answer seems to be the wrong one. I told her I didn't want to drag her anywhere until she felt up to it and she said she'd let me know. She isn't really a big texting person, she doesn't like FB, so I'm just kind of swinging out in the wind here.

 

If I was analyzing this situation from the perspective of an outsider I'd tell myself I have nothing to worry about. I know that I was really the only person she was interested in for the past few months, even prior to me asking her out. I know a girl that's relatively shy wouldn't have kept seeing me after I initiated the kiss if she wasn't into me. I KNOW all these things, but these elongated periods of total silence are just weird for me. I've never experienced anything like that with any girl I've ever dated, and I know that she probably isn't even thinking about that. She probably isn't even too cognizant of how odd it is to be off the grid like that if that's what you're used to doing.

 

I feel 12. I'm not the type of person that needs a lot of validation but damn...it gives me this strange sensation, it makes me feel like every time I'm setting up a subsequent date that I'm asking her for the first time. I'm operating on this weird limb where I don't know how to or where I stand. It's still really early and I understand that...it's not like I've been incredibly direct with my statements, but my position is pretty obvious as an initiator. If I didn't like you I wouldn't be trying to facilitate ways of spending more time with you. I wouldn't put myself on the line if I didn't think you were worth it.

 

I'm telling myself that I'm not going to get that call or text that she's feeling better now. I'm convincing myself that this honest, caring person used this sickness as a false pretense to avoid spending time with me and that this is the first in a series of stories detailing how and why she's unavailable on "x" or "y" date until I "get it." Until it sinks in for me.

 

Do I have any proof of this or any reason to interpret things in this way? No. And I wouldn't...except that I like her. So I'm tensing. The muscle is contracted and I let myself believe that it's over.

 

I won't even feel the needle.

[ProtestTheHero]

Well, I did my part. I always give you the benefit of the doubt if you're busy the first time. I'll ask again. If you're not available the second time and make no effort to provide an alternative then I just assume we're done.

 

It actually doesn't bother me, and not even because I was "prepared" for it. Most first dates are last dates. Three dates isn't a whole lot different...it's still an exploratory stage. I take no offense when someone decides they're not interested after scratching the surface for a little while.

 

She could genuinely be busy...who knows. I just won't be initiating anything else. She won't get another text or call from me. You've got to meet me half way to keep my interest, even if things went well each date. The ball is no longer in my court.

 

Time to turn my attention to someone else. There's a girl in my accounting class that has been in one of my classes for two semesters straight. My humor is not for the fainthearted, and it's one of the reasons that growing up around wealth was annoying. Some of the family friends in my dad's circle were so stifling to be around because they were so hung up on perception. That's why I really enjoy a woman that can appreciate dark humor and vulgarity. This girl in my class does. She's also pretty interesting conversationally.

 

I'll have to decide whether the risk is a good idea. I'm pretty good at diffusing weird situations but I don't want her to feel like she's in for an awkward semester if she isn't interested. I'm not irked by "no's" as much as other guys are and she probably knows that based on my personality.

 

We'll see.

[tiredofvampires]

So what exactly happened with her? She had strep...and now she's fully over it? And you then proposed a date, she declined, and....?

 

Btw, I personally don't start counting when someone is sick, and then I give them a little buffer after for them getting back into their groove for lost time. Though not giving you the sense that she's eager to offer an alternative is more sobering, even if she still likes you (and I'm guessing she might). It shouldn't be like pulling teeth, but I don't count rejected advances over legit obstacles, if they might be inconveniently close together. I go more by vibe when I'm with them and when they do talk to me.

 

Not saying she's for you, but just saying...

[ProtestTheHero]

So what exactly happened with her? She had strep...and now she's fully over it? And you then proposed a date, she declined, and....?

 

Btw, I personally don't start counting when someone is sick, and then I give them a little buffer after for them getting back into their groove for lost time. Though not giving you the sense that she's eager to offer an alternative is more sobering, even if she still likes you (and I'm guessing she might). It shouldn't be like pulling teeth, but I don't count rejected advances over legit obstacles, if they might be inconveniently close together. I go more by vibe when I'm with them and when they do talk to me.

 

Not saying she's for you, but just saying...

 

She was sick the first time and I told her that I didn't want her to try to be a trooper if she wasn't feeling well. I told her to let me know when she was feeling better. We exchanged a few texts every couple of days, and then Thursday I asked her if she was busy this weekend. Keep in mind that 10 days have elapsed from her informing me that she wasn't feeling well. This sickness is what nixed plans for Fri-Sat of Valentines weekend. Then she said she was busy all of this weekend and I just told her that's fine and she replied with "I'm sorry." I told her there was no need to apologize.

 

She could genuinely be busy and feel bad about leaving me hanging or she's using this as a front to try to subtly end things. I really don't know. I do know that she lacks the experience to understand what this communicates to a dude 99% of the time. Most guys who've been around the block enough know that this is a weird/passive way of saying let's not ever see each other again, lol. Does she know that? No idea.

 

The alternative is more annoying to me. If you're actually interested in me then you have to meet me half way. You have to offer me a different date or time. I'm completely fine initiating everything but this can't be a 90/10 or 80/20 split here. I'm no more invested in this than she claims to be but I'm the one putting in the effort to facilitate things. I just won't do that anymore.

 

If she's genuinely interested in me then she's got to step up to the plate. If she doesn't want to then that's fine because we're not compatible, and I don't get angry when I can't fit a square through a circle-shaped hole. If she is interested in me but WON'T step up then I can envision the type of relationship we'd have and I don't want that. It's boring to me. It suggests a passive participant who laughs with me but doesn't make me laugh. It's a woman who finds my stories interesting but has nothing to say herself. I don't need a gifted orator, but I do want a partner -- not an audience. If I'm going to perform then I at least want to be paid minimum wage for my efforts.

 

The in-person communication has all been positive. Everything feels like a green light in those moments, but then she goes completely off the grid. Instead of the casual followups and back-and-forth I'd expect every so often (every 2 days or so) it's just silence. When I then try to set something up I feel like I'm working...like my job is to book talent for a show or something. I'm not willing to do that in my personal life when the interaction is between two equals. If I lacked confidence then maybe it wouldn't bother me, but I know what I bring to the table, and I deserve more respect than this. I don't ask just any random person out. I don't go out of my way to facilitate this stuff for every girl that I think is cute. My time is just as valuable.

 

I won't project or speculate about her motives. I'll give her the benefit of the doubt...but if she wants to see me again then she's going to have to do something that let's me know or else I'm done with it.

[ProtestTheHero]

It's a tough day for me. I'll drink a lot today and I hope it hurts some. I'm all about killing brain cells and livers.

[ProtestTheHero]

110 oz of beer and I almost texted her. I guess I should be glad I didn't. That would look pretty sad.

[Silverbirch]

Youarea good-looking intelligent guy with a lot going for you, and I think you need to remind yourself that you have only been on 3 dates with her. I've come to believe that for myself at least, when I have gotten down over this sort of thing, it is because I have had childhood fears or maybe even normal human fears triggered and need to work on what for me will be a lifelong task of maintaining and developing my sense of self and bringing myself back into the present as far as fears go. it is a mistake for you that you are not looking around at more than one girl. Drinking heavily is not going g to help you feel better either.

[Silverbirch]

Oh sorry, I just saw you mention the girl in your accounting class. I think you should ask her out,

[tiredofvampires]

Going out on just a little limb here, to take the liberty of posting a video featuring one of my favorite peeps, Brene Brown. She's got quite a number of videos, and more than one TEDTalk (if you ever watch those?) -- and I may, if you're on board, post a couple more of them. (She's one of a few speakers I feel like I need to make a mini series out of, the material is always so good. But sometimes it's good to see them in a certain sequence.) If I had a journal here, or if I ever do, I'd probably have to do that, haha.

 

This may look familiar to you, because I seem to recall bringing your attention to it before. But it's engaging enough, and timely enough, for a refresher to build on.

 

This video was a seminal presentation that she did -- which she followed up in subsequent talks actually talking about this experience and what it generated. It's clear that this kind of "exploded" her career in a more public arena, based on her aftermath stories of this, so when she gave this talk, she was still relatively unheard-of. And those next talks are equally worth checking out, substantive, and relevant, like I said...so yeah, if you were cool with it, I might post those, too.

 

Of course, many of my favorite speakers and presenters are from the scientific (and often medical/therapeutic) fields and backgrounds, and she's no exception. So that's another reason to watch this one first (or again) -- to remember that she's first and foremost coming from a research background, studying in a very objective way her subject (which is to say, voluminous numbers of people and their stories), rather than a personal philosophy or metaphysical leaning. But she brings to it something really personal, a flair, and that's what resonates with me so much about her.

 

Just so you have a little bit about her background (other than what she presents here for her audience), I put a little bio stuff down below.

 

I think she's your speed. Oh, and while you're watching, be thinking about the "American Dream" in relation to all this.

 

And pay especially close attention to what she says between 7:06 and 7:22.

 

 

 

[video=youtube;X4Qm9cGRub0] ]

 

About Brené Brown:

 

Dr. Brené Brown is a research professor at the University of Houston Graduate College of Social Work. She has spent the past twelve years studying vulnerability, courage, worthiness, and shame. Her groundbreaking research has been featured on PBS, NPR, CNN, The Washington Post, and The New York Times.

 

Brené is the author of the #1 New York Times Bestseller, Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the way we Live, Love, Parent, and Lead (Gotham, 2012). In Daring Greatly Brené dispels the cultural myth that vulnerability is weakness and argues that it is, in truth, our most accurate measure of courage. Fast Company Magazine recently named Daring Greatly one of the best business books of 2012. Brené's 2010 TEDx Houston talk, The Power of Vulnerability, is one of the top ten most viewed TED talks on TED.com, with over 6 million viewers.

 

Brené is also the author of The Gifts of Imperfection (2010), I Thought It Was Just Me (2007), and Connections (2009). She lives in Houston with her husband, Steve, and their two children, Ellen and Charlie.

[tiredofvampires]

More Brene?

 

Hopefully you watched the first one...cuz like I said, these are done well in sequence..

 

A couple more good ones...though like I said, I've yet to see a mediocre one of her...

 

The first one is so peppered with quotable gems, I can't even cite key spots on the meter. (Among other things, she talks about the previous TEDtalk in this, and how that in and of itself continued to build her views, which I think is really interesting.) Clearly, she's addressing an audience of various creative people in this one (I've actually not heard of this conference, ha), but everything applies completely. And you're creative, too (in many ways -- it's a wide-open word), so even if that's a peripheral point here, it's not ill-fitting.

 

In the second one, my only complaint is that she raises a couple of very provocative questions, but the video is too short for an answer. But the commentary is insightful and rings true.

 

(ETA: Just realized I can't put 2 videos in one post, so I'll put the 2nd one in the next.)

 

 

 

[video=youtube;8-JXOnFOXQk] ]

[tiredofvampires]

Okay, okay, okay -- promise, this is the last one on the Brene roll, unsolicited!

 

Look at me, just taking over your journal, lol.

 

Like I said, there's more...I just think her sass, her familiarity with southern culture, and her 5-generation Texan "lock and load" family motto (which she speaks of in other lectures, as the starkly incongruous juxtaposition it is to her subject), and her own personal journey through these subjects is where it's at, as something that would resonate. Hey, I'm not even from that background, but there's something about her that I instantly identify with. And there are parts of this one that are so funny, that I actually more than just grinned, I had a couple good LOLings.

 

This one is in a slightly different format: she speaks for about a half hour, and then takes questions. All of which cut straight to the bone.

 

There's a great portion where the MC (a strikingly uncharismatic Brit, but obviously very intellectually keen) is asking her some really spot-on questions right after her talk, and one of them is about the difference between shame and guilt (differentiating between these and similar emotions, such as embarrassment, humiliation, remorse, and regret etc.) Of note to me is how she talks about how shame creates a paralysis to make changes in one's life, the mechanism of that, and how and why it stands apart from these other emotions as a crippling condition.

 

Though not discussed, note that she states bullying is one manifestation of shame.

 

 

[video=youtube;QMzBv35HbLk] ]

[tiredofvampires]

The edit window ran out, but I wanted to say also that I LOVE the way she distinguishes between sympathy and empathy -- the former being an actually very painful feeling of disconnection, where most people think of it as a good thing. I really appreciate this validation of something I've often felt and believed myself (and I think you'll agree), but never heard anyone articulate so well.

[ProtestTheHero]

[video=youtube;3gdlOFP02Y8] ]

 

This song is the sound of ugliness and futility and yet it is beautiful to me. Maybe it's because that sound speaks my language -- the aesthetic of black and yellow bile, despondence and anger, and the futility of everything. Life on a treadmill. That's what it sounds like, and by the time I've finished puking on this page I feel you'll know what it looks like too.

 

I come here as to a confessional, often at my lowest and full of apologies. I first apologize to myself for being me, arguably the greatest offense, and I apologize to anyone that reads anything that I write because it is vile, disheartening, and disgusting. It requires a degree of patience to sift through and I feel like it's too much to ask of strangers.

 

I am often overwhelmed trying to reconcile the idea that I'm a citizen of a world that in no sphere, corner, shape, or way belongs to me. I watch from afar as people experience a variety of what life has to offer them but I am no participant. I do not really have the things that make most people what they are. I have no real family or friends. I have no sense of identity. I am not an active participant in the living experience because nothing tethers me to anything or anyone. I watch as an audience of one, and today I saw a movie.

 

An acquaintance of mine from back home will be a father to a baby girl. All I could do is morbidly recall some of our conversations on those Friday nights as he explained to me his issues. Scholastically he was unimpressive so college was out of the question. He was handsome but that only goes so far with the fairer sex when you have absolutely no prospects and no tangible way of achieving financial stability. Now he is gainfully employed by his father-in-law and a father-to-be. Things fell in place. It's interesting how time and change, the two true gods, smiled upon him in such an incredible way. I'd be more prone to praise if he was at all a proactive participant in facilitating any of this but I was there the night he met his future wife. Chance. A dice roll. A transformation.

 

It's enough to turn a man fatalistic. I've been on a journey to better myself for 10 years. I've hit so many benchmarks that the world tells me is important but I am running in place and weary of the exercise. When you run on the treadmill you never actually get anywhere, but you can stop running. You can love the beauty of falling.

 

There is a hollowness in me. I don't know if anyone can sense it but I can feel how much it has carved out of me. I go days and sometimes weeks without feeling anything and all of a sudden the callouses bleed, the dam bursts, and I prepare to drown in it all.

 

What do I want? Courage. The courage to stop running and to leave a world that was not meant for people like me, but I can't. I can't do it. The Purveyor of Strength has nothing to sell me and my emasculation is complete.

 

Too broken to live and too cowardly to die.

 

ProtestTheHero wakes up everyday to trudge once more unto the breach, dear friends. 999 lives left.

[tiredofvampires]

And this speaks exactly to what Brene was saying, about the nature of shame: that the difference between someone who just feels they've done things wrong in their life and made some mistakes, and shame is that with shame you believe you ARE the thing wrong, that you ARE the mistake.

 

And for that reason, you aren't proactive, because how can you fix something that you see as inherently a mistake, and therefore, irredeemable and unfixable? It doesn't translate into proactiveness -- it translates into resignation, which you've expressed often.

 

I think that's probably the biggest difference between your friend and yourself.

 

Does that message resonate with you at all -- that it would be very, very hard for you to do something proactive to invoke the god of change if you are stuck in the idea that you CAN'T "better your life", no matter what you do? Can you acknowledge that this mechanism may be at work for you?

 

And how important do you believe it is to participate with Change and Chance? Is being proactive irrelevant in the world?

 

And on the other hand, if change and chance are so completely fickle, how do these forces not apply to you as well? We've talked about this a lot, but it's something you don't seem to fashion any of your thinking around. You've got a sound theory -- but somehow exempt yourself in a contortion of illogic. Which is to say...you live off of emotional logic, not rational logic in this.

 

It sounds as if you would like to experience the blessings of Fortuna that your friend has, but you feel you've come up with the short straw. As if, if the stars had just lined up for you as they had for him, you would not be wretched as you are. That's all it took. Well if luck is what stands between his life being redeemed, and yours being irredeemable, how does that jibe with your being born a mistake? How do dice rolls leading to happy endings transform "original mistakeness"?

 

How are you reconciling this contradiction?

 

What you've essentially done is exceptionalized yourself as a human being, in order to support the self-conviction that you are this mistake. You aren't subject to good changes. And if you are, they wouldn't count. You aren't subject to good fortune, change, or luck. But if you were, they wouldn't count (and so far, they haven't -- only the bad dice rolls have counted). You are immune to the combo of proactive effort + uncontrollable variables becoming fruitful, setting you apart from the most basic laws. You can't see the future, but you can see all.

 

Metaphorically speaking, with these self-created laws, you've set yourself up to have a dck in every orifice, even those that don't fit.

 

Your conclusion that you are a mistake is not the result of observation. It is the cause of your observation.

 

It is Square One. The Seed. The Core. "A."

 

Your shame, toxic shame, is paralyzing you from observing something different and allowing things to change. Do you think that's possible?

 

But it, too, has a cause. So, there's a more primordial seed to that.

 

 

I don't really agree with your assessment that for the last 10 years, you've been trying to "better yourself." I would like to posit the opinion that what's happened in the last 10 years is you essentially working very hard to formulate an identity that you can live with, while tearing yourself down from the inside out because shame and self-hatred were internalized, got globalized, and have continued to rob you of a chance to correctly form an identity. So you've been living in survival mode, reactive mode, self-defense mode, and most of all, self-rejection mode, all of which have consolidated a deadly and masochistic objectification of yourself. None of which remotely resemble "trying to better yourself." The only "bettering" I see is that you've tried to fit into a series of sanctioned identities, each one disappointing you or outright betraying you. You've tried and tried, but the glass slipper hasn't fit any of these feet.

 

That's not "bettering," it's searching and groping. I would even say the image that comes to mind is thrashing about with a blindfold on.

 

Maybe this is the very beginning of your journey to "bettering yourself", and you haven't begun yet. I see a man who has been nothing but destroying himself in various ways over the last 10 years (half of which were still you in childhood).

 

Until you stop trying to destroy what you are trying to better, there can be no bettering. Is that a shocking revelation, or what?

 

So where does THAT start? That starts with the thought, "I need to stop, to want to stop, destroying this. I can't step on the gas and the brake at the same time and make this car go, not burn the engine out. What STOPS ME FROM TAKING THAT STEP?"

 

AND THEN REALLY ASK THAT QUESTION, AS AN OPEN QUESTION TO YOURSELF. Because it's true: you have not in all this time tried to build something that you weren't also systematically trying to destroy, and so you can draw no conclusions about your potential from that. Your journey needs to be a going in search of why that is, and consider that it's an important conflict to take on.

 

Maybe truly bettering yourself, and not seeking to destroy yourself simultaneously is such an alien road, you haven't even dared to try it -- because bettering yourself would have to start with entertaining the remote premise that you are something that CAN be bettered; and you'd have to develop a baseline care for yourself even to just start with that notion. So how can that be conceived out of self-hatred? Again, it's an important question. How can compassion arise out of hatred and contempt? THAT is the transformation. You can't even start bettering yourself if you don't believe that you CAN be bettered or ARE worthy of it -- and that is why shame and apologizing for yourself is the beginning and end of the problem. The germ of everything that isn't allowing the light in, and the better to come along.

 

Maybe that is the first step to "bettering" yourself, and so the first step hasn't been taken. The first step would be to want to root for yourself -- something that most likely just reading makes you feel nauseous.

 

That. That right there.

 

That's the problem. You don't even have a clue what that feels like. In fact, you almost wouldn't want to have a clue, would you? Emotionally, it prepares you to fight for your self-destruction.

 

It would overhaul the physics of your internal universe so completely to think of rooting for yourself, it would feel like mythology and snake oil to entertain this.

 

The most abhorrent thing to you is the idea that you aren't.

 

Starting to inspect that deeply, looking as a gemologist examines a gem for cracks under high magnification, would be the baby steps on the beginning of the journey to bettering yourself.

[tiredofvampires]

Just fyi, I added a ton of edits since I posted that up, ha. I'm sure I'll think of more when the edit window runs out...

[tiredofvampires]

Like this one:

 

And how important do you believe it is to participate with Change, Chance, and Time?

 

Fixed.