The Black Rainbow

[ProtestTheHero]

So, I will try to make this something other than just a trash bin of stupid things I think at a given time, lol.

 

I haven't been posting as much as I used to in any section of the forum simply because I feel like I'm starting to run out of things to say.

 

For any random person reading this -- I listen to a lot of music. Every day. Music has always been the coolest form of therapy IMO, and it's really been the most effective thing for tempering my moods whenever I fall into too much of something.

 

I think I will post songs sporadically that have helped me temper my moods during those moments. Feel free to post whatever you listen to if you've ever done something similar.

 

There will be a ridiculous amount of diversity here...at least from me. I listen to everything from pop, trap rap, hip hop, heavy metal, alt rock, hardcore, posthardcore, to black metal.

 

Here is one that hit the spot for me today.

[video=youtube;pTchEd3mvPU] ]

[dangletsbang]

I'm almost 99% positive you're familiar with sonny moore from from first to last...anyway, this techo/dubstep crap has taken my town and surrounding areas like a tidal wave..which i'm not bashing but the terms the kids use who are obsessed with it are completely ridiculous. ANYWAY - what seems to be the most popular dj is 'skrillex'..I just learned today that sonny moore = skrillex..I had no idea. I'm interested to know what your opinions/thoughts are on 'dubstep'..especially sonny moore vs. skrillex... kind of off topic but i'm curious.

 

In regards to what your journal is about, I listen to everything. I've noticed lately i'm burnt out on current main stream music and have been listening to stations on pandora that play music that I used to listen to..underoath, the used, devil wears prada, silverstein but I go back and forth between rap, 'texas country' and hardcore..my friend recently introduced me russian metal, incredibly great bands..a breath of fresh air compared to today's current metal..from what i've seen anyway. Some good bands are 'we are the distance', 'at the ruins' and 'sanity decay'..you may not be fond of them but I know you have an open mind.

[tiredofvampires]

I REALLY like that first selection.

 

Is the rest of the album that good?

 

'k...I have a reallllllllllllly dumb question. How do you find new bands? Do your friends usually turn you on to them, or you hear them on the radio, or you just stumble upon them, or what?

 

Reason I ask is because my friends, for the most part, are not into many genres of music that I listen to, or if they are, they listen to the older stuff (like classic rock) or stuff I know how to get myself in a lot of places (like ambient). Also, we don't have a lot of bands passing through here for exposure, the radio stations never really play anything obscure or cutting edge, with really garbage selections. Also, they seem to still really favor alt rock, which is one of my least favorite in the "mainstream" categories because there's too little variation from vocalist to vocalist for my palette, and within the same vocalist, even though some of the songs instrumentally/compositionally are good (I actually have more pop songs I'd go for than alternative, and this genre is pretty rare for good finds for me as well.)

 

So there just aren't many avenues for me to pick up new repertoire and vary things up. I always wonder how others do, and find stuff that is actually listenable, let alone good (that being a matter or taste, I know.)

 

Other than this journal, haha, where would I get all sorts of cool leads?

 

(Oh, and Russian metal is a thumbs up -- I'm no aficionado yet, but yeah.)

[dangletsbang]

TOV, i'm not sure if you've ever heard of 'pandora'..but it's like an online radio..if you listen to a certain band's station, it plays all kinds of bands similiar to that artist. I've found many new artists because of that feature. I don't have many friends who listen to what I listen to either..

[ProtestTheHero]

Yep, before Skrillex was being played all over MTV I remember the skinny/acne ridden vocalist of FFTL lol. I listened to them some back in the day, but in high school I did not listen to much of what I call (and think it's called) "post-hardcore." In high school I wasn't really feeling stuff like The Used, Senses Fail, From Autumn to Ashes, etc. but now I actually enjoy and listen to all of those bands (also some early saosin and Thursday).

 

Coheed was the same way for me. First heard them as a junior in high school and didn't touch until late college so I am always surprised when someone's first taste of them is positive because I did not dig the voice at first listen (now I love Claudio). I'm happy you liked it TOV. They have a lot of good songs...some of which you might have heard already on commercials or maybe the radio. "Welcome Home" was pretty huge for a while.

 

As far as dubstep goes, I don't listen to much on my own. The clubs near USF played a lot of dubstep and I understand the dance appeal, but when I'm in the car or alone I can't really listen to it. Dubstep is kinda like when someone you really don't know well puts on airs and asks you about your day, and you being socially aware realize they don't care and simply say "ok." Dubstep is that conversation on loop. There are times and places where it can be cool, and there are some remixes I've enjoyed (esp. the Dotexe remix of Meg and Dia's "monster"), but it's not a go-to thing for me. I would rather listen to FFTL than Skrillex for that reason mostly. I'm also doing what you're doing and busting out some oldies, retrying some stuff I was exposed to years ago (some of which I didn't truly give a chance), etc..

 

I looked up the three bands you listed on youtube (I'm not at my good laptop where I have my grooveshark setup) and could only find sanity decay, but the song (continuous streak) was really good. I'd definitely put that in my rotation.

 

I get a lot of my recommendations the same way I just found out about sanity decay, lol. People know I like this sort of music so they'll throw bands at me to check out. Pandora is good, grooveshark is good. I will also just sometimes search a genre and "2012" on youtube to see what's new.

 

Here is another group/song that I often listen to. They are old but good. Meshuggah is one of those tech bands that employs polyrhythms. There are generally two types of listeners when it comes to music like this: One set of ears picks up one pattern in the instrumental and can't discern the rest and views it as noise. Another person can listen to the same thing and see how it all works together and love it.

 

I like Meshuggah and this is about as close as I will come to dancing to anything, lol. Always has a groove-feel to it to me.

 

[video=youtube;4A_tSyJBsRQ] ]

[DrKitten]

Ah, I love me some Meshuggah. Always been a metal chick. I looked up Sanity Decay and enjoyed Continuous Streak very much too.

 

Can't listen to metal as constantly now as I did when I was a teen though. Need less heavy stuff to balance me out.

[JonasWaingaro]

I'm going to see them in May. Good stuff. I'll be watching this journal.

[tiredofvampires]

TOV, i'm not sure if you've ever heard of 'pandora'..but it's like an online radio..if you listen to a certain band's station, it plays all kinds of bands similiar to that artist. I've found many new artists because of that feature. I don't have many friends who listen to what I listen to either..

 

No, actually tbh I haven't heard of that. But it sounds like something I'll really have to check out. Thanks! I need all the help I can get, heh.

[tiredofvampires]

Coheed was the same way for me. First heard them as a junior in high school and didn't touch until late college so I am always surprised when someone's first taste of them is positive because I did not dig the voice at first listen (now I love Claudio). I'm happy you liked it TOV. They have a lot of good songs...some of which you might have heard already on commercials or maybe the radio. "Welcome Home" was pretty huge for a while.

 

Jeez, where the hell have I been. No, I liked this guy's voice instantly. That first minute (and the intro) just...takes me somewhere, if you know what I mean. He's got a lot of emotion in his voice.

 

I must say, you never cease to surprise me with your tastes. Just as soon as I think I've got it sort of nailed, you throw in some wildcard, lol. Like, I would have thought you'd go for this for sure, without a lot of hesitation. Unless prog wasn't really your cup of tea at all back then -- this sounds sort of prog to me, if you had to slap labels on things. I haven't wiki'd them or anything, lol, so I don't know, but sure does have that "feel." And his voice isn't too far from some other voices you say you've liked in the past.

 

While on the other hand -- Meshuggah? HA, wow, what a coincidence. I don't really listen to them much, but just now I've been going on some alternating spree with them and Bile. Such is the flavor of this week. But see, I wouldn't have thought you'd go for Meshuggah, with those vocals. Surprise, surprise.

 

Not to hijack your journal (must resist, must resist!), but like I said, I'm on some sort of Bile kick right now. I like "I Resist" and play it a lot, but this is one of my favorites of theirs. This is one of those songs where I feel like "if I could only perform this myself!" I don't feel that way about lots of songs, but this one begs to be performed for some reason, for me. I'd go crazy with this, if I could. Lucky them. Ha ha. I just love how it builds.

 

 

 

I will also just sometimes search a genre and "2012" on youtube to see what's new.

 

Yeah, that's been my method of choice (which has been my only choice, since I don't know any better), and it's a lot of really bad hit-and-misses. Lots of randomness. But I'll check out Grooveshark and Pandora. Thanks guys.

[tiredofvampires]

Oh, and one thing I really hate: when I hear a commercial and the music is rockin', and I really want to know what/who the song is, but what are you gonna do? That really sucks. So if I heard Coheed on an ad, I wouldn't have known to attribute it to them.

[JonasWaingaro]

If you have a smart phone you can get Shazam. It ID's music. It's pretty good.

[tiredofvampires]

^Just another reason to get a smart phone. *sigh!* What do you do? Enter a name (like "Miller") and it pulls up the soundtrack?

[JonasWaingaro]

hehe Nope, you hold the phone up and it 'listens' to the music then finds a match on the internet. It's pretty nifty.

[tiredofvampires]

hehe Nope, you hold the phone up and it 'listens' to the music then finds a match on the internet. It's pretty nifty.

 

Oooh, me likey!! That's not a smart phone -- that's a GENIUS phone!! wooohoo.

 

Just another reason to get more income. *sigh*

[ProtestTheHero]

Ah, I love me some Meshuggah. Always been a metal chick. I looked up Sanity Decay and enjoyed Continuous Streak very much too.

 

Can't listen to metal as constantly now as I did when I was a teen though. Need less heavy stuff to balance me out.

 

I know what you mean. I still like and listen to metal regularly, but I've cycled many other things into it. I think now that I'm a little older there's more variety to what I'm feeling...instead of the same few intense things circling my head it's a bunch of milder thoughts/stuff so I need more things to hit the spot on different days. Don't know if that "growth" pattern is normal or even makes sense, lol, it's just how it happened for me.

 

I'm going to see them in May. Good stuff. I'll be watching this journal.

 

That should be a good show. I will pester you to post how it was in here, lol.

 

Oh, and one thing I really hate: when I hear a commercial and the music is rockin', and I really want to know what/who the song is, but what are you gonna do? That really sucks. So if I heard Coheed on an ad, I wouldn't have known to attribute it to them.

 

Haha, even with a smart phone it happens to me if I'm driving and can't reach for it in time. That is probably one of the most annoying things that happens to me. Also, you can't really "hijack" this journal, lol. I want to hear/listen to what people like instead of just rambling to myself. That was actually the first Bile song I've heard, believe it or not.

 

 

This song is by a band called Team Sleep, the side project of the famous frontman for the Deftones. Chino's voice always makes me feel like I'm stuck in a dream.

 

[video=youtube;7at110cEohs] ]

[redrose85]

I completely understand that. As a teen, my music had to be intense. Nowadays, I need a mix. I can’t listen to metal all the time, I need lighter stuff to keep my mood light.

[ProtestTheHero]

I don't really talk much about myself here anymore because it assumes I have an audience, which is fairly presumptuous I suppose. Oh well.

 

I reconnected with a girl I was seeing senior year in college. I use the word "seeing" because dating would be wrong...it was mostly fwb/hang out. Things just sort of naturally resumed when I saw her at a party and we talked for a while. Unfortunately, the negatives kicked in as well. Once again I was the best friend/boyfriend/paid professional all at once without really signing up for any of them. I think that's why I don't foresee myself dating again for a long time. It's so exhausting being everything to one person and it makes me uncomfortable when I can't simply walk away from a situation without a long explanation. When you're the person someone calls when they're stressed, sad, looking to have fun, looking to laugh, horny, wanting to go out, etc. it just becomes too much. In her mind there's no separation of worlds. In my mind people are placed into spheres. This "x" group are people that I can just talk/hang with and also go out with and have fun, "y" group I only go out and have fun, "z" group is mostly just talking, "w" is women I spend 1-on-1 time with and "w" does not meet/interact with x, y, and z. Apparently W's have a big problem with this.

 

Major changes loom on the horizon because in a few weeks I will be leaving the state I was born and raised in to attend law school elsewhere. I think the most surprising thing about this is that I am not feeling sad or nostalgic at all. It's interesting to be moving and to be placed amongst people my age who have no idea about whatever previous rep I had. It's a fresh start with new people so I'm excited rather than anxious. I don't think my W is as happy as I am about me leaving, but so it goes. We have always verbally shared this common ground that when we're hanging out there's no expectation that another meetup will follow. I'm starting to think that when I make these arrangements and express this agreement that I'm the only one who isn't telling a lie.

[tiredofvampires]

So, it's clear what she seeks about your company...

 

What is it that you get out of her company? There must be some reason you've continued to spend time with her -- even though you feel you haven't "signed up" for the roles she's assigned to you.

 

In an ideal world...where there are none of these negatives with her, what would this relationship be like now?

 

 

Those are just some questions that come to mind, reading what you've said...but I find something a little odd about what you're describing. If you take any "W" who is not emotionally frigid or remote, and express some non-platonic interest in her, but say, "Here's what we've got -- a room with a bed, a tv, a computer, and some snacks. Whatever fun we have, we're going to have to have in here, or at max, within a 6 mile radius of here, because we don't go and hang out, we don't go see my or your friends, and if we have any fun, it's just gonna be you, me, you-on-me, that's it. Because you, me and other people don't mix," what exactly do you expect to start happening besides her making you her friend, her sort-of-boyfriend, and confidente, within that cloistered environment? I don't know what other choices someone would have for how they'd take best advantage of that time together.

 

I don't really think a woman is healthy if she has made you her only meaningful social outlet...but you kind of knew that about her, so in a way, you did sign on for the dynamic. You signed on for this imbalance you're aware of.

 

And I wouldn't say the limitations you've imposed on the relationship are conducive to her doing much else besides what you've described, with you, because you've created a fairly insular situation, like I said. What else would someone do with that? I'm just wondering how, if you feel it to be somewhat stifling and suffocating, how your narrowing activities and social opportunities with her doesn't exacerbate what you don't like about the arrangement/dynamic.

[tiredofvampires]

I'm happy you're excited at the prospect of a new slate, and your brand new rep, though.

[ProtestTheHero]

In my mind, taking her out to meet my friends would be legitimizing whatever this is. Essentially, we get bored and we meet up. The positives...well, she's there. It could be one of several people and I'd be ok with that. It's not really constructed on much other than mutual boredom and alleviating that for a short period of time. It's really hard for me to explain this. It's kind of like watching The King of Queens. Yeah, it's an ok show. It has its moments. It's there if I want to watch it but most of the time I can't be bothered to take the time to do so or to sit through an episode, and if I watch a few then I'm good for a while. I guess I don't understand why I should expect this situation to evolve to her making me her confidente when I don't reciprocate in that fashion or check up on her. I have had guy friends do this and the girls generally do their own thing until they want to meet up but for whatever reason she doesn't subscribe to that playbook.

[itsallgrand]

Oh you are going to break a few hearts, PTH.

 

Totally get it. But. Wait for when you meet someone who you do feel so much more for. It's not so easy as waving a wand and these patterns change themselves. Hopefully you don't allow it to become a pattern. Spheres, I mean.

 

Awesome about the new school and new locale coming up. Congrats.

[tiredofvampires]

In my mind, taking her out to meet my friends would be legitimizing whatever this is

.

Right, I understand that. But that doesn't sound like your MO in GENERAL is "w's go here. x's, y's, and z's, all go over here. Y'all stay apart, okay?" That's this one girl and this one relationship, which you have about zero invested in, and which will very soon end. So I'm not convinced what you've generalized about is all that indicative of how you could, would or "do" handle things, as a personal policy.

 

This is a for-now policy, I think, more than anything else. So we shall see, we shall see. You're right, though -- in general, "w's" would have a hard time with that policy. But to be fair...all the "m's" of the world who want more than a NSA boredom-killing plan would have a hard time with it, too.

 

But. Wait for when you meet someone who you do feel so much more for. It's not so easy as waving a wand and these patterns change themselves. Hopefully you don't allow it to become a pattern. Spheres, I mean.

 

++++++++111111111111

 

I think there are going to be many, MANY patterns that are hard to break. Probably, the hardest one being the secure feeling that you hold all the cards. And I don't just mean, hold all the cards in terms of who has the power and control in the relationship (because right now, you do -- and you know it.)

 

I mean, the feeling that you hold all the cards of your own heart.

 

Oh you are going to break a few hearts, PTH.

 

And part of me wonders if still....STILL....even if not shoutingly so, and more peripherally so....this is part of the appeal.

 

One thing is for sure right now. This girl is digging her own grave, and you are fully cognizant of this. And you haven't chosen another girl who is more like the ones your friends hook up with (I mean, the small subset of those girls that haven't staged a pseudo NSA/pseudo relationship, as well.)

 

I wouldn't blink if sometime between now and the end of the year, she lets the wrong 4-letter word drop. Maybe after you leave, and it's clear that nothing's left to lose, because it's already gone.

[ProtestTheHero]

The spheres thing is just for this particular situation, yes. I am trying to send consistent signals and introducing her to all my friends does not seem consistent with a situation that had an inherent expiration date of August 9, 2012.

 

I think 4 years ago maybe I would have found turning down women who wanted something more from me desirable. It would have been a form of cheap vindication and in my mind it would have balanced past scores, but I don't feel that way anymore. I don't have any desire to make new people pay the price for the way I internalized the actions of others that came before them.

 

I think I just struggle dealing with the intense emotions of others. It makes me uncomfortable to be loved and to love (in a romantic male-female way) someone else. If we enjoy being around one another then a lot of the time I wish the girl in question would be happy with remaining in stasis. It's really easy to hold a pot that's just simmering. It's comfortable. It's easy to balance, and if you fail then all that spills over on the both of us is easy to manage. When things progress and the feelings become more intense the pot isn't simmering anymore, it's boiling over. That is highly stressful for me. I don't fear loss. I don't fear picking up the pieces or anything like that. I fear how I'll handle that pot of boiling water and the weight of its responsibility. When someone tells me they love me I feel so much pressure. Someone has given something very valuable to me and now I have to be ridiculously careful not to break it because these types of things aren't properly insured.

 

I have genuinely loved one person that I dated, but when it ended I managed. I handled it better than she did, and that's been par for the course for me anytime a relationship of any kind ends. I move on quickly, sometimes instantaneously. I don't know if I've conditioned myself to be that way or if it's just how I'm wired, but it always seems that the women I have dated have developed these feelings more quickly and more intensely than I have, and I'm not sure if that's a product of me not meeting the right people or if that's just how things will always proceed. I respect the word "love." I don't use it casually. So, when someone says "I love you, Tyler" I feel like the onus is now on me to make sure she's used this very serious word with the right person and that she won't regret it later. I don't want to stand in front of someone who is crying and explain why I don't want to be around anymore. When this pressure builds up and eventually makes me feel claustrophobic I just want to escape.

 

There have been times/occasions where I have met someone new, hung out with them, talked with them, etc. and I knew that if something were to develop here it would feel 1000x more intense than anything I have ever experienced. I've never acted on them because at the end of the day I don't know if that intensity makes my life more or less enjoyable. I don't know if loving someone like that and being loved in the same way but dealing with everything that this involves is truly superior to the simplicity of my aloofness. I've erred on the side of simplicity and these are my results. I guess the only important question is whether I'm cool with them.

[tiredofvampires]

I think 4 years ago maybe I would have found turning down women who wanted something more from me desirable. It would have been a form of cheap vindication and in my mind it would have balanced past scores, but I don't feel that way anymore. I don't have any desire to make new people pay the price for the way I internalized the actions of others that came before them.

 

I'd put a smiley face emoticon here, but that's probably a little too cornball, haha. This is an awesome thing to be able to take off the table, to strike from the list of considerations. "Cheap vindication" is a great way of describing that, what that was all about.

 

I think I just struggle dealing with the intense emotions of others.

 

While that's part of it, you've not just said here that being loved makes you uncomfortable. You've said more than once, "loving and being loved". So being the one doing the loving...that's part of this too, isn't it? This is a two-way circuit, and as such, it seems to me that it's the whole thing that you're having qualms about. Like here:

 

There have been times/occasions where I have met someone new, hung out with them, talked with them, etc. and I knew that if something were to develop here it would feel 1000x more intense than anything I have ever experienced. I've never acted on them because at the end of the day I don't know if that intensity makes my life more or less enjoyable. I don't know if loving someone like that and being loved in the same way

 

So, that's about what's going on for you, your intense emotions, too, isn't it -- besides what's going on for them and their intense emotions?

 

I'm calling attention to this because it would seem like at first glance, your post is about the feeling of being responsible for hurting someone else's heart. And while that's a really upstanding and legitimate concern (for anyone), there are other things in your post that make me think it's not JUST about that. Starting with that quote above. This is also about what it would mean for YOU to be matching them in their stride...and taking a plunge with them into the fire pit.

 

It's like you're questioning your own reach, here. Both the "want to" and the "can" of it. You say you're unsure if you've conditioned yourself to be one step removed (both in engaging at first, as well as disengaging when it's over) or whether this is just the way you tick. I tend to think that once someone is asking that sort of thing, the seed of reconditioning lies in that (kind of like, insane people don't inquire about whether they're insane, you know?) The way I see it is, if you've "erred" on the side of "simplicity"...that suggests some element of volition. So really, I see this as a question about your need for "stasis" in another -- and whether stasis is a place you want to be at, ultimately. YOU.

 

I get it, that you've put out a disclaimer that you don't worry about losing or picking up the pieces, but I think it would be over-simplifying it to make this just about the half of the equation where someone else's pot is boiling over and you just need to keep their burner on low for their sake.

 

Of course, if they keep theirs on light simmer...then you don't even have to contend with the question of how far you can or want to go. It remains a non-issue.

 

And perhaps...this is just something I'm throwing out there...it's not an accident (or merely a matter of who you're meeting, though that might be a factor) that the person you're involved with now, and the ones you've met before, have not inspired an equal feeling in you. This way, you're not as at risk for really finding yourself in deep. Again...it remains a non-issue if the person you're picking doesn't threaten the status quo, and can only "take you" so far. Even though she's not in "stasis"...by virtue of the limited feelings for her, and the situation, you've got the boundary built in.

 

I think it's great though that you care about this very valuable thing which is someone else's love. And that you recognize it that way. We are lucky to be loved by anyone, really. (I don't think 4 years ago you would have responded well to that statement either, but now, it may be different.) I say "lucky", but when I say that, it's not entirely a matter of luck -- being loved is partly a function of giving, or having given, something to a person that they appreciate in a deeply edifying way. Being lovable -- which is having something to offer -- is the other face of being loved.

 

Having the capacity to love...and having lovability to give, are in this continual active/receptive interactive loop.

 

And I see you questioning both, within you, in this post.

 

So. Do you feel like you need to make sure someone isn't giving you this very precarious and precious thing because it would be a mistake for them to? Do you feel you are unsuitable to be bestowed with that feeling? I would ask you, do you feel you deserve love, but I don't want you to misinterpret the word "deserve" in some way that would translate into "entitlement" of some kind.

 

I'm asking more about whether you feel you warrant it. Are WORTHY of it.

 

Mind you, I'm not asking about something more easy to define, like are you worthy of respect; or do you think you have qualities that are likable and enjoyable that people/a woman can appreciate. It's more than that.

 

Love is that feeling that can't be helped by the person feeling it, even if they try to make it go away; which means that it is both freely chosen (and therefore, not an outsider's/the loved's "responsibility"), while at the same time, it's choiceless (and therefore, a surrender); and it's that which is not merely due to this part or that part of another person. It's the feeling of the whole being greater than the sum of all the parts.

 

Do you feel worthy of someone feeling THAT for you.

 

Or is that just completely alarming?

 

I hope this wasn't too all over the place. I'm trying to be exact about things here which are anything but exact. And I'm in a pensively misty mood this evening.

[ProtestTheHero]

I have struggled at times to find purpose in anything. I think people that hear me talk about myself and my life would leave with the impression that I'm some sort of nihilist, and until now maybe they'd have been correct. I have finally decided to prioritize something, though...my happiness.

 

I have decided to leave law school. The workload wasn't overbearing, the subject matter wasn't too difficult, and the people weren't awful, but I realized that this is not what I want to do. I've had a glamorized idea of what the practice of law meant, but the more I am exposed to what my life will be like the less willing I am to subject myself to it. I love to write. I love to talk with people. I think analytically. Everyone saw this and said, "Hey, you should go to law school." The first two don't have much place in the practice of law. I have a tendency to put myself into my writing, but legal writing is void of passion and creativity. It's bare-bones with the logical steps of analyses. That isn't me. I never truly stopped to consider whether they were right when they told me that I would enjoy it, that it would "fit" my personality. I felt that because I was born on the second base of life (upper middle class family) that it was my duty as a respectful son to step into their life vision for me and to live it out. I always felt that questioning this would be selfish; I felt that by rejecting it I was being ungrateful. So, I followed a selected path. The end of the road always seemed so far away in undergrad, and I kept telling myself that by the time I was in the thick of things I would be excited. The excitement was really only in leaving a stale city to meet new people and to face a new challenge, but not in the line of work. I see that now.

 

I have withdrawn from law school with little to no debt. I'm 23. I can start over. What I can't do is stay here. I've been battling the feeling that I was making the biggest mistake of my life for the better of 1.5 months, but I wasn't ready to say anything to anyone because the prospect of me becoming a lawyer had become a part of my identity in the eyes of so many people. How could I explain to everyone, who had only months earlier told me how proud they were of me, that this was soul-crushing and that I didn't want to do it anymore? How could I explain this to anyone in a way where they could trust that it was about happiness rather than a desire to flee from hard work and stress? Fortunately, the most important people in my life know me well enough that they realize it had nothing to do with any of those things. They could tell I was getting distant and that I wasn't committed to this life.

 

At the beginning of next week I will start working with my Dad, learning the ins and outs of being a useful asset to companies whose finances are a mess. I will also have the opportunity to live near a casino to resume my card-playing. This is the first time in my life that I have made an important life decision with only myself in mind. It's scary, but I already feel like a huge burden has been lifted from my shoulders.

 

I don't know how everything will turn out, but the unknowns of life are preferable to the virtual guarantee of prolonged/sustained unhappiness. How can I be a zealous advocate for someone else if I can't even be a zealous advocate for me?