The Black Rainbow

[tiredofvampires]

THIS IS AWESOME.

 

Love the final line. Brings up a giantly famous quote by a most ancient, famous dude: "If I am not for myself, who is for me? And if I am only for myself, what am I? If not now, when?" (Rabbi Hillel)

 

 

And, after the news settles...I'm not surprised.

 

Because as you know, I had some grave doubts and misgivings about this career path for you, and even your assurances that it was the only one you could see being interested in, if you had to pick anything. But you finally managed to convince me -- probably because you'd convinced yourself so thoroughly -- that this was the right fit. And also, most importantly, that you were doing it for the right reasons. You presented some convincing arguments about how this choice was a reflection of your own ambitions, apart from the pressure to "do them proud."

 

It's amazing the lengths to which we can go to pull the wool over our own eyes to rationalize something we think we MUST reconcile ourselves to, usually as the lesser of evils.

 

One thing you can take away from this, among others, which is something I'm STILL working on getting better at myself, is recognizing the signs of a heart not aligned with a mind. You know, that little devil, "intuition". Probably deserves some airtime here.

 

It seems like something you'd readily follow if you're introspective, but in matters of vast significance (I mean, bigger than "I have the intuition this guy/girl is friendzoning me"), I've found that intuition is the very LAST thing I want to consult. It often shows up as that feeling you have before something even happens. The premonition stage. In this case, I believe it presented as that dread you had back in undergrad. You didn't have the full picture and evidence in front of you, and the sucky thing is, judging things by intuition alone seems rash and irresponsible. Especially if you have reasons to go forward with the grain that are legit (and there are always those). Nevertheless, I've found that when I have a very strong feeling that's not congruent with what I THINK is good/right, from a reasoned, intellectual place -- whether it's a negative or positive magnetism -- there is usually something significant to pay attention to there, and it often goes dormant (if ignored), only to rise again. I've seen patterns so clear in this, I'd say it almost never fails. The hard part really is discerning what to do with the "information."

 

Also suckily, intuition oftener than not is a hardballer. I almost never like what it has to say. It's almost always the last thing I WANT to do, or think I should do. It tells me the unwarm-fuzzy truth, most of the time. Highly inconvenient stuff I'm trying to find appropriate alternatives to, so I don't have to listen to it.

 

I'm not saying that people should just go willy nilly with every emotional impulse, and I've seen people speak of their "intuition" in very whimsical language. I'm not talking about that. I'm talking about paying close attention to when a feeling consistently arises and doesn't take to being shaken off; and what arises in you when you strip away the "shoulds", "shouldn'ts", "can'ts" and knee-jerks in your current thinking. Even if you don't immediately act on what comes up, you can regard it as one voice among many which you are giving equal weight, if not a prominent position. I used to regularly throw that guy into the dungeon, and you know, usually it was the one in my cabinet who was the rightest. This is, of course, subject non-specific.

 

To be fair, though -- I think you did invest your heart in it once you saw a direction you'd like to take this, and I believe at the time, that was genuine. I think you started on a leg of doubt and trepidation in your undergrad years, but then did develop a vision that seemed to reconcile it. The take-home of that is that you DID feel a sense of purpose, and therefore know you have that capacity in you -- so that shift you should not lose sight of, even if this will not be the path you find your purpose on.

 

All said and done, it was great to have this proving ground to base your decision on. So that you're not left with wondering if you passed something by prematurely, or "what if"? Or feeling that you copped out, or couldn't cut it at its hardest. You went in with as strong a lead as any, in the best school that could be hoped for, with a sterling and pure ambition/intention, with prevailing winds in all directions -- so you can leave clean, knowing it's not a lack on your part. It's good you're very clear it's in no way a failing, and I'm glad you're at peace with that.

 

Just because you COULD be a lawyer (and a great one, I'd bet, skillswise and emphasis-wise) doesn't mean you SHOULD be.

 

and the people weren't awful

 

lol...yet. This is just the beginning of the "fall", you know. heh. No really, I'm just lol-ing because that just doesn't seem a resounding endorsement. Especially given your conservative-leaning standards for "awful", LOL.

 

The reason this is awesome is that you've gotten clear so soon what you need here. Can you imagine (I’m sure you did) how it'd be to find yourself at 30, 35, or 40, in the midst of this life and lifestyle thinking, "FML, I HATE this, how did I even get into this?" It's hard to believe people follow the thinking that got you this far, and CONTINUE on that juggernaut, until that breaking point, or just find the proposition of starting over, switching horses midstream, too daunting to imagine. It's good you not only got this clear in grad school, but so early in the game of grad school. In your 2 or 3L, withdrawing would be all that much more painful and costly (something which I know you'd then feel chained to, to see through for the investment). So you just fast-tracked your life towards that which will affirm your work and purpose, wherever that may be, and turned away from the cliff.

 

And that's the other reason it's awesome. Because as I know you to be someone so very stubborn in the role you have felt yourself to be in, as a son and with the identity you have in your family...and with your extreme concerns over security and stability that you've needed to have mapped out, to avert the “unknowns of life”...to go against all of your grain up to this point takes some monumental balls.

 

That's commendable, and for all the reasons your dad has to be proud of you...I don't even think he realizes that there is this other reason, too. I'm pretty sure he’s not aware of the milestone tucked away here that I am.

 

This is the first time in my life that I have made an important life decision with only myself in mind.

 

I don't know how everything will turn out, but the unknowns of life are preferable to the virtual guarantee of prolonged/sustained unhappiness.

 

Normally, I know you'd have to be hanging from a twig by your teeth at the edge of that cliff before saying any of that, so that certainly speaks to HOW clearly dismal this semester as been for you, and how awful continuing would be.

 

The only "flaw" I see in your statement above, about making an important life decision with only yourself in mind is that it seems to suggest that considering yourself is somehow separate from considering others. How would other people (primarily, your dad) be served by you making a decision that does not solely revolve around your own happiness, where your career is concerned? How would you be considering other people -- i.e., the people who matter -- by making the decision to stay in law school? What I'm saying is that by virtue of making this decision with yourself in mind...you're also making a decision that bears them in mind. As I see it.

 

Would you agree that some of your feeling of responsibility has been/is misplaced, self-imposed and even a wrong characterization of what others would want (again, those who matter)?

 

About the challenge of finding purpose, itself. Relating this to my own life and some very similar struggles, though I never became nihilistic (not that I don't have my sympathies), I'm wondering if the feeling of lacking purpose is more about lacking a clear idea of how to best channel all of one's diverse passions and abilities.

 

When I was very young (under 10), I loved a few different things, and roughly saw myself in those capacities. At that age, not many children have realistic or clear senses of their life's calling, but the rudiments are sometimes there. In my case, I wanted and loved a few things: I loved nature and biology, and especially human life. I wanted to see it healed when sick. I wanted to help make things better. I also loved to make pictures of things, make stuff with my hands that told a story. I loved listening to stories and telling them. This array was the crude ore of my soul, you could say. And then as my childhood progressed (and ironically, the problems in my family fueled this), other muscles were strengthened -- I found that I loved language, verbal analysis, argumentation, and writing.

 

And while it's good and well to be diverse as a child...when I walked off the stage with my HS diploma, unlike other graduates with their moves and schools picked out, I saw...nothing in front of me. It was really the blackest period of my life, and probably the most “nihilistic.” There were a lot of extenuating reasons for this, as fallout of the family problems, but as lost and broken as I was emotionally, it only added tinder to the fire that there were so many things I could choose to be and none of them seemed to "fit" nicely together into a career track. I just couldn't see myself being or doing anything and having an identity.

 

So at a time when it was starting to take shape and come into focus for other kids...I was adrift in a sea of doubt and lack of direction. In the face of this confusion (and depression), it was almost impossible to believe in my passions. So it’s not that the building blocks for a purpose were absent. It was lack of direction, not knowing which direction to turn for purpose. It was a dark time for many reasons, but this stood out, that I had no fricken clue what I was supposed to BE. The idea of growing up and having to commit to BEING a SUCH-AND-SUCH, when I had about a half dozen lives/doors/roads I could pick from -- none of them alone representing me very well individually, and ill-matched to a singular path -- really felt like a curse. At that point in time, if I were being stretched on the rack, I could not have told you whether I'd prefer to follow my creative side (art), my verbal/analytical/righting wrongs side (law), my biology and healing side (medicine), or an offshoot of any of those (psychology, which I considered a minor in). When I did finally go to college, I settled on art because I felt this was closest to bringing all these interests together under a wide umbrella. It gave me the most freedom, because studying anything in depth and expressing/presenting it through creative media is the crux of art. And technically, it was probably still the suit I felt strongest in, up to that point. (Like, I’d have to become considerably better in math to go to med school, and having worked in that law office, I could not see myself doing it for PRECISELY the reasons you're talking about -- there was a soul-siphoning quality about the drudgery portion [which is a large %age] that seemed a world apart from me.)

 

Yet to this day, I can't tell you that art was some ideal fit. I really don't think any single thing could have been. I don't regret my art degree. It was a wonderful program, and it set me on a path well-matched to me. But after I graduated and many challenges presented (career-suspending developments, which you know about, so I won’t rehash), working with what I had and could, some of those other interests organically made themselves more prominent in my activities and undertakings. And in a way, what I’m doing now (though in development and undergoing further refinement) feels more fully in line with what my overall purpose was than just sticking to the one-track being “an artist” holed up in a studio, in that identity.

 

So in a way...I've gone through a very circuitous path, but all those original crude elements -- telling stories, writing, healing, making things with my hands, being creative in words and pictures, working with people -- they are all part of my life and contribute to my sense of purpose now, with the emphasis on certain skills and objectives more clarified now, as I’ve been “led”. Somehow, it’s come full circle. The fundamentals have not changed in 44 years, even though it feels like I’ve gone through incarnations! Had I not a lot of extraneous crap to deal with, having a chronic and major health disorder, right now I’d likely have my dream life (even though, ha, ironically…my adversity brought me some of these opportunities.)

 

What I'm telling you is that notwithstanding some of my life particulars being outside the bell curve of “norm”, as this applies to your situation, it's easy to confuse having no purpose with having no tidy label or career to fit all your passions into. The things you love and feel most yourself in, and are best at, will tug at you the whole rest of the way. The diagnosis of “no purpose” is wrong. The problem may be having too many disparate elements to know which niche you belong in. I came to see this -- that really, it was more a problem of not knowing where my niche was. And that may be true for you, as well.

 

I think it's really tough when you have a set of skills and talents that seem to suggest a proper field to get into, but it requires just one thing that doesn't suit your personality to such an extent that the whole thing could be doomed. Like psychology -- I love psychology, but to sit all day long in chairs talking, without being able to share much of my own personal take (as that's part of the therapist's code -- to be a neutral sounding board), often talking to people who just go in circles, sounds static, stifling, and potentially very draining to me. Ergo, why I didn't seek any degree in it, and wouldn't do it now, even though the subject is a LEADING passion. The format wouldn't fit me well. And even with medicine -- the face of medicine now, in the conventional arena, would offend my ideals about what medicine ought to be. So in some sense, it's just as well I was spared rigors that would no longer suit my philosophies, as my self-education and experience has progressed.

 

Of course, no job is likeable in every way. All professions have their downsides. So I think it's about finding a path that you know is sustainably nourishing on whole, not drudgery and withering on whole. As long as you feel your fundamental purpose is not being smothered, and can be renewed, and you're enjoying/exercising bringing your abilities to the table maximally -- then you can consider it a good match. The very BEST match would be one where you feel passions and purpose are joined in your work on a regular basis.

 

I think you've come a long way, even though you're at an unexpected crossroads. You used to talk about how you had nothing you were passionate about that could fulfill you in a career capacity. You used to say that a job could never give you a sense of purpose and that it would just be about making money. Since then, you’ve glimpsed at wanting more, and going through the steps to get there. Now, you are leaving a field because you hope to be happy doing something. Now, you know you can feel a sense of purposefulness (like I said, once you’ve felt it, you can't unfeel it; even though law is not the right fit). You know these states might be achieved, if you found the right niche, and that's what you're taking risks for.

 

The beauty of life is that there are a million and a half ways to express your passions. Many roads up the same mountain. This I've learned. The gifts of being analytical, of writing for writing's sake (not just for generic, utilitarian purposes), of being interactive with people, and zealously advocating for people can come together in an infinite combination of ways that you can't foresee now, just as I didn't foresee all the opportunities that have come my way to follow my original lights. It just didn't obey a linear path like I thought it would. If you want to write in a way that expresses your own voice, if you want to be of service to people, if you want to express your person-to-person capabilities in your line of work....I have no doubt that you can see a way to materializing these strengths in a version of PTH that is not dictated by anyone else’s concept.

 

I don’t think you should give up on any of those, to settle for something else. Now that you’re leaving a field that won’t fulfill these drives (and expressions of your purpose!), IMVHO you owe it to yourself (and no one else) to seek such fulfillment elsewhere.

 

But it may take some trial and error to find that right niche where it comes together and gets distilled at its best. And that will require some patience and willingness to look for opportunities in unexpected places (something I think you're already pretty good at). It may require a bit of mixing and matching and tweaking over time, before you feel the full ripening of it all. Most of all, I think it’s about widening the margins.

 

I couldn’t more strongly advise you to be prepared to think creatively and dynamically about your career itself, not just the things you do in your work. I’m not suggesting you model your endeavors on mine or anyone else’s, I’m just saying…remain flexible about your options now. Because starting over is a massive opportunity, and you have a chance to think big now.

 

For the most part, none of the great developments that happened for me along the way were calculated. Nearly all were things that “fell in my lap.” I think careers are a bit like relationships, in that way – they are growing things (unless it’s just a job you do to put food on the table, how or if you like it is parenthetical, and the rest of your life is where it’s at); you can plan all you like, but things will present along the way you never imagined. Sometimes what you do when you go back to the drawing board or when things fall in your lap turn out better than your original version. And I bet your dad could say that would resonate with him as well, even though his life was more linear than mine.

 

Some people are really lucky, in that lined-up plans pan out, but that’s always precarious. Life, I believe now, has a way of guiding you to the water, showing you the way, not so much you being the superpower orchestrating everything. Though you’re the very active participant/respondent to all of it.

 

Sooo…hopefully this is not coming off as too Dale Carnegie-ish and grandiose, lol, but I feel strongly about these things. And I really do feel familiar with what you’re going through – the uncertainty, the questioning where it is your skills and interests best come together.

 

Getting to the actual plans on the table, then, for your next step…

 

What is the intent of your dad training you now? Is it a concretized plan to establish a career in his footsteps – to groom you to become a financial consultant?

 

Or is this a sort of intermediate/experimental phase as you see it? A chance to get some road experience in a possible field, to have marketable skills to fall back on, while you explore other career options alongside? Have you looked at any other options or discussed them with him? Whose idea was this plan?

 

How decided is this move as a career strategy, and what’s the goal, basically?

 

Most of all…how do you feel about it? Does it excite you? What are your thoughts about it, pro and con? This time...being really, really, really, really, REALLLLLLLLLLLEEEEEEEEEEEE honest. lol

 

You said you love talking to people, love writing creatively, and you’re analytical. How well will going into your dad’s field capitalize on these, and in a way law school fails at?

 

Also, cool, about being near the casino. Is that just for recreational purposes, or do you conceive of a possible more serious direction in that?

 

Best for last, the typical hail of questions. lol

[tiredofvampires]

Oh, and one more thing.

 

I'm 23. I can start over.

 

You can start over at any age. Some things get much, much harder to rebuild or embark upon with age. And doors do close on some things, forever. Like, you can't start to train for the Olympics in gymnastics at 30. And if you're a woman, you can't start having babies at 60.

 

But to START OVER with a new plan...that is something you can do until you die.

 

Every day, every moment, you start over. Whether consciously or not.

 

This sounds like something I might post in the Suicide forum, but it's important for everyone to keep in mind, to remember.

[ProtestTheHero]

The training is basically a way for me to make some money by taking all of the grind out of his work. I took two years of accounting in high school and I have some familiarity with it, so I'm doing grunt-level stuff and letting him focus on soliciting sales and applying my work by coming up with solutions. For example, today I worked out that x company has about 5k off the books right now that needs to be fixed. I also found a pattern demonstrating that someone in the company is being dishonest. A particular individual wanted to be paid per diem during travel but his boss was suspicious that he'd stay in a cheap hotel and pocket the money instead of using it for his alleged costs. His per diem request was denied but this guy was constantly charging the exact same dollar amounts for hotel expenses...amounts that don't coincide with the rates of the places the charges are coming from. That's a good day for me. It gives them some things to fix and a person to address and I feel tangibly useful while learning more and more about the biz.

 

I'm free to apply for whatever job I want, but there's no one else that would have hired me on the spot. I'm in a new area with no leads so this was just convenient for me. I'm going to be looking around for probably some part-time min wage work to supplement what I do with my Dad for spending/saving money.

 

I would be totally cool with doing what my dad does for a living, though. I met some of his clients at a luncheon today and they all speak so highly of him and what he does for them...I can't even fathom being valued in that way. The idea that someone could look at me in that way is exciting. What my dad does requires him to be more involved than law does. He has to smooth talk vendors, meet with company owners, etc. etc. Law, aside from litigation, is impersonal paper pushing. Memos, complaints, etc. etc.

 

I don't even know if I'll spend time at the casino because I doubt the games are as good here as they are in Tampa. There's probably not many people there aside from rough-looking semi-functioning alcoholics blowing through their money. I've only played there once. I won, but those dudes looked rough...totally disinterested in everything.

[tiredofvampires]

Hey, ya know......I could quickly get on the bandwagon with this. Instead of you being my free legal opinion, you'll be my free money-woes opinion! Works for me!! I mean, hell knows I need it all!!! BAHAHAAA!! j/k!

 

Last things first, that sucks about the casino. Sounds like a pretty depressing atmosphere, without a lot of talent to joust with. Bummer.

 

Hmmm.

 

So I’m still not entirely sure what the “plan” is, as far as the training goes – and by that, I mean long-term vision of entering and being in the biz full-time, vs. “This is a job now, gives me a needed cash flow, and paves the road should I want to make this biz my career.” So I’m not sure if this is an investigational, non-committal period in which to make money, or a “career plan”, per se (the way a law degree was for you).

 

Of course, absolutely nothing is wrong with the former process -- just working now, and in an area that could be promising but you're not committing to yet (and the bulk of my post has a better chance if this is the case, ha). Absolutely, it’s a total ace that you have a direct “in” somewhere, a connection that close, so your being hired was instantaneous (and also, you’ve got instant rep by association as well, so in some ways, you’re not just the new kid on the block going through the standard probational period.) Well done. All good things.

 

I think you have to be careful of something, though – that you not glamorize this job, as you did law school, just for different (wrong) reasons. I asked you if this kind of work excited you. You have answered that being admired as much as your dad excites you. And it’s very clear that is a leading attraction for you, here. Of course, who doesn’t want to be admired for their impact and work? Count me in on that one, boy! But that should be another one of those “fortunate byproducts” of what you do, a secondary gain. And so it was, for your dad, I imagine. He had primary reasons for going into this occupation, and I think they were not, “because golden words will slide off tongues at luncheons one day, and even my son will see who I’ve been.” No one in their right mind (not counting guys who have meditated their way to complete ego dissolution over decades of focus on that endeavor) would turn that away, but I’m sure that’s not why your dad chose his career moves as he did. And his priorities, at your age, were very different from what yours are now, don't forget.

 

Because I don’t know how much you’re in “planning my future” mode right now, I hesitate to “push” some of my thoughts on you, especially if you’re enjoying seeing where this work leads.

 

But I’m going to register what’s going through my head anyway.

 

I think it’s entirely possible for you to get into your dad’s business by working your way up from this point, and enjoy this work/life. It sounds like you already feel interested in it, and have liked what it entails. Not enjoying math-related activity, I personally LOATHE accounting, even having taken 0 classes in it. But I’m me, and you’re you, and so where does that leave us, lol. I have never worked with money on a professional basis (as in, money, itself, being the subject), so I can only imagine that it’s an extension of handling my own personal finances – which is to say, a lot of practical and strategic thinking about a matter that, to me, is a necessary evil. A necessarily evil that’s a means to an end, so that you can get on with your real interests and where the lifeblood is at.

 

And perhaps this is a mistaken projection on my part – but just knowing you, I’ll go out on a limb to say I have recognized (maybe?) in you a somewhat similar orientation to the subject of financial issues.

 

It sounds like this job entails a good amount of problem-solving, which is a type of creativity. And research of situations (which I believe is one of the more exciting aspects of law, btw.) Certainly, these services are needed by people, so you’re contributing something valued and valuable. And in getting good at it, you’re enjoying your competitive streak. So this could be totally viable for you. It’s filling a lot of criteria, in this very formative stage, it seems, of things you could check off as things you’re both good at and like/might like. I think you could be happy with any profession where strategizing and wheeling and dealing play a big role (just let the lawyers do the unfun part, haha.) And you have to do no work here to “break in,” which is of course, in this economy, more significant than just convenience.

 

Still, I want to revisit a suggestion I gave you before. Maybe you even saw this coming, lol, but I want to return to the alternative discussed when you were getting cold feet about law school – journalism.

 

I think the best way to do this would be to innumerate the reasons I think journalism would be something to SERIOUSLY consider right now, the advantages, and so forth.

 

1. Striking while the iron is hot, as a grad student. You just got out of a grad program with almost no debt. But you WERE about to proceed with a grad program that was costly, so you were prepared for some debt. If you go to grad school at a college that has as good of a communications program as your law school was for law, you’ll be on top of the heap. All you have to do is switch your focus, and you’ll probably have less debt in the end than you projected with law school, because as all know, law school is notorious in this way, to be rivaled by none except med school. So financially, it’s quite do-able.

 

2. Timeliness of formal education. Transitioning into grad school to get your degree is easier now that it will ever be in your life. It’s not like you can’t do it later, if you ever want to. But now is prime, when you don’t have other life obligations in your way. This is a fertile window of time that does go away, as such.

 

3. It’s very versatile and portable. There are people who make their living just off blogging! Without an education! But you’re one step ahead to give yourself the extra credentials of school, and the experience of interning as you will in school (which leads to jobs). It doesn’t lock you in like law school would, or limit where you can practice or work. There are so many varied markets for journalists – print media, digital, tv…it’s really quite open, so good networking + good credentials = good opportunities with lots of possibility.

 

4. It uses your education up to this point. Now on this one, I’m not saying that anyone should go into something because it makes the past relevant. I believe people shouldn’t live on precedent for its own sake, where it comes to choosing your career. But in your case, you majored in poli sci and English. And as I see it, if you mate those two, what do you get? You’re right in line for journalism. It brings together the best of both of those. It’s a natural extension of merging those, at least as starters. In fact, all your strongest subjects and studies have prepared you for journalism. You were strong in your majors, and I don’t think it was just about being on law-track. I think those are subjects you’re drawn to and get into, naturally, which allow you to think analytically in a capacity that's most pleasurable. This is a different kind of analysis from reading spreadsheets, of course. It’s more abstract, verbal, and conceptual, but that leads into my next item.

 

5. It’s “you.” (god, that's cheesy, my apologies!) I really do think that while you could be a very good financial mess-cleaner-upper, and might even enjoy the challenges it presents, I see you shining in an area that is just what I said: strongly conceptual and creative in THAT sort of way. You can creatively problem-solve a financial problem, but that is a skill. And what you have are talents that reflect original thinking. You said you love talking to people, analysis, and writing – and this is the only career we’ve talked about here that satisfies all of those. You’d have maximal interaction with people in journalism. Your writing would of course be central. And the research and analysis you would do would rival both law and business. So it might top what business has to offer in terms of meeting/hitting all the criteria, and it would add something: you would be able to develop a voice and a style over time that is unique to you. There are financial gurus a dime a dozen, and as good as a good one is....there is only one PTH.

Of course, when starting out and in school, there is a lot of less exciting stuff you may deal with, and some journalism is “cookbook”, or less creative and more just straight, unimaginative reporting. But I think you can find a niche where you’re able to increase your own special persona and cover areas that especially interest you. I see you as someone who is not just interested in solving problems and strategizing, but having an expressive medium through which to achieve that. And I think you could go far in this field in that way. While you may not have a direct hand in changing things tangibly, your enjoyment of being a mover, an agitator, and an influence (with a ton of interactivity) would find a home here.

 

Basically, I’m saying, you’re the sort of person who could go past the “stock reporter” phase, get into things and even shake them up a bit. The field is extremely competitive, so that bill is filled, too.

 

The only drawback I can see is that your dad may not be connected to many people in this field, and I know that both in law and what you’re considering, that has played a key role in your considerations. But I’m not at all convinced you’d need that, once you were making all sorts of connections of your own through various channels and media.

 

I just see you as a person who is, above all, about “ideas”. Enjoying talking, thinking, and presenting ideas. And that’s what journalism revolves around.

 

Just look at your record here. I don’t know if any thread you’ve made here hasn’t earned you stars, usually 5. Haha, be a shame not to make something marketable of that.

 

There are so many resources on this, but check out these links, and see if nothing there rings the bell:

 

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Oh, and this is just something that I find pretty cool (I’ve heard this term before in journalism, and am enjoying learning more about it):

 

link removed

 

I know this is something you’d have to bring up to your dad (here we go… , and part of me thinks you won’t even give it a chance due to that, alone. I don’t know if this suggestion will get farther than your finishing reading this post before you shoot it down, and quite possibly, for all the reasons you’ve been driven to/against choices so far. Maybe you think your dad'll think this is some kind of hippie career? But this is your life, we’re talking (as you’ve said, yourself), and you were going to grad school anyway. So this could work, and you know, if in another few years you want to go back to the biz with your dad, it will always be there for you to return to. It’s not as easy to go the other direction, and it won’t seem as feasible as when you’re 23.

 

I would certainly research the field, communications schools that are reputable, and all the cost issues before presenting him with a proposal. And maybe you can establish a certain period of time you intern with him before you go to school again, if that would sweeten the pot at all.

 

Think about it at least? lol

[tiredofvampires]

Btw, that one link I posted from the Pew Research Center had this also on their site (don't know if you saw this page):

 

link removed

 

Just wanted to highlight that, because it's one of the best summaries I've ever read.

 

I like this clarification a lot:

 

Journalists rely on a professional discipline for verifying information. When the concept of objectivity originally evolved, it did not imply that journalists are free of bias. It called, rather, for a consistent method of testing information--a transparent approach to evidence--precisely so that personal and cultural biases would not undermine the accuracy of their work. The method is objective, not the journalist.

 

'k, over and out.

[ProtestTheHero]

I'm just going to give a brief response because there's not too much for me to say. If someone offered me a job in journalism right now I'd take it and I'm 99.9% sure I'd love it. My biggest hurdle right now with it is it feels too much like political science part 2 in the sense that monetizing it is very difficult...much more difficult than finding salaried work in finance. I don't want to be in a spot where I've got another degree I can't use. If I had some form of guarantee I'd do it, but life doesn't give us those luxuries. You're right, though...it is definitely "me."

[tiredofvampires]

Yeah, I understand that concern, and I thought that might be the dealbreaker for you.

 

I can see how you’d give up a secure future/life over something you see certain misery in, but you wouldn’t do that for something you can reasonably see yourself in, even if it's not some ideal.

 

It’s a rational, sensible choice. And I honestly have no bias except for overall life satisfaction and long-range fulfillment.

 

For sure, you’re not going to be financially as well-off in journalism, or as FAST as you’d be in finance and business. (Though unlike your dad, raising a family is not a cost burden that you need to be focused on in next few years.) Even though I think your chances of working your way up are good, you’re right -- it’s not a “lucrative” field, not until you hit a certain point. No one thinks of journalism and right away thinks, “cushy.” I think with your personality, plus interest and ability, you’d have a really good shot at it, but I can understand how none of this adds up to peace of mind and bets you’d like base your future on.

 

I do think though that it’s harder to find work related to political science that’s not confined to a career in academia. Political science is a bit like philosophy in that way. Journalism is more “hands-on”, and active. Based on my experience and observation combined. I think there are probably more working journalists that find jobs in the field and have more varied options after school than ivory tower theorists, a group to which political scientists belong.

 

Coming from a background in what is considered to be the biggest “luxury major” around, I can tell you that even though work ethic, ability, and even collegial recognition don’t guarantee financial stability, more of the people I knew who were die-hards are now either successful in a “comfortable living” way or successful in a “making money hand-over-fist way” than those who who have found it a useless study track. Did they need a supplemental “day job” to get there? Most of the time, yes. Some of them are still working some day job (which can be teaching) while shining in their career, where their greatest happiness and accolades are; some are working at their career in this field, full-time, with constant demand. I think being in this field qualifies me to speak about “majors that are pie-in-the-sky” better even than a journalism student, lol. And what I can tell you FACTUALLY is that the most talented, gung-ho, and hungry students made it. I'm not being rosy here. You might say by hook or by crook, and what else was sacrificed, but they did. The people who I know that no longer have any of their income coming from their study in art either didn’t have the fire (and it was more an interest than a passion), didn’t pound the pavement/sell themselves (what your dad does)/network/put themselves out there hard enough, weren’t willing to do supplemental jobs to keep all balls in the air, or had some other intervening issues that disrupted their career path (I fall into the last category, though I have had considerable success/received recognition relative to my challenges.) And this is even in a field where CRUDE ABILITY doesn’t even have some objective standard that must be met, either, as it does in journalism, since it’s a marvel what in art can and does turn heads (meaning, this is so competitive, anyone could beat you out if they were dogged enough, knew enough people, schmoozed enough, and adapted their lives enough, talent level be damned; something you wouldn’t be up against in journalism).

 

So I think there is a 50:50 proportion of realism that I, myself, apply to thinking about what I can afford to do. For some people that is more like 30 or . I would not personally feel okay about that. And some people (I think, maybe you), feel their setpoint of comfort is more like 70:30, or 80:20.

 

I guess I was thinking along the lines of having the journalism degree with the hopes that it will pan out and the mind to seek it out, but to have the finance skillset as a back-up, much like the day job scenario I described above. That would be until you could make an entire income just with what you love and what is most “you.” But you’d have the requisite training, experience in the field, leads, credentials, and internships, it wouldn’t just be like some entrepreneur hanging out a shingle on nothing. So it would evolve to the point where what you like to do most is sustaining and sufficient (at minimum), even if your first jobs were more modest. And instead of supplementing yourself with min-wage jobs, what you’re doing now would be a much cushier “supplement”/day job. This being the WORSE of case scenarios.

 

And then by that time, you will have interned with Bill Maher, and when he retires, you’ll just take over the show.

 

This sounds feasible to me. But it’d have to sound feasible to you, and if you’re envisioning this current field/path being both tolerable and sustainable, then that might be a good enough definition of happy for you to stand on. And it sounds like you’re wanting to just work now and don’t like the idea of more school. (ha, yeah, no one’s just going to hand you a journalism job the way you’ve been handed this job.) Just as long as you are balancing out short- and long-range gratification considerations without any sort of "blinding" overlays that have propelled you into the wrong choice in the past.

 

And then you can hang out your shingle anyway, just for fun, and see where it leads. If you ever so are inclined.

 

I remember your once saying in a journal (I don’t think it was this one, was it?) that you feel in some ways like you haven’t done your time, like your dad, building up “the American Dream.” That in this second-generation-to-wealth way, you can’t climb up. This was upsetting to you. So if you ever decide you want to try that route, well, the posts are here to revisit if bungee jumping with your life ever seems more attractive, lol.

 

I can’t help but want to share something someone here wrote to me, privately. Someone whom I don’t know too well, but who posts in a level-headed and real, down-to-earth way (my favorite kind). I wish I could credit them, but as I’m not sure I’m authorized to do that, lol, I’ll just say it’s too good to keep to myself, and I can’t take the credit for it. I was thinking about your post when this person wrote this to me, as a response to my own journey…and the uncanniness was too funny. It’s a bit of a rejoinder to the “life doesn’t give us those luxuries” philosophy, as much as I get that viewpoint.

 

To be honest, I hate the word realistic and I think we should all embrace being unrealistic at times in order to achieve what we want. It is not realistic to become a rock star or an actor, however people of all walks of life do in fact become rock stars and actors. Is it realistic to flip a switch and have a light come on? Not just a light, but one fueled by electricity? No, that is not realistic at all, but thankfully Nikola Tesla didn't agree with that and he MADE IT realistic.

 

Anyway, I know you’ve got your sights set on a path, but I think it was worth running my mouth a bit on the off chance. hehe

[ProtestTheHero]

The thing that made it even easier to run from law once I realized it wasn't for me was the fact that this is not even a secure field in this day and age. I know plenty of business owners telling people not to send their kids to law school because the world doesn't need more lawyers. Even at my school people were scared. It's one thing to take risks for something you love and another thing entirely to do it for something you don't.

 

I can't risk scraping by to chase a dream. I did talk a lot about wanting to try to make it out on my own...to live the American Dream. I said those things before I realized that in this economy the American Dream is dead, and it might be gone for good. No one can afford to shirk opportunities just because they're unearned or undeserved.

[tiredofvampires]

The fear about going to law school I think isn't so much about how little the world needs more lawyers (though I know that's a common way of speaking), as the price tag to get to the goal weighed out with the level of competition. I think the kind of lawyer you would have been, the world needs more of. In fact, the world MOST needs exceptional examples in fields that are glutted to the gills with examples of things the world doesn't need more of.

 

So you see I understand your point, but I'm also saying, it's a matter of how you're viewing this, too. I think the phrase, "chasing a dream" is highly loaded. First of all, it's so blanketly pejorative, it could be and IS tacked to virtually anything outside of money-driven professions, in fiscally conservative-minded circles. So, there's a myopia there, which is reflected in that kind of language. It's milieu-based. For this demographic, it's a perjorative phrase of Biblical proportions that gets deeply internalized, and in fact, I think there's almost a conceptual Economic Bible in these fields. It's not that they're looking at fiction as fact, so much as that the facts are being seen through a particular lens.

 

Second, if you break the meaning of it down, anything from wanting to make it in the circus to going to law school could EQUALLY be called chasing a dream, because in both cases, someone really has a passion and a vision that is so strong, they're willing to take the risk of not succeeding, which is possible in either scenario. So maybe the only thing that separated your law school cohorts from street juggling was the price tag, then. Which is a point for street juggling. Despite this actual "edge", fiscal conservatives will laugh at the circus, because it doesn't have the status. At least if you're going to play roulette with your life or your kids' lives, make it roulette that you can boast about at parties. And that's why there are still thousands of law students who will continue on despite paranoia, and parents that will endorse the decision despite discomfort. (Incidentally, I did watch a documentary about young people in a circus -- here in America -- and I would guess that, based on their stories, they were living with less fear, even though not living as predictable a life, than your ex-classmates.) I'm making the point that somewhere along the way, one's state of mind in terms of success, when you listen to the chant about "this economy" gets relegated to complete irrelevancy, and that's as much a mistake as imagining you have limitless power to make things happen.

 

The point is, if you're talking about going for the guarantees (and avoiding the non-guarantees), life is never going to give you those. I know you know this, but this needs to be brought home. You talked about there being no guarantees with journalism and that thinking of such would be a luxury, but the fact of the matter is that since guarantee does not exist, after that, what you're left with is taking chances on success (and failure) that are as closely commensurate with your innate aptitudes, level of desire/passion, and work ethic as you can determine.

Certainly, you can legitimately speak of the comparativeness of "degree" of riskiness in the world. It's riskier to sky dive than to horseback ride, even though both carry risk. But I think making such choices work for you is more about your own personal priorities and values in life than about the inherent worldly risks that exist. Extrapolating from this analogy to career choices, I think you see some "objective reality" about the way life is/is not set up that's more rigid than what actually exists, and what is even viable.

 

If we were all to follow the model you speak of, everyone would have to become a businessperson, because that's the only stable choice. Does the world -- RIGHT NOW -- need more financial consultants? Just based on personal acquaintanceship and anecdote, I know about 200 people in business-related fields to every lawyer, put very conservatively. So if you just look at raw numbers and proportionality, I'd hardly think the world needs another one -- and especially in this economy, ironically, which has produced an enormous supply to meet the demand of everyone scrambling for a financial advisor. And I'm pretty sure that in some markets, like D.C., you'd literally have to slit someone else's throat to muscle your way in. So where you're practicing has something to do with it, too.

 

So what would a world look like where no one took the chance to do/be what you aren't doing, for the stability factor? Just imagine that.

 

Who has job security now? I've seen enough programs about 6-figure business owners or their employees now on food stamps, to know that the danger to everyone is real, and accross-the-board. One of the people in this position was an architect, of all things. Who the hell would think an architect at a stable firm would have to sell her house and be on food stamps? If that can happen, anything can, and I don't think architecture is one of those highly saturated markets anywhere you go, like law or finance. Volatility is everywhere. I know you know this, but you speak as though some fields are more immune, and I think that's only very generally and superficially so. What I think is working most in your favor is not the field itself -- it's that you have a DIRECT connection that is rock-solid, and with the prestige and respectability of that connection already built in, a lot of the instability of unknowns are taken out of the equation. (Though of course, you proving yourself to be an apple not falling far from the tree will certainly be as important.)

 

What does the world need more of? Does the world need more doctors? IT specialists? Stock brokers? Bankers? Pharmaceutical representatives? Real estate agents (especially here, lol, yet every other person I know at least knows someone in real estate, if they're not in it themselves)? Why do I think not? And yet, people will continue to flock to these fields, have clients, and make more money than most people can shake a stick at.

 

So okay, the world doesn't need more of those, but we're gonna churn 'em out anyway. So, still looking for what the world needs more of. Maybe it's farmers, fisherman, water treatment engineers, adult psychologists, optometrists, restraunteurs, car mechanics, pharmacists? You know, respectable jobs, but none commanding the Big Bucks. Mm, no short supply there. Lots of demand, but also lots of supply.

 

So maybe, if you're looking at what the world needs more of in terms of market saturation, the world needs more of what my good friend's daughter (age 27) is going into: she's living in Boston, so one of the highest cost-of-living places anywhere. And she's in an exclusive wine school, hoping to become something like a sommelier. Her tests are graded in London. It's a male-dominated field, too. Somehow, she makes enough money with her day job to pursue this, and has impressed enough people that it looks like she'll have connections as a wine expert. My cousin, who was brought up playing the violin and piano classically, is living in an even tougher and costlier city: NY. And combing her teaching kids about mythology and music in schools, touring with her Eastern European folk music band, and doing private piano lessons, she and her long-term boyfriend, who shares the same musical career track as she does, they are able to live very comfortably, travel, and want to have a family (though it's probably too late for that, for her, biologically; and their house, she did get lucky about, because dad bought it.) I don't personally know anyone in ornithology, but that doesn't seem to be a niche that too many people are filling, either, so maybe that's something. There are bird refuges in operation that care about the extinction of wild species, which is a real problem that continues to need oversight, and while that doesn't guarantee anything either, if you live for wildlife...it would be quite sad to have to get into accounting just so that you're not fool enough to "chase a dream".

 

How do your prospects of landing a job somewhere in the media, with a journalism degree in hand, stack up compared to some of these? Pretty well, I'd say.

 

What does the world need more of? It's a bit of an open-ended question, because in some ways, my answer is neither here nor there: "Everything and nothing." My own personal view is that the world needs more of everyone...and no one. Depending on who you are and what you do with yourself. And I can see how in this economy, that's outside-the-box enough thinking that it'd be ridiculed. But I think it's still true. There's a lot of fear-mongering out there that eclipses the other truths to support its paradigm.

 

I was watching this program last night, about some controversial educational incentives among the poorest in this country. In Memphis, an appalling 25% of families are in abject poverty, and largely due to high school dropout rate. So getting back to the question of location, I don't think the world of Memphis needs more people who are advising about how to wisely invest in the market. The world of Memphis needs more teachers, social workers, healthcare workers, and juvenile counselors. But that's not just Memphis. That's everywhere. The world needs something that will stop a person from growing up, walking into a school full of children, and mass-murdering everyone they can and then turning the gun on themselves.

 

But no one's going to hand you a token of guarantee, security, and job stability there. In fact, those are the lowest-paying, least stable jobs. What the world needs most of, it's going to be getting the least of, for a long, long time, and that's probably going to get even worse.

 

So you can go into what the world needs more of, but it's your passion, and pray hard.

 

Or you can go into what the world doesn't need more of, but it's your passion, and pray.

 

Or you can go into what the world doesn't need more of, which you're lukewarm about or just okay with, because you can pray less than the others.

 

OR...you can dump the whole idea that the world doesn't need or needs something one way or the other, and just go into what suits your own life variables/circumstances best, and what you're willing to work at most, and base that decision on a balancing of your values and priorities that are very individual to YOU. And hopefully, happiness will be in the top ranking for you, no matter what you choose and who you are, because unhappiness is not only emotionally irresponsible, it's eventually fiscally irresponsible (as unhappiness and its fallout affects every aspect of one's life).

 

I personally am acutely aware of the fact each day that I have this one life to live, only. So while safety is important, and security lays some important groundwork for thriving, and therefore happiness, it's not the PURPOSE.

 

As for your opportunities, I don't classify them as unearned or undeserved. Like I've said, everyone is equally prone to luck in this world. Starting at birth. Even though one might have its advantage, it’s not an unfair one, unless used unfairly. In your case, it has fallen in your favor. And it would be unwise not to take advantage of luck when it presents. On the other hand, I believe it would be unwise to take advantage of it only for the reason that it's there, if this is not something that would ultimately take you to a place that provides both security and a satisfactory level of fulfillment in the sense of purpose. Especially, for YOU, because struggling for purpose is something that for you, involves more internal strife and leads to more undesirable consequences than for some others. Some people, because of a bad stroke of luck, starting at birth, do not have THAT luxury: to be able to seek purpose in what they do for money. But you have the opportunity and the good fortune (given the "unearned" assets of talent and traits), I believe, to hope for both criteria (reasonable security + purpose fulfillment) to be met in your life. At least in part by your profession.

 

You should use everything at your disposal, without apology, but with gratitude and also....circumspection.

 

I don't know if the American Dream is dead and gone. But what I believe is never dead and gone is this: life is what you make of it. It is a one-size-fits-all much more deep (and somewhat vexing) existential truism that will never cease to be true.

[ProtestTheHero]

45 minutes. I hope the Mayans were right.

[tiredofvampires]

Except that the Mayans only were predicting the end of an ERA:

 

 

The ancient people measured time in cycles called "baktuns" of 394 years each, and the winter solstice due Friday marks the end of the 13th baktun. Some who study the calendar say the date for the end of the period is not Friday but actually Sunday.

 

The calendar is based on the position of the heavenly bodies - the sun, the moon and the stars - and was meant to tell the Mayan people about agricultural and economic trends, says archeologist Alfredo Barrera...

 

The hubbub about a calamity occurring comes from a Mayan wood carving, called monument 6, made in 700 A.D., which predicts a major event at the end of this baktun, Barrera said. But half of the broken tablet is missing, so one may only speculate on what the complete message may be.

 

Whatever the message, it's not about the end of the world, Barrera said.

 

"We don't have a prophecy or inscription related to the finish of the world. It just mentioned a deity."

 

In Merida, Mayan priest Valerio Canche carries out an ancient ritual to honor the dead in light of the upcoming end of the 13th baktun.

 

"It is considered the closure of the great cycle of Mayan time," he says. "But, of course, the cycle (14th baktun) begins the following day. For the Mayans, it's not the end of the world."

 

If you are reading this on Friday, you'd better read this fast. If it's Saturday, and no major calamity has occurred, then relax and go celebrate the beginning of the 14th baktun with the Mayans.

-- A credible news affiliate with the NBC peacock logo on top

 

 

 

Noooooooooooooooooo!! I share your pain!!!!! ~4:15 and it's back to baktuns as usual....

 

But they still said a "major event" right? So, what about that!?

 

There's still a chance!!!

 

 

"It's an era. We are lucky to see how it ends," says wood carver Santos Esteban in Yaxuna, a sleepy village of fewer than 700 Mayans, located in a territory that once belonged to the ancient kingdom founded around 2000 B.C.

 

He feels it is a momentous occasion and is looking forward to the start of the new era. He is not afraid.

 

"Lots of people say it's the end of the world, but we don't believe that," he said.

 

People in his village will keep living much as they have, preferring hand-built, palm thatch huts to concrete buildings and baking tortillas on an open flame.

-- Ibid.

 

 

MAYBE....the giant event is that you will go to Yaxuna to live out the rest of your days doing just that.

 

I don't know how "sleepy" it'll be after that, but maybe that's part of the missing tablet.

[ProtestTheHero]

lol...damn. Why can't the world ever deliver on apocalyptic promises? It's starting to become one big tease.

[ProtestTheHero]

This song has permanently f'd me up. I think that means it's good.

[ProtestTheHero]

Yep, I did, and nope, I haven't heard that yet so I'm glad you took the time to post it. I've listened to that probably 40 times since I checked my journal today. I like 2pac a lot...both for his music and for his unending contradictions. Sometimes I feel like a series of contradictions so in that way I feel I can relate to some of it...to self-identifying and feeling things at different times that can't properly coexist in one person.

 

Contradiction would be a step up for me at this point because lately all I've been feeling is the same thing. I'm in a new city now. I left law school even though I was doing well because I hated it. Now I'm in a city in WV with potential for advancement. I like the job more and the aspects of the job are all fine.

 

I've just had a hard time acclimating to all of this.

 

I've been here for months and outside of work I don't really have friends. I only have a couple of co-workers that are around my age but they are married with kids. That life is a different life from the one a single 23 year old has I guess. I've got nothing but beer and soda in my fridge, lol. They don't have time to hit up spots with me, they have to be fathers and husbands.

 

Life is just a difficult thing. I did well in school. I kind of laughed when people talked about high school or college being the point where their lives peaked because I knew I was building up to something. Now it just feels like my blocks were made of sand and the tide has come in. I'm stranded with no foundation and all I do is work 5-6 days a week and come to my apartment. Sometimes I'll just be sitting and listening to the same song over and over and thinking about things and the next thing I know it's midnight.

 

My coworkers tell me that if I want to meet people I should go to church. I haven't been to church in 4+ years. I never planned on going back. I grew up in a religious environment and I dealt with some of the backlash involved once I decided that it wasn't for me. Now people think that I've come back to WV, where all of my family + family friends live, and they think this is destiny. They think it's part of the plan...to be around Christians concerned with my well-being so that I'll revisit my faith. I won't go back to church. Eventually, and maybe it will take months or a year, they will figure that out and give up on it. They try to lure me with the concept of trying to set me up with some nice, cute church girl since they all know everyone and an introduction would be easy. The problem is that nice, church girls don't really know what to do with me and I don't really have much to say to them. It's not that I'm a bad person or some deviant sex addict -- I've never pressured anyone that wanted to wait into doing anything sexual. I just don't want to go to a service and then eat dinner with some family that asks me a bunch of questions. Then I have to tell my life story again and that story sucks.

 

I'm getting older and becoming more exposed to social interaction outside of college campuses and it's mostly just sad and disappointing. I go to a bar and make an instant U-turn out the door when I realize there's just a bunch of 50 year old men complaining about life. I'll go to a different one with live music only for a bunch of 45+ year old women to come stumbling over to me, pulling my hands so that I'll get up off a stool and dance with them. I blow them off and they tell me I'm no fun. I tell them they are a year younger than my mom. I get frustrated and ask some random guy where I can go to meet girls around my age and he says "church."

 

Great.

 

Maybe I peaked in college, too.

 

[video=youtube;fSX13jgRxI4] ]

[LikeWater]

Hey man,

 

I can relate to a lot of what you just said, all except the moving back home part. I've been where I'm at all my life. But the religious aspects... I can totally relate to that. My dad's family is EXTREMELY religious, and I'm not a person of faith whatsoever, so I just don't click with their lifestyle at all. I'm a coward, though, and haven't told them that I don't believe in the same things they do. I just make excuses on why I can't or won't go to church with them.

 

I couldn't be in a relationship with someone who was Christian either. Maybe Buddhist, because I kind of dig their beliefs more, but not a Christian. We just wouldn't mesh, and I'd imagine if I was with someone who was a devoted person of faith it would just cause a lot of conflict within the relationship. I just imagine she'd always be trying to change me -- to convince me of her beliefs. Begging me to come to church with her. Asking me how I can go through my life without believing in God. Stuff like that. Not to mention that I don't even want to get married, and that would be an especially big deal to a religious person, I'd imagine. It's already a big enough deal to most girls, so I feel that my chances of finding true love are pretty damn slim. But that's a topic all on its own and we don't need to discuss that in your journal. I just wanted to tell you I can relate.

 

You'll get settled and acclimated to the new environment soon enough. I'm sure WV has people of your mindset as well, they'll just be a little harder to find.

 

Life is just a difficult thing.

 

Ah, truer words were never spoken. I'm 24 years old and feel completely stuck in a life and environment that I just don't seem to fit in. I really feel like I'm supposed to be doing so much more, I just can't seem to find the right way to achieve it. And the biggest problem is I don't have a clue what "it" is. Maybe I'm just ignorant and naive and this life is mine and I better find a way to accept it. That just seems so crummy and honestly, I'd rather die than to live like this for another 40 years or whatever. I don't know. Perhaps I'll be a late bloomer, or maybe my flower just isn't meant to blossom. Only time will tell.

 

Anyhoo, I hope you don't mind me posting all that here. We're just at similar points in our lives and I wanted you to know that I feel ya. I'm glad you liked the song, by the way. I thought the mash-up was really well done and for some reason I just had the suspicion that you'd enjoy it.

 

Take it easy. You'll find your path, I'm sure.

[tiredofvampires]

Speaking of playing things again and again...

 

That song you just posted is FRICKEN AMAZING. Most definitely, definitely my cup of tea. The whole thing is great, with the kind of contrasts I really am drawn to, but there's this one 10 second interlude that I'm not kidding you made the whole back-of-my-neck hairs stand on end. He does this transition between 3:29-3:39 that I just played like a dozen times in a row, just that spot, to hear him transition from the softer, whispery tone to what he does after that. And each time, my neck hairs did that thing again. His voice at the end of that, it doesn't get any better for me (perfect example of "good high" voice). 10 out of 10.

 

If all their stuff is like that, winner.

 

You know what, I had this wild thought. Since your fridge is empty, why don't you get a bunch of stuff and make a souffle. lol, I'm being kinda silly, but kinda not. Cooking is something that doesn't require a lot of thinking (so, it gives your head a break), you're just doing stuff with your hands, and at some point it starts to smell good and you feel like you accomplished something when it's done. AND you never know when one day it could come in handy. You'll make it for someone and she'll go, "Omg, omg, this is AMBROSIA!!! WHERE did you learn to cook like this?" with that "taken" look on her face women get when they see their guy has a secret kitchen thumb.

 

And you'll just smile.

[ProtestTheHero]

I welcome all posts in my journal. It's nice to know that someone can identify with where I'm at and where I'm coming from. I've told people I'll never get married. My boss says "I'm too good of a guy for that to be the case..." (he doesn't know me well enough, lol) and my family just says things like "I can't wait until that girl that sweeps you off your feet comes along." I know that it's probably not doing much good in terms of wooing Christian girls, lol.

 

My thing is that I don't know if I'm capable of learning to accept anything that seems sub-par, you know? Acceptance almost feels like resigning to a state of affairs and I guess I'd rather punish myself striving towards something than try to tackle the impossible task of finding peace in accepting situations.

 

I think the "religions" of the Far East make the most sense in terms of outlining how we should treat each other. I guess I just can't evaluate myself through that same lens...I like beating myself up too much.

 

Maybe we'll both stumble into something decent.

[ProtestTheHero]

It's the reason why that album is my sig line. That album punches me in the face every time I listen to it.

[tiredofvampires]

My thing is that I don't know if I'm capable of learning to accept anything that seems sub-par, you know? Acceptance almost feels like resigning to a state of affairs and I guess I'd rather punish myself striving towards something than try to tackle the impossible task of finding peace in accepting situations.

 

This summarizes rather well the story of my life in a nutshell.

 

In all honesty, this is a lifelong struggle. I'm still working on it. I sometimes make quantum leaps, and sometimes feel I'm regressing. But I'm further along than I used to be, and I've had some very hard "teachers" along the way in the form of life events and situations that MADE (and make, present tense) me have to confront this spiritual challenge. And I do believe SKILLFUL acceptance of life is a spiritual challenge of the highest order.

 

I do know now that it's not impossible. Not at all. Very, very hard? Yes. But possible.

 

The fact that you're taking it up here is already, believe it or not, a sign of advancement of awareness. Which is the journey begun.

 

What I've come to find is that acceptance and resignation are not synonymous -- resignation and complacency are.

 

I had to dig a little deeper into what this was about. I grappled for a long time even with the word "peace." Peace I associated with death -- death being the ultimate forced resignation. Peace had to do with grinding to a halt as I saw it, and I wanted nothing to do with that. So clearly that involved a lot of fear -- fear of what, though? What it came down to, at least partially (since none of these issues is has a one-answer, linear course to *enlightenment*) is that I did not trust myself or life. I believe all non-acceptance comes out of this -- trusting being essential to acceptance. Those don't sound connected, but I'll try to explain.

 

The only way I could conceive of meeting my standards was through the illusion of self-discipline that self-punishment created. (I'm talking here about the self-punishment of striving in a merciless way, not the type of punishment that is just sheer self-abnegation and loathing.) Letting things just be and seeing where that might lead me -- having accepted the situation as it was at the given time -- made me feel out of control, both of myself and life. Punishing myself was a form of maintaining a sense of control over everything -- myself, my outcome, my life -- if I lost that, I'd lose my will to self-determination, the upper hand. Maybe even my identity. And then it would no longer be up to me, and I'd be trapped by circumstances. And those would then define me (big, scary, ugly prospect). So this whole thing, the orchestration of all that I felt compelled to think, including the self-punishment, was somehow the lesser evil than feeling I was at life's mercy . It propped up the impression of arming myself against that.

 

Acceptance asks you to abandon that impression. What was/is so threatening about the idea of acceptance is that you're having to admit it's not all under your control anymore. Moving from there into a mistaken view of it, it really comes down to feeling defeated. And who wants to accept defeat?

 

But here's the deal, in any given situation, there are things that are, it's true, out of your control to change; and there are things that you can either change or plan on changing. You can even start by making non-tangible changes, such as the way you frame the pros and cons of a situation, thinking about how it can serve you or evolve. So while there may be things you have to respect for being as they are (ACCEPTANCE), you don't have to see the situation as something static or eternal, where you're bereft of any further development or forward movement (DEFEAT, RESIGNATION). You don't have to accept that everything in a situation is fixed as is, to accept it right now. And right now is truly the only moment you're living in. You will never be living in any other.

 

This moment (a moment being the microcosm of a situation) is not representative of "you". It's not representative of any other moment. It's not representative of the past or future. It's not representative of anything but this one moment, and all that matters is what you are thinking and doing with the potential that is THIS moment. That's where your power lies. All the rest is what it's going to be, and releasing yourself from trying to manipulate the unmanipulatable is an enormous relief.

 

There is real...I'll use the word grace, as I think it fits best...grace in letting go of a false sense of control over something you are not in control of. Once you see that very clearly -- and it's really quite shocking at first -- you realize how senseless and foolish it is to try make it other than what it is, let alone take it out on yourself!

 

But to avoid falling into a sense of defeatism and resignation, you have to keep open to anything new about the situation. That's what I mean by not becoming complacent. Acceptance means respecting the givens without resistance, it does NOT mean abandoning all effort, giving yourself over to emotional/personal/mental stagnation, or giving up on exploring yourself and what the situation can offer.

 

Right now, you're confusing acceptance with a decline into all these other things -- stagnation, complacency, etc. And, this being such a frightful prospect to you, making an effort to you crosses over into self-harm, as a compensatory mechanism. It's like if you whip yourself enough, you'll shake off the possibility of something dissolute like this even happening.

 

And this is where what I said about trusting life and yourself comes in. You have to trust that it is in your nature to strive for what CAN be done. It is in your nature to do your best, to do what is in your power to do. And, you have to trust life to throw you not just unexpected bad curve balls (or fast balls, whatever the proper baseball terminology) -- but that life has a way of also throwing you unexpected variables that are good, that then you can enlist as part of a new development. This is always happening, you don't even have to ask for it. Life is not always under our control, and that usually feels terrifying. But the truth is, sometimes the things we didn't see happening, that are not under our control, also bring fertile opportunities that we didn't ask for either. I've learned to trust life more to give me new chances, whereas my usual way of operating throughout my life was to see closed doors.

 

Life is brutal -- but it does give you chance after chance to step up to the plate, and that is its benevolent side. So accepting what is being thrown at you while continuing to trust in your own judgment, your standards, your innate nature to want to be something of quality, and above all, your capacity to keep refining your decisions to suit the givens, will help you start accepting situations without feeling that undermines everything you're about.

 

You may feel confident in a very narrow sense of the word about some things you can do; but you don't trust yourself. That is something worth consciously working to develop. Trust...placing a sense of faith in yourself to do your best, without the need to punish your way to the proof.

 

Trust in life, which deals the cards in such a way that you can nearly always make a bad hand better if you keep playing.

[ProtestTheHero]

I just think that for me peace is an illusion...a mirage. The idea of it is a cold drink of water after trekking through the desert for so long, but in reality it's just fluff. It's inflated by the meaning we give it in these abstract discussions but it cannot be realized in my world.

 

Acceptance is more tangible but it's equally difficult, and that difficulty is a product of a hard streak of self-loathing. I never understood the concept of cutting and I thought it was emo BS, but in all honesty I think that's pretty much my relationship with alcohol. I hurt myself to feel better...it's basically the same thing.

 

It's just getting so hard for me. My life tastes like bile. I try to occupy myself with work but I can't escape how empty the rest of it is. I just want to play a different game. I want a different poker hand. I just don't want to be PTH anymore. Someone else take over.

[tiredofvampires]

I'm so sorry *this* so deeply has its talons in you, PTH. I hate that you feel this way. There is so much more for you, so much more possibility than this narrow spectrum of experiences you're dealing with now. I think there IS a way to higher ground, but the question is, will you allow yourself to go there.

 

Will you give yourself permission to think outside the box that is now crushing you like a coffin, just to sustain its own walls? And I believe that is what it's going to take.

 

And now I'm thinking of that scene in Kill Bill -- have you seen it? Where she's buried alive. But SHE has to punch her way out. One of my favorite movie scenes of all time. Not because it's just a great action/thriller scene. But more because of what it symbolically means to me.

 

I'm sure not selling fluffy abstractions. I will tell you that I had absolutely no experiential reference point for or concept of peace at 23. And I've never met a single person who has been or is 23 that has that down, either. So you're not lagging behind any curve with that.

 

I can say that a coupla decades on me from that point -- I do have experiences now that inform me when I say it's possible. It's something that has more meaning to me than "happiness," which is far more slippery and vague. But I don't think it's worthwhile to talk about "achieving peace," because that sets it up as some kind of promised land of the mind where you will forever after abide. That's not how it works, at least in my experiences and from what I have seen with others. It's a process, not a product. (And I'll add, being as product-oriented as you are, this concept of process itself makes anything that's process-oriented harder to relate to.) I think you know what process feels like, what it's like to see things evolve over time and consolidate from rudiments; but that's applicable only to things you're already familiar with having come through and doesn't translate well into uncharted waters.

 

But even now, if someone were to ask me how long I've felt something I might identify as "peace"...continuously? I'd be giving myself too much credit to say even 24 hours. So we're talking about a light that's more like a strobe light -- with hours, days, weeks or even months in between flashes. Hard to dance to that kind of thing.

 

What's good about these flashes though is that they make returning to them just a bit easier, because like anything else you've done once or more, it becomes more familiar a feeling and when you return to it, the imprint stays with you longer. Also, you can better recreate what got you to that feeling, and it can be more deliberate a thinking process that shortcuts through a lot of the meandering, dead ends, and stumbling.

 

This is something you can hope for in your life. How can I assert that? Because you are a person and it's actually possible for every person. Except when serious chemical imbalances are causing too much interference on the line. And I think that's partly happening now with you (which is a pre-thought issue, as it's molecular), which is deepening this vicious cycle.

 

To be honest, as much as I've spoken to people who cut, and I understand intellectually what it's about, this is one (of very few) kind of mechanism I don't find a close enough approximation to in my life to understand fully. I have certainly done self-destructive things -- both consciously and unconsciously. But they always made me feel even more destructive or awful, as if I were begetting even more of the same. So I don't know what the "feeling better" or feeling relieved is about. I have never felt better after hurting myself. If you feel like explaining, I'd be really interested. What's going on in your head (or body, or both) that feels better -- as a thought, a feeling, whatever? I mean, does it have a script and if so, how does it read, if it were written out? I've always wanted to ask this, but I think you might be able to put words to it better than some others whom I've talked to.

 

When you say, "acceptance is more tangible," what do you mean by that? Is that something you've experienced?

[tiredofvampires]

Also...

 

This really needs a post of its own.

 

As I've said, I believe you're suffering from serious chemical depression. I know, I know. I'm not a doctor, we're not doctors here, and all that jazz. But I KNOW you are clinically depressed. When I was going through the kinds of things you're going through (and even less severe), my therapists told me I was clinically depressed. And the alcohol is exacerbating that, which propels you to do more of it, so like I said, vicious cycle.

 

A part of you HAS to stand outside this, recognize that it's happening, and break in from an outside vantage point.

 

I'm assuming you have medical coverage at your job.

 

How would you feel about breaking into this cycle by getting to a psychiatrist who can evaluate you for depression and give you some legit meds so that you're not using your own, which is killing you, eradicating a future, and actually making your immediate suffering 5000x worse?

 

It doesn't have to be forever. It's just so you can give yourself a break long enough to keep from sinking deeper into the quicksand. Which will then allow you to actually work towards something resembling problem-solving with a more stable brain.

 

You need to stem the flow.

[ProtestTheHero]

I don't have health insurance or any type of coverage and I don't anticipate that changing for quite some time. I also probably wouldn't take medication. I will figure out how to fix things eventually.

[tiredofvampires]

I also probably wouldn't take medication.

 

Why?

 

10characterssinceIamapersonoffewwords

[ProtestTheHero]

Because that would mean I'd be admitting that I couldn't do it on my own.