sandrawg Posted January 25, 2012 Share Posted January 25, 2012 So my bf who just broke up with me yesterday, said he wanted to "just be friends" and he wasn't "feeling it"...told my friends that I'm madly in love w him and he doesn't feel the same. Funny, since..he pursued me. He's the one who wanted a relationship. He had me meet his family. He told me on New Year's (and actually a separate time) "I'm falling in love with you"... Now 3 weeks later, after I sent him a love letter I thought he'd appreciate, he's breaking up w me wanting to be "friends" (I REFUSED). Has this ever happened to any of you? I can only think he was lying to me and leading me on. People's feelings don't change in 3 wks. Link to comment
JA0371 Posted January 25, 2012 Share Posted January 25, 2012 Sounds like a commitmentphobic. They always come on strong in the beginning then it ends as fast as it began..sad but true. Link to comment
sandrawg Posted January 25, 2012 Author Share Posted January 25, 2012 Yeah, funny because, his last rel'ship was an LDR where the girl was never around. I think that kind of thing suits him because he never has to be accountable, and can just do what he pleases. Link to comment
pl3asehelp Posted January 25, 2012 Share Posted January 25, 2012 He could be immature and not know what love is or just wanted to have sex with you and told you what he thought you needed to hear to get that to happen. Pursuing someone during dating does not mean you are in love with them - it just means you're interested in getting to know them further. Link to comment
sandrawg Posted January 25, 2012 Author Share Posted January 25, 2012 I don't think you read the entire post? He said he was falling in love with me, a couple of times. Introduced me to his family. We got very close--he was the one who wanted a relationship. We were exclusive for a few months. He could be immature and not know what love is or just wanted to have sex with you and told you what he thought you needed to hear to get that to happen. Pursuing someone during dating does not mean you are in love with them - it just means you're interested in getting to know them further. Link to comment
Furbys Posted January 25, 2012 Share Posted January 25, 2012 I don't think you read the entire post? He said he was falling in love with me, a couple of times. Introduced me to his family. We got very close--he was the one who wanted a relationship. We were exclusive for a few months. He said he was falling in love with you because it was going to keep you sweet and hanging around. It doesnt matter if you met his parents, i met someones parents soon after i met a guy but it didnt mean anything i just met some new people. I dont think he wants to commit to you, i think he would rather go and play the field. Link to comment
Huntress0527 Posted January 25, 2012 Share Posted January 25, 2012 He said he was falling in love with you because it was going to keep you sweet and hanging around. It doesnt matter if you met his parents, i met someones parents soon after i met a guy but it didnt mean anything i just met some new people. I dont think he wants to commit to you, i think he would rather go and play the field. I agree. His actions spoke louder than his words. Link to comment
FathomFear Posted January 25, 2012 Share Posted January 25, 2012 He said he was falling in love with you because it was going to keep you sweet and hanging around. It doesnt matter if you met his parents, i met someones parents soon after i met a guy but it didnt mean anything i just met some new people. I dont think he wants to commit to you, i think he would rather go and play the field. Meh, this is the most pessimistic explanation. While it certainly might be the truth, it's also possible he just had a realization/epiphany that the OP just isn't the right person from him. Hard to say really. In any case, you can't really "Refuse" breaking up. That decision is up to the individual. I would just count yourself lucky that it didn't drag on for longer. Link to comment
theface71 Posted January 25, 2012 Share Posted January 25, 2012 Whether it is 3 weeks or 3 years people get led on all the time. I was led on for almost the last 6 months of my 3 year relationship. Even towards the end there was still talk about marriage and kids on her part which I wanted too. I bought into the future she was selling. Even bought an engagement ring the week before the boom was lowered. My mutual friends of the ex knew I was being led on but I didn't. Some people build a fanatasy in their head but eventually they do a reality check and they change their minds. As I have said before people treat each other like disposable everyday products. It is a harsh reality of life I have noticed lately. Link to comment
jjcool00 Posted January 25, 2012 Share Posted January 25, 2012 Could always be the classic "chase." Was fun to chase but then once he got the maximum he could out of the "relationship" the challenge was over. There's a term for this, which I can't think of now, but it seems like this is what it was. He chased, chased chased chased then once he got you he realized the chase was what was driving him. People are VERY basic, seems like he just wanted what he couldn't have. Link to comment
pl3asehelp Posted January 25, 2012 Share Posted January 25, 2012 I don't think you read the entire post? He said he was falling in love with me, a couple of times. Introduced me to his family. We got very close--he was the one who wanted a relationship. We were exclusive for a few months. Yeah, I did read it - is it surprising that a guy would lie to you about being in love and or introduce you to his family to get some? That happens all the time. Like other posters said, it's why you need to observe peoples behavior much closed than just listening to what they say. Words really are close to meaningless. He could have also just changed his mind about you or met someone else who he likes more. Link to comment
Bluezilla Posted January 26, 2012 Share Posted January 26, 2012 The same thing happened to me and it is tearing me apart! Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted January 26, 2012 Share Posted January 26, 2012 That is very painful Sandrawg. I am sorry that happened. Link to comment
learning2relax Posted January 26, 2012 Share Posted January 26, 2012 So I had the exact same experience. And after having time away from the relationship and ENA, I have a more objective point of view. I agree on the point one of the posters stated about being a commitmentphobe. Although I hate the term. Can't speak directly about your situation but as far as mine.....almost directly after he told me he loved me and that he "gets so lost" with me, he broke it off. My theory, he freaked himself out. I think that due to the pain he had experienced historically in his life, the idea of loving to that extent again or even close to it, scared him of having to suffer the same pain and hurt (if not more) if the relationship were to end. This all stems from feelings of insecurity and a lack of self confidence. Those core issues, topped off with the memories of pain and suffering from his history, stopped him dead cold. As a result, he got in his head, over analyzed things to death, constantly questioned the future, if I was "the one" (I hate that btw) and when investing so much thought into it, talked himself out of his feelings and subsequently the relationship. Kind of like when you say a word over and over again until the word itself sounds silly. That is my theory. I know what we had. I know how I felt. I know how he felt by the way he acted and what he said - when actions and words were matching up. I was not the only one in the relationship and only viewing it with rose colored glasses. I know what I know and I am 100% confident in that. However, I can't make him change his mind. I can't convince him to take the risk and I can't carry the relationship for both of us. So if this is where he got himself to, then he did me a huge favor. I wish him the best, have zero resentment and look back on the relationship with fond memories but wish him well in his life and happiness for the future. That is the best I can do for both of us. I have to look forward to my own happiness and that is exactly what I am doing. Link to comment
sandrawg Posted January 26, 2012 Author Share Posted January 26, 2012 Yes, yes, yes..everything you are saying rings true for me, given my experience with my ex. I sit here a day after the breakup, and am having flashes of the amazing times we had together..just knowing I was feeling loved, even if he could not say it. And yeah..my ex had a spotty history with relationships. His last gf left town and they were forced to have an LDR, where she basically neglected him. He would go months at a time without seeing her, but somehow, they considered that a "relationship?" He had no accountability and tons of autonomy. Then I come along. I'm a bit older than he is. I've got my act together. He's struggling..having troubles with his job, etc. I'm asking more from him-I want an adult relationship where we work out our differences maturely. Where we do fun things together. I think the fact that I planned fun things for us to do, like trips and things, freaked him out. He complained so much about his LDR and how he had no intimacy. Well..I gave him plenty of intimacy, and he RAN. Like you said, not much you can do. I blocked him on email/text/IM. I figure if there is even the slightest chance he will come back (and i'm not sure I even want him back..maybe when he grows up a bit)...it would be because I've gone NC and he misses me. I figure wanting to keep me as a friend was a sign he still wanted me in his life, maybe as a "just in case." I don't play "just in case." Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted January 26, 2012 Share Posted January 26, 2012 Then I come along. I'm a bit older than he is. I've got my act together. He's struggling..having troubles with his job, etc. I'm asking more from him-I want an adult relationship where we work out our differences maturely. Where we do fun things together. I think the fact that I planned fun things for us to do, like trips and things, freaked him out. He complained so much about his LDR and how he had no intimacy. Well..I gave him plenty of intimacy, and he RAN. Honestly, I don't want anything to do with men who are struggling. I am at the point in my life where I want a long-term partner so in my weeding out process I look for: -College degree/Stable job -Optimistic attitude -Good relationship with family -Sense of humor/funny -Commitment to community service/social justice -Financially independent (especially from parents) -Health conscious -Great communicator -Respectful towards women -Seeking a long-term relationship Etc. Some may not find that fair, but hey ... it's your life. You need to have boundaries and expectations. But also remember, everything in moderation. You don't want to drown a guy in intimacy. Link to comment
dumPI Posted January 26, 2012 Share Posted January 26, 2012 awesome post! change he for she ... and I make it mine too Link to comment
sandrawg Posted January 26, 2012 Author Share Posted January 26, 2012 Unfortunately I think this happens a lot, because some people refuse to grow up. And a lot of times, they end up regretting their actions later. It was over 20 yrs ago, but I still regret breaking upu with my first serious boyfriend. It's fine-I will move on and find someone who is mature enough to appreciate what I have to offer. Link to comment
learning2relax Posted January 26, 2012 Share Posted January 26, 2012 We all learn from our experiences. Unfortunately, when you run into this, it is hard to see it coming. They are very charming and very into the relationship in the beginning - almost too much....(I guess now I can see that as a possible red flag to put my own brakes on a bit and assess if I come accross this in the future). Then, BAM! It happens. You are left confused, abandoned, hurt, etc.... Unfortunately, the natural reaction is to turn inwards and evaluate what you did to cause the break up, not realizing (until you get perspective) that it has nothing to do with you. As long as we get to a point where we can see it for what it is, learn from it and do our best to maintain boundaries and to care for our hearts the next time we chose to take the risk of falling in love with someone. What I have come to experience thus far, is that now in my 40's, I am seeing this in more men that I ever could imagine. Of course, having been through what I have, I immediately cease and desist LOL! I am not up for convincing anyone, fixing anyone and working that darn hard to make a relationship work - where I am doing most of the work. I have enough on my plate in my life to deal with to take on someone else's issues - and truth be told, if they aren't willing to see it and acknowledge it for what it is, then you are best to leave it be and move on with your life. It is their issue to acknowledge and then to CHOOSE to resolve. Either they will or they won't. And sometimes it takes a long time, and the realization of the loses they have endured to decide that they will. If they are willing and are actively working on it, then they will most likely be upfront and communicate with you about this. I have learned how to recognize some of the signs. Then I try and get an idea of if they have any realization as to what they are doing or if they are living in denial. And you can't confront it with them head-on....that just spells disaster. You have to be observant and trust your gut and try to keep your heart in check at the same time. Isn't love fun???? LOL....... Link to comment
sandrawg Posted January 26, 2012 Author Share Posted January 26, 2012 What happened to you? did you post your story? The same thing happened to me and it is tearing me apart! Link to comment
sandrawg Posted January 26, 2012 Author Share Posted January 26, 2012 I am the same age as you. I keep making the mistake of going for younger guys. Then again, older guys can be just as immature and commitment-phobic. It's just annoying to me that i sat back and let him take the lead on everything, and he pushed ME for a relationship..then turns out, it's not what he wanted. People need to figure out what they want and stop getting others entrapped in their indecision. Link to comment
rapunzel Posted February 1, 2012 Share Posted February 1, 2012 I feel I was also led on, not quite as badly as the OP or learning2relax. It is probably the most painful experience in life....to let yourself become vulnerable with a person who leads you to believe that they feel the same way...only to be discarded with an "I'm just not feeling it" or "there's something missing". I heard both...I also heard "the intensity is making it difficult for me to deal with other issues in my life" (that was just an excuse). I got an email from mine before we got involved that he "knew we were soulmates!". This was from a 48 year old man (he is now 52, and we still work together part time). The attraction had been building for several months, which in my opinion is a great way for a relationship to start, rather than meeting someone over the internet and being faced with the immediacy of trying to gauge attraction. When I got that email I remember I felt like my heart sang. We had not dated at that point but for someone my age to say something like that, I just assumed he was sincere. I had not felt this level of attraction in years and felt like "he's the one" (my first mistake). When we finally did get together, my hopes felt confirmed and he was the man I'd been waiting for. *sigh*. I supposed this is nature at it's finest, how else would the species continue without heightened feelings of lust? Since then I have not really dated in the last three years. I've had several men interested in me, which at 50 is no easy task, and I'm not attracted to any of them. I know he is stilll single, and I know he is holding out for someone 10-15 years younger, heck he'd even go 20 years younger if he could. I agree with learning2relax, there are a lot of charming men who lead women on. We all know why they do it and we have to learn to slow the pace of the relationship to give it time for the man to fall in love rather than just satisfying lust, on both sides. It is very difficult to do this and yes, many times things crash and burn. And certainly there are women who lead men on as well, but I can only speak from a female standpoint. Strangely enough, I do still believe he is a "soulmate" in a sense. We have a great deal in common. The experience was the most intense, passionate and ultimately most painful of my life. Certainly now I see the red flags that I ignored and the truth is, entering a relationship and falling in love is always a risk, even if you think you are being cautious and trying to protect your heart, once you fall you are vulnerable and that is just the way it is. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted February 1, 2012 Share Posted February 1, 2012 I don't think that someone who decides he doesn't want a commitment with you is necessarily commitmentphobic -it's harmful to have the mindset you do because then it will hurt more when you learn that a year later he somehow got over his "phobia" and is happily married. It's ok if he's not that into you - try not to take it so personally if at all possible- it will help you be more open and positive about the next relationship. I agree he shouldn't be gossiping behind your back -that's immature and rude but I wouldn't jump to the conclusion that he was lying-perhaps he felt that way at the time and then changed his mind. It happens. Link to comment
Gerda Posted February 1, 2012 Share Posted February 1, 2012 I haven't seen anyone mention the love letter, anyone else think that could have something to do with it? I don't know any guys who like to receive love letters, maybe it weirded him out. With my recent ex, I had just sent him a package--it was a beautifully wrapped book (with a brief but warm dedication in the front) with a card which (I am TOTALLY embarrassed to admit) I had kissed all over with lipstick on--UGH. He never even acknowledged receiving this package, and cut ties with me within two weeks of receiving it (I really don't know when he received it because, again, he never acknowledged it even though I'd told him I was sending it and he knew what it was.) Little things like that can be a turn off for people. Everyone sees things that turn them off in their partner from time to time, it's a matter of whether or not you have the motivation to overlook them. I overlooked numerous turn-offs with this guy because I was highly motivated to--I loved him to death and thought he was great. I consciously talked myself out of these turnoffs sometimes. I think you can honestly be "falling in love" with someone and something like that put you on a detour out of the relationship, especially when you are young. When you get older, if you are wise, you don't get so hung up on people's imperfections. "Love" is such a weird thing, the way different people talk about it differently and act upon it differently--I cannot ever see myself doing with this guy did, but I am not so sure he was just a swindler or someone who lost attraction or that he never really cared. Maybe we are all candles and some of us have shorter or faster burning wicks than others--the hottest flames burn out the fastest and all that. Maybe this guy is the type to get all wrapped up in the euphoria of a new relationship and then he fizzles out just as fast. Regardless, yes, I agree you were led on, and I don't think men do this a lot--most men are loathe to say the "l-word" early in a relationship. I've never had a guy say he thought he was falling in love with me just to get in my pants. I think if a guy says it, he means it, but love may not mean to him what it means to you. Link to comment
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