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[Dougie_D]

Dougie_D - are you the only child? just curious

 

No. I have an older sister. I knew early on that my parents favored her though.

 

Me - Public school Her - Private

Me- In-state College Her - Out of state College, plus private and over seas.

 

My sister is married and everything but my parents will do "the grandparent" thing by purchasing groceries and stuff to help out.

[Dougie_D]

No woman in your age bracket is going to want to date someone who cannot or does not want to take care of himself financially

 

I understand that. I am not looking to settle down though. I make money in the music biz but not very much. I don't discuss any amount. Why would I?

 

Why can't you get a minimum wage or entry-level job and work on pursuing your dreams in your off time?

 

I will need a part-time job that's flexible and willing to let me have some weeks off when I go ON tour with bands as the roadie/tour manager. When I had my part-time job last time, I had to quit because I wasn't given enough flexibility. They worked me as a full-timer almost. I got 38 hours and I had to work the weekends! I got EXTREMELY depressed because I felt like my job was consuming me. I don't want that feeling again. That's the reason why my parents are helping me out. They are giving me that flexibility. So, when I needed to be somewhere for the music biz, I was able to do it w/out second thought. Now, my time is running out. The more available you are in this biz, the faster you'll find something. I'm lucky as hell.

[Fudgie]

Where did you get this idea that you'd have a huge safety net? No one really does.

If your parents stopped supporting you financially, then it's time to get a job to support yourself. As you know, it's really hard to make it in the music biz, and maybe you just gave it your best shot and now you need to get a paying job and work on music in your off time.

 

My boyfriend's passion is music but he didn't make a career out of it. He just does it in his off time because he knows it doesn't pay.

 

I do suggest you look into getting an entry-level job and working your way up. If your parents cut off your support as you said, you really need to get one. No one starts off 9-5 like that. Prepare to work some weekends to start. You need to get the money.

 

Women your age DO want someone who is financially stable. You don't have to make a ton, but you need to be able to stand on your own two legs. Not having a job and going by on the parents' dime is for college-age people but it doesn't fly when you get older...and why should it? I would work on getting a job and being able to support yourself independently, not getting women.

[Dougie_D]

My boyfriend's passion is music but he didn't make a career out of it. He just does it in his off time because he knows it doesn't pay

 

Is your boyfriend HAPPY? He has you...who is a girlfriend that probably keeps him happy.

 

If I had a girlfriend, that would FOR SURE make me less depressed about getting a part time job or knowing how hard the music biz is.

[Fudgie]

Is your boyfriend HAPPY? He has you...who is a girlfriend that probably keeps him happy.

 

If I had a girlfriend, that would FOR SURE make me less depressed about getting a part time job or knowing how hard the music biz is.

 

My boyfriend was happy before he met me, and he is happy now. He was a single virgin for years prior to me and wasn't depressed about it.

 

He works minimum wage. Part-time now, but is going to full-time this summer.

 

Girlfriends really don't make everything better, we really don't. Having a relationship requires a lot of time, usually a little bit of money (but not a lot), etc. Are relationships wonderful? Absolutely they are. But you need to get your stuff together before you have one and feel at least CONTENT in your skin before getting into a relationship. If not, it just won't work. It doesn't work when 1 person is responsible for the happiness in the other. It's not good.

[Dougie_D]

Also, I think people forgot. When I did have my first JOB, it didn't help the fact that my parents "made fun of me ". My father deals with big business people and a lot their kids end up being the CEO at a company or a manager of a large company, etc... He was embarrassed of what my job and even lied to people saying I was a manager (when in fact, I was a cart guy)...He also kept pushing me to "move up" in a company I hated. My family finally saw how depressed and angry I was about them trying to make me do something I didn't want to do. In a weird way, I think they felt extremely guilty about trying to control me. They knew how much music was a part of my life and the fact that I completely stopped playing or going to shows hurt them. They would ask "Why do you not play anymore?" I would say "Because there is no point. I have to work a crappy job".

 

It's like I have to get my parents approval...and when they don't like it...or they know that I don't make that much...they help me out.

[agent1607307371]

Dougie - do you go on tour much?

[CMS]

Dude then try to make something for yourself, go and network, take classes, get a mentor, get yourself the skill to get to where you want to go. You seems to be too much outcome driven, you forget the journey is much much more important than the results.

 

Having a girlfriend will not magically make you happy. If you are depressed now having a girlfriend will only add to that stress. You have to be happy by yourself first, so go and network, go and get an internship at a record label or something, beg to shadow some of the music scouts for free, do anything and everything that can get your feet into the door. Make yourself happy first, then you will find the other part of your life will fall in place nicely

[capuccino83]

I'm going to give you some advice based on personal experience. It sounds like you have some self acceptance issues that stem from lack of acceptance from your parents and it seems like this plays out in your life even now.. your parents weren't accepting, and similarly your friends are not accepting and I can see from your posts - you feel like your industry it not accepting of you (you don't often get to go to industry parties even though it's your career industry???) and I often feel like you try to work for the approval of girls and probably pick girls that you need to "win" their approval. I hope that you can see how this is a theme in your life and think about other ways that's its affecting you. I had something similar - for me it was abandonment issues, and guess what - it permeated into the friends that I made, my relationships at work and the men that I was dating.

 

The good thing about emotional wellbeing is that it's generally a theme - so if you hit it from the core, most areas in your life will improve. The bad thing is that it's difficult to hit it from the core and that you can't compartmentalize your life - as I'm sure you've seen, working on your dating persona or confidence only doesn't really get you very far.

 

I think that you are thirty years old and rather than keep trying to put a band-aid over you life (i.e. find a gf to make you feel better), it's time to take a look at things overall - your relationship with your parents and friend, success in dating, what is happening with your career - and find what is driving these things (because generally it's only one or two beliefs) and then fix those. That way, you are working from the root, rather than starting from a branch and trying to find your way down.

 

Taking 6 months of your life to do this is probably not as exciting as trying to find a girlfriend in the next 6 months, but is probably your best bet at finding a meaningful and fulfilling relationship, rather than continuing to meet girls at bars or parties and hoping that changing the amount of time you spend talking to them will make them like you. Once I fixed my abandonment issue, I actually found that I was able to meet people that I connected with and found that if you are truly accepting of yourself, its easier to connect with men and women, and they don't really care whether or not you play the game properly.

[calichick007]

Lots of people (maybe even MOST people, sadly) go off to jobs they dislike every day. I don't think anybody is discounting the importance of music in your life or telling you not to follow your passions. But at some point, that will have to give way to a steady, reliable job that you may not be in love with - at least temporarily. At 30, you should want to be able to purchase your own meals, pay for your own clothes, your own haircuts, put gas in your own car, live on your own and pay your own rent/mortgage, etc. If the music career isn't putting you in a position to do those things right now, I think you'd benefit greatly from shifting your priorities.

 

You keep insisting that having a gf would turn your life around and suddenly make you happy. First of all, that isn't true. Secondly, I think the odds of you finding someone will be slim until you manage to get on your feet. The "crappy" job you might have to take in order to do that doesn't have to be permanent. Once you are able to take care of yourself financially, you'll have much more breathing room to focus on finding a partner and your dream career.

[Dougie_D]

so go and network, go and get an internship at a record label or something, beg to shadow some of the music scouts for free, do anything and everything that can get your feet into the door

 

The problem is...I can't do anymore internships because my financial part is running out. I've already had an internship with a record label and management group. I still have a super great relationship with the management team but they are basically in the same boat as me. The company almost went bankrupt.

 

I honestly feel like if I got a RETAIL job, that I failed in what I wanted to accomplish. What bothers me the most is...I have actually HELPED people in the business make money and they don't want to give me any credit or any type of payment. It's like I'll write a great marketing plan and then they say thanks and you are not going to be part of it anymore.

 

It sounds like you have some self acceptance issues that stem from lack of acceptance from your parents and it seems like this plays out in your life even now

 

Exactly! I'm always looking for acceptance and validation. I came out to LA and I got my validation that I can work in the biz. I'm just looking for something that PAYS!!!!

 

Also, all my life my parents have asked about my relationship problems... they always say "So, is there ANYONE that you are INVOLVED with these days?"

I know for a fact that if I came home with a girlfriend my parents will be happy to see that I can attract a mate. For girls around my age 30, I would BET that their grandparents keep on hinting the idea of getting married or having grandchildren. They make you feel worthless and guilty about not having one for them.

[Fudgie]

So basically, the management group is in the same boat as you and can't help you advice, so why are you there?

 

I honestly don't see much good from you sticking with this job since your money is dwindling, you're still not financially independent, and you want to find a mate but you're unable to find one given the position that you are in. You don't seen very happy.

 

There is nothing wrong with NOT having your day job not being your passion. I'm going to work in healthcare, which is a passion for me, but another passion of mine is Classical languages (Latin, etc). I'm fluent in one, learning another. I have 8 years of studying them. If I could, would I be a teacher for that? You bet your bum I would. But I know those jobs are scarce and even if I COULD find one, I'd be living out of a cardboard box. So I'm going into something that I also feel good about, will be in demand, will get paid ok, and in my free time, I tutor for peanuts, not so much for the money, but because I like it.

 

I think you should get a job that you can manage and get paid ok at, but you don't intensely DISLIKE. I think if you DISLIKE your job, then you should look for other work. It's normal/good to either enjoy your job, or think it's "okay"...but not dislike. It will wear on you if you dislike it.

 

Also, money-wise, look into moving out of L.A. It's crazy expensive to live there. I don't know how people do it. You stand a better chance of being able to support yourself if you find work, save up, then move out of the city and into a cheaper place. I also have known people who live in LA and they complain that people there are very centered on looks and such (typically) because LA sort of draws that crowd. So it's kind of hard to find a meaningful, deep relationship. Not that it's impossible, it's just HARD. That's why it may be good for you to get out of the city.

 

I do agree with others that you have some self-acceptance issues that you need to work on. You're constantly trying to please your parents. It's time to stop that; you're 30. And no, not all parents make older folks feel like crap for not shacking up/popping out kids by a certain age. And even those who do, normally, those your age have reached a point where they say "Hey...sorry, but it's my life." You need to break away from feeling like you need to suck up to your parents. Do you think that they would be happy with just ANY girl that you choose? No. Most parents nit-pick at their child's mates because sometimes, they feel "no one is good enough". There's a reason why the idea exists that in-laws royally SUCK. What are you going to do when that happens? When you fall in love with a girl who they don't feel is pretty enough, hard-working enough, "well bred" enough, etc.? Are you going to kowtow to your parents and say "Oh...I guess you're right...I can do better." No, that would be bad.

 

I'm not perfect and neither is my boyfriend. My father loves my boyfriend but my mother has reservations. Then again, she doesn't like ANYONE I date. I feel like I'd have to date some rich pretty-boy doctor. But that's not what I want.

 

There just comes a point in our lives when we realize that we live for ourselves, NOT our parents. We didn't just come out of our mother's vagina years ago so they could live vicariously through us, somehow "correct" the past by having us not make the same mistakes. But at the end of the day, we ALL make the same mistakes as our parents...if that weren't true, then humankind would be getting so much better now and it's not. Our lives are our own to live.

[capuccino83]

Actually I'm 28 and my parents are not encouraging me to get married. My grandparents were because of a different generation, but I realize where they are coming from and where I am coming from so I just politely smile and say "yes grandma" rather than get into a heated debate about marriage or feel bad about it. If your favorite color was blue and your parents told you that it was ugly, that pink is the best, would you change your mind? Suddenly paint your bedroom pink and start wearing pink shirts? No, because that would be ridiculous. Likewise, it's ridiculous to do things because mommy and daddy said you should when you are a grown man.

 

BTW - if you parents don't approve of what you do, I'd say its safe to say that their nitpicking goes further than wanting sonny to find a wife. Generally, parents are critical because they had critical parents or because they feel some kind of guilt or both. So if they are critical now, they will be so forever. Your best bet is to learn to accept yourself and do what's right for you and to understand where they are coming from - it's probably from a place of hurt not from a place of meanness. When you learn to empathize rather take them seriously, they will begin to lose their power over you.

 

Also, tons of people have job they don't like. You're a grown man, come on... it's called discipline.

[calichick007]

I honestly feel like if I got a RETAIL job, that I failed in what I wanted to accomplish.

 

If you got a retail job, you could support yourself financially. Then you'd be better positioned to take the risks you need to take in order to succeed in the music business. If you're not willing to take a 9-5 and cannot support yourself with what you're doing now, what is your plan? What do you think you have to offer a woman who would like a husband and a family in the foreseeable future?

[Dougie_D]

Likewise, it's ridiculous to do things because mommy and daddy said you should when you are a grown man.

 

You're constantly trying to please your parents

 

I agree, but many times they do things behind my back...and it's usually something that has to do financially. Did I ask for my parents to completely take care of my car payments? NO. I don't try to please them but it's more that they don't like the fact that I'm doing something. For example: If I told my parents I was going to eat McDonalds, they would say, "what for? You can't afford something better??, Here's a 20...buy yourself a pizza or something." That's basically the theme of my life. I give in to what they want because I know they'll just pay for it. Even if I said NO, I'll buy my pizza myself and worked hard for the 20 bucks they would say something like "Why did you do that? We can do that for you?" And play the guilty game with me.

 

My family doesn't know how to show love. They show support by money. My father came from extreme poverty and he doesn't want his own family to feel like that. And when I mean his "own" family, I mean the family he created. He dis-owned his "other" family BECAUSE of money.

 

In a sick way, I feel like my family is paying me off just to say they have a son that lives in LA... The last time I saw my family that's all they were talking about to our neighbors, family friends, etc... My family wants something to BRAG about.

 

My parents are control freaks. They really make me feel like crap whenever I try to do things on my own, especially when I struggle to do it.

 

So basically, the management group is in the same boat as you and can't help you advance, so why are you there?

 

I'm not there. That's why I've been looking elsewhere. I still do thing for past bands on the roster and I use the same e-mail to try to get new clients. I'm looking for a SALARY type job through a big LABEL. Small management groups don't have money in general.

 

To be honest about the whole thing... I won't be able to support myself for a long time unless I make some serious cash. When I had my first job I was only making about $7 per hour. If my parents completely stopped helping me financially, I would practically be homeless. I basically am!

 

So, in that perspective I feel like its "o.k" for my parents to help me decide on things.

 

Also, I know that IT'S ENTIRELY MY FAULT for what has happened. There isn't one single day that goes by that I REGRET everything that I've done.

 

Yeah, and I doubt that having a part-time job will help me with women. I wouldn't have a SOCIAL life at all. I wouldn't be able to have FUN. So, I'm pretty sure I would be DEPRESSED an not HAPPY.

 

Everyone thinks that having a girlfriend will not make me happy but I never meant "I would be HAPPY forever" Having a girlfriend would help me give VALIDATION that I'm worthy in this life. People are lucky to get that acceptance early on in life. And maybe not even the girlfriend part. Maybe it was getting their first KISS. I've never had a FIRST kiss. How excited and happy were you at that MOMENT? That feeling? If everyone told me how TERRIBLE being in a relationship is, than I wouldn't want that feeling...but NO. People tell me how happy they are.

[shotinthedark]

I may come accross harsh here.... but after reading your posts for the last month or so and this latest one on a public forum, I'm going to do it anyways.

 

All I'm hearing from you is EXCUSES, my man. Jobs that suck, girls not into you, your parents messing up your self-confidence.... how about a little ACCOUNTABILITY for your own life? The negativity and self-doubt just pours out of you. You think these girls can't pick up on that? 90% of what you say is body language, and if your body language even closely resembles how it sounds you really feel about yourself, that negativity, self-doubt, pessimism is just streaming out of you in social settings.

 

It sounds like you're desperate to find a girlfriend... and desperation reeks, my friend. I think you've got a long way to go in learning to be happy with who you are, before you dive into anything with a girl. If you like a girl, instead of beating around the bush with heart-to-hearts and then texting her for weeks and being played (like your earlier posts), keep it light and funny and get her number. Then ask her on a DATE. No dice? On to the next one...

 

And Facebook stalking? Yikes.

 

The thing is, you sound like a pretty cool dude. In the music biz, have a good heart and good values. But you gotta up your self-confidence and self-worth, buddy. It might take therapy or something, but there's some underlying issues there.

 

Keep your head up, bro. I hope it works out for you. Remember, every day is a new day.

[calichick007]

Yeah, and I doubt that having a part-time job will help me with women. I wouldn't have a SOCIAL life at all. I wouldn't be able to have FUN. So, I'm pretty sure I would be DEPRESSED an not HAPPY.

 

Dougie, it is not just about helping you with women. It's about helping yourself. Don't you want to be able to buy your own food, your own clothes, your own transportation, put a roof over your own head? You are 30 years old, not 18. I'm sorry, but worrying that a part-time job would interfere with your social life is ridiculous at this point. You'd prefer to be homeless with a buzzing social life than have a PT job and not go out as much??? And PT is like 20 hours per week. You'd have PLENTY of time for a social life. The majority of people your age work 40+ hours per week and manage to have healthy social lives - myself included.

 

I agree with everyone else who has said you are full of excuses. It honestly comes off as though you just don't want to work a regular job and be independent. And even though it shouldn't be about a woman, it is a circular issue. Again, no woman in your age bracket is going to want to date a 30 year-old man who is content to sit at home with his parents and is unwilling to work a "regular" job to provide for himself. None. And even if you were financially stable, nobody (man or woman) likes being around someone with a constant victim mentality, blaming everyone else for their problems. I don't think anything will change for you until you stop blaming everyone else and take responsiblity for your own life and your own choices.

[capuccino83]

Some parents like to give out money, my parents give me money too. You know what I do with it? I add it to my savings account and go on to live my frugal life so that I can save up on necessities I don't really need and splurge on things I do need. If they want to give you money, that's great. I'd take it, say thanks, then go out and get a job and add that money to my savings account. I think I've spent about 1/2 of the money my parents give me - everything ranging from 20's to 100's, and that's only because I'm a student so I have no income.

 

Your parents are critical - they are not going to change. They are too old. Saying my parents are critical, they're so bad to me, ruining my confidence, whatever - doesn't matter because they will NOT change. If you want to stop the situation, the only thing you can do is change your reaction to your parents. This is the only option you have. Or stop talking to them. This is how you handle it:

 

Dad: I don't like your job.. it's worthless.. you make no money and have no career. Why can't you get a real job like Aunt Etna's younger boy did? he works in a bank!

You: Dad.. I can see that you are really concerned about me and that I'm happy and successful in my life. But why do you think that my job has no career possibilities? Actually it does because I want to do X and Y. Here is an example of person A who accomplished these goals, and he makes $xx,xxx per year and has Z to show for it. Sure it might not be a traditional banking job.. but it's still a pretty good living, right? I'd be able to support myself and my future wife/kids.

 

I bet your parents are all over you because you have no real long term or what you want to do. I bet your thought process was - I like music.. so I'll go into that. If that's not your through process, if you actually have specific goals, then let's see them, what steps you need to take to accomplish them and see that put into action. If you don't have any goals, it's time to re-evaluate your life and decide what you want from it.

 

The people that get pushed around the most and that have the most self-doubt are often the ones without any goals because they don't know where they are going.. you go whichever way the wind blows rather than staying truly grounded.

[capuccino83]

Yeah, and I doubt that having a part-time job will help me with women. I wouldn't have a SOCIAL life at all. I wouldn't be able to have FUN. So, I'm pretty sure I would be DEPRESSED an not HAPPY.

 

 

Dude, you are thirty years old. It was time to stop thinking about fun and think about paying your bills, supporting your family, saving for retirement, buying car/house, kids tuition fund, having an emerging fund, etc years ago. Most people that I know stopped having "fun" after college - that's around 22 years old, when they began working 50+ hours a week. Most of these people also have significant others, if not married, some with kids, houses, cars, so your reasoning is totally false.

 

I don't think you can say that you wouldn't be happy if you started working because it doesn't seem like you're doing much now and I don't see how you are happy now.

[calichick007]

I don't think you can say that you wouldn't be happy if you started working because it doesn't seem like you're doing much now and I don't see how you are happy now.

 

He can correct me if I'm wrong, but I read in another thread where he said that working would cut into the time he has to drive his car around, go to the movies, and go out to eat (with the money his parents give him).

[CMS]

He can correct me if I'm wrong, but I read in another thread where he said that working would cut into the time he has to drive his car around, go to the movies, and go out to eat (with the money his parents give him).

 

Haha, I find it funny how this has turn into bashing Doug_D fest. But dude, seriously, you complaining of needing a girlfriend to validate your life is just sad, you need to develop an internal frame of reference, you will find people will gravitate themselves towards you once you do not seek external validation and become self assured.

 

Man I have ready almost all of your threads, they all screams lack of confidence, lack of accountability and lack of drive. I understand music is your passion, but also be realistic, what would happen to you if your parents cut you off financially? can you afford the rent, movie and going out money in LA?

 

So take some accountability in your actions, stop blaming your parents for not imparting you with the right self worth or sense of responsibility, start taking responsibility for yourself, get a part time job if you need money, 20 hours a week can still allow you to do music and go out have a life. I work 60+ hours a week and still have an awesome social life so its definitely doable.

[Fudgie]

I'm not sure where you got the idea that having a part-time job would make you not have a social life. It totally doesn't. Most people who work part-time are working at another job part-time or they are going to school.

 

I'm going to be extremely honest and say that unless and until you get yourself independent in terms of finances, I don't see you being able to get a girl for a LTR, at least, not your age. Women (and men too!) at that age are looking for someone who has it together because they have it together themselves. The days of relying on your parents for money and being able to find a girl to date at the same time are over after you're done with college. It just doesn't happen anymore. I'm finishing my college career myself so I know this is true.

 

Again, your passion doesn't have to be your main job. My boyfriend actually told me that he's kind of happy he decided not to go the "music" route because, other than lack of jobs and money, he decided he didn't WANT to make his passion his job. Because as a hobby, you can still have fun with it and you do it because you enjoy it, not because you're getting paid.

[calichick007]

Haha, I find it funny how this has turn into bashing Doug_D fest.

 

I'm honestly not trying to bash and apologize to DD if it comes off that way. But like you and others who have posted in this thread, I work hard for everything that I have... the notion of an adult who would rather be homeless than take "regular" work (i.e., a 9-5) is just mind-boggling to me. I also think I would feel differently if DD accepted the consequences of his decision not to work even a PT job, rather than complaining about them as though they are beyond his control.

[Dougie_D]

The reason why I'm even out in LA is because my parents made an agreement with me that they would help me financially so I could focus on getting a job in the music biz.

 

I came out VERY strong at the beginning. Had 2 internships, networking, etc....but when my parents stopped giving me as much money I realized that I needed to get PAID for my services.

 

That's where I'm at. I feel like if I don't get a job that has to do with my field... that I came out to LA, go after my dreams, etc...for NOTHING and all my experience and time was a waste.

 

I came out to go FORWARD in Life...Not Backwards. At the time, my parents even SUGGESTED me to QUIT my retail JOB so I would be able to be where I'm at today.

 

Everyday I look for opportunities in the music field. I really don't want feel like a FAILURE. That's the worst feeling. And YES...not working a job that I like, is failing. I'm not a bitter person, but I am not going to suck up to things that I can't or won't enjoy. People thought that I was dumb because I didn't pass a lot of classes...NO, it's because I didn't even care to be there. The classes that I enjoyed, I performed very well and received an A. That's exactly how I was, when I had to work. I came off to all the employees like I didn't care. Hahaha! You really think I went to the stupid meetings?!

 

I can't have a job just to get money. My job has to mean something to me. There is only one job that I could be happy with...and I'm currently working towards that goal!

 

 

I mean, think about it? Seriously, what type of jobs are out there to get? That would even hire me? I had a hard enough time getting my FIRST job....as a CART guy?! I feel so miserable just thinking about it.

[Dougie_D]

Because as a hobby, you can still have fun with it and you do it because you enjoy it, not because you're getting paid.

 

That's how I felt at the time, because I had money to help me and focus, and NOT worry about getting paid and if I did get paid, it would be a bonus. But NOW, the money is gone and it's going to be harder to focus on my "hobby" because all my FRUSTRATIONS, WORRIES, ETC...will be focused on a job that I probably won't like.

 

Also, your boyfriend probably had a part-time job while he was pursuing the "music" route and figured that it wasn't worth it that much.