Today I finally did it.

[Hope2011]

I was both. I also meant to say she wants to remain friends with me, not be with me.

[Hope2011]

With that said, should I just text her and be her friend or just wait till I am ready?

[Ms Darcy]

Wait until you are ready to be friends.

[Hope2011]

It's been a full week since I started this thread and proud to say I have not contacted her and she has not contacted me. Tomorrow is going to be the first day I started full NC.

 

Thank you all for all the advice. Its still hard but it's getting slowly easier. I still miss her like hell and do still wait for her to contact me to say the closure text but that has not happened yet.

 

In two weeks I have to go pick my stuff up from her dad's place and I hope I don't see her (she is still in school). Just the thought of her asking me how I am doing gets me nervous inside.

[magnoliatree]

One week is great! It also sounds like you are doing some reflection and I really encourage you to keep it up. You can only benefit from it.

[Hope2011]

Thank you!! It has not been easy, but I am getting through it.... and my journal writing has increased these last few days.

[Hope2011]

Today my ex contacted me about personal photos and videos I have. I am unsure why she contacted me about them. Of course I have them, she knows I have them.

 

I did not reply back to her. I just have to post because I have been thinking about the, "out of the blue" text (as she stated).

 

Was it smart to not contact her?

[Thorshammer]

Leave her alone.. you dont want the friend role. Dont accept something that you dont want.

 

If you have to reply, reply a few days later with really short sentences. Dont give her the idea that you are waiting on her hand and foot.

[winniethepooh]

Was it smart to not contact her?

Yes if you want to send the message you're not interested in getting back together and you're serious about moving on before you can consider being friends.

 

No if you still want to get back together with her.

 

I know this sounds different to what people usually say (including me). But you said this originally.

 

My ex dumped me best I was a jerk to her for three years. In the end she said she could not trust me and that it will take time for her to heal. I was not ready for a relationship and she continued to push me to stay in the relationship, I was very weak. I then told her I loved her and she said no.

 

But she still wants to be friends with me. I am confused to as why; if I was that bad to her, why does she still want me in her life.

So either she's messing with you, or she's giving you opportunities to show her that you're not a jerk anymore (or trying not to be). In my opinion, playing NC comes accross as being a jerk in your case.

 

I still don't know what happened with this.

 

Okay this is what I have so far.

Dear "Her Name,"

 

I am sorry for the way things have ended. Last night I was unclear about certain things. Can we talk over the phone ... how to have a better relationship, about what I have done, and things I can do to improve things. *

 

If we stay friends, is there a way we can improve our relationship? *

 

-- That is what I have so far. I am not sure how not to talk about the past. I do not want to sound weak or begging. She has a lot of anger and pain built us towards me. I do not want to tick her off.

You can't stay friends though, not at the moment.

[Hope2011]

I did not reply back to her because she made it clear to me during the break-up that she just wants to be friends. She made it clear when she replied to me text about being friends was not going to work me me. That's another reason I did not email her about the relationship.

 

Well ..... this morning she text'd me to ask me if I got her text and I am still not sure if I am ready to talk to her.

 

She seems to be acting like nothing happened. I love her and want her back but if she does not say she wants me beck, I don't think it's smart for me to text her or talk so I can heal.

[winniethepooh]

I did not reply back to her because she made it clear to me during the break-up that she just wants to be friends. She made it clear when she replied to me text about being friends was not going to work me me.

That sounds confusing. She just wants to be friends but she's saying being friends with you won't work?

 

That's another reason I did not email her about the relationship.

Ok, well I thought that might have helped to clear things up.

 

Well ..... this morning she text'd me to ask me if I got her text and I am still not sure if I am ready to talk to her.

She's sending a text to ask if you got her text? Sounds to me like someone who's confused at least, and maybe hurting.

 

She seems to be acting like nothing happened.

What do you mean nothing happened?

 

I love her and want her back but if she does not say she wants me beck, I don't think it's smart for me to text her or talk so I can heal.

I still think you're missing the point. If you behaved like a jerk and she dumped you, I doubt she is going to directly ask for you back unless she thinks you're not going to behave like a jerk anymore. And even then I wouldn't be too confident. Anyway, how will she know if you're not going to behave like a jerk anymore without some information from or about you?

 

If you want to get back together with her, I don't think playing games is the best way to do it in your situation, and using NC to get back together with someone is a game.

 

If you don't want to get back together with her, leave her alone.

[Hope2011]

I tried the friend thing and I feel like I needed to heal before I start fighting for her-- for my sake. After the break-up she made it clear she just wants to be friends.

 

I do want to show her I am not a jerk. But do I think I am ready for contact at this moment, not yet. I have no clue what's happening in her life and she texts me out of the blue. All I am thinking is, why did she text me now if she just wants to be friends when she knows I am not ready to be friends.

[winniethepooh]

All I am thinking is, why did she text me now if she just wants to be friends when she knows I am not ready to be friends.

Ask her ...

[lavenderdove]

Exes can be remarkably selfish sometimes if they still want you in their lives as friends, even if that is not what you want. They will push for it because they want you in a 'supportive' role where they try to preserve the thing they want (support and a familiar friendship) while not giving you want you want and need (a romantic relationship).

 

So my suggestion is in cases like this where she just keeps pushing her agenda and ignoring your wishes, that you send her an email and say something like 'I need to heal and get over the relationship. Being friends doesn't work for me, so please don't contact me unless you've changed your mind and want to rekindle our romance. I don't want to be rude, but I will not respond to any more contact unless you make it clear that you do want to rekindle the romance when you contact me. Otherwise we both need to heal and move on if all you want is friendship from me.'

 

Then stick to your word. If she wants to try again with you, it will take her just a few words to let you know, and she has your number. Otherwise she's just using you as a security blanket until your 'function' in her life has been replaced by other people.

[Hope2011]

Thank you for that very valuable post lavenderdove. I will start thinking again about the email. I didn't do it last time because I thought the text was pretty straight forward.

 

I text'd her back winniethepooh about why she text me and her reply was "just to see if you still had them." Them being the personal photos and videos.

 

Sounds like she just wanted to hear from me.

 

But I do not feel sad or mad, just confused (lavenderdove helped me understand why she contacted me). I do not feel like I am back to square one, like I used to when she contacted me post BU.

 

I think I am becoming a much stronger person.

[The Mouse]

Thank you for that very valuable post lavenderdove. I will start thinking again about the email. I didn't do it last time because I thought the text was pretty straight forward.

 

I text'd her back winniethepooh about why she text me and her reply was "just to see if you still had them." Them being the personal photos and videos.

 

Sounds like she just wanted to hear from me.

 

But I do not feel sad or mad, just confused (lavenderdove helped me understand why she contacted me). I do not feel like I am back to square one, like I used to when she contacted me post BU.

 

I think I am becoming a much stronger person.

 

Your doing well, i just re-read the complete post. I think theres a diffrence between NC and NIC, if she text's you being friendly, you could probably handle being friendly without it hurting your feelings but again thats not meaning friends, its just being friendly

 

Whenever she is friendly towards u, read absolutly nothing into it and just be polite and friendly back. Emails/texts i dont think are very good at conveying emotions and woman like emotion. Also NC to get her back may just push her further away.

 

the fact she contact you at this point down the line looking for personal pictures/videos is a pretty good sign her anger is subsiding if shes first iniating with u and also wanting to look at personal pictures with memories attached. Id just keep doing what ur doing, stick with the NIC and keep confident

[Hope2011]

Your doing well, i just re-read the complete post. I think theres a diffrence between NC and NIC, if she text's you being friendly, you could probably handle being friendly without it hurting your feelings but again thats not meaning friends, its just being friendly

 

Whenever she is friendly towards u, read absolutly nothing into it and just be polite and friendly back. Emails/texts i dont think are very good at conveying emotions and woman like emotion. Also NC to get her back may just push her further away.

 

the fact she contact you at this point down the line looking for personal pictures/videos is a pretty good sign her anger is subsiding if shes first iniating with u and also wanting to look at personal pictures with memories attached. Id just keep doing what ur doing, stick with the NIC and keep confident

 

Thank you the post. I will get her back, I know I will. If she does not come back, I will know I will be the best guy for my next relationship. I love her so much and doing this NC is making me stronger, I know it is. I have been doing a lot of self-reflection and I am making good progress.

 

I do not want to "push her further away" but I am going to stand firm and not change my stand on this. I was not mean when she text'ed me and I just asked why she text'ed me, I think that was a good thing to.

 

Thank you again The Mouse, I will (remain) strong even though I know she will continue to contact me. She can initiate the contact, but I will keep it short and to the point. I will not push her away and keep it as that.

[Hope2011]

Update ... I have two/three jon interviews this week-- which is helping me get over my ex.

 

Also, I picked my stuff up from my ex dad's place and it went very well. We ended up talking and he gave me many wise words (nothing bad) about life after college. He is a smart nice guy.

 

I am slowly getting over my ex. I still feel bad about the way I treated her. I hate the person I once was-- I am much more grateful for what I have and the people in my life. Working on self-reflection and talking to older people, friends, has gaven me hope that I will continue to better myself. I was naive, ignorant, afraid, scared, and mean as a result.

 

It's still hard during the days but I will become stronger and continue to work on my commitment phobia, the under lying factors. The real test will be with my next relationship.

 

Hope is all I have to become happy again. Hope I WILL CHANGE, for ME, MYSELF, and I. I will then add HER AND A RELATIONSHIP when I am ready.

[Hope2011]

This week has been really hard. I think about my ex a whole lot and I just want to hear from her. I feel like I am torturing myself but I just keep thinking about her. I have not heard from her in a very long time. The memories and thinking about how potentially how much happier she is without me is eating at my soul and heart.

 

I even have a job which starts a week after New Years.

 

I miss her and want her back. I have read many post here on ENA and they help but my mind still runs back to her.

[blackdog85]

The new job is a big plus - concentrate on that and keep yourself busy - get out, make new friends, call up old ones you've lost touch with, get back to old hobbies. YOU are what's important. You are torturing yourself thinking about her that way. Make small steps every day to become more self-sufficient. You need to be able to be happy alone before you can be in a healthy relationship - with this girl or preferably a new, better one.

 

You'll be alright bro. It takes time.

[Hope2011]

The new job is a big plus - concentrate on that and keep yourself busy - get out, make new friends, call up old ones you've lost touch with, get back to old hobbies. YOU are what's important. You are torturing yourself thinking about her that way. Make small steps every day to become more self-sufficient. You need to be able to be happy alone before you can be in a healthy relationship - with this girl or preferably a new, better one.

 

You'll be alright bro. It takes time.

 

I am trying to find what makes me happy ......

It's hard even when I try.

[Hope2011]

Instead of contacting my ex, I will post.

 

Today I miss her and she runs through my head, a lot. I have even thought about messaging her on FaceBook and asking her about how she is doing, about stuff she has of my mine, and just trying to be friends with her. Yes, I have thought about contacting her a lot lately. I lost a big part of my life and I feel like she was the one that got away.

 

I want her back but she pretty much made it clear that she wants nothing more then to be friends. She also made clear the boundaries and how I hurt her so much.

 

I love her and do feel like she has moved on happily. I will not be surprised if she is not talking to another guy. I think she is pretty and very unique. She is now confident and sure about who she is, what I could tell when we did LC after break up. I am in shambles at the moment.

 

She is a memory, a piece of my heart, my soulmate that I let go.

Being a commitment phob is what made me lose her.

I lost her and I want her back. I learned my lesson and hurts.

 

I had to post so I would not hurt myself and contact her. Even though, I want to her from really really badly at the moment.

[Hope2011]

I have gone NC from my ex for over a month now. Today I got very weak and looked at her FaceBook. This is when I found out she is now in a relationship.

 

Wow, she either recovered fast or she found a really good person.

Right now, I am just a deer in the head lights.

A lot on her page is about how happy she is and her great times.

 

I have now blocked her and hope she is happy, as she says she is.

 

I am not sure how people can deal when their ex leaves them for someone else. It hurts.

[Ms Darcy]

Sorry dude. That sucks

[Hope2011]

Sorry dude. That sucks

 

Your darn right it sucks. But you know what, is she is happy-- I can just be happy for her.

 

I hurt in a different level. I am happy. I learned my lesson and I feel like knowing this-- I will heal a little faster. What can I do-- your right, nothing.

 

Today is a new day .... it's the day I know I am healing and I know over time, I will get through this. Posting on here when I feel anything, from sad, mad, and happiness is helping me.

 

She is my past .......