Today I finally did it.

[Hope2011]

Thank you for the much, much, needed advice.

 

I feel so different right now. I feel like crying the whole night. The relationship is over. You put it nicely Lithp, but the real battle has now started.

[Hope2011]

hope, i feel for you bro. i know how much it hurts. its been like 5 weeks since my ex told me she needs a "break".

 

i told myself i was going into nc a bunch of times and still reach out to her. even tonight. i asked i she was doing, we texted back and forth a few times but i made sure to keep it light and not mention the relationship.

 

she told me she would have to see a change if she were to try again. so i figure how can she see it if i dont respond when she text. im making the changes for ME but i want her as my wife down the road.

 

hang in there hope

 

It's hard hanging on, when I know I just lost the one I love. I made the mistakes in the relationship because I was afraid and not ready for one. I feel like the sword is double sided and stabbing me on both sides right now. You know what I mean jbug?

[toby17]

I wish I had responded when I saw your post earlier. Because I think you should have responded to your ex's question about how the relationship could be different. The fact that she wrote you back and asked you that after you said you wanted no more contact gave you the opportunity to answer that question - a question that could be a barrier to reconciliation.

 

Her response now is "ill give you space til u feel that we ca be friends again." But you're not friends, so you can't be friends again. And notice, she's pushed it back on you to contact her. And you must contact her when you want to be friends, after you told her you want her to contact you if she wants a relationship.

 

Nonetheless, I think you need to go NC because at the moment you're too affected by her, affected by what's happening. You need that space and distance and the strength that comes with it.

 

But the answer to her question is: any relationship you have the second time around will be different because it's not the same relationship. There's a danger of falling into similar patterns, if you jump right back into the relationship and don't take enough time apart and reflect on and learn from what happened before. But it's that time and space that'll give you the most chance of getting it right. Because a lot of relationships falter because when problems crop up, the two of you don't figure out how to respond to them the right way the first time around, but with time and reflection you can see what you were doing wrong and you have the chance to get it right the second time, with the benefit of knowing what didn't work the first time.

[winniethepooh]

Will NC prove to her how serious I am about wanting to get back together? I did throw the ball right back in her court.

No, it proves how serious you are about respecting her desire to be left alone if she left you, and how serious you are about moving on without her. Whether or not she realises that might take some time for her.

 

Unless you are playing games, but then how does she know that?

 

Today I told my ex via text the following:

"Okay .... I love you. Please contact me when you believe we can start a new relationship, NOT go from the old one -- for we are different people now."

Ok, that sounds clear enough to me. But it comes accross as speaking from a position of authority as though the ball's in your court. And from other posts about the way you were in the relationship, I think it reinforces your attitude that led her to dump you.

 

This my reply after she sent me the following text "Okay i wont txt u anymore. Got it."

Don't read anything much into this. It was a reaction to your text laying things on the line. She might be trying to provoke another reaction from you (don't), it's just an emotional splutter on her part (don't respond), or whatever.

 

The friend thing was not working out at all.

I don't expect it will, not if you've just broken up. All that happens is you drag out the break-up, and prolong the pain (probably mostly yours).

 

I want to prove how much I love her but I can not do the friend thing either.

It's difficult to prove to someone how much you love them by text message alone.

 

My ex dumped me best I was a jerk to her for three years. In the end she said she could not trust me and that it will take time for her to heal. I was not ready for a relationship and she continued to push me to stay in the relationship, I was very weak. I then told her I loved her and she said no.

 

But she still wants to be friends with me. I am confused to as why; if I was that bad to her, why does she still want me in her life.

In the end, the whole time, I was just simply afraid and scared of love and commitment, of which she knew at the start of the relationship. I was so scared and afraid.

So what's changed and how do you know you won't continue like that? How does she know?

 

The desire to stay friends is common, especially with the "dumper." It's usually a bad idea, especially for the "dumpee."

 

She replied to my text with the following:

Theres no such thing as a new relationshp when we have already had one. That * * * * is part of us its our past-its always going to be there.

 

I am not sure how to reply. I love her so much and I can tell she still have many feelings for me. What should I reply back to her?

Well, she's not telling you to clear off, so maybe that's encouraging, especially given what you said about your past behavior that led to the break-up. And at this stage, I agree with her. You can't just make a new relationship with your ex in the immediate aftermath of a break-up. You can either move on and let it die, or try and repair it, but only if both really want to, and not without a great deal of effort.

 

So you could respond and say that yes, she's correct, you have thought a great deal about your past behavior and realize that you have a lot to work on, and is she interested in trying to work on finding a way to have a better relationship together.

 

Or you could go NC and send her a clear message that you're not interested. I don't think she's feeding you breadcrumbs, I think she's expressing some of her frustrations.

 

I want her back and I want her to realize that are two different people now.

Given that you said you were a jerk, if you want her to realize things, then your focus is wrong. If she thinks you were a jerk, that attitude will just reinforce that belief.

 

She is hurting from my ignorance and I am hurting because of my mistakes.

I think that is a good observation on your part. And going NC will mean the hurt fades for both of you, but I don't see that it will help get you back together.

 

I want to stay friends with her

Well, it's possible the benefit is that she has an opportunity to see how you change, I think there are situations in which people have successfully reconciled like that. But you are realising how difficult that is to do, and the risk is that she becomes happier with you as just a friend, and completely loses whatever desire she might have for a relationship with you.

 

I want to sent her the following text "Do you believe we can learn from the past and become stronger and wiser people for the future?"

Well, instead of asking her, you could just say that's what you want to do. Or something along those lines.

 

She is on the other side of the county

Well that makes it difficult. And you're not going to get a relationship back on track just be text messages alone. You could ask if she'd be willing to talk to you if you went to see her to talk about the relationship. But don't do something dramatic like just turn up out of the blue. And I think you should see if you can progress from text to phonecall first.

 

She has a lot of anger towards me,

Then I think it's encouraging (maybe) that she is still communicating with you on whatever level it is.

 

She responed with a text that pretty much agreed with what I said. She said dropping off the face of the earth was mean and ended by saying "ill give you space til u feel that we ca be friends again."

Ah, ok. Well, that kind of makes everything else I wrote moot. Hmmmm....

 

Then again, I think that might be a reaction to how you portrayed things, which did not come accross as very encouraging towards reconciliation communication. But she's not saying she wants to be left alone, she's respecting your desire to be left alone until you can become friends. Might be a matter of interpretation, maybe you can try one last thing.

 

Send her a message perhaps email is better than text in this case, but after you've sent it, let her know by text that you sent an email. Say that you're sorry things have ended this way and you think you might have been unclear about things. What you'd really like to do is talk to her about how to have a better relationship, and what you have done and can do to improve things. And that you would be willing to fly over there and see her to talk about things if she wanted that. But if she really only just wants to be friends, then you understand and respect that, and you will leave her alone in that case because you need to heal, and you can't be her friend while you do that.

 

If she rejects you again, then it won't make much difference since you've only just started on the path of pain. But I think it also leaves things a bit clearer, and a bit less like an ultimatum (which you kinda sounded like you were giving earlier).

 

But wait and see if you get a few more opinions.

 

So now the full NC starts. I must admit, I hurt a lot right now. I feel so sad. I will not contact her again and knowing that its all gone. She is out of my life because I can not just be her friend. I am in pain and its hard to not feel this. :sad:

 

What can I do to get this pain emptiness out of my heart?

Well, there's a ton of threads about how to do that. But basically, it will take time, it will hurt, focus on yourself and making yourself better, do exercise, find things to do that you enjoy (but avoid drink, drugs, sex, relationships), and so on.

[The Mouse]

not much i can add to that! All i would say is like has been said, your apart now, her decision, respect it, dont blame her try and understand her. If you understand her you'll realise hanging about might be comfort but its not helpful to yourself. Dont be hard on her or cave in to the NC, she wants you to respond when your ready, so by strict NC for a few months she'll really be wondering where you have got to and whats happening. While this goes on of course she could be on the way to moving on or being with a rebound which may or may work out but also so could you but if your love is strong and you did enough throughout the relationship to prove you could be a quality long term partner the chances are at some point down the line you will have the chance to show these changes instead of texting/small talk/pointless.

 

A closure email might not be a bad idea justnow. Just to let her know where your at, what you plan and make it to be in such a way shes under no pressure and neither does she feel guilt or frustration. She might appriciate that and realise you really are going to put in a lot of hard work to prove it, weither she lets you prove it later is anyones guess but you can certainly try and improve your chances by reading as many posts as possible.

 

 

 

Good luck, NC is a killer but i think in the light of a breakup the number 1 best only way to go until you feel ready and more settled.

[Hope2011]

I do like the email idea. But my concern that during my begging stage she made it clear she did not want to see me. Also, would sending an email send mixed messages about her making the decision to get back together?

 

I was thinking about how I would word it without weak.

[TomboyMS]

I do like the email idea. But my concern that during my begging stage she made it clear she did not want to see me. Also, would sending an email send mixed messages about her making the decision to get back together?

 

I was thinking about how I would word it without weak.

 

Post it here before you send it.

[Hope2011]

Okay this is what I have so far.

Dear "Her Name,"

 

I am sorry for the way things have ended. Last night I was unclear about certain things. Can we talk over the phone ... how to have a better relationship, about what I have done, and things I can do to improve things. *

 

If we stay friends, is there a way we can improve our relationship? *

 

-- That is what I have so far. I am not sure how not to talk about the past. I do not want to sound weak or begging. She has a lot of anger and pain built us towards me. I do not want to tick her off.

[lavenderdove]

When she says she is giving you space until you can be friends again, i think she is letting you know that she's not interested in a relationship, just friendship.

 

The problem there is you will be hoping to get back together, and so your friendship isn't 'honest' because you are keeping contact with ulterior motives.

 

Do you genuinely think you can accept just friendship? Hear about her life and how she's dating and eventually marrying some new guy? It doesn't sound like it... you are better off just retreating for at least a few months and healing before you even try to be just friends, otherwise you won't move forward with getting over her.

[Hope2011]

Lavenderdove that is very true. My ex does sound like she has either moved on or does not want to mess with a relationship with me any longer.

 

Today has been a day of much mixed feelings because I will probably not hear from her or talk to her for a very long time. I do miss her and love her. Yesterday she just showed how much anger she does have towards me. It's only time that will tell if she can truly forgive me.

 

The hard battle has now started.

[AnnaN]

I really believe you shouldn't text her or send an e-mail. You should talk to her. You said she lives away, then call her. Have a conversation, ask questions to each other and answer. All this writing thing may lead to misunderstandings. Like what you did, you texted her, you got cofused, she probably got confused, too, now you want to email her... Call her and be clear, tell her you want to change for the best and try again. Listen what she has to tell you, too. Make it clear that you don't want to be friends with her but your door is open if she wants reconciliation.

After that go NC, what you can do ends here, she has to take the next move.

[Hope2011]

AnnaN I should break NC to ask her if she would like to talk about reconciling?

 

Do you believe this is taking a few steps back, breaking my NC to figure what she wants?

[AnnaN]

AnnaN I should break NC to ask her if she would like to talk about reconciling?

 

Do you believe this is taking a few steps back, breaking my NC to figure what she wants?

 

You'd better do it now that NC has not even started. I think it is better than an email. Tell her what you want, what you are planning to email her. You will hear her reaction, you won't get an email that you will be trying to analyze and decode.

You will have both your questions asked and answered.

Clarify you are not interested in being her friend. Don't expect her to answer straightaway, give her some time, or ask her how much she needs, a few days, weeks, you know better and make clear that then she will have to make the next move. If nothing happenes in the time period you determined, you know the answer.

[magnoliatree]

You already told her to contact you if she wants to reconcile. Just back off for now, give her some space and respect her boundaries. Being pushy, especially since you weren't a good bf, isn't really going to help you.

[Hope2011]

Okay .... you don't believe her last text says how she feels? .... the one that said contact her when we can be friends again. The thing is that right now she is standing firm to her decision but past history with LC, she might be happy but she is also hurting. The anger and pain is what she seems is what she can not get past.

 

If a guy was a jerk towards you because he was afraid, would you want to hear what he has to say?

I want to fight for her but do not want to push her away.

 

As you can tell, this is hurting my brain. I just want her to give me a chance, a real chance. I do not want to play this power game with her ... but at the same time, if I have to to get back, I will.

[magnoliatree]

You told her: "ill give you space til u feel that we ca be friends again."

 

What part of contacting her again is giving her space???? Just don't do anything and let this breathe.

 

 

If a guy was a jerk towards you because he was afraid, would you want to hear what he has to say?

 

Nope. I would never talk to you again ever.

[Hope2011]

You told her: "ill give you space til u feel that we ca be friends again."

 

What part of contacting her again is giving her space???? Just don't do anything and let this breathe.

 

She texted me that after I told her I can not be friends with her.

[magnoliatree]

She texted me that after I told her I can not be friends with her.

 

Ah. I misread, but leave it. Just leave it alone for now.

[Hope2011]

Okay ..... do you believe one can forgive another for the way they treated them?

[magnoliatree]

I can forgive someone but that does not mean that I'd ever want to be with them again. For me, forgiveness is about not holding that anger inside, its not for the other person, it's to help me move on.

[Hope2011]

Okay .... why does she want to be my friend? If I was that bad, why would a girl want a guy who treated her so bad as her friend? I asked this question before and got that she is angry.

 

I am not a bad guy, just a guy who was afraid and scared of commitment.

[magnoliatree]

Okay .... why does she want to be my friend? If I was that bad, why would a girl want a guy who treated her so bad as her friend? I asked this question before and got that she is angry.

 

Plenty of women stay with men who mistreat them because they don't think that they deserve any better. She obviously has issues with boundaries so it's not surprising that she is trying to befriend you and is afraid to let you fully go.

[magnoliatree]

I think you have a lot of excuses for why you treated her badly, but you'd be better served by doing something proactive to change them instead of just blindly trying to get her back. Because if you haven't made real lasting improvements to yourself, she will dump you again - and much faster.

[Hope2011]

Makes sense ..... I just do not understand. Last week she text'd me that she did miss me and love me while last night was just texts full of anger.

 

I know I am a good guy; people do things they wouldn't when they are scared. Do you have any advice of how to overcome commitment issues? I was afraid of commitment when I was with her and she was way too clingy/needed in the relationship.

[magnoliatree]

You said that she dumped you because you treated her poorly throughout your relationship. Right now, you just sound like you aren't really facing what you did, etc... and are focusing on excuses ("but i'm a good guy") and justifications ("i was scared"). I think you need to take some time and honestly reflect on WHAT you did and then really work through the whys. If necessary, I'd go to a therapist or someone else who can talk to you objectively (since friends are sometimes not so helpful with this stuff) to help you really work this out so that you don't do it again in the future (with her or with someone else). This is a real opportunity for you to change for the better.