Today I finally did it.

[Hope2011]

Okay, good advice. Right now I just hurt more then anything.

[magnoliatree]

Okay, good advice. Right now I just hurt more then anything.

 

I know... that's why I think it's best for you to do nothing. Your head isn't clear and you are more likely than not to regret the things that you are considering doing right now. Letting this breathe and giving this space is not a bad thing. Being overly emotional and anxious isn't a good place to decide anything from. Just make a promise to yourself to not doing anything for, say, a week. And a week from now, revisit this. In the meantime, just try to calm down and get your head together. Let it be.

[Hope2011]

Okay .... I will make a promise to not anything. I will ignore her texts (if she does text), ignore her when she contacts me.

 

Today is only day one of full NC.

[Hope2011]

The hardest part in the healing process is dealing with the guilt aspect if the actions of the past. I have gone full NC from my ex, third day so far. How was others on ENA dealt with guilt during full NC?

[Ms Darcy]

Well healing is a process. You will feel a range of emotions as time goes on. Hang in there.

[winniethepooh]

I will ignore her texts (if she does text), ignore her when she contacts me.

How is that going to help you if you want to get back together?

 

I am not a bad guy, just a guy who was afraid and scared of commitment.

I think doing the NC on her the way you describe will reinforce her perception that you are afraid of commitment. It sounds to me like you are doing NC to try and push her to contact you with a request to get back together, not because you want to heal and/or respect her desire to leave you. Given what you said about your behavior, and her contacts, I'm not convinced she wants to leave you. Yes, she might just want to friendzone you, but I'm not convinced of that either.

 

If a guy was a jerk towards you because he was afraid, would you want to hear what he has to say?

Yes (well, change he to she in my case). If it was sincere and she wasn't playing games. And probably depending on how much of a jerk she was.

 

Okay this is what I have so far.

Dear "Her Name,"

 

I am sorry for the way things have ended. Last night I was unclear about certain things. Can we talk over the phone ... how to have a better relationship, about what I have done, and things I can do to improve things. *

 

If we stay friends, is there a way we can improve our relationship? *

 

-- That is what I have so far. I am not sure how not to talk about the past. I do not want to sound weak or begging. She has a lot of anger and pain built us towards me. I do not want to tick her off.

What happened with this? If you haven't said or sent this, I would leave out the bit about staying friends. That's not a realistic option for you (or her I expect) right now.

 

The rest of it doesn't sound weak or begging to me.

 

If she has anger and pain because of your behavior in the relationship, and you think it's justified or at least understandable, then being hard-nosed about this NC business is not going to help you in my opinion, if she is still contacting you after she left you.

 

I think I'm missing something here

[Hope2011]

@ winniethepooh

 

At the end of the relationship we wanted to be friends but I could/can not do it. I went NC and I finally did text her last week I could not just be friends. I do want her back, but I am afraid she has so much pain in anger built up towards me that if we do become friends again, it would eat up our friendship.

 

I don't know what to do. I still cry at least once a day, miss her imnemsly, and want to be with her again. This full NC has been a bit of a struggle, a huge one. I just do not know what to do -- I love her so much.

[Hope2011]

I'm completely confused. You send her a message saying you love her and wanting to start a new relationship with her, but then you talk about going NC to prove how serious you are about wanting the get back together?? That makes no sense at all (to me). ........

 

You always leave me with a different perspective Capricorn3 -- thank you. I thought being her friend would work fir me but it proved to be harder then I thought. Also, doing NC right is hurting but helping to give a time to think.

 

What do you recommend me doing Wise Capricorn3?

[Jim Wormold]

You always leave me with a different perspective Capricorn3 -- thank you. I thought being her friend would work fir me but it proved to be harder then I thought. Also, doing NC right is hurting but helping to give a time to think.

 

What do you recommend me doing Wise Capricorn3?

 

I really like capricorn3, Ms Darcy, Lithp and winniethepooh posts here - you have a great support group!

 

Also, please do firstly consider how much of a part you played in causing the break up.

 

If you feel you are mostly carrying the blame, then be very careful with (hard core) NC.

I am not saying it might be wrong for you as I dont know your situation enough.

 

What i do know is that while I find this forum to be a great support system, you need

to be able to run that all that helpful and well-intended input through your own inner voice filter too,

as only you know your situation best.

 

I was the main factor in causing my break up. What I regret most was dropping

off the radar when there were 2 critical weeks when she was open to working on things.

 

 

Way too much online reading, and not enough introspection and reflection on my part.

 

 

I thought NC was needed to reconcile, but I was just too inexperienced in these matters.

I am convinced that NC only encouraged her perception of my neglect and communication issues.

 

Also, a few forum members advised I return her stuff. It only worsened things...so much so, that

she wont even have contact with me now, when she did previously. I have to take responsibility

for my actions...but please just remember to listen to your own inner self too.

 

(Read through as many Thorshammer responses as you can in the archive and try to avoid the harmful jaded

ones from other posters you fortunately havent had on your thread yet. His posts, and my Psychiatrist helped me

understand where I went wrong. I have given up hope now - I messed things even more up in my post-BU time.

Well, at least I can work on myself for someone else now.)

[Hope2011]

@ Jim Wormold

 

Thank you for your post! I am taking a week off till I contact her again. She wants to be friends but being friends was just too hard for me. The relationship ended because I was a jerk to her and very afraid of commitment. She has so much anger towards me that it hurts me knowing I was the one that messed everything up.

 

I want to talk to her but I do not want to be the jerk she left. We have a lot in common and even though our relationship was very rocky, I am unsure if she will ever come back to me. That hope is what's going to kill me. She sounds like she does not want me out of her life, but I need to get myself back so when I do talk to her, I won't break down. I know my careless mistakes in the relationship, it crashed in burned cause of me. Guilt us what is killing me. She is definitely the one with the power right now. I do not want to get tossed around but know I fully deserve it.

[Jim Wormold]

I know exactly what you mean with guilt. It has had an enormous impact on me.

After 3 months I am still working on that issue and it feels the most challenging.

I feel though, that the more progress I can make on myself, the more I can start

to look at the guy from 3 months back with a certain...I dont know, distance maybe.

I guess its just learning from ones mistakes and making sure you remember those

issues in the future. Which is why I started my own notebook, so I dont go through all this

again later on. And so I actively use that input from others. It shouldnt just be theory.

 

I do understand what you are saying about getting oneself back as well as the time one

needs for oneself. That is why I am wary at defining a clear answer to your situation.

 

My latest discovery about myself was that I simply didnt communicate things clearly. I assumed

she understood my actions. Now I am learning to be as clear as possible, because if anything,

my post-break up time is soaked in misunderstandings. So my ex's anger/hurt is not able to see those

well-intended actions of mine later, simply because I didnt communicate what I was doing. Laughably

simple, I know.

 

At the same time, I am also trying to keep her off a pedestal -we are all only human

 

Very complex ones too.

[Hope2011]

@Jim Wormold

 

Do you keep in contact with your ex?

 

I have writing in my journal and it's been helping a lot. But neither the less, the pain still remains. Your last statement is very true ... "we are all only human Very complex ones too."

[Jim Wormold]

@Jim Wormold

 

Do you keep in contact with your ex?

 

Not exactly. If I text, then I may get answer a week later, same when I leave

a message on her voicemail (I dont expect to speak to her immediately anymore).

 

I did things that this forum would have scorned - I left her a birthday message on her

voicemail and I sent her a hand-made card plus a kind of fairy tale story I invented

with a bit of mojo effect (reminding of good times or using something she associates

with good feelings that shows you listened to her eg favourite animal, etc), something endearing

and I attempted to make our misunderstandings and my feelings clear. I like humour, but I know

one has to be careful it doesnt come accross as not caring - so it is tricky writing letters and cards.

 

I felt I wronged her, so I wasnt afraid to push her ego and admit my mistakes.

 

I need to respect her boundaries now though. My situation now means I dont really want to have too

many details on her life these days - may only impede my healing. So, unless she shows an interest

in reconciling, I definitely would have a problem with friendship when.... well, know you the post BU

exs fears...too horrible to put in words.

 

But I just needed that last good contact that may hopefully give her a smile at the very least.

 

Now I am on my own with a new chapter in my life. If she wants

to contact me one day then I wont be playing any games (not that I have, just worry my post BU time appears

that way) - I will be there for her. But I have stopped expecting it may happen and dont know if I may

even be available one day were she finally to even contact me. Thats the part about this that truly sucks.

 

Try for now to search the archive on what Thorshammer writes on correcting ones faults- the push/pull theory.

There is so much one doesnt even need to ask him - its all there.

 

I think I only gave her more push post BU, after my initial pushing away pre-break up time.

[Hope2011]

@Jim Wormold

 

I will read the push/pull theory.

 

How would you describe the healing process for the guilt you are feeling?

[Jim Wormold]

@Jim Wormold

 

I will read the push/pull theory.

 

How would you describe the healing process for the guilt you are feeling?

 

To be honest with you, I dont actually know myself.

 

It is still there (though to a lesser extent), but it is just that my feelings of intense hurt/disappointment

with myself/guilt all come in waves. Very occasionally I feel a complete sense of numbness

or nothingness, which its quite a relief. Losing hope can help. When you finally understand how

alone you are and that only you can look after you...that's when you have to start putting that guilt

aside and try to get on. Guilt always has that sense that someone actually cares. When you understand

that you are absolutely on your own and no one cares if you mess up your work day or not, that's when you

have to start getting your head together. That is where I am at now.

 

According to Blase Harris, guilt is only meant as an (important) alarm signal that things are wrong - but

it is up to you to take heed. To process things and become a better human being. At some point the mind and

body has to know that you understood you did wrong and that it is ok to switch the alarm off again.

 

Often for me personally it is accompanied by a sense of incomprehension that this was me. Makes it sound

like I did terrible things - actually not. I just did not take care for the last month of the 8 month LDR relationship.

Which is bad enough I guess. She says I take too much of the blame, that she changed while she was abroad

but who knows.

 

And how would you describe it for you?

[Hope2011]

@Jim Wormold

 

I would describe my guilt as me crying because the relationship fall apart was 100% my fault. I mistreated her badly and I have to live the rest of my life knowing that. I try to forget it but it's not easy to forget ones mistake. I messed up so bad and knowing that she is happy gives me mixed feelings. She still wants me in her life but right now the cloak of messing up just hurts.

 

Guilt is eating my soul up in so many ways. I took a walk today in hopes to get the feeling off and it did not work but for a few hours. I just love her so much and it did not take me to realize it, till she broke it off. My guilt I must say is what is causing me to break down. I know the mistakes I made and it hurts. I have been jobless and the break-up is on my mind more then anything in the world.

[winniethepooh]

At the end of the relationship we wanted to be friends but I could/can not do it.

You wanted friendship? Or she wanted friendship? Or both of you wanted friendship? Anyway, whichever one it is, you cannot usually go straight from a relationship to friendship, as you've discovered.

 

but I am afraid she has so much pain in anger built up towards me that if we do become friends again, it would eat up our friendship.

Not something to worry about now. First you both have to heal, then you can decide if you want a friendship or not.

 

I don't know what to do. I still cry at least once a day, miss her imnemsly, and want to be with her again. This full NC has been a bit of a struggle, a huge one. I just do not know what to do -- I love her so much.

I think you're focused on NC for the wrong reason - for you the reason seems to be that you want to get back together with her.

 

Given what you say about your guilt and how you treated her, then each time she contacts you could be seen as an opportunity for you to work towards (possibly) getting back together and improving things. Doing the NC to her will just reinforce that you have no desire to work on things in terms of a relationship.

 

Unless she is adamant about only wanting to be friends with you (maybe this is the bit I'm missing), in which case, yes, you have to respectfully say to her that that's something you can only realistically consider after you've healed. Which will take months, not days or weeks. And in the meantime you have to leave each other alone.

[Hope2011]

@ Winniethepooh

I do need to heal and I have a long road ahead of me. My ex said she pretty could not have a relationship with me ever again but still wants to remain friends. With that said, she is sticking with staying just friends, or wanting to be friends. From our last time we contacted, I could tell she still has a lot of anger towards me.

 

I think NC will help me out a lot. I do believe she will send a closure text about us. I am trying to deal with this the best I can. I am doing NC to try to grasp a hold of myself. I just have hope, that's all I have.

[Jim Wormold]

Hope2011,

 

I am feeling sooo much better.

 

Why? Because I have been clear about my feelings for her, she knows I have done everything

in my power to work on my faults - including therapy and reading material. She knows I was

willing to spend ages on a hand-made birthday card and cute story that explains what happened

from my side in what I see as a series of misunderstandings.

 

I have done everything I could to push her ego and to be the one to own up to his faults (neglect,

communication issues). Everything I have learnt has been for me (and my next girlfriend...)

- not for getting back with her.

 

Her not being able to even find it within herself to spend two minutes for a thank you text for the

card weirdly had a positive effect for me that I actually needed. I know for myself that my feeling

of no hope and hanging on to her supposed confused desire/non-desire to try again .....has moved

on to a feeling of closure and that is such a relief!!!!!

 

I never begged or cried or even bothered her with loads of phone calls or text. I always gave her

the space she needed - maybe even too much. And this is now just appearing more and more pathetic

to me.

 

What i am saying is...I dont know what you did, but my ex certainly is not without fault and I have

gone overboard with beating myself up.

 

My sister said this and others on this board too - I have finally recognised it. Maybe the same happens

for you in time... Just keep working on yourself, for yourself, and you will see things clearer eventually

- you will also treat yourself better.

 

From now on I will not be the one to initiate contact and I am not interested in a kind of communication where

all I have are x number of sms characters at my disposal.

[f1r3f1y3]

Sorry if this was asked already, did you cheat on her?

 

Don't go total NC. Change her name in your phone to "opportunity" and reply promptly. When she doesn't text, sit on your hands.

 

This can be difficult, the trick is to keep very busy. This is your time to reinvent yourself, get fit, get some new hobbies etc.

[Hope2011]

@f1r3f1y3

 

We were exclusive and I did make a few mistakes when I was not with her. I was not ready for the relationship but she kept it going. She asked for commitment and I said I was not ready. It was then I turned around and wanted her but the damage was already done. The relationship ended because of me. I was not ready but it was till I lost her that I wanted her. People can judge me all they want, but at the end of the day ... I have learned and will fight for her.

 

Some have said that a break-up is a blessing to the dumpee, I will have to agree with this statement. Its a blessing but I lost the one I love. She is sure she wants me as a friend due to my mistakes but I want to be friends to prove it to her. I have to change myself ... like the great advice I have been receiving.

 

If she text, I will text her back and not push her away.

[f1r3f1y3]

So yes.. then

 

I think you have said enough to her, your position is clear. Work on yourself, your life, career, health, family, friends. There's a lot to be done! Don't say sorry anymore.

 

You will just have enough time to reply to her texts when she makes contact. And hey, Christmas is coming up, if she hasn't made contact by then, you're allowed 1 free text to tell her how awesome your new hobby is.

 

Good luck.

[Ms Darcy]

My ex said she pretty could not have a relationship with me ever again but still wants to remain friends. With that said, she is sticking with staying just friends, or wanting to be friends. From our last time we contacted, I could tell she still has a lot of anger towards me.

 

@f1r3f1y3

 

We were exclusive and I did make a few mistakes when I was not with her.

 

What I am hearing is that you did cheat, correct?

 

I am not judging, but I can see how she can say she'll never get back with you.

[Hope2011]

Yes, I have man'ed up to my mistakes. I have said I am sorry a whole lot.

 

Ms Darcy, I was the jerk ... whatever name you can think of. I do agree with you Darcy, but she still wants to be with me.

[Ms Darcy]

Did she say she wants to be with you?

 

Jerk is different from cheater. To me jerk means rude/insensitive. Cheater means breaks trust.