Today I finally did it.

[Syphilis]

Hi Hope,

 

Just been reading the whole thread, and I'm in a similar situation (jeark and ex involved in a new relatonship). I can only give you my full support on this, I know how it hurts.

 

 

Here are a few advices that may help you to go through the next weeks :

 

- Keep NC, and if she tries to contact you, don't bring up that new relationship. It'll make you look needy and most importantly, it'll add fuel to your own furstration, and prevent you to keep healing. If you feel enough cool about all this (which I doubt, as it's fresh news), you can still answer gently and in a friendly way. As a jerk, being able to deal with this with a cool and respectful mind is an ACT by itself, she'll see it. But again, don't fake it or it will show.

 

- Her new relationship is probably a rebound (the full healing process takes months, if not years for an intense relationship). Now the question is : what is the rebound giving her you did not anymore? You said you had issues. The truth is people with issues don't involve with people that have no issues...that's something I learned with my therapy. As a needy jerk ( as I was), your ex probably had big self esteem problems to stay with you (as mine did). She may try to get some atention and self consideration from this rebound, that actually makes her feel good (but it's not love per say).

 

- people that get emotional fast when entering a new relationship are actually projecting / fantasizing on the other person : they do not know the other person, his/her flaws and defaults. They project unconscious conflicts and think the other one will help solving them. The rebound may or may not work, but considering she has issues too and had not the time to work on them, and to heal, her new relationship is gonna be tough to make work. But again, don't focus on this, this does not concern you anymore. Keep on healing and working on your own issues, so you'll be a in much better position, whether she comes back or not. Actually, by working on your issues, you will become more aware of other issues, and maybe she won't attract you anymore!

 

Hang on there, and keep cool.

 

Best wishes for this new year!

[Hope2011]

Syphilis

 

Thank you for your advice.

I did not follow my heart and I lost the girl I care for the most.

[winniethepooh]

I did not follow my heart and I lost the girl I care for the most.

I really hope that's not the conclusion you've come to. It makes no sense to me.

 

I think you were following your heart and emotions, and they were confused and in turmoil and led you up the garden path with NC or just friends or whatever.

 

My ex dumped me best I was a jerk to her for three years. In the end she said she could not trust me and that it will take time for her to heal. I was not ready for a relationship and she continued to push me to stay in the relationship, I was very weak. I then told her I loved her and she said no.

We were exclusive and I did make a few mistakes when I was not with her. I was not ready for the relationship but she kept it going. She asked for commitment and I said I was not ready. It was then I turned around and wanted her but the damage was already done. The relationship ended because of me. I was not ready but it was till I lost her that I wanted her. People can judge me all they want, but at the end of the day ... I have learned and will fight for her.

You lost her in the first place because you treated her badly.

 

Then she moved on because either she just wanted to be friends, or she had enough of you doing the NC to her. I never got the sense you were very clear in your communications with her after the break-up. Nor was it clear to me what she wanted. Nevertheless, once you went NC on her, it gave her little choice but to move on (which might have been what she was doing anyway). That's not following your heart or your head, that's just following a rule without really thinking about why.

[Hope2011]

I did NC because she already made it clear she just wanted to be friends with me.

I can not be friends with someone I hurt because it hurts me. It hurts I was a commitment phob and ruined my relationship because of this issue.

 

I did NC so I can heal. It's obvious to me she did much of her healing already.