They dumped you for a reason

[Eocsor]

For all you boys and girls out there in lala land furiously figuring out a way to get your ex back I invite you to think about something. Your ex dumped you because they saw a brighter future without you. They didn't dump you because it was the perfect relationship with a few flaws, they dumped you because they thought they could do better in life. You weren't making them happy and they figured someone else could. You didn't make the grade.

 

That doesn't mean you aren't a great person because you are.You just aren't great for them. So before you rush off to the gym, or sign up for that economics class, or do a million things to improve yourself that don't really matter, think about the fact that they didn't WANT YOU! If they did, they wouldn't have left. And any cosmetic touches you make to your personality won't really matter. Because you are who you are underneath it all and they are who they are. A fresh coat of paint won't cover up the fact that it's the same old house. And if they didn't like it before the paint job, they'll soon discover it's the same old house after and they'll leave again.

 

So get a grip on reality and stop chasing someone who doesn't want you. Stop deluding yourself that all you have to do is make a few changes and they'll be back when they see the new you. It ain't a gonna happen.

 

Oh sure, someone will come up with a success story and you'll all go, that could be me. I better hang on for another few months because they're gonna see the light soon. They won't. The light went out a long time ago

 

So grab some pride, suck it up, take the pain, and move the fritz on to a better life with someone who actually gives a dam about you. Of course, if you love pain, hang in there you masochist you. Theres plenty where that came from.

[DylanNotorious]

LoL but some people really do need a make-over and it's not just for their current partner, but it's too attract new potentials. They maybe the same old house, but it can't hurt to get a fresh coat of paint, and do some renovations!

[Galaxo]

I agree totally. There is a reason a ex is a ex, even when you dont want it to be that way.

[Fudgie]

I agree totally. I've left past boyfriends not because of flaws (weight gain, laziness, bad habits) but because we just weren't compatible either from the start or we grew that way. When I left, I was just gone.

 

Guy could go to the gym and bulk up, get a 4 year degree in something really, really impressive, land a big job...doesn't matter. They are still the same incompatible person to me and it's not like those sorts of superficial changes would make them any more right for me.

[Milsch]

As with most generalisations, there's some truth in that. But it's not always the case. Sometimes a person ends a relationship because they feel they have to, rather than because they want to. That doesn't mean they'll come back of course.

[Cityslick]

Hmmm....

 

Well I figured that the whole point of much of the advice here on this forum was to move on and work on improving oneself. Plus focusing on other things seems to be effective in getting over the relationship that was lost as many have also said. So if someone who was the dumpee decides to go to the gym, take a cooking class, etc...shouldn't it be about THEM and not their ex? If they are doing these things to get their ex back everyone knows it wouldn't work anyway as people tend to see right thru it. I agree with Dylan, it serves 2 purposes, getting over your ex and making yourself even more attractive to newer, better people.

 

I understand where you're coming from and I agree that superficial changes do not lead to reconciliation or if it does the relationship is pretty much dead in the water. But why is it a given that every person is going to always be the same old house? Is change not the one constant that we have on this earth? It seems like you're saying 'you are who you are and there's no changing that so just find someone to deal with you'. But what if you're really a douchebag?

 

Maybe I'm naive cuz I'm only in my 20's and I haven't had a good amount of time to solidify my personality/identity into some unshakable and immovable entity. Yet, I do also believe that if you do tear down the old house and build the new one, or even if you make superficial changes, they DO matter BUT only if you do it for YOU and not whoever you're going after. You may not be able to change another person into who you want them to be but why couldn't they change themselves for their own sake?

 

Its like if a guy suffers from shyness and anxiety and somehow manages to pull a girlfriend. Then, eventually she leaves because she doesn't feel like being around this nervous wreck all the time. If he goes to counseling or something and eventually emerges as a guy who really wholeheartedly overcame his anxiety, gained some confidence and is living a much happier, better life, is that superficial? Is he still the same old house if he did these things for himself without the intent of getting his ex back?

 

Essentially that may be one of the differences between those that get their exes back and those that don't.

[winniethepooh]

Yes, they dumped you for a reason, or reasons. They might be reasons to do with you, or them, or both. But you can only really change yourself. So if there are things about yourself that you don't like, then focus on changing them.

 

That doesn't mean you aren't a great person because you are.You just aren't great for them. So before you rush off to the gym, or sign up for that economics class, or do a million things to improve yourself that don't really matter, think about the fact that they didn't WANT YOU! If they did, they wouldn't have left. And any cosmetic touches you make to your personality won't really matter. Because you are who you are underneath it all and they are who they are. A fresh coat of paint won't cover up the fact that it's the same old house. And if they didn't like it before the paint job, they'll soon discover it's the same old house after and they'll leave again.

If the motivation to improve yourself comes from hope that your ex might want you again, then although that's not the best motivation, it does at least mean you're going out and doing things, hopefully to make you a better person. And in the meantime the hope of reconciliation fades, your confidence and internal drive increases, and eventually you're doing things for the right reasons. Those changes are gradual, not instant.

 

Moving onwards and upwards is important. Use whatever works for you to motivate yourself

[thejigsup]

Anytime I dumped someone it was for a very good reason. Even if they "fixed" what was wrong I would never go back. I mean, it took me leaving for them to care how I felt? Sorry. End of story. Never gone back to a dumpee and never will.

[jumper11]

You have some points but this isn't always the case. They don't always leave because you didn't 'make the grade.' In some cases, sure, you're correct. But I wouldn't say this is always the case. My ex left me, and later tried to come back, and it all happened the opposite of what you're saying - circumstances, environments they're in and so on make things differ substantially.

[deeplongbreath]

Eocsor, your posts often give me the giggles. This one is so embittered that I once again have to laugh. Thanks, you just made my day

[Carus]

If the motivation to improve yourself comes from hope that your ex might want you again, then although that's not the best motivation, it does at least mean you're going out and doing things, hopefully to make you a better person. And in the meantime the hope of reconciliation fades, your confidence and internal drive increases, and eventually you're doing things for the right reasons. Those changes are gradual, not instant.

 

Moving onwards and upwards is important. Use whatever works for you to motivate yourself

Basically this...^^

 

There is that saying: When life hands you lemons, make lemonade*

 

If a bad breakup is the trigger to self improvement then so be it.

 

I will agree that in the beginning one will throw themselves into it in the hope that the ex will come back, but as the reality starts to become clear, you are already on your way to betterment for the future...

 

I know all the things I learned since that last traumatic breakup will serve me well for the rest of my days....and as they say: Doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results is the cornerstone of madness*

 

I'm glad I was forced into change, self-improvement and heightened spiritual and self awareness because my next RS will be far beyond any of the ones I've had previously*

 

Ever Forward

Carus* 8-)

[Awoken]

That's exactly what I wanted to say. Amen. Great reply!

[Awoken]

Basically this...^^

 

There is that saying: When life hands you lemons, make lemonade*

 

If a bad breakup is the trigger to self improvement then so be it.

 

I will agree that in the beginning one will throw themselves into it in the hope that the ex will come back, but as the reality starts to become clear, you are already on your way to betterment for the future...

 

I know all the things I learned since that last traumatic breakup will serve me well for the rest of my days....and as they say: Doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results is the cornerstone of madness*

 

I'm glad I was forced into change, self-improvement and heightened spiritual and self awareness because my next RS will be far beyond any of the ones I've had previously*

 

Ever Forward

Carus* 8-)

 

I can definitely feel you on this one. I'm on a 2 year self-imposed relationship haiatus. Sorting my 'stuff' out that runied my last relationship. DON'T every want to be in the pain I am right now. So agree with you totally!

[Lenny70]

I thought this forum was supposed to be about Getting Back Together.

[Tanzi]

I, for one, thoroughly enjoyed your post Eocsor, although, I do believe that this is more about YOUR own realisation than giving advice.

 

I would also like to make the point that working on yourself is NOT a bad thing ... as long as you are doing it for yourself and not with the hope that your ex is going to fall madly in love with you all over again.

[Tanzi]

I thought this forum was supposed to be about Getting Back Together.

 

No, not at all. No advice can make that happen.

 

Plenty of people come here wanting advice on how to get their ex back or wanting an outside opinion on what the chances are that their ex will want/wants them back ... and there will always be plenty of thoughts and opinions on that. Indeed, there are ways you can help yourself but, for the most part, the advice generally given will be in the form of telling someone that they need to accept the situation, take a step back and work on themselves, for themselves. If doing all of this suddenly reawakens an ex's desire then that is an added bonus but it should never be the main focus.

[dabbledave]

I agree with the OP in so much as the "Getting Back Together" forum should really be for situations in which both the dumpee and the dumper have agreed to give it another shot.

 

I'm sure there are issues unique to getting back together, such as finding genuine forgiveness for past hurts, letting go of paranoid thoughts about what he/she might have done with others during the hiatus, etc, that are rich subject matter for this forum topic.

 

Everyone hoping and wishing for another chance with their ex but don't actually have that chance right now should really be posting in the "Healing After ..." forum, because getting back together is probably more likely to succeed in the long run if both parties are fully healed from the old relationship.

 

So start healing now! Worry about getting back together only if the opportunity presents itself! In my very recent experience, worrying about the hows and whens of getting back together caused nothing but anxiety for me.

 

In any case I certainly don't plan to start a thread in the GBT forum unless my ex indicates she wants to start again (and if I agree with her).

 

Cheers,

 

DD

[BlueRose66]

Not all situations are so black and white. Everyone's situations are unique as is each relationship. For the most part, yes, When you have been dumped it is the dumpers last resort. They may have tried to work out the relationship and its issues for a long time with you and you werent listening. Finally, they gave up!

 

All the surface improvements cant hurt, but it is usually the deeper issues that need to be adressed. This takes time and a lot of introspection as well as looking realistically at the relationship and its dynamics.

[AnnaN]

I'd like to think like this. I was dumped, he said I was the perfect girlfriend, he couldn't ask for anything more, but he doesn't want to have any girlfriend right now.

If I believe him, there's nothing to do to learn from my mistakes etc.

I am also doing nothing about the self-improvement thing as a tactic to get him back. I am who I am, I continue with my job, studies, hobbies, the only difference is that I am alone now. (and for some reason, I have no motivation to chase anything good in my life).

He said he dumped because his life was a mess, he hadn't figured out things that he had to years ago, like his job, career, he was still living with his parents. I distracted him from all the problems because we had a good relationship and he didn't pay attention to the other stuff. He wants to be alone for the next year, we are over, that's it.

 

He obviously sees a brighter future without me, he was also afraid of further commitment. He may had other reasons to dump me that never said, but he seems to be honest, I learn from other people what he is doing his days and nights.

 

My pride and dignity would never allow to chase and hope for someone that left me because he didn't want to be with me any more, whatever the reason. But this is what I want and it cannot be explained rationally.

 

I believe in reconciliations when there are not major problems like fightings, cheatings. Maybe the dumper has freaked out for some reason, needs his space and time to deal with his problems and emotions.

But if there are problems in the relationship, even after reconciliation, they will come up again, having new hobbies and skills will not help.

[winniethepooh]

I am also doing nothing about the self-improvement thing as a tactic to get him back. I am who I am, I continue with my job, studies, hobbies, the only difference is that I am alone now. (and for some reason, I have no motivation to chase anything good in my life).

You are doing something new though, you're reading about relationships and posting on ENA . We're all real people with real stories, and I find it helpful to know I'm not alone in how I think and feel at the moment. I know many of us probably think we are wasting a lot of time on here, but maybe not. And at least it's better than wasting time doing nothing, or something destructive.

 

But I do know what you mean, when you struggle to find what it is you did wrong of any significance, why change? However, there are always new things to do, places to go, people to meet. Even though the motivation is lacking, every now and then one of those new things, places, or people will make you smile

[ZackMorris]

Hahahahaha. Damn, you must have gotten burned pretty badly. What happened? And does it make you feel better about it just absolutely bury everyone else?

 

To offer a counterpoint, I dumped my college girlfriend. We had been together for almost 4 years. My "train" had not left the station, or the "light" had not gone out, or whatever other ridiculous finality you want to put on it. I was fed up with issues in our relationship and it seemed better to just not deal with it anymore. I quit. Like most other situations in life, when the negatives outweigh the positives, you usually quit. But 2 or 3 or 4 months later (I forget how long, exactly) I came crawling back. For a while I was on a "high" and I thought it'd be awesome without her but it wasn't. I tried to be all empowered and high and mighty for a while but it was bull * * * * . I ignored her birthday while on this power trip and ended up just feeling like an * * * * * * * . And if she had made some serious changes during that time regarding things I had issues with, I probably would have wanted her back even more. Fact. When I finally convinced her to get back together with me I was motivated by the old her with no changes, so I can't imagine how much stronger that feeling would have been if she had seriously taken the time to figure out some things on her end. But a few months down the line, she dumped me, because she couldn't get over the fact that I broke her heart. So we broke up twice. Each time it felt like it was brand new. Terrible feeling that I'll never forget.

 

To make the story even more interesting, about a year and a half after that she started flirting with me in a major way. Bringing up things about our relationship. I returned it. I don't think it was realistic for us to get back together at that point (she had moved several states away), but it just goes to show that that "thing" between two people, if the relationship was serious and lasted a long time and "at that level," never completely goes away. And if you're able to seriously take the time to fix yourself, by going to a counseler, by really figuring out what your negative issues are (and we all have them, and no matter how small I think they're worth investigating), and these are real changes, then you might have a great chance at reconciliation and if not you're all the better for it anyways.

 

I'll also say this: go read the hell out of some Al Turtle.

[Brownstone322]

So get a grip on reality and stop chasing someone who doesn't want you. Stop deluding yourself that all you have to do is make a few changes and they'll be back when they see the new you. It ain't a gonna happen.

Dude ... you need to come to grips with all that bitterness.

[hausser]

Good post.

 

I've had a similar experience as the dumper.

[Thorshammer]

Everyone has different experiences in life, what is true to them, and the experiences of people around them, they think will be true for everyone. I am not saying this because I believe ex's will come back, I am pointing out that its just as absurd to believe that an ex will come not come back because they left, as it is for the dumpee to believe an ex will come back because they used to be together. I believe "giving up hope is the best way to cope"- so, in that regards its best to give up and move on, it will help ease the pain, as opposed to hanging on and prolonging it, or pausing it due to expectations.

 

My out-look on life is different. Everyone I know (including me) got their ex's back or has their ex's trying to come back, except for one cousin. So I dont see things as negative, but it doesnt mean I expect my recent ex to come back (I actually dont expect her to ever come back, and i really dont care anymore).

 

Also, take this heart-break for what its worth. Learn from it, improve yourself, even if the focus is on them, learning from this will improve your chances of finding a better mate, and in avoiding the mistakes that led to the BU. You miss this opportunity when you have the desire to fix what happened, then you will be right back here talking about how ex's dont come back when the next one leaves.

[fleurs]

I get it. If that is what you need to get over it, good for you! Anger can be quite the motivator. Just make sure it doesn't affect you to a damaging point, use it to get over it and then be done and move on.