They dumped you for a reason

[ZackMorris]

Great post. That's how I feel right now, that my current break up is a damn great thing in a lot of ways. I'm simultaneously thrilled and heartbroken. Thrilled because I know how necessary it was for me/us to grow in essential ways to hopefully create an even better relationship. Heartbroken for obvious reasons. We're mid/late 20's, though, had been together for almost 3 years, right on that cusp of marriage. Not sure if that's what you're talking about by "broken up for an extended period" in your example. But if we were to get back together, I can completely see how necessary this split would be for the health of a future marriage.

[MissMazzi]

Whilst I agree that superficial changes don't usually make the cut and don't last long etc. I believe that if a person wants to truly change for *them* then, yes indeed they can and those changes will be real. It's possible to reprogram your brain and the way you think. Yes for alot of us, it does take an external event to wake up and smell the coffee. That's reality and it's pretty immature to slate one for deciding to make changes after such a trauma. Through pain, we all learn. No?

 

I mean, what you say all really depends on the context. You might be perfect for them, but it could be that you have an anger problem stemming from childhood that you haven't properly addressed yet, and as a result permeates all other areas of your life, causing the other to leave. It really does depend on the situation, so I don't think it's fair to be all cut and dry and say that it's impossible for anyone of us to ever change. I think for alot of people, it's their same destructive patterns, making the other person leave, that causes their relationships to fail, not the case of their persona as such, but their behaviour towards the other, and that can ALWAYS be worked on. You just have to want to do it for your sake and then it doesn't become a lie.

[octour]

The following article/answer base pertains to marriages, hope it helps people who are looking for stats:

link removed

[veneratio]

Where's this bitterness most of you are talking about?

 

All I see is truth, it might be a little harsh, but Eocsor's post has a lot of truth in it. It also has the mindset that most of the dumpees need who are in hopes of getting back together with their ex. I see a common pattern here. I see that a lot of people are in agreement in regards to break ups being necessary for growth..for change, but I also see a lot of people holding onto a sliver of hope at the same time. That's why Eocsor's mindset is necessary. That sliver has the power to destroy any and all healing and growth you've done thus far. You don't have to agree with his opinion...that your ex wont come back, but I would take to heart the idea of destroying that hope. Or trying to. Best bet for your sanity's sake.

[OrangeMoon]

I am 3.5 years after the breakup that brought me to do this site (hence the username ;-) LOL..but as a deep heartbreak survivor..Eocsor is totally right..

Its so hard to read this when you are in the middle of the suffering process..but its all true. the ones that find each other are the exception NOT the rule.. and

 

For many so called 'good relationships' its a challenge to keep this working out..imagine the ones that were broken before..

 

That is why I hardly even come back to this forum anymore. its such a waste to see all of this hurting..i understand it though. And know its just part of the emotional process. But the best thing you can do for you. Is to DO YOU!..move on..and let life happen. Dating in itself is difficult enough..and the best thing is to get in the saddle as soon as possible.

 

I still make mistakes and have taken a breather from the millionth mistake that I have made in the land of the dreamers of longlasting love..

 

Consider yourself the best thing they have never had, work on getting more insights into your own behaviours that you could look at objectively as things that might cause problems down the line for yourself and get back in the game fast. I waited too long to do that, thus leading in dumb mistakes out of fear of loneliness..

[Tomuch2hope]

As with most generalisations, there's some truth in that. But it's not always the case. Sometimes a person ends a relationship because they feel they have to, rather than because they want to. That doesn't mean they'll come back of course.

 

I know this comment is going to get me the proverbial slap to the head! But here goes;

 

That sounds like something you'd hear from the so called Modern, Strong, Independent, 21st century woman about town . Wo have for one reason or another has made a 'Life Choice' to end it!

 

She had a point. I had become someone I didn't want to be. I would have broken up with me as well

I wrote elsewhere that love is not a meritocracy. And, it's not. But neither is it simply a numbers game. Brad Pitt and George Clooney have, I'm sure, had a lot more women interested in them than I have had in me. And I'm probably going to be more successful attracting women than the babbling homeless guy who sleeps under the pier. (Probably....) Anyway, Helen's face launched a thousand ships, supposedly. And even if that isn't true, a great deal of human civilization owes its existence to people trying to impress each other into having sex. There may be more noble motivations for positive change, but none are more common.

My point is that if you want somebody great then you better start working on being great yourself.

 

No greater motivation in my book

[jeepman41]

I think it's more about the connection between two people --- and sometimes that cannot be denied. Years can pass, you can date others, possibly marry, and yet that indescribable element of the connection exists --- some how outside the normal reality of life.

 

A relationship can end due to lack of effort, due to outside influences, due to lack of growth. Whatever the reason, when one persons stops participating, by no choice, so must the other. I'm not saying you hang around, put your life on hold --- you shouldn't.

 

Sometimes you just can't explain it away.

 

 

 

It's something ethereal and cosmic that's hard to put into words but I know the feeling you speak of. It's called love and it can withstand hurt, anger, bitterness and separation. Sometimes you find that one person and you just seem to click.

[rapunzel]

I know of a couple who have been together for 25 years. They are now married, I think for about 18 years. During that 25 year period, they were broken up for about 2-3 years and dated other people. In fact, I was one of the people. We are all now still great friends and they are still (mostly) happily married.

[Mellie]

Of the, what, 5 people I've spoken to by PM here, 2 of them had reconcilliations. I didn't, this time around. So statistically, everyone here has a 1 in 3 chance of achieving reconcilliation, if you're that way inclined.

 

Kidding. Ish. As for representative statistics, taken from thousands of couples, I don't have the first clue, but married couples who've split at some point then reconcilled are ten a penny, from what I've seen. You just don't know whether that's going to be you. That's the rub. But is it though, really? When you've just broken up, sure, reconcilliation is the holy grail, but if you were presented with a road map of your entire life at 18, how boring would living it be? Isn't it kind of exciting not to know where life's going to take you? Sure, that person seemed like your whole world at the time, but that was all you'd known up to that point. Maybe you're going to go out and experience something much better?

 

It all depends on personal circumstances. I had an ex who drove me crazy in the end with his lack of self esteem "Do you love me? I love you" every five minutes stuff. He wasn't like that in the beginning, far from it. It was the "Please don't leave me" following me every place I went kind of business that became suffocating and made me want to get out, not him per se not "making the grade". If he hadn't started up with all that, who knows. Maybe I'd still be with him. There is a lot to be said for positive mental attitude. I'm not talking about delusional, just don't go looking for trouble where there isn't any - you can be sure trouble will be quick enough to come and find you when it's due.

 

If it's just a lick of paint your doing after a breakup, you're not doing it right. It's the perfect opportunity for a bit of introspection, learning and growing, and that's what makes it ultimately for our betterment. That's more than a lick of paint.

[aulelia]

I see the point of the OP's post but it is forgetting one key factor: relationships are not all made from the same clay! Each one is unique and different, so this one size fits all approach of get over it, he or she is not coming back is trying to minimise the intricate delicacies of everyone's relationships.

[Destiny2112]

I can see where the OP comes from and I do agree to a certain degree.

But like others said, I don't think it's all that black and white. Sure, our ex's had their reasons for breaking up with us and when they told us, it's over they had already outweighed the positives and the negatives and came to the conclusion, leaving the relationship would be the best for them at that time. But I don't think this always has to mean, there is absolutely no chance for a relationship in the future ever again. Sure, sometimes people are truly incompatible and whatever changes are made from one or both sides, they still won't be able fix those incompabilities. And the break up was for the best.

 

But sometimes, a break up happens due to outside factors, like distance, death in the family etc., stress in work, university or school, etc. and I don't see why in those cases, when the problems are temporary and can be fixed, a relationship can't get another shot. Whether that happens is a different story, depending on the individuals and circumstances involved, I know.

 

Sure, people might say, if the love had been strong enough, our ex's would have sticked with us through thick and thin and would have tried to fix things instead of leaving. But I think, no matter how strong the love is, sometimes it's just not enough... sometimes a break up is what is necessary, at that moment in time.

 

I think most of us initially try to improve in order to attract our ex's back. But I also think, most of us change their ways of thinking after a while and start improving and changing for themselves, since they realize, they truly feel better.

Does it actually matter why you improve? Isn't the result, the fact that you are growing, becoming a better, stronger, wiser person, what matters in the end?

 

I think mostly a crisis is the motivation for change, may it be a break up, an accident, an illness, a death in the family, etc...it's like a wake up call.

I don't really know many people who improved when everything in there lives went well and was fine. But it was when they were down, that they finally found the strength to get their act together and achieve high goals in life.

Sure, we are who we are and partners should accept us the way we are, but I think since none of us is perfect, we all could us a little improvement in certain areas of our characters, attitudes and lives...not for anyone else, but for ourselves....

 

Just my 2 cents....

[dabbledave]

^ Well said

[lazyboyy]

OP is a bit pessimistic.

 

All things being equal MOST relationships end because of 1 of only 2 reasons.

 

EITHER.

 

The guy showed too much attention.

 

OR

 

The guy did not show enough attention.

 

Sometimes it is just simple as that...but obviously you can delve deeper into it eg...too much attention coz he's insecure, needy ect. or too little attention he's stressed, looking for other girls ect.

[jeepman41]

People break up for all kinds or reasons. Maybe they met at the wrong time. But to generalize it to say it could never happen again is just one side of the coin. People do break up and get back together. Some make it and some don't. It's just life and one thing that's always a constant is change.

[Eocsor]

OP is a bit pessimistic.

 

All things being equal MOST relationships end because of 1 of only 2 reasons.

 

EITHER.

 

The guy showed too much attention.

 

OR

 

The guy did not show enough attention.

 

Sometimes it is just simple as that...but obviously you can delve deeper into it eg...too much attention coz he's insecure, needy ect. or too little attention he's stressed, looking for other girls ect.

 

 

Really We're breaking down the complexities of human emotion and interaction into this??? As you say I'm a pessimist and I'm definitely pessimistic about the value of what you are postulating.

[Tomuch2hope]

But sometimes, a break up happens due to outside factors, like distance, death in the family etc., stress in work, university or school,

 

I think mostly a crisis is the motivation for change, may it be a break up, an accident, an illness, a death in the family, etc...it's like a wake up call.

 

It was the biggest wake up call I've ever got. I suddenly seen the person I had become, which wasn't the person she met and definalty wasn't the person I wanted to be.

[lazyboyy]

Really We're breaking down the complexities of human emotion and interaction into this??? As you say I'm a pessimist and I'm definitely pessimistic about the value of what you are postulating.

 

Complexities of human emotion is oxymoronic. Humans are very simple. That's why psychology exists. Humans' emotions haven't evolved since caveman days.

Women must be constantly attracted to feel "love". Too much attention they think they can do better, not enough attention they have to justify it in a way that leads them to feel attracted. Like I said, there are other factors obviously, but the majority of cases can be rationalized in this way. Try this theory on any breakup story you hear.

[utopie]

Well I certainly don't fit your "woman" description. My ex was giving lots of attention, was a truly nice guy. I was not attracted to him at first and he pursued me for months. I finally agreed to a date and fell in love with him but he broke up with me after 3 years. I did not need to be "constantly attracted to feel the love"

[lazyboyy]

Well I certainly don't fit your "woman" description. My ex was giving lots of attention, was a truly nice guy. I was not attracted to him at first and he pursued me for months. I finally agreed to a date and fell in love with him but he broke up with me after 3 years. I did not need to be "constantly attracted to feel the love"

 

You exactly fit the description. Though he broke up with you so it's irrelevant in your case.

[winniethepooh]

I was not attracted to him at first and he pursued me for months. I finally agreed to a date and fell in love with him

 

I did not need to be "constantly attracted to feel the love"

 

I don't really get this. Sounds like the constant attraction/pursuit from him is what resulted in you feeling love in the first place

[Thorshammer]

Well I certainly don't fit your "woman" description. My ex was giving lots of attention, was a truly nice guy. I was not attracted to him at first and he pursued me for months. I finally agreed to a date and fell in love with him but he broke up with me after 3 years. I did not need to be "constantly attracted to feel the love"

 

This is normal, its actually quite common and fits the description well. Men can be attracted to physical more, and might not give a less physically appealing woman a chance (not saying all), where as a woman, she can be attracted to someone showing certain behavioral and social qualities. Its all about how you act for men.

 

And you were attracted, attraction is an attachment to someone. Its not so much, "ohh, hes sexy, gimmie, gimmie."

[utopie]

How so? Can you explain?

 

Just read the rest of the answers. I agree was not physical attraction, but more of an emotional/intellectual one

[lazyboyy]

Women feel attraction to a man that can demonstrate confidence, challenge and control. The more insecure the women is, the less of these qualities the man needs to attract her.

[lazyboyy]

If a women sees a physically attractive guy she may automatically assume that he is a Challenge (since she will think there are other women in his life), and she may assume that he is Confident as well. That's the extent to which physical attractiveness can help...it can get guys 2/3rds of the way there. 100% of the way if the women is insecure, immature ect. coz she may not even care about Control initially.

 

But a physically "unattractive" guy can still elicit the same emotions, just he needs to communicate with her to portray Confidence and Challenge. Then once the women is attracted, the challenge is to keep the attraction up through humour, romance, affection and respect. Again this all assumes that the woman is a high quality individual. If she isn't you probably don't need to "work" as hard at times.